lost

I feel so alone right now. I wish I had someone here to hold my hand but then at the same time I just want to be alone.

Actually, what I want is to feel like someone cares. I suppose on some level I know people do. I just feel miserable right now and I want it to all go away.

I hate the holidays. I hate my life. I hate feeling this way.

I feel so lost.

Resilience

"Resilience is accepting your new reality, even if it's less good than the one you had before. You can fight it, you can do nothing but scream about what you've lost, or you can accept that and try to put together something that's good."

- Elizabeth Edwards

She passed away today and a friend posted this quote as their FB status. I thought it was pretty poignant considering my current state of mind.

I'm so tired of accepting this reality. Actually I don't think I can even say that I've accepted it. Maybe that's why I'm so tired. I've been fighting it this whole time and it's been winning. I'm truly beaten down.

I'm no good to anyone like this.

I feel like I just got kicked in the gut.

It's the Not Knowing

No new info from the hysteroscopy. No big surprise. I feel like an idiot to have even bothered.

Back in February/March when I was pregnant with Samantha I became friends with another woman in my microbiology class. We got to talking and kids came up so I told her about my troubles and how I was currently pregnant. She told me she was also pregnant and had had a couple miscarriages herself. She is now 41 weeks pregnant and will be induced on Thursday if she doesn't go into labor on her own. I'm happy for her but it makes me feel sick inside that it works out for everyone else. Am I fooling myself into thinking it will one day work out for me? I must be or I would stop trying.

My doctor basically said to me that I just need to get past the 8-9 week mark and I will probably be ok. That seems to be my stumbling block. I'm feeling so overwhelmed right now with so many things I don't even know where to start.

I wish I could see the future. Even if I could know I would have a few more miscarriages before having a healthy pregnancy and live baby I would keep marching. It's the not knowing that is killing me.

Getting Poked and Prodded

So it did end up being full fledged and I scheduled the next step in this ongoing battle. I'm having a hysteroscopy performed tomorrow. I'm sure it won't be much worse than the HSG I had done last year. I'm a little nervous about it, but I think mostly because I'll be the one with my legs in the air. I never actually got to see one performed while I worked in the office although I saw a lot of other crazy stuff. I think this really is the last thing we can do so find out what is going on inside my utesaurus (as wifey calls it).

And I do think I was pregnant again. I've done it so many times I don't need a test to tell me anymore.

If a Tree Falls in the Woods...

Hmm... so my period is late. I refuse to test. But now I have a little spotting. I don't know if it will turn full fledged but I am usually pretty regular so a 35 day cycle is suspicious. So if you don't test are you really pregnant? If you don't know you were pregnant, are you really having a miscarriage? I feel like I don't even want to know anymore. I don't want to chance getting my hopes up and it seems the only way to ensure I won't is to not find out for sure.

But does that really mean anything at all?

A Place for Us

I had my support group meeting last night and one of the people there mentioned about a place for grieving parents to go that they read about in a Share Newsletter. I had posted the link to back issues on our FB page and he had spent some time reading through them.

The Share Newsletter, on page 9.

Faith's Lodge

I'm now a certified EMT-B. :D

Something to Read

This article gives me a little hope.

Send it to Pathology

Last night when I posted that I also emailed my doctor. Since he was in the process of writing back to my previous email he responded to both. He told me if I wanted I could bring the tissue into the office to be sent to pathology. I did that this morning. I'm also looking into possibly having a hysteroscopy.

He also told me he was sorry for what the other doctor told me back in August regarding sending stuff to pathology. She said "meat doesn't keep well at 98.6°" and that he said that he wished he "could be available all the time to handle things as they come in to the office to avoid problems like this". I'm glad I have him for my doctor. So the nurse said I should have results in 3 to 5 days, but I think she's being overly optimistic. I'll keep you posted when I hear anything.

I just think it's so weird that it's been over 2 months since the miscarriage and I'm still physically dealing with it. Maybe I should have done the D&C and just been done with it. Then I wouldn't have had to hear crappy comments from the on call doctor about meat.

When I stopped in to say thank you to the office and bring the cookies last week I got to talk to my doctor for a few minutes and he mentioned an article in the New England Journal of Medicine about recurrent miscarriage. It didn't really tell me anything new but it was interesting. Hmmm, I think I added it as a google doc so you should be able to access it with this link.

Miscarriage - The Gift that Keeps on Giving

My period started last Monday, but today I had some pretty severe cramps and then just now I wiped and found a large chunk of tissue, approx 1" by 1/2". It was pretty solid and had some texture to it. I don't know if it's byproduct of my last miscarriage, but I would guess so. Awesome.

I think it was placenta.

Eat, Drink and Be Merry

Yet another whirlwind month has pasted. It's good and bad. Here are the updates:

School:

I'm only taking two classes this semester so it's pretty easy after a summer of organic chemistry - pure misery. I'm taking biochemistry at a nearby 4 year college and anatomy & physiology 2 at the community college in my town where I've taken most of my other classes. I've had two tests so far in A&P2 and I've gotten a 96 and a 98, so I'd say I'm doing pretty well. It's harder to say about biochemistry since we only had our first test this past week and I haven't gotten my grade yet. I've found with taking classes at multiple college settings that it varies greatly in how they test or prepare you for those tests. I studied my butt off on the amino acid structures and abbreviations but not as much on other things so there were a few questions that I had absolutely no clue on. Bummer. We'll find out on Tuesday how I did.

Patient Contact Hours:

I have been working at my local OBGYN office because my own doctor got me in after suggesting I go back to school to be a doctor. I decided on taking the PA route and he helped get me in at his office to rack up some hours required for PA programs. I went in yesterday to hand out some thank-you notes and a couple dozen fresh baked cookies to thank them for their time and allowing me to work there. I got to chat with my doctor a bit as well. It's been a while since I've been in the office. I haven't worked since the beginning of September. Right after Labor day I came down with a bit of a cold and school had started and then the following week the NP I worked with went on vacation for 3 weeks. So I didn't go in so I could focus on school and have some time for myself to decompress after ochem. Then the week she was back my hubby and I went on vacation. While she was away I decided that I've learned all I can from the office and should find a new situation since OBGYN is such a narrow part of the medical field. So....

EMT status:

I passed my practical exam in August but only found out a month later. I've heard that other people in my class have already passed the written exam, the final step between me and an EMT certification. Yet again I dragged my feet a bit and then with our vacation I put it off some more. I have scheduled my exam for November 6th. Wish me luck.

Vacation:

My hubby and I went to Martha's Vineyard for an amazing vacation 2 years ago and met a wonderful mother and daughter traveling together. We've kept in touch with Christmas cards and Facebook and we were invited to the daughter's wedding on October 16th in Santa Barbara, CA. We waffled on whether or not to go for a while but decided it was the best excuse to go to California and when else might we see these wonderful people we spent so much time with on a long weekend 2 years ago. It was amazing. We decided to fly out a week early to have our own vacation, then hit the wedding and fly home the next day. We drove from LAX up the coast over 2 days then spent 4 nights in Napa. Ahhh.... it was heaven. Every day we tasted wine, every day we had beautiful weather, every day was amazing. Then on Thursday we drove to Yosemite, it was crazy beautiful! We only spent the day so we could get up early on Friday and drive to Santa Barbara. I assume since we were coming from such a distance that was the reason why we were invited to the rehearsal dinner on Friday. It was so great to see our old friends and since the daughter getting married is of the personality that just draws you in, all her friends and family were equally welcoming and friendly. After that night it was like we were all friends for years. The wedding was so elegant to the point of being extravagant. Absolutely beautiful. We couldn't have wished for a better vacation. It was almost sad to head home.

