Huge Update!

So my divorce is official now, I'm just waiting to get the paper work so I can legally change my last name back.  It was a long time coming and quite frustrating it got dragged out as long as it did seeing as we've been apart since the beginning of May 2011.

I had quite the crazy year aside from the divorce stuff.  I had been seeing someone last year during the summer and we even lived together but when things fell apart I moved out.  I found an apartment and a roommate through a volunteer ambulance service I was on and that seemed like it would be a decent situation but that rapidly unraveled.  The kid (a 22 year old boy) turned out to be somewhat crazy and got a restraining order against me because I was fed up with him eating my food without asking or replacing it and I called him out on it.  He got threatening so I called the cops on him and they suggested he stay somewhere else that night.  That was a Friday.  Monday morning he got the restraining order against me just to get me back, so after working a 24 hour shift and getting home Tuesday late morning from some errands to take a nap I was escorted from the apartment by a police officer and told to go to the court house to take care of it.  Unfortunately it wasn't that simple and I luckily got the follow up court date for that Friday instead of a week from Tuesday to get it resolved.  In the meantime I had to find somewhere else to live!!  After calling around and even calling my ex-husband, my new boyfriend of only about 6 weeks was kind enough to take me in.  There were a few reasons why I didn't ask him first, living with the previous boyfriend didn't pan out well, we'd only been seeing each other 6 weeks, and he has 2 cats.  Don't get me wrong, I love cats, but I sure wasn't going to leave my cats at the apartment with the psycho while the restraining order crap got sorted out.  For that matter I wasn't going to go back to living there even if it did get sorted out!  So with police escort I went back to the apartment, gathered up some necessities and clothes and of course my cats and their stuff and hauled it all back to my boyfriend's house.  I literally had the clothes on my back when I left the apartment that morning.  Side story: I was so stressed out about the whole thing I came down with terrible tummy issues and had pretty much non-stop diarrhea from that afternoon into the night.  Unfortunately I had an accident and had to use the public bathroom in the library across from the court house to clean myself up and wash out my underwear.  So not only did I only have the clothes on my back I was now going commando!  Friday rolled around and the restraining order was vacated, but the whole ordeal was just terrible.  I ended up staying living with my boyfriend and paying rent of course and it works out pretty well because he works a lot and I do too so we don't see each other a ton so we don't get on each other's nerves.  He works overnight shifts at his job as a paramedic so 4 nights of the week he's not even home and it's funny because the nights when he is home we don't even sleep in the same bed.  He snores like a chainsaw and I apparently flail around a lot so it's just better for everyone to get a good night's sleep if we sleep separately.  One of his cats is very cuddly and she has adopted my bed as her preferred sleeping spot so every night I'm sandwiched between her and my Katie with purring in stereo!

Last winter I applied again to several PA schools and even branched out to places far away since it didn't really matter if I stuck around this area anymore.  I applied to UNE in Portland, ME and UC Davis in California (not far from Napa which would be dangerous!!).  I also applied to Albany Med again and surprisingly got an interview.  A few weeks later on March 1st I got my acceptance letter!  Albany was always my first choice so I was beyond thrilled!!!  School starts in 3 weeks!!  I'm so excited but also getting really nervous.

Things are going really well with my boyfriend, we have a lot in common and laugh a lot.  I brought him up to Maine a couple times to visit my mom and since it was his first time to Maine he had a blast.  I took him to all my favorite places and we went to the beach and got knocked around by the waves and had a ton of fun.

And now for the really big news:  On September 19th I found out I was pregnant.  It wasn't exactly planned and the timing is pretty horrible with school starting but after all I've been through not for one second did I consider anything but a wait and see attitude.  I'm now 17 weeks and 3 days along.  I'm due for a level 2 ultrasound on the 27th so I'll know how things are really going then.  I'll probably find out the sex too.  I've been pretty ambivalent about it because of all my losses, like maybe if I let myself get excited and get my hopes up then they'll get dashed again.  Also, my boyfriend isn't exactly excited about it.  I know it sounds a little crappy but he knows how rigorous PA school can be and is worried for me and getting through school. I can understand that.  He also had pretty much figured at 36 he'd never have kids so this is a huge deal.

I'm nervous about being pregnant and school and how I'll manage but I'm just taking it a day at a time.  I can't really make plans when I still don't feel 100% that it will work out.  Maybe after the level 2 ultrasound when I know more.

So after my pregnancy with Isabella, this is the longest I've been pregnant.  I'm starting to get a little bit of a belly and switched to wearing maternity pants so I'll be more comfortable.  I also got a Doppler so I can listen to the heart beat when ever I want and it's been steady around 160 bpm from what I can count.  It was around 180 when I had my first ultrasound on October 24th.

So what will be will be.  I'll try not to be such a stranger and keep things updated from here on out.

Long time, no posts...

It's been a long time. A lot has happened. Just wondering if anyone is out there and interested in hearing about it.

Getting on with Life

My soon-to-be-ex-husband has been weird.  A week ago Sunday he sent me a big long email basically asking if I left him for another man because I don't seem too upset about everything so obviously I must have found solace with someone else.  The whole thing is hard of course but since it's what I want and not what he wants then wouldn't it make sense that I wouldn't be having as hard a time as he is?  Frankly I'm a lot happier now, it's been such a relief to not have to deal with his family especially with Father's Day and his mom's birthday this past weekend.  But the weird thing is after I moved my cats to my new place he apparently emailed my mom and my sister about stuff and mentioned about the cats to them.  I think it's creepy that he's emailing them.  Maybe he wants to have some sort of connection with me still or he maybe he just can't talk to his family about it since he's probably now an outcast for being on the divorce track.  I'm pretty sure he went to visit his family this past weekend (for Father's Day and his mom's bday) but when I asked him about it because I wanted to stop by the house he was shifty about saying where he'd be.  He doesn't want me in the house when he's not there but I finally convinced him to stop being so weird and let me have access to my shit!  So I told him I was going to get some clothes and he texts me Monday that when I said clothes I must have meant the camping stuff since I took that.  A while back he said he didn't care about that stuff so I figured I'd take it while I was there and I'm going camping for my friend's wedding at the end of July since I can't really afford to stay in a hotel for 2-3 nights.  Ugg!  I really need to get the paper work going so we can get this over with.  I've sort of been dragging my feet because I've been working a lot and then the rest of the time I'm out having fun and enjoying summer and don't want to deal with dreary divorce crap.  I'll have to work on it tomorrow.  Is it totally horrible that I just want to get on with my life?  I feel bad for him, but it really isn't like this came out of the blue.  I think in March/April when I didn't get pregnant again and had a really weird short cycle things just snapped for me and I decided I didn't want to try anymore.  Then it was like why am I still with him because that was really all we had in common at that point.  What kind of marriage is it when you only have sex to conceive and it's more of a chore than anything else.  I was no longer attracted to him either and with his family and religious stuff, it was hanging by a thread for a while.  I don't know how to explain it to people, no one questions you when you say you're getting married but you get the 3rd degree when you say you're getting divorced.  Have you ever heard someone say: "Why are you getting married???  Why not just stay the way things are??"

Divorce

This is it.

Between stuff with my husband, his family, the Catholic church, miscarriages, I just can't go on. I feel like I haven't been really happy for a while and all this time I thought it was because of dead babies or because of my old job. Maybe it was my husband all this time. My husband, his family and the church are a package deal. I can't have just him and even if I could would I want him anymore? The decision is made.

Now I must disentangle myself.

This Misery Needs to End

Things didn't work out with the clomid. My period started really early too so the whole month was a mess. It crystallized some things for me and I'm making some tough decisions. I haven't been happy for a long time. I quit my engineering job, I went back to school, I applied for PA school, I became an EMT. But the whole while I still wasn't happy because I couldn't have a baby. My body wouldn't cooperate. I'm realizing now that for the last year or more I haven't even wanted to have a baby anymore. I just want to prove I can. So I can say with full confidence now I have given up. I no longer want to become pregnant because I have no hope left it would ever work out.