At a vineyard in Sonoma

At Yosemite

Catching up with old friends at the rehearsal dinner:

And now back to reality, Reproductive status:

Back on August 13th I took misoprostol to induce miscarriage. Everything passed by the next morning, I had a day or two of bleeding and then nothing for a couple days and then it started up again for about 2 weeks. A week or so went by and I started bleeding again - for 3 weeks. I was glad it at least stopped for our vacation. The week before last I was feeling crampy again and finally this past Monday I started bleeding again, but unlike the light bleeding I had before this was a torrent. It seemed almost more than a regular period, but better than the trickle I had before. I can't imagine this could keep up for 3 weeks. I briefly spoke to my doctor about next steps. He mentioned an article in this week's New England Journal of Medicine about recurrent miscarriage and how he thought about me while reading it. He mentioned an hysteroscopy. I asked about the hot flashes I've had all week. I didn't get to talk to him for long so I later sent him an email asking about my next steps. My buddy Margaret suggested that I do everything at once. Clomid, progesterone, lovenox, baby aspirin. Even though I've tested negative twice this year for antiphospholipid antibody syndrome, it's possible that my levels went up after they tested me at the end of July when I first found out the last time I was pregnant. I asked my doctor about all this and mentioned how my last RE seems to have exhausted all his options with me. I've mentioned before - my local OBGYN is notoriously slow responding to email. I'd rather that medium over a voicemail and phone call back any day though. Regardless, I don't want to actively try this month. My hubby and I have decided to go to his family's for Thanksgiving this year and after two losses this year I feel especially negative toward them even though they have no clue I was even pregnant. It's completely irrational but with every loss it just brings back the hurt they inflicted after I lost Isabella, even though they apologized and haven't said anything hurtful since it lingers. I can't forget. I don't think I can forgive. So in my short conversation with my OBGYN I mentioned that I will be drinking heavily over Thanksgiving just to get through being around his family. :P So I'm waiting to hear what he has to say. Maybe we'll try next month. I don't know. The odds look worse and worse for me. And this article about recurrent miscarriage doesn't instill me with any hope. From the little I could read online without subscribing, the woman in the study had had a live birth before she had multiple miscarriages. That's not my case at all. I want to hear about someone who had 15 miscarriages at varying gestations and then went on to have a live birth. That would give me some hope. Does anyone have a story like that? Please let me know. I don't want to be the woman who never was able. Who kept futilely trying. I want to know when will it be my turn, not if.

Until then I will eat and drink and try to be merry. At least my hubby cooks me good food.

Hello...

It's been a while. I'm due for an update but I'll have to get back to you. It's time for bed.

Tears fall like rain
Dampening my pillowcase
A deep ocean of pain
Swallows me whole

Nothing

No matter what I do, no matter how much I accomplish, I will always know I failed. Nothing will ever replace them. Nothing will ever bring them back. 

One Month Later

This past month has gone by sort of fast. I guess that's not really a bad thing. When time drags it really sucks. It's a month today since I heard the news. My baby is dead.

I spent the following week crying and feeling sorry for myself. Then tried to pull it all together for my EMT practical exam the following Saturday. We left the next day for Maine to visit my mom and spend a few days there. Not completely unexpected, my mom didn't talk to me about my latest loss and I didn't bother to bring it up. We got home in time for the last weekend in August and my husband to spend the weekend with friends playing craps at a casino. I got together with a friend and did fun things like sailing, drinking beer, eating wings, another day we went to a river to go biking and swim and another day after that we went kayaking and swimming at a nearby lake. I had fun in spite of the miserableness.

Labor Day weekend was low key. Hubby was sick so we didn't get together with anyone but we did have some yummy food. I went running twice (then promptly caught a cold). Then the Tuesday after Labor Day school started. I'm taking biochemistry and anatomy & physiology 2. I'm glad to have a light load this semester after a summer of organic chemistry (BTW, I got a B in ochem 2 same as ochem 1) and after taking 4 classes in the spring with EMT class on top of it.

I still feel adrift about what to do next. If there is a next to this journey. I know that we can't afford to adopt and I think the next person to suggest it to me should have to pony up the dough. I wonder if we just need a long break from it. I wonder if there's any merit to letting my body not deal with weird hormones for a while. I wish there was some explanation for why this keeps happening and if there's "nothing wrong with me" then what happened with Isabella that started this whole thing off in the first place?

I don't normally talk about this but since it's all wrapped together I might as well. I have no sex life. I'm sure as with others who are baby-lost and trying again and grieving a loss that sex has taken on a completely different meaning. I had my cold and before that my hubby was sick (Labor Day weekend) so what little physical contact we had, an occasional smooch or hug, has dwindled to nothing at all. It's sort of weird how little physical contact I've had recently since I don't get many hugs elsewhere. Good thing the cats don't care if I have a cold. They still snuggle me. So as far as the sex thing, it's become non-existent. We all know what happens when I have sex. I get pregnant and then I have a miscarriage. So sex is no longer the fun thing it use to be. It's tainted by what it brings about. My husband is weird about religion and crap so I'm not sure he would go for the condom route but at this point I don't want to really deal with them either. Maybe I need some other form of birth control that isn't hormonal but isn't used on one-night stands either. Suggestions welcome. I think baby-making needs to hit the back burner or be taken off the stove completely.

Speaking of religion... I don't think I've talked about it much on here but that has changed a lot for me recently. I grew up pretty non-religious. My mom took us to Congregational churches when we went which wasn't a lot. Later when I met my husband, a lifelong Catholic, I converted. I did the whole RCIA thing, I bought into it all and was a "good Catholic" for several years even though my liberal upbringing liked to jump out occasionally but for the most part there wasn't too much conflict. Then there was Samantha and I think she was the straw that broke the camel's back. We had just visited my husband's family for Easter and returned home to an ultrasound with no heartbeat. I didn't go to Mass that weekend because needless to say I was upset. I called the priest at our church to talk about what had happened and get his take on it. Of course he didn't have any answers for why God kept doing this to me. I haven't been to Mass since. I'm actually a little surprised/disappointed that he hasn't called in these 5 months to find out why we haven't been coming to Mass. I just can't get on board with it anymore. I know for a lot of people when your baby dies it's like a test of your faith and you become stronger in your faith or something which I obviously don't understand because it hasn't happened to me or like in my case, you turn away from it all. Ironically a lot of my turning away has to do with my husband's mother who is a total nutcase for the Catholic church so much so that she only goes to Mass at a traditional Latin Mass church and has basically said all other Catholic Masses aren't the true Mass, blah blah blah. I think she's crazy. Plus she's better than everyone else because she goes to the fancy Mass you can't understand. I know this because she has told my husband's friend who he's known since middle school that she can't attend his wedding because he and his fiancee have been living together and she can't support that. So much for the friendship your son has had with this guy for nearly 20 years. Just flush it down the toilet. So the whole Catholic thing isn't too appealing to me if that's the way it goes it the "true church". My husband went to visit his family alone this weekend (because I was too sick to go, bummer, I know!) and he went to Mass alone at the local non-crazy parish because, and I quote: "I didn't want my mom to ask questions." Whatever. I don't care if he goes or doesn't. I'm just not going to go anymore. I wonder what kind of craziness would have ensued if I had been with him and outright refused to go to Mass with him. Ha! The shit would have hit the fan, I'm sure. But as "we're a team" he hasn't been going to Mass since Easter, minus this past weekend's exception, so he thinks that "we should start going again". Umm, no.

I didn't intend on offending anyone and if I have, well, those are the blogging-breaks. But please don't post comments about what a horrible person I am for turning away from God/Jesus. I still have the comment moderation in effect so I just won't approve them. I probably won't even read the whole thing before I delete them so don't waste your time. This is probably why I don't post about religion on here often. I don't feel the need to defend my beliefs or lack there of to other people.

So that's it. I think that's enough for now.

Not One

Not one single card.

I mean, what should I have expected?

Out of all the people who knew I was pregnant (IRL) I didn't get one single condolence or sympathy card.

I guess after 10 people get bored trying to console anyone.

Pain

When I passed everything on Saturday morning I thought that was it but Monday night into Tuesday I started bleeding again. It's been nonstop and very painful. I took some vicodin yesterday and I guess that helped with the cramps but it made me so loopy all I could do was lay in bed all day.

I wish I could just be sad and miserable but I'm also in severe pain.

I just want this all to end.

My soul is in tatters
My heart broken into infinite pieces
I'm an empty shell
A walking corpse
Unrecognizable

Baby #10

I've cried so many tears

I've wasted all these years
I never thought my life would be like this

I Don't Think I Will

We didn't do much this weekend except eat. I think my husband thinks eating yummy food will cheer me up. I just feel bloated now.

I was friends with someone on FB and now I'm not, they "unfriended" me. They started going on about how I should just adopt like it's so easy and money grows on trees and it will solve all my problems.

I thought it was rude of them to tell me what I should do next like I shouldn't bother to grieve this loss first. I don't want to think about adoption now. My husband and I discussed it briefly and it's not likely to happen while I'm not working since we don't have the money for it. So that's about 4 years away. I'll be 36. I might as well forget about having kids.

If we tried again I'm sure we'd have the same outcome. At some point enough is enough. Is 10 enough?

I haven't gotten out of bed yet. I don't think I will.

The Little One We Lost

My husband dragged me out to the farmers' market and store to get food today. When we got home I collapsed and took a nap but I'm feeling a lot better now. I haven't had much bleeding at all since this morning.

We're going to open a bottle of red and toast to the little one we lost.

The Worst is Over

I woke up a bit ago and went to the bathroom. A huge clot came out. It was about 2.5" in diameter. I nearly passed out on the toilet but I managed to get back to bed to lie down. I feel miserable. My husband is making me some toast.

I think the worst is over. I can't imagine there's much left to come out.

No Heartbeat

So that's it. Ultrasound sucked. Went to OBGYN's office, got Rx for misoprostol. I don't want to do another D&C.

I think 10 is enough. Maybe I should have a hysterectomy.

Another Week Down

More blood work this morning, level is now 17,979. While that's not as high as I calculated it should be (23,456) I'm guessing that when the numbers are that high a few thousand off shouldn't be a big deal. I was stressing about it most of the day and had the unfortunate experience of getting the lame phlebotomist who likes to blame people for his own incompetencies. No I am not dehydrated. You suck.

The RE's office called with the results and told me to call my local OBGYN to schedule the U/S and get an office appointment. I don't know what I need an appointment for but I called the nurse at the office and let her know what the RE wanted me to do. I'm in the office tomorrow for work so I'll just talk to her about it then. Seriously, I could just chat with my doctor in between patients but then he probably couldn't charge me a copay.

So keep the fingers crossed. I don't plan on having the U/S until at least next Friday because I don't want to deal with bad news and an ochem final. Ochem will be just a bad memory this time next week!

Still Good

I went for the blood work on Thursday, 2930, so still on the rise. I've been busy with school so I was lazy and didn't post. Sorry to keep anyone in suspense.

MORE blood work on Thursday again and then maybe scheduling an ultrasound. :)

Good News

I had another blood test this morning. I seriously have track marks worse than a junkie! Level went up as it should, 810, so it's good news. All I can think is at least this isn't another chemical pregnancy. I hope I make it past the dreaded 9 week mark though.

More blood work on Thursday. When will my veins close up?

Keep Those Fingers Crossed!

Second blood draw today, only one vial and no passing out! I really love my RE. Not even 2 hours later they called me with the results. THEY CALLED ME! Whoo hoo! It was 235 up from 56 so that is really great. Another blood draw on Monday.

Keep those fingers crossed!

One Day at a Time

A lot has happened this week.

I haven't mentioned yet on my blog, but I've managed to finally pull together something resembling a support group in my area. We've had 2 meetings and I'm feeling pretty excited about it after trying for so long to get it going. I really hope that it keeps going. I had a long conversation with my buddy Carol about how to facilitate a group because she's so awesome at it. If I can do half as well as her then I'll be on my way.

I found out yesterday about my blood work that was sent to California. All the results were negative, so I won't need to take intralipid. That is sort of disconcerting because it means that the only treatment planned during pregnancy would be progesterone and tons of folic acid. I don't see how that will miraculously make anything come out differently than it has in the past.

The interesting part is that I'll find out sooner than later. I did a test on Tuesday morning and got a faint line. I went for more blood work yesterday (which was a story in itself) and had a 56 for the hCG. I'm due to repeat the test again tomorrow to see which way the number is going. So all in all, I'm currently pregnant. I'll know tomorrow if I can dare to hope a little bit and hopefully when I call the office about my results I'll find out more about the lack of intralipid treatment and what that might mean for this pregnancy. I feel like I need to be doing something. Maybe stand on my head?

I think I've said this before, but please please don't congratulate me for getting pregnant. I know that it's a difficulty for a lot of us in this boat and I don't want to diminish that, and I definitely don't think it's easy getting pregnant, but this is my 10th time. TENTH. There is nothing left to congratulate about any of this until someone hands me a screaming baby.

For all I know the hCG level could be down tomorrow and I'll be back at square one. Even if it has gone up there's making it past the 9 week mark and then past the 19th week mark which seems like such a long time. But I can't get ahead of myself. I have to just think about the here and now.

Some good news is that I've been working with the RE out by Boston for all of the lab work and getting me on progesterone treatment and they are so on top of things unlike my local OBGYN's office. I emailed both doctors Tuesday morning and immediately heard back from the RE. I only just heard back from my OBGYN last night. He said he saw my labs and then later checked his email. I mean seriously? He hasn't checked his email from 9am Tuesday to 11pm Wednesday? He also asked if I was going to call the RE to let him know. Did he think I snuck into the office and forged a lab slip to get the blood work done? I emailed him back that the RE was the one who ordered the labs and is sending one for a repeat on Friday. Umm, duh. Dr. OBGYN isn't instilling me with much confidence.... I'm not sure what the next steps will be as far as who manages my care, but like I said a bit ago: one day at a time.

As for the blood work story, I let a student attempt to draw my blood which consisted of about 7 vials because I was also getting the recheck my hematologist wanted done for the APS. He managed to get the first vial fine, but the second snapped in and nothing happened. So the trainer tried to help by fishing around. Then it all went down hill. I passed out. Get out the ice packs and the smelling salts. I finally woke up to them calling my name and I was all sweaty but at least I didn't wet myself! Something to be proud of. They hadn't finished drawing my blood so after I was ok to walk they moved me to a side room with a recliner chair and she finished me up. They made me sit around for a bit and drink water then finally let me get on my way. What a mess! I guess I won't be having students learn to draw blood on me again.

One last thing. For general blog maintenance I've been moderating comments because I've been getting a lot of comments in Chinese. I don't know Chinese and while I can put it in a translator and get something back 99% of the time the comments make no sense or are completely unrelated to my post. I'm not sure who these people are who are leaving comments in Chinese or if it's some weird automated thing but please stop. If you want to leave a comment, please do it in English and have it relate to my post. I'm going to call that blog etiquette.

Just in Time

Busy busy again. What's new? I've been going back and forth a lot with doctors about my latest blood work results and what they mean for a future pregnancy. The RE I saw out by Boston wants me to do intralipid if I get pregnant again and after some prodding from me to find out more about it he decided to actually test me for NK cells. So after a lot of hoopla with the lab they use I finally got them to just email me the lab slip to take with me to the local lab and the shipping label to send the blood where it needs to go. You'd think that would be easy, right?

Here's the super ironic part. I came across a place out in California that does reproductive immunology stuff. They send you a kit, you get all kinds of blood drawn and they test it and let you know what's wrong with you and why you're having miscarriage after miscarriage. Well, they are "out of network" so rather than spent thousands of dollars to get blood work done I called my insurance company and asked who was in-network so I could go there and possibly find out what my problem is. So I go to the place out by Boston, in-network, and didn't really get any new information but was told to go on intralipid. Then the blood work from my hematologist came back and I don't even have antiphospholipid antibody syndrome. But still do the intralipid. So let's actually test to see if I need it before paying an arm and a leg for that treatment because I'm pretty sure insurance won't cover that. Soooo, where do they want to send the blood to have it tested? The place in California! Not only that but they said they will bill my insurance and whatever the insurance doesn't pay is covered because the lab who's ordering the blood work has an agreement with the RE's office by Boston. So who cares that the place in California is out of network, I might actually get of scot free for this blood work. That would be nice.

So hopefully all will go smoothly tomorrow at the local lab, they'll draw the blood, send the stuff FedEx and in 6 calendar days after they receive it, I'll know something worth knowing.

It might be just in time for me to find out if I'm pregnant or not. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

A Fresher Look

So, after getting over myself I've realized that I really shouldn't have expected to get into a PA program at this point. I'm not done with my prerequisites and I don't have enough patient contact hours whereas I'm sure the other applicants have all completed theirs. Hopefully my GPA from long ago isn't much of a factor but I will have to retake the GRE and actually study for it. I'll work on that this fall. This summer is making me crazy with organic chemistry. Ochem1 is almost over. Last test and then a final this week. Next week, right into ochem2. Buh.