Another big decision is I won't be going back to church. I use to go every Sunday but stopped last year when Samantha died. I haven't been since. I already knew I wouldn't but I hadn't really stated it to my husband.

We had a talk last night. No more getting pregnant, no more church.

I feel like there should be no more us. I don't feel like I love him anymore. I haven't been in love with him for a while. We'd only have sex because we were going through the motions of trying to get pregnant. There was no intimacy. It's like we're room mates sharing a bed.

Maybe the happiness I've been searching for these last 2 years doesn't include him anymore. Maybe it's time to move on.

This misery needs to end.

Another Meltdown

It's been a while since I last posted. I've been working a lot lately which is great because I've been racking up the patient contact hours and I'm getting paid for it but some of the people I work with really get under my skin. Who knew the EMS field was so full of low lifes?  I feel like a huge snob saying this but I think the majority of my disgust stems from the number of hook ups and knocked up employees floating around the place. Thursday night I went out with people for some drinks and nearly had a meltdown but saved most of it for when I got home and of course the next day at work. The reason for my meltdown was being around an employee who recently popped out a kid that was the product of a one night stand. Apparently some people are morally against abortion let alone condoms but it's ok to have sex with whoever you happen to go home with after a night of drinking. It makes me so mad to even look at her. 

So I was sad and cranky all day Friday with a significant number of crying spells. So professional, right?  One of the paramedics probably still thinks she made me cry even though I told her it was my own personal stuff. Of course people's concern and sad faces just made me want to cry some more. And it probably didn't help that I had my period all last week. Not that we really tried last month. Or that we'll try this month since my husband is away for work a bunch. 

So that's my latest sad story. What's new. 

I feel like if you're pregnant or had a baby in the last 4 years stay away from me. 

Confusion and a Question

Hmmm... So my period only lasted 3 days it seems. I didn't really notice anything out of the ordinary other than day 4 was light to the point of nonexistence and I haven't had really any bleeding since. That's not normal for me. So I'm now wondering if it wasn't a period at all but the infamous implantation bleeding I've read so much about. I think I've had it in the past (at this point it's hard to remember but I think I had it with Isabella 4 years ago - nearly to the day). The days I did bleed weren't excessively heavy or particularly light although thinking back they were a little lighter than usual.

Other confusing signs are I felt queasy for a good portion of yesterday but that might have been because I transported a patient who really stank - nasty stank, I almost gagged but managed to remain professional (I'm suppose to be an EMT...).

Then there's the snot. Every time I've been pregnant (and in the lead up to my period) I am a snot factory. I actually looked this up, it's called rhinitis of pregnancy. It is the technical term for stuffy nose. And usually it starts to go away once my period starts because I'm pretty sure it's tied to progesterone and/or estrogen levels which I'm sure we all know drop off in order for your period to start (because the dumb corpus luteum shuts off because there's no conception or because your hormones are too dumb to do their job). But here it is 7 days in and I'm still full of snot.

I'd also mention that I'm weepy, but I'm pretty emotional as it is so big deal, right?

So the question for anyone out there is: should I bother to do a test or just ride this out? I have one I could use, but then it would be gone and I'm so tired of wasting my money on them. (Info on websites for bulk/cheap HPT's is welcome.) I feel like I want to hold on to it for some weird reason I'm not sure how to explain.

So that's it. I'm going out to shovel snow.

Cruel Journey

This was the Bizarro comic for today. I thought it was funny since my husband sort of feels this way. Not that he has to worry much about it. I'm never pregnant for long.


I'm not going to take clomid this month. What's the point? Maybe I should look into that RE in Tennessee. It's time for last resorts. I'm nearing the end of this cruel journey. It's made me so tired.

Eat, Drink and Be Merry

Yet another whirlwind month has pasted. It's good and bad. Here are the updates:

School:

I'm only taking two classes this semester so it's pretty easy after a summer of organic chemistry - pure misery. I'm taking biochemistry at a nearby 4 year college and anatomy & physiology 2 at the community college in my town where I've taken most of my other classes. I've had two tests so far in A&P2 and I've gotten a 96 and a 98, so I'd say I'm doing pretty well. It's harder to say about biochemistry since we only had our first test this past week and I haven't gotten my grade yet. I've found with taking classes at multiple college settings that it varies greatly in how they test or prepare you for those tests. I studied my butt off on the amino acid structures and abbreviations but not as much on other things so there were a few questions that I had absolutely no clue on. Bummer. We'll find out on Tuesday how I did.