In other news, I'm taking clomid this month. I'm starting to think my OBGYN is pretty useless because he is either too busy with normal patients or doesn't want to exert the brain power to comprehend what is going on with me. So currently I'm off the aspirin, no plans for lovenox and wondering what this intralipid stuff is all about and if that will help at all if I get pregnant. I suggested the clomid for myself and he just goes with it. I wonder what else I could suggest and get a prescription for. :/

Enough of this, time to study all day for ochem.

I applied to two PA programs.

I didn't get accepted at either.

My life sucks.

I feel like it's all been a waste.

I'm a waste.

What To Do

Back from the hematologist again. Results say I don't have APS. What the hell?

Negative for lupus anticoagulant.
Negative for anti nuclear antibody.
Negative for factor 5 leiden.
Negative for anticardiolipin antibody.

But I am positive for one copy of the C677T mutation and one copy of the A1298C mutation for MTHFR.

He said, based on these results, I don't need to take low dose aspirin, and I don't need lovenox. But that I do need 4-5 mg of folic acid because of the MTHFR (I think, sometimes it's hard to keep it all straight and my hubby didn't come with me to help me listen and remember everything).

I sent an email to my OBGYN to let him know and see what he thought of the whole thing.

Regarding the fertility clinic, the only interesting and slightly new information I got was about "intralipid". I haven't found out much about it online so I asked my OBGYN about that too. My hematologist thought that might be a good idea. He thought I should check with my OBGYN before changing anything I'm doing as well. Hopefully he'll email me back soon, or maybe I'll see him in the office on Friday.

This is all so weird. Why does pregnancy have to be so mysterious? Why was Isabella so small for 19 weeks if not for APS? Obviously the aspirin and lovenox hasn't helped any and Sean and Samantha as well as Isabella all had normal chromosomes so what went wrong?

I don't understand.

I don't know what to do.

Stressed Out

I just got back from seeing my hematologist. He had me get blood work done: 15 vials! He wants to "make sure" I have APS so we can go from there. Basically he wanted to start over again and get all new tests done. That's fine with me. (He's actually a different doctor than I saw 2 years ago when I was pregnant with Sean. My very cool teacher at my local community college recommended him to me.)

I have an appointment with a fertility group next Friday. Even though they have IVF in their name they supposedly deal with recurrent miscarriage as well. The hematologist basically said if my problem really is my blood stuff then there's no reason for me to see an RE or anyone else. I guess we'll see what the results are but it won't be in time to cancel my appointment with the fertility folks so I'll just go, even though it's 2.5 hours away and a pain in the ass because who wants to be anywhere near Boston on a Friday afternoon.

Needless to say I cried a bunch in the doctor's office. It's not like I can't talk with a straight face about all this shit, I'm in rare form lately. I'm so stressed out right now. Damn you, o-chem! I feel like I'm perpetually in a state of anxiety. The tears are always right at the surface. Amazingly my blood pressure was 106/54. Pretty low considering how jacked up I feel.

I don't think we're going to "try" this month. My husband is leaving again for business a couple nights this week and then made plans to visit a friend on Friday night. It doesn't matter I guess. I think I actually study more when he's here but it shouldn't matter if he's not. I just miss having him around. He's my part time husband. :(

I feel so sad and lost. I don't think the reason is very clear cut which makes it even harder to deal with. I just wish it would go away.

for IFD & SED & SED

It's been a while. I've been insanely busy. I haven't really posted anything in almost a month. I finished up my last week of classes, then had a couple finals and ended up with a 4.0 for the semester. I barely squeaked my A in chemistry, if we hadn't had that take home test I'm sure I wouldn't have gotten an A.

Immediately the following week, May 25th, my summer class started. It's been non-stop organic chemistry since. I got a 75 on the first test (we have one every week!). On the one hand it's only a 6 week session, but on the other hand IT'S ONLY A 6 WEEK SESSION!! I'm not sure if having all the time a normal semester allows would help. This is hard.

I finally had my period, almost 6 weeks exactly after my D&C. It was pretty normal as periods go but it was coupled with starting my summer class and a 95° day. I felt like crap all day (partially from driving an hour to a different school and nervousness of finding my class and partially from the crazy heat and lack of AC at the school and especially in the lab) and also felt like I might pass out or throw up. I wondered if I was pregnant again and having another chemical pregnancy/miscarriage. There's no way to tell at this point but I was also an emotional wreck most of that week which I'm not normally during my period. But there were other contributing factors. I'm freaking out about this summer class! I feel like I'm in a constant state of anxiety attack. I'm really disappointed in the 75 but I went to a study session this morning and the prof who runs it said that I'm doing great with a 75 and as long as I stay around or above 50 I'll be fine. WHAT?!?! That is just ridiculous to me! But I'll take it, I guess. I don't want to not get an A and if a 75 translates to an A in o-chem then sign me up!

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In other news, 2 years ago I had a ring made. (I got the idea from Carol.) Originally it was going to have 2 stones, one for Isabella and one for Sean. Emerald and diamond for May and April. Some of the different designs I saw didn't look that great so I went with a three stone ring, emerald in the center and 2 diamonds - one on each side. I had "for IFD & SED" engraved inside the band. And now here I am with another April baby, Samantha. Her diamond already set in the ring. It's an unhappy coincident that my ring had a place waiting just for her. I got my ring back from the jeweler today, it now says "for IFD & SED & SED". The three babies I barely got to know before they were taken away from me.


I hope that since all the stones are spoken for I will have no more need for any extra memorials.

This is what I feel like posting on Facebook right now, but it's so in-your-face that I just shouldn't.

"Shannon wishes people would get married before getting knocked up and rubbing it in my face."

In This Boat

Wednesday was a rough day. I was very stressed out for my chemistry test on Thursday. At lunch time I stopped in to see one of my instructors from last semester. I cried in her office and told her about my latest loss. She is such a sweet and kind spoken person I actually laughed through my tears when she exclaimed, "Shit!" Twice as a matter of fact. I don't mind swearing per se, I've sworn plenty depending on the situation, but she just doesn't seem like the swearing type at all so it was surprising and actually pretty amusing. We talked a bunch about what I've been through, specialists I've seen and she automatically starting thinking of other avenues, other ways to get the help I need to actually produce a baby. Her husband is an MD and she teaches all types of biology course so she knows a ton. Later that day she emailed me a link to a website for reproductive immunology. Between this place and the one I previously mentioned in NYC there has to be an answer. I'll hope a little for that.

Thankfully when I got to my chemistry lab shortly after talking to her, I found out we would be having our test as a take-home!! What a relief! I probably asked two or three times if he was serious before I really believed him.

The day only got slightly better with that news though (as evidenced by my previous post). I still feel out of sorts.

Yesterday I decided not to go to work in the afternoon. I have so much going on with school I felt like I was drowning in it. I don't want to list off all the assignments that are due, that would just depress me! So I went home and while this wasn't school work, I went through my medical reports to gather the test results to one place. I'm meeting with my sweet instructor this afternoon to talk about my options more and wanted to have things more in order for that.

I had an appointment with a therapist/NP on Tuesday. She gave me a prescription for Ativan to help me sleep. I'm so glad it works. It sucks so much to go to bed at the same time as my husband and then lie there for a hour or more while he's breathing loud and occasionally snoring. He seriously hits the pillow and is completely out within a minute. Sometimes less. I wish I could do that.

My husband and I went for a walk Wednesday after he got home from work and we talked about baby stuff and what to do. He said we can't do anything about the past we can only look forward. Which basically translates to, "stop crying about the past". That's hard to do. I want to grieve for Samantha, for Sean and especially Isabella during these few day. Extrapolating his philosophy it would be like saying, "My grandfather died yesterday. Ok, enough of that, what's for dinner?" I don't understand why he won't let me or doesn't understand me being sad for a time. As if that is going to influence future results.

So today I go to school for one class, then I'll wait around to meet with my instructor friend and see what we can find in my stack of records. After that, who knows.

Tomorrow is the walk in Northampton. It's also Isabella's 3 year anniversary. I'm sure my emotional week is directly correlated to this milestone. Looking back at that awful time I'm sure I never thought that when 3 years goes by I would still be in this boat. "Childless", miserable, adrift.