Patient Contact Hours:

I have been working at my local OBGYN office because my own doctor got me in after suggesting I go back to school to be a doctor. I decided on taking the PA route and he helped get me in at his office to rack up some hours required for PA programs. I went in yesterday to hand out some thank-you notes and a couple dozen fresh baked cookies to thank them for their time and allowing me to work there. I got to chat with my doctor a bit as well. It's been a while since I've been in the office. I haven't worked since the beginning of September. Right after Labor day I came down with a bit of a cold and school had started and then the following week the NP I worked with went on vacation for 3 weeks. So I didn't go in so I could focus on school and have some time for myself to decompress after ochem. Then the week she was back my hubby and I went on vacation. While she was away I decided that I've learned all I can from the office and should find a new situation since OBGYN is such a narrow part of the medical field. So....

EMT status:

I passed my practical exam in August but only found out a month later. I've heard that other people in my class have already passed the written exam, the final step between me and an EMT certification. Yet again I dragged my feet a bit and then with our vacation I put it off some more. I have scheduled my exam for November 6th. Wish me luck.

Vacation:

My hubby and I went to Martha's Vineyard for an amazing vacation 2 years ago and met a wonderful mother and daughter traveling together. We've kept in touch with Christmas cards and Facebook and we were invited to the daughter's wedding on October 16th in Santa Barbara, CA. We waffled on whether or not to go for a while but decided it was the best excuse to go to California and when else might we see these wonderful people we spent so much time with on a long weekend 2 years ago. It was amazing. We decided to fly out a week early to have our own vacation, then hit the wedding and fly home the next day. We drove from LAX up the coast over 2 days then spent 4 nights in Napa. Ahhh.... it was heaven. Every day we tasted wine, every day we had beautiful weather, every day was amazing. Then on Thursday we drove to Yosemite, it was crazy beautiful! We only spent the day so we could get up early on Friday and drive to Santa Barbara. I assume since we were coming from such a distance that was the reason why we were invited to the rehearsal dinner on Friday. It was so great to see our old friends and since the daughter getting married is of the personality that just draws you in, all her friends and family were equally welcoming and friendly. After that night it was like we were all friends for years. The wedding was so elegant to the point of being extravagant. Absolutely beautiful. We couldn't have wished for a better vacation. It was almost sad to head home.

At a vineyard in Sonoma

At Yosemite

Catching up with old friends at the rehearsal dinner:

And now back to reality, Reproductive status:

Back on August 13th I took misoprostol to induce miscarriage. Everything passed by the next morning, I had a day or two of bleeding and then nothing for a couple days and then it started up again for about 2 weeks. A week or so went by and I started bleeding again - for 3 weeks. I was glad it at least stopped for our vacation. The week before last I was feeling crampy again and finally this past Monday I started bleeding again, but unlike the light bleeding I had before this was a torrent. It seemed almost more than a regular period, but better than the trickle I had before. I can't imagine this could keep up for 3 weeks. I briefly spoke to my doctor about next steps. He mentioned an article in this week's New England Journal of Medicine about recurrent miscarriage and how he thought about me while reading it. He mentioned an hysteroscopy. I asked about the hot flashes I've had all week. I didn't get to talk to him for long so I later sent him an email asking about my next steps. My buddy Margaret suggested that I do everything at once. Clomid, progesterone, lovenox, baby aspirin. Even though I've tested negative twice this year for antiphospholipid antibody syndrome, it's possible that my levels went up after they tested me at the end of July when I first found out the last time I was pregnant. I asked my doctor about all this and mentioned how my last RE seems to have exhausted all his options with me. I've mentioned before - my local OBGYN is notoriously slow responding to email. I'd rather that medium over a voicemail and phone call back any day though. Regardless, I don't want to actively try this month. My hubby and I have decided to go to his family's for Thanksgiving this year and after two losses this year I feel especially negative toward them even though they have no clue I was even pregnant. It's completely irrational but with every loss it just brings back the hurt they inflicted after I lost Isabella, even though they apologized and haven't said anything hurtful since it lingers. I can't forget. I don't think I can forgive. So in my short conversation with my OBGYN I mentioned that I will be drinking heavily over Thanksgiving just to get through being around his family. :P So I'm waiting to hear what he has to say. Maybe we'll try next month. I don't know. The odds look worse and worse for me. And this article about recurrent miscarriage doesn't instill me with any hope. From the little I could read online without subscribing, the woman in the study had had a live birth before she had multiple miscarriages. That's not my case at all. I want to hear about someone who had 15 miscarriages at varying gestations and then went on to have a live birth. That would give me some hope. Does anyone have a story like that? Please let me know. I don't want to be the woman who never was able. Who kept futilely trying. I want to know when will it be my turn, not if.