Where will I be 3 years from now?

Here to Wonder

I have half a ream of paper. My medical records. I sorted through it today and put it in cronological order.

Another miserable day. Lots of crying. Feeling overwhelmed.

Sad.

I wish this week was over.

I wish Mother's Day would never come.

3 years ago my whole life changed.

I died that day.

I don't know who it is who occupies my body now.

I wish I wasn't here to wonder.

Made to Suffer

I've been feeling pretty miserable these past few days. I can't get to sleep at night. I start to cry with little to no warning.

All the memories, all the sadness is swirling around me. I feel crippled by it.

Has it really been almost three years since my life was shattered? Since everything I thought I understood in this world became a mockery?

I've given up asking why.

This is just my lot in life. I am made to suffer.

Video

Updated with Samantha's name.

Samantha

My husband was right. I thought it would have been a boy, but he thought it was a girl. After I showed him the video I made last week he told me his prediction and that he would call her Samantha until further notice. So that's her name.

Samantha.

(Middle name is pending.)

Reflections

There's a woman in my A&P class who sits behind me. We've exchanged greetings on occasion and some small talk but yesterday I had a lengthy conversation with her about school and career goals. I recall back at the beginning of the semester she mentioned something about going to school and juggling her 2 small children and she said to me, "have them when you're young." I'm not completely sure of her age, but I'm guessing she's mid-forties. Class was starting so I smiled and nodded but thought to myself, "that's easier said than done."

But yesterday in our lengthy conversation I made sure to work in my reason for being in school and my multiple losses. I even showed her the pictures I have on my iPod touch of my ultrasounds. She told me about a friend of hers who had also had multiple miscarriages and then saw a doctor in New York City who helped her to carry to term. The woman in my class had her babies by IVF.

I looked him up, checked out his website, read reviews about the book he's written and decided I would call. NYC isn't that far away... no worse than driving to Boston. I have an appointment in July. I could have gotten an appointment in June, but my own scheduling limits me to certain days. They are sending me appointment information and a return envelop so I can send all my medical records for him to review before my appointment. The consultation is a whole hour! Time spent talking to me and my hubby instead of looking over blood work results.

Check it out for yourself!

I know I said I gave up mostly on getting pregnant, but after this last pregnancy I feel like I should either try in a way that is active instead of passive or really give up by means of some form of contraceptive. (I've decided "birth control" is a misnomer. My body does that naturally, I would need something to prevent conception and therefore prevent my hopes from later getting dashed.)

***************************************

I emailed my old therapist yesterday asking if I should make an appointment. I feel sort of ok, but I worry that I might be kidding myself and find myself a few months down the road curled in a ball, quivering and sobbing and wondering where this grief smackdown (as Wifey calls it) came from. So in an effort to be proactive about averting disaster I have an appointment tomorrow.

***************************************

I bought a new purse today. For some reason it's making me happy.

There's Just Too Much That Time Cannot Erase

I made a new video. Mostly because I wanted to share the song I chose for it. I need to go back and add a name once I get the pathology report and know the chromosomes.

I heard this song on the radio the morning of my D&C. It's haunted me ever since.

(Please see Video for updated version.)

And then the Pain

I take it back. Last night I woke up to horrible pain and cramps at 3am. I went to the bathroom and found blood and chunks when I wiped. I considered taking my prescription pain meds, but they haven't really been that great so I went with the old standby: Pamprin. What relief when that finally kicked in!

I guess the bleeding has started. I wonder if it's because I started taking my low aspirin again on Friday. Maybe I shouldn't for a while.

My Reality

Today wasn't a bad day. I slept in a bit although my hubby woke me up with his conference call around 9am this morning. I lazed around and finally got up around 10.

Pain hasn't been too bad and what pain/cramps I do have isn't touched by the Tylenol with Codeine. It seems a waste to have even bothered getting them from the pharmacy. I have a bunch left, I should sell them on the black market.

I've had very little bleeding too, I guess that's good. It's sort of weird too.

I went to lunch with some friends, drank a lot of beer and then continued the party at my house. We played guitar and sang then watched a funny movie. I had a good time.

Before meeting them for lunch I went to the hospital to pick up the CD of my ultrasounds. I figured I should have whatever mementos I could possibly have and put them in my box of dead babies.

It's pretty miserable to read the ultrasound report: "No fetal heart beat or fetal motion was seen".

That is my life.

That is my reality.

All Done

I'm home and resting now. Pain isn't too bad. Everything went well. More later.

Now I've Really Done It!

What has gotten into me? I just posted a "note" on Facebook.

I am now a pregnancy loss spokesperson.

Here is my "note":

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"Clarification"

It seems that I've been too confusing and cryptic. I hope that this will clear things up.

Score card: Pregnancies - 9, Live Babies - 0

My husband and I were "expecting" again. I hate that terminology because it's taken on a whole new meaning for me. Was I "expecting" to have another miscarriage? Yeah, I probably was. Did I hope it would work out? Of course. Hope is pretty ridiculous at times. Sometimes I'm so sad and defeated I can't bear to even think about hoping again. And other times I think maybe the next time will be the one that works out.

So, at almost nine weeks pregnant I had the 2nd ultrasound Thursday (4/8) and there was no heart beat when there was a few weeks ago.

I'm scheduled for a D&C.

Aside from this latest pregnancy, in the last 2 years I have been pregnant 6 times. These pregnancies were all considered "chemical pregnancies". It means that I had positive blood/urine tests, but the levels dropped and the pregnancy ended before it could be seen on ultrasound at which point it is considered a "clinical pregnancy". In the grand scheme of things I'm told these don't count. Bull shit. They count to me. Every positive brings new hope, only to turn into heartbreak.

Two years ago (to the day - 4/8/08) I had the ultrasound showing Sean having no heartbeat. It was just dumb luck that I found out that way because otherwise I would have found out in a not so pleasant way the next day. "Products of conception" passed naturally (and painfully) and the D&C was canceled.

The year before that I was pregnant for the first time. I was like any first time pregnant "mom-to-be". Glowing with the knowledge of the new life growing inside me. Shouting it from the roof tops and all that crap that I can't really stand now but smile and put up with because I don't want to be an a-hole. While I'm happy for people who have healthy pregnancies and bear live babies, deep down I'm a bitter, jealous mess. But I wouldn't wish this misery on my worst enemy.

I found out from my first pregnancy that I have a blood clotting problem: antiphospholipid antibody syndrome. Isabella was starved inside me, the placenta a mess of clots, unable to transfer nutrients. She measured as 14 weeks gestation at 18-19 weeks. I never looked pregnant.

Back then I wondered how I would go on. It hasn't been easy. But I'm tired of the taboo. I think mentally I'm in a lot better place today than I might have been if I didn't let it all hang out on Facebook these past few days. I've never done that before and it was like a crushing weight was lifted from my shoulders. Pregnancy loss shouldn't be some big sad secret that's only whispered about like it's something to be ashamed of. It's like I've come out of the dead baby closet. It's obviously not the answer for everyone, it is a very personal loss.

But if you think about it, if you gave birth to a baby and it died from leukemia at 6 months or even if it died at 6 days, people would recognize that loss and console you, even grieve with you. But if the baby dies before it's born it's like nothing happened or is worth mentioning. (Maybe it's not that harsh, but it goes back to what I've said before, people don't know how to deal with death and the inability is just compounded when it's a baby who died.)

Of course I still cry occasionally and it's still hard. But I don't have to pretend anymore. I don't care who knows. I'm not ashamed, nor should I be. In general, I'm in a happier place than I've been in a long time, so maybe that makes it a little easier as well. But like any loss, it takes time. Grief is a process. Rome wasn't built in a day.

I can't stress enough my appreciation to those who have contacted me and shared their stories with me. I feel like we (the reproductively disabled) need to stick together. Other people really don't understand if they haven't been there. It's an exclusive club that no one wants to join.

It Will All Be Over Soon

After a lot of going back and forth with my doctor and finding out some things at school today I'm having the D&C at 12:15 tomorrow. I normally have chemistry lab on Wednesday afternoon but it's a "workshop" this week and since I have a different lab instructor than I have for lecture, she doesn't really teach us anything. She reads us the handout and it's a big waste of time. I can read it at home just fine, thank you. My wonderful doctor is coming in on his day off to do my D&C. Then I can go home and relax the rest of the afternoon/evening.