Until then I will eat and drink and try to be merry. At least my hubby cooks me good food.

One Month Later

This past month has gone by sort of fast. I guess that's not really a bad thing. When time drags it really sucks. It's a month today since I heard the news. My baby is dead.

I spent the following week crying and feeling sorry for myself. Then tried to pull it all together for my EMT practical exam the following Saturday. We left the next day for Maine to visit my mom and spend a few days there. Not completely unexpected, my mom didn't talk to me about my latest loss and I didn't bother to bring it up. We got home in time for the last weekend in August and my husband to spend the weekend with friends playing craps at a casino. I got together with a friend and did fun things like sailing, drinking beer, eating wings, another day we went to a river to go biking and swim and another day after that we went kayaking and swimming at a nearby lake. I had fun in spite of the miserableness.

Labor Day weekend was low key. Hubby was sick so we didn't get together with anyone but we did have some yummy food. I went running twice (then promptly caught a cold). Then the Tuesday after Labor Day school started. I'm taking biochemistry and anatomy & physiology 2. I'm glad to have a light load this semester after a summer of organic chemistry (BTW, I got a B in ochem 2 same as ochem 1) and after taking 4 classes in the spring with EMT class on top of it.

I still feel adrift about what to do next. If there is a next to this journey. I know that we can't afford to adopt and I think the next person to suggest it to me should have to pony up the dough. I wonder if we just need a long break from it. I wonder if there's any merit to letting my body not deal with weird hormones for a while. I wish there was some explanation for why this keeps happening and if there's "nothing wrong with me" then what happened with Isabella that started this whole thing off in the first place?

I don't normally talk about this but since it's all wrapped together I might as well. I have no sex life. I'm sure as with others who are baby-lost and trying again and grieving a loss that sex has taken on a completely different meaning. I had my cold and before that my hubby was sick (Labor Day weekend) so what little physical contact we had, an occasional smooch or hug, has dwindled to nothing at all. It's sort of weird how little physical contact I've had recently since I don't get many hugs elsewhere. Good thing the cats don't care if I have a cold. They still snuggle me. So as far as the sex thing, it's become non-existent. We all know what happens when I have sex. I get pregnant and then I have a miscarriage. So sex is no longer the fun thing it use to be. It's tainted by what it brings about. My husband is weird about religion and crap so I'm not sure he would go for the condom route but at this point I don't want to really deal with them either. Maybe I need some other form of birth control that isn't hormonal but isn't used on one-night stands either. Suggestions welcome. I think baby-making needs to hit the back burner or be taken off the stove completely.