So no food/drink after midnight tonight.

I'm glad this will soon be over and maybe I'll get some answers.

I'm debating getting an IUD put in. I don't want to get pregnant anymore. I'm not sure if I feel this way because I'm upset or because it's the right thing to do. I think it all needs to be put on hold until I'm done with school. I don't want to go through this again while taking classes.

Please

My hubby is away for work. I wish I had someone to talk to.

Scheduling looks like it is going to screw me. I don't know what will happen. Friday is the only day I can do a D&C and it's the only day my doctor can't do it.

Someone, please make this all go away!

My Mom is Crazy

I'm having some issues with my mom. This actually goes back a few months but it was exacerbated this weekend.

Some back story:

I call my mom on occasion to say hi and tell her some news like grades from school or any general goings on in my life. She only has a cell phone, like me, so when I call she could be anywhere doing anything. That's usually the case. Twice lately I've called and she's out shopping. If that were me I probably wouldn't answer because I don't like to have personal conversations in public. (And really, she lives 4 hours away from me, if something horrible had happened her checking her voice mail and calling me back in a half an hour wouldn't matter much in the grand scheme of things.) But she answers and is all distracted and generally needs to call me back because she can't shop and talk at the same time. So why couldn't I have just left a voice mail??

And twice lately she's had her husband answer the phone for her. She did it when I called to say Happy Easter because she was out in the garden. Not really a big deal. But when I called on Saturday morning to tell her about my latest failed pregnancy it pissed me off what she had him answer because she was in the shower. THAT'S WHAT VOICE MAIL IS FOR!!! It's not like I don't like him, it's not like I don't want to talk to him but he's not my dad. They started dating long after I was out of the house. I don't really care to relay my bad news to her through him.

So because I was pissed off at her bizarro phone etiquette, I sent her an email telling her what happened and shut off my phone so that when she got out of the shower and called me back it would go right to voice mail. Then not long after I turned my phone back on, got her voice mail and then sent her a return voice mail which Sprint allows between phones on their network. That way I didn't have to actually call.

I know it was childish of me to do that but I'm just so frustrated with the whole phone situation. It's like that ex-friend of mine, my maid of honor, who only called me when she was driving somewhere or busy doing something. Who does that?!? Who decides they want to catch up with an old friend on their way to work in all of 15 minutes? Or while they're shopping for a few groceries on their way home? I'm not one to talk on the phone for hours but if you call me and I answer I will direct all my attention to our conversation.

So she got my email and since she's also a "friend" of mine on Facebook, she also saw all the stuff I posted. She actually checked Facebook first.

Then today:

She called me as my A&P class was starting so I didn't answer, I can't remember what she said but it was basically that she hoped I would call her and some other words of sympathy.

Then not an hour later, as my class was ending she sent me a nasty email saying how she's my mother and I shut her out and she's not too happy that I thought I would let her know. WHAT?? She's pissed at me? How does that make any sense??

I emailed her back saying I didn't appreciate her getting upset with me, that I call her but she's always out doing things and can't talk and I'm always busy so when I call I have time but then when she can call back I'm in school or at work or at EMT class. It's ridiculous.

I made it clear to her that I didn't tell anyone I was pregnant so it wasn't like she was left out. And that obviously keeping it a secret doesn't help. And then I told her that if she is mad at me then she should let me know when she's not anymore and we could talk then.

But what the hell!?

I got home this afternoon and got a card from her in the mail. (She really ran it to the post office for it to get mailed on Saturday and get here Monday.) It makes me wonder if what she wrote in the card is really what she thinks/feels or if she's saying what she thinks I want to hear. She told me she is very sorry for the loss of another grandchild. And that she is so much more troubled for my personal loss of this baby. What?? She doesn't make any sense to me.

So I don't know what to do with her. It's just bizarre. I can't get over the fact that she's upset with me. What gives her the nerve?

Call and Ask

Upon further review (and lack of cramping/bleeding) it's been decided that complete miscarriage won't occur for at least a few more days. 

Since the baby only recently died, the natural hormone levels need to drop before my dumb uterus will get with the picture. It makes me think taking progesterone is a big messy waste of time.  And it obviously doesn't keep babies alive. It just keeps the dead ones in there. 

Sean died a while before he came out. I have no way of knowing when that was so I remember him the day he left my body.  I was just lucky to find out by ultrasound the day before it happened.  I remember thinking 2 years ago it was sort of a good thing, the knowing. Imagine my shock and misery to not know what was in store.

So I wonder what I should do. A D&C is not fun but would get the job done and fast. Get it over. And my doctor would have the "stuff" in hand to send to pathology.  I wouldn't have to carry a baggy of dead baby to the office like I did with Sean. 

This Friday I have no classes because my A&P teacher is going on a trip. Monday is a holiday in MA so no school that day either. Maybe I should get a D&C on Friday. 

The only thing is it will ruin my hubby's weekend. He has a guys' weekend planned with his best friends from college. Drinking, video games, maybe a casino. Who wants to cancel that to drive your wife home from a D&C and take care of her all weekend. I'd rather go to the casino.

And of course if I make plans I will surely miscarry naturally before Friday and not need the D&C. That wouldn't be bad either I guess. 

Maybe someone else can drive me home from the D&C. Afterall, hubby will only be an hour and a half away. It's not like I would need him to hold my hand all weekend. I would probably just sleep a lot anyway.

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I just talked to him about it. He's against it because he doesn't like going to the doctor or having procedures.  He thinks I'm too impatient and that I just want to know the sex so I can name it and be all "weird". Really I think he's selfish and doesn't want his weekend with the guys ruined worrying about me recovering at home.

I want to know about the chromosomes. If they're normal then we should just give up. Then it's the oven that's obviously broken and we shouldn't waste our time or subject ourselves to this anguish anymore.

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And thinking about it more there's a chance my doctor won't be able to do it Friday. He might be off that day. I guess there's one way to find out. Call and ask.

Back to Our Regularly Scheduled Programming

Oddly enough, I'm feeling a lot better. That might change when the horrible cramps come as I know they will, but until then my mental outlook isn't so bad.

For those of you reading who are friends with me on Facebook please let me know if you think I went a little too crazy with some of the stuff I posted. I'm interested in knowing. I don't regret it but I'm curious to know what folks think who are in this babylost boat as opposed to my other Facebook friends who haven't been there.

My hubby and I had a lazy day yesterday. He forced me to go for a walk with him in the late afternoon and then we had monster cheeseburgers and pasta salad for dinner. And beer because, hey, I'm not pregnant, right?

He's out raking the lawn, that's what he does. Keep busy.

Thursday night I had to go to my EMT class because you have to go to each class or pay $50 to make it up. I stayed through the lecture portion but couldn't face back-board practice where I would have to interact with people. I hadn't been able to hold back the tears as it was. I took my instructor aside at break and told her what happened and she of course told me to go home. My hubby asked if I snuck out at break, I said no, she told me to go home. I told him someone would have to be an a-hole to say "suck it up, it's time to do some back-boarding!" She told me she had also had a miscarriage before having her kids. I have yet to hear someone tell me, "oh yeah, I had 10 miscarriages before I had my kids." I'll keep you posted if that ever changes.

Back to school tomorrow. I don't know if the bleeding will be today or not, I forecast it will based on stopping the progesterone, but I know how my body likes to trick me. My doctor wants me to bring in the "tissue" for pathology. I hope I don't have to collect it in a bathroom stall.

So aside from the inevitable it's back to our regularly scheduled programming.

Thanks for the Love

Wifey is awesome: semi-fertile....

And thank you to everyone else who has posted a comment or sent an email. I appreciate it.

And Facebook can suck it. I'm done sugar-coating my life, I'm throwing it in everyone's face. I don't care anymore.

Baby #9

I hope everyone understands why I didn't post that I was pregnant. I was tired of saying it just to take it back. Not that this is any easier. 

This is what happened:

I started my period on January 20th, no different than any other month. Didn't chart, didn't test for ovulation. Didn't really try. The last time my husband and I had sex was Valentine's Day. I had no expectations. I was busy with school.  I completed and submitted my grad school applications in the last week of February.  My EMT course started in the beginning of March.

I hadn't had my period yet so my doctor sent me for a blood test on March 5th. I was literally shocked to see a positive result and not only that but a whopping number: 628

Of course they like to see a trend so I returned on March 8th and got the results: 2635

I know better than to get my hopes up but this seemed promising. But I was already upset. I felt like this one would work out and all my school plans would get messed up. (I guess I don't have to worry about that now.)

I was scheduled for an ultrasound on March 19th. The day before my birthday. The measurements were off but I know I ovulate late. But we saw a fetal pole and heart beat: 120bpm. I was dated at 5w6d, due date 11/13/10. 

My doctor suggested another ultrasound to see my progress. I went at 3:30 on April 8th. Two years to the day when I had the ultrasound that showed Sean had no heart beat. It was the same thing all over again. At least this time the tech didn't suck so there was no pretending. I got the story straight.

The growth was good, measured 8w3d for it being 8w5d. Its tiny heart had only recently stopped. 

I went home broken hearted and defeated again by my own body. 

I didn't take my lovenox shot on Thursday or my progesterone suppositories. So it's just a matter of time. I could have a D&C but would rather not. And my doctor said if I don't start bleeding and pass tissue soon then he'll give me misoprostol. I doubt it will come to that. 

So here I am again. It's hard because this is the longest I've been pregnant in 2 years. 

I didn't think I had gotten my hopes up but apparently I can lie effectively to myself now. 

Today I remember Sean Eoghan on his two year anniversary.

And also this latest loss.

And that makes 9.

A Little Bit Pregnant

I just got done with my anatomy and physiology class for today. The teacher said something that really irked me and I debated sticking around after class to talk to her about it. A lot of other people stayed to ask her questions so I just left. I feel like I chickened out.

I can't even remember what point she was trying to emphasize but she tried to by saying, "It's like being pregnant, you either are or you aren't, you're not 'a little bit pregnant'."

I beg to differ. I've been 'a little bit pregnant' more times than I care to count. I wanted to explain to her that it's when you've had multiple miscarriages and you get pregnant again and you know it's not a sure bet so you're only a little bit pregnant. Or you've had yet another miscarriage, you were a little bit pregnant. At this point my philosophy is: being pregnant means reaching the end goal: a live, breathing on its own, screaming/crying baby. Up until that goal is reached I'll have only experienced a little bit pregnant.

Unexpected

My husband and I watched the movie "Up" last night. A cute Disney film about a cranky old man who makes his house float with about a million helium balloons.

Spoiler Alert: Little did I know that in the first 12 minutes we'd find out how he became a cranky old man by seeing his life from wedding day to the death of his wife which included a miscarriage. I really wasn't expecting that and I bawled my eyes out. Thanks a lot Disney. It's really a bummer how much these so called children's movies are so real life. What happened to happily ever after?

Whoever animated the wife, drew her or cgi'd her, they got her expression exactly right. I don't think an Academy Award winning actress could have acted it any better.

Good Luck

A friend of mine's wife announced on Facebook last night that she is pregnant. It made me feel miserable. I am happy for them on some level, but it just makes me so sad for myself. I suppose it's selfish of me to think that people (friends?) who know what I've been through should somehow apply some restraint to their announcements of such news. When I hear that someone is pregnant, I don't think, "congratuations", I think, "good luck". But as I read somewhere else, I've taken the statistical bullet for everyone I know IRL. So I'm sure that everything will be perfectly fine for her. Why shouldn't it be?

I hate myself for feeling this way.

Final Essay

Sorry to keep beating this to death, but I had to write an even beefier essay for the other school I applied to so I fluffed up the previous one. I'm pretty pumped about it. Here's my essay for the final time:

I spent the past eight years working as a systems engineer with a degree in electrical engineering. In the last few years of my engineering career I no longer found my work enjoyable and realized I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life in a career I found unfulfilling. That time in my life was also marked by personal disappointment. My husband and I had hoped to start a family, an exciting new chapter in our lives. Unfortunately I found that every pregnancy doesn’t have a happy outcome. During this difficult time I formed a strong mentoring relationship with my obstetrician/gynecologist. My passion for having a family was transformed into a passion for finding out why I had suffered multiple losses. My doctor, who understood my dissatisfaction with my engineering career, gave me the nudge I needed to consider a career change to the medical field. After a short time of careful consideration I put all my effort toward taking the necessary steps to reach my goal.

I knew that any significant change in career direction would mean further education. Five years ago I would never have considered obtaining a masters degree. I had already struggled with the coursework for my electrical engineering degree. In choosing this new career direction I found that I needed to take several courses before applying to a program. As I complete these prerequisites, I’m enjoying my studies more than I ever thought possible. It’s so refreshing to wake up in the morning and be excited about the day ahead.

As part of my patient contact hours I have been working as an assistant to the nurse practitioner in the office of my obstetrician/gynecologist. I’ve also been able to witness first hand how to sensitively care for patients who are in physical and emotional pain. Compassion is a vital element of quality care. My own experiences will influence my approach to providing compassionate and quality care to patients. I want to be the kind of provider my doctor was to me. Although my work in this office setting is very valuable, it is also specialized. Therefore I am currently enrolled in basic EMT training. Once completed, I plan to finish my patient contact hours as an EMT. I feel that this will broaden my experience and better prepare me for the variety of challenges that your PA program will provide.

I have also spent time shadowing a physician assistant in an ear, nose and throat office. I was able to witness her execute her daily duties and realize the intricacies in the area of ear, nose and throat. From my time with her I was able to learn more about her own journey to becoming a physician assistant and feel even more confident in my own decision to pursue this exciting new direction in my life.

Along with my current full course load, patient contact hours and EMT training, I’m also involved in a work-study position to inventory my college’s anatomy and physiology lab as well as a volunteer position at the Pittsfield Public Library tutoring English. I enjoy my volunteering activities because of the opportunity it provides me to give back to the community, and I feel that this further prepares me to work in the community after graduation.

I'm excited about the coursework for the PA program but even more enthusiastic about the rotations and the opportunity to interact with patients. The process of completing my patient contact hours has been especially exhilarating for me because it is such a change from my engineering career where I spent most of my time in a cubicle. I really enjoy interacting with people and the chance to help them makes it even more gratifying. I attended an information session at Albany Medical College and was impressed by the faculty, the students and the proximity to Albany Medical Center. Albany Medical College is my choice for graduate school because of the small class size and the personal relationships it allows between student and instructor.

I have often been told that things happen for a reason. When I reflect on the pivotal moments in my life I believe each choice led me down a better path. While a career in engineering isn’t for me, it was through this work that I met my husband. Likewise, my misfortunes in trying to start a family have led me to a new crossroads. By becoming a physician assistant I believe I will find life work that will allow me to give myself to others in a way that will be both satisfying and rewarding. As part of this journey I look forward to attending Albany Medical College and becoming part of the Albany Medical College family.

Essay - Reworked

I've spent a lot of time on my essay this week, I think it's ready. Check it out:

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I spent the last eight years working as a systems engineer with a degree in electrical engineering. In the last few years of my engineering career I no longer found my work enjoyable and realized I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life in a career I found unfulfilling. That time in my life was also marked by personal disappointment. My husband and I had hoped to start a family; unfortunately I found that every pregnancy doesn’t have a happy outcome. My passion for having a family was translated into a passion for finding out why I had suffered multiple losses. My doctor, who understood my dissatisfaction with my engineering career, gave me the nudge I needed to consider a career change to the medical field. After a short time of careful consideration I put all my effort toward taking the necessary steps to reach my goal.

I knew that a significant change in career direction would mean further education. Five years ago I would never have considered getting a masters degree. I struggled with the coursework for my electrical engineering degree. In choosing this new career direction I found that I needed to take several courses before applying to a program. As I complete these prerequisites, I’m enjoying my studies more than I ever thought possible.

As part of my patient contact hours I’ve been working as an assistant to the nurse practitioner in the office of my ob/gyn. I’ve also been able to witness first hand how to sensitively care for patients who are in physical and emotional pain. Compassion is a vital element of quality care. My own experiences will influence my approach to providing compassionate care to patients. Although my work in this office setting is very valuable, it is also specialized. Therefore I am in the process of enrolling in basic EMT training. Once completed, I plan to finish my patient contact hours as an EMT. I feel that this broaden my experience and better prepare me for the variety of challenges that your PA program will provide.