Speaking of religion... I don't think I've talked about it much on here but that has changed a lot for me recently. I grew up pretty non-religious. My mom took us to Congregational churches when we went which wasn't a lot. Later when I met my husband, a lifelong Catholic, I converted. I did the whole RCIA thing, I bought into it all and was a "good Catholic" for several years even though my liberal upbringing liked to jump out occasionally but for the most part there wasn't too much conflict. Then there was Samantha and I think she was the straw that broke the camel's back. We had just visited my husband's family for Easter and returned home to an ultrasound with no heartbeat. I didn't go to Mass that weekend because needless to say I was upset. I called the priest at our church to talk about what had happened and get his take on it. Of course he didn't have any answers for why God kept doing this to me. I haven't been to Mass since. I'm actually a little surprised/disappointed that he hasn't called in these 5 months to find out why we haven't been coming to Mass. I just can't get on board with it anymore. I know for a lot of people when your baby dies it's like a test of your faith and you become stronger in your faith or something which I obviously don't understand because it hasn't happened to me or like in my case, you turn away from it all. Ironically a lot of my turning away has to do with my husband's mother who is a total nutcase for the Catholic church so much so that she only goes to Mass at a traditional Latin Mass church and has basically said all other Catholic Masses aren't the true Mass, blah blah blah. I think she's crazy. Plus she's better than everyone else because she goes to the fancy Mass you can't understand. I know this because she has told my husband's friend who he's known since middle school that she can't attend his wedding because he and his fiancee have been living together and she can't support that. So much for the friendship your son has had with this guy for nearly 20 years. Just flush it down the toilet. So the whole Catholic thing isn't too appealing to me if that's the way it goes it the "true church". My husband went to visit his family alone this weekend (because I was too sick to go, bummer, I know!) and he went to Mass alone at the local non-crazy parish because, and I quote: "I didn't want my mom to ask questions." Whatever. I don't care if he goes or doesn't. I'm just not going to go anymore. I wonder what kind of craziness would have ensued if I had been with him and outright refused to go to Mass with him. Ha! The shit would have hit the fan, I'm sure. But as "we're a team" he hasn't been going to Mass since Easter, minus this past weekend's exception, so he thinks that "we should start going again". Umm, no.

I didn't intend on offending anyone and if I have, well, those are the blogging-breaks. But please don't post comments about what a horrible person I am for turning away from God/Jesus. I still have the comment moderation in effect so I just won't approve them. I probably won't even read the whole thing before I delete them so don't waste your time. This is probably why I don't post about religion on here often. I don't feel the need to defend my beliefs or lack there of to other people.

So that's it. I think that's enough for now.

In This Boat

Wednesday was a rough day. I was very stressed out for my chemistry test on Thursday. At lunch time I stopped in to see one of my instructors from last semester. I cried in her office and told her about my latest loss. She is such a sweet and kind spoken person I actually laughed through my tears when she exclaimed, "Shit!" Twice as a matter of fact. I don't mind swearing per se, I've sworn plenty depending on the situation, but she just doesn't seem like the swearing type at all so it was surprising and actually pretty amusing. We talked a bunch about what I've been through, specialists I've seen and she automatically starting thinking of other avenues, other ways to get the help I need to actually produce a baby. Her husband is an MD and she teaches all types of biology course so she knows a ton. Later that day she emailed me a link to a website for reproductive immunology. Between this place and the one I previously mentioned in NYC there has to be an answer. I'll hope a little for that.

Thankfully when I got to my chemistry lab shortly after talking to her, I found out we would be having our test as a take-home!! What a relief! I probably asked two or three times if he was serious before I really believed him.

The day only got slightly better with that news though (as evidenced by my previous post). I still feel out of sorts.

Yesterday I decided not to go to work in the afternoon. I have so much going on with school I felt like I was drowning in it. I don't want to list off all the assignments that are due, that would just depress me! So I went home and while this wasn't school work, I went through my medical reports to gather the test results to one place. I'm meeting with my sweet instructor this afternoon to talk about my options more and wanted to have things more in order for that.

I had an appointment with a therapist/NP on Tuesday. She gave me a prescription for Ativan to help me sleep. I'm so glad it works. It sucks so much to go to bed at the same time as my husband and then lie there for a hour or more while he's breathing loud and occasionally snoring. He seriously hits the pillow and is completely out within a minute. Sometimes less. I wish I could do that.