Along with my current full course load, patient contact hours and upcoming EMT training, I’m also involved in a workstudy position to inventory my college’s anatomy and physiology lab and a volunteer position at the library tutoring English. I enjoy my volunteering activities because of the opportunity it provides me to give back to the community and I feel that this further prepares me to work in the community after graduation.

I have often been told that things happen for a reason. When I reflect on the pivotal moments in my life I believe each choice led me down a better path. While a career in engineering isn’t for me, it was through this work that I met my husband. Likewise, my misfortunes in trying to start a family have led me to a new crossroads. By becoming a PA I believe I will find life work that will allow me to give myself to others in a way that will be both satisfying and rewarding.

Tests, Snow Days and Grad School Applications, Oh My!

If it weren't for another snow day cancellation today I probably wouldn't be posting. I'm actually pretty bummed out because 2 weeks ago we had a snow day on Wednesday and ended up not having any snow and we got behind in our chemistry lab schedule compared to the Tuesday lab folks. So here we are again, no lab and behind even more.

School is going well, it's a lot busier this semester with 4 classes. I had a test in each last week, so I was pretty frazzled but I thought I did pretty well. I must admit that I'm disappointed with my grades that I have gotten back. Microbiology - 89, and Anatomy and Physiology - 87 with likely extra credit added I might end up with a 93. Statistics was easy - 95. I'm still waiting to get back my chemistry test.

After a hectic week of tests and studying I decided I should look into getting my grad school applications going. It's lucky I did! The school I really want to go to has a long applications window, but they do a rolling admissions. So the earlier you apply the better. It basically means that if someone applies now and gets accepted and then someone else applies in September that's better, they might not get a spot because they're taken up already. The other issue is that they use an online form that has cycle of April to March, so each April they purge all their previous year's data and start fresh. Most colleges' application cycles correspond with this but the school I want overlaps this, so they say get your stuff in my March 1st so it has 4 weeks to process it before the purge or you have to wait until May to apply. So that leaves me a week to get it done! Holy crap!

I was pretty stressed out Sunday night wondering how I was going to pull it off, but it's actually coming together pretty well. I'm waiting for a couple letters of reference, one from my doctor who I've emailed and left a note on his desk but I haven't heard from him. If it wasn't for all this snow I would drive over there and make sure he got my message. I just hope he can get his submitted by Friday evening. I want to hit my submit button by Saturday night if at all possible. Amazingly the NP at the office has already submitted hers, she's the best! She's not that great with computers so I'm really surprised she got hers done first.

I'm still working on my "personal narrative". It's not as long as they allow you for space, but sometimes less is more and all that. I'm not one to add fluff to an essay just to get a certain word count.

So I don't know what to do with myself today. It feels like a waste sort of, but I'm glad I was able to catch up on some sleep. Needless to say I haven't been sleeping well with everything that's on my mind. Once I get the application submitted I hope sleep will follow.

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Here's my personal narrative if you're interested: (any comments or suggestions would be welcomed as well!)

I have a degree in electrical engineering and worked as a systems engineer for eight years before I came to the realization that I didn’t have to spend the rest of my working years feeling unfulfilled. I knew that no worthwhile job would be posted in the classifieds and any that was worthwhile would require going back to school. Coinciding with the last few years of my engineering career were attempts at starting a family, an exciting new chapter in my life. Unfortunately I found that every pregnancy doesn’t have a happy outcome. With these tragedies I formed a solid relationship with my ob/gyn in trying to solve my medical problems. My passion for having a family was translated into a passion for finding out why I couldn’t. My doctor, knowing my dissatisfaction with my work gave me the nudge I needed to consider a career change to the medical field. After a short time of careful consideration I put all my effort toward taking the steps necessary to reach my goal.

If you asked me five years ago if I was interested in getting my masters, I would have given you a resounding no. I didn’t enjoy my courses in getting my electrical engineering degree. Now I’m enjoying school more than I thought possible as I complete my prerequisites. It’s so refreshing to wake up in the morning and be excited for the day ahead.

In the time I’ve spent working in my doctor’s office I’ve been able to witness first hand how to be a health provider, when the news is good and when it’s not. I want to be the kind of provider my doctor was to me. I know how much compassion comes into receiving quality care. I’ve also learned how not to be because of those I’ve encountered who lacked that compassion.

People always say things happen for a reason and I like to think about different crossroads in my life and how things could be so different if I hadn't made the choices I've made. So while a career in engineering isn’t for me, I might not have met my husband otherwise. And if I could help people as a PA then maybe that will be the good that will come of my own misfortune.

Wonderings

I know, it's shocking to hear from me after only one week! :)

The first week of school was great, so far I'm enjoying my classes. I just need to keep on top of things and I'll be ok. I have a few new instructors this semester and so far they're pretty cool. I do miss my bio 2 instructor from last semester, she was super cool. I'll have to make a point of stopping by her office once in a while to catch up and say hi.
It's weird to feel so happy about school, but I'm also slightly overwhelmed with the undertaking and I feel bad about my husband's stress for being the sole provider, but also sad about our prospects for a family. I feel like the ship has sailed on that part of our lives.

I like to read the comic "Zits", for those of you who don't read it, it's about a teenage boy and his parents. Today's Sunday comic was really cute and actually made me tear up a bit. It's sad to me because I feel like I'll never have that. The adorable little boy or the surly teenager.

(I had to insert the actual comic because the link no longer works....)


I think a big part of why I haven't posted at all in the last few months it that thinking about these things makes me sad. It's hard to be sad and happy at the same time. I feel guilty when I'm happy and then disappointed in the course of my life when I'm sad. (But then also grateful that I'm not still stuck in a job I hate.) I don't want to forget about my babies but I don't want them to be an iron weight I must constantly bear.

I wondered the other day when the day will come that people stop asking us when we're going to have kids. Has it already come?

I'm wondering now if writing a blog about sad things really is so cathartic after a certain point. Is there an end to the tears that could be shed over these losses?

Wait and See

Wow, so it's been more than a few days for this update. Sorry about that.

I thought that after school got done and after Christmas I would have some time to write a big update but then I got busy working and doing everything else that I've been too busy during school to deal with.

So here I am now, the day before classes start again.

First off, I got a 4.0 for the fall semester! I'm very happy about that. I only took 3 classes, so hopefully taking 4 this semester won't cause my GPA to suffer.

I took a training course at the library to get certified to tutor people in English. I've always been something of a grammar freak so it's lots of fun in that respect. I've been tutoring a woman from El Salvador, she's lived here for a long time so she speaks pretty well so we're working on reading. If you have any children's books to recommend, let me know. We started on "The Trumpet of the Swan" by E.B.White, one of my childhood favorites, and she's doing pretty well reading that.

Back in November I started working at my doctor's office. Since he was the one to really give me the big push to start a new career I was happy to have an "in" with him at the office because I need to get "patient contact hours" to even apply to a PA program. It might seem strange for me to work there when I've had such bad experiences at the hands of that office (and particularly from one employee) but it's really not that weird at all. I don't mind random people who are pregnant. I don't have to see them everyday and listen to their pregnancy stories and feel like they're rubbing it in my face like some people I do know who are or have been pregnant since this whole mess started 3 years ago. (I found out on January 16, 2007 that I was pregnant for the first time.)

I have been enjoying school a lot and when people ask me if I miss my old job I can't help having a big smile on my face when I say "Not one bit!" I do miss the folks I use to work with and we occasionally get together for lunch. My husband still works there so I went to the annual holiday party with him and got to catch up with old friends.

I feel like a lot has happened since September, but it's probably just the craziness of school and work and holidays.

Interestingly enough I haven't been pregnant since September. We haven't really been trying that hard and I feel like we've pretty much given up and I've put away all my pregnancy charting stuff. I don't do ovulation tests or have pregnancy tests on hand anymore. I don't mark a calendar about mucus or cramps or twinges. It's weird to think now about getting pregnant and what that might mean if it actually worked out. I'm not really sure anymore.

I guess I'll just have to wait and see.