My husband and I went for a walk Wednesday after he got home from work and we talked about baby stuff and what to do. He said we can't do anything about the past we can only look forward. Which basically translates to, "stop crying about the past". That's hard to do. I want to grieve for Samantha, for Sean and especially Isabella during these few day. Extrapolating his philosophy it would be like saying, "My grandfather died yesterday. Ok, enough of that, what's for dinner?" I don't understand why he won't let me or doesn't understand me being sad for a time. As if that is going to influence future results.

So today I go to school for one class, then I'll wait around to meet with my instructor friend and see what we can find in my stack of records. After that, who knows.

Tomorrow is the walk in Northampton. It's also Isabella's 3 year anniversary. I'm sure my emotional week is directly correlated to this milestone. Looking back at that awful time I'm sure I never thought that when 3 years goes by I would still be in this boat. "Childless", miserable, adrift.

Where will I be 3 years from now?

Reflections

There's a woman in my A&P class who sits behind me. We've exchanged greetings on occasion and some small talk but yesterday I had a lengthy conversation with her about school and career goals. I recall back at the beginning of the semester she mentioned something about going to school and juggling her 2 small children and she said to me, "have them when you're young." I'm not completely sure of her age, but I'm guessing she's mid-forties. Class was starting so I smiled and nodded but thought to myself, "that's easier said than done."

But yesterday in our lengthy conversation I made sure to work in my reason for being in school and my multiple losses. I even showed her the pictures I have on my iPod touch of my ultrasounds. She told me about a friend of hers who had also had multiple miscarriages and then saw a doctor in New York City who helped her to carry to term. The woman in my class had her babies by IVF.

I looked him up, checked out his website, read reviews about the book he's written and decided I would call. NYC isn't that far away... no worse than driving to Boston. I have an appointment in July. I could have gotten an appointment in June, but my own scheduling limits me to certain days. They are sending me appointment information and a return envelop so I can send all my medical records for him to review before my appointment. The consultation is a whole hour! Time spent talking to me and my hubby instead of looking over blood work results.

Check it out for yourself!

I know I said I gave up mostly on getting pregnant, but after this last pregnancy I feel like I should either try in a way that is active instead of passive or really give up by means of some form of contraceptive. (I've decided "birth control" is a misnomer. My body does that naturally, I would need something to prevent conception and therefore prevent my hopes from later getting dashed.)

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I emailed my old therapist yesterday asking if I should make an appointment. I feel sort of ok, but I worry that I might be kidding myself and find myself a few months down the road curled in a ball, quivering and sobbing and wondering where this grief smackdown (as Wifey calls it) came from. So in an effort to be proactive about averting disaster I have an appointment tomorrow.

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I bought a new purse today. For some reason it's making me happy.

My Reality

Today wasn't a bad day. I slept in a bit although my hubby woke me up with his conference call around 9am this morning. I lazed around and finally got up around 10.

Pain hasn't been too bad and what pain/cramps I do have isn't touched by the Tylenol with Codeine. It seems a waste to have even bothered getting them from the pharmacy. I have a bunch left, I should sell them on the black market.

I've had very little bleeding too, I guess that's good. It's sort of weird too.

I went to lunch with some friends, drank a lot of beer and then continued the party at my house. We played guitar and sang then watched a funny movie. I had a good time.

Before meeting them for lunch I went to the hospital to pick up the CD of my ultrasounds. I figured I should have whatever mementos I could possibly have and put them in my box of dead babies.

It's pretty miserable to read the ultrasound report: "No fetal heart beat or fetal motion was seen".

That is my life.

That is my reality.

Now I've Really Done It!

What has gotten into me? I just posted a "note" on Facebook.

I am now a pregnancy loss spokesperson.

Here is my "note":

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"Clarification"

It seems that I've been too confusing and cryptic. I hope that this will clear things up.

Score card: Pregnancies - 9, Live Babies - 0

My husband and I were "expecting" again. I hate that terminology because it's taken on a whole new meaning for me. Was I "expecting" to have another miscarriage? Yeah, I probably was. Did I hope it would work out? Of course. Hope is pretty ridiculous at times. Sometimes I'm so sad and defeated I can't bear to even think about hoping again. And other times I think maybe the next time will be the one that works out.

So, at almost nine weeks pregnant I had the 2nd ultrasound Thursday (4/8) and there was no heart beat when there was a few weeks ago.

I'm scheduled for a D&C.

Aside from this latest pregnancy, in the last 2 years I have been pregnant 6 times. These pregnancies were all considered "chemical pregnancies". It means that I had positive blood/urine tests, but the levels dropped and the pregnancy ended before it could be seen on ultrasound at which point it is considered a "clinical pregnancy". In the grand scheme of things I'm told these don't count. Bull shit. They count to me. Every positive brings new hope, only to turn into heartbreak.

Two years ago (to the day - 4/8/08) I had the ultrasound showing Sean having no heartbeat. It was just dumb luck that I found out that way because otherwise I would have found out in a not so pleasant way the next day. "Products of conception" passed naturally (and painfully) and the D&C was canceled.

The year before that I was pregnant for the first time. I was like any first time pregnant "mom-to-be". Glowing with the knowledge of the new life growing inside me. Shouting it from the roof tops and all that crap that I can't really stand now but smile and put up with because I don't want to be an a-hole. While I'm happy for people who have healthy pregnancies and bear live babies, deep down I'm a bitter, jealous mess. But I wouldn't wish this misery on my worst enemy.

I found out from my first pregnancy that I have a blood clotting problem: antiphospholipid antibody syndrome. Isabella was starved inside me, the placenta a mess of clots, unable to transfer nutrients. She measured as 14 weeks gestation at 18-19 weeks. I never looked pregnant.

Back then I wondered how I would go on. It hasn't been easy. But I'm tired of the taboo. I think mentally I'm in a lot better place today than I might have been if I didn't let it all hang out on Facebook these past few days. I've never done that before and it was like a crushing weight was lifted from my shoulders. Pregnancy loss shouldn't be some big sad secret that's only whispered about like it's something to be ashamed of. It's like I've come out of the dead baby closet. It's obviously not the answer for everyone, it is a very personal loss.

But if you think about it, if you gave birth to a baby and it died from leukemia at 6 months or even if it died at 6 days, people would recognize that loss and console you, even grieve with you. But if the baby dies before it's born it's like nothing happened or is worth mentioning. (Maybe it's not that harsh, but it goes back to what I've said before, people don't know how to deal with death and the inability is just compounded when it's a baby who died.)

Of course I still cry occasionally and it's still hard. But I don't have to pretend anymore. I don't care who knows. I'm not ashamed, nor should I be. In general, I'm in a happier place than I've been in a long time, so maybe that makes it a little easier as well. But like any loss, it takes time. Grief is a process. Rome wasn't built in a day.

I can't stress enough my appreciation to those who have contacted me and shared their stories with me. I feel like we (the reproductively disabled) need to stick together. Other people really don't understand if they haven't been there. It's an exclusive club that no one wants to join.

Back to Our Regularly Scheduled Programming

Oddly enough, I'm feeling a lot better. That might change when the horrible cramps come as I know they will, but until then my mental outlook isn't so bad.

For those of you reading who are friends with me on Facebook please let me know if you think I went a little too crazy with some of the stuff I posted. I'm interested in knowing. I don't regret it but I'm curious to know what folks think who are in this babylost boat as opposed to my other Facebook friends who haven't been there.

My hubby and I had a lazy day yesterday. He forced me to go for a walk with him in the late afternoon and then we had monster cheeseburgers and pasta salad for dinner. And beer because, hey, I'm not pregnant, right?

He's out raking the lawn, that's what he does. Keep busy.

Thursday night I had to go to my EMT class because you have to go to each class or pay $50 to make it up. I stayed through the lecture portion but couldn't face back-board practice where I would have to interact with people. I hadn't been able to hold back the tears as it was. I took my instructor aside at break and told her what happened and she of course told me to go home. My hubby asked if I snuck out at break, I said no, she told me to go home. I told him someone would have to be an a-hole to say "suck it up, it's time to do some back-boarding!" She told me she had also had a miscarriage before having her kids. I have yet to hear someone tell me, "oh yeah, I had 10 miscarriages before I had my kids." I'll keep you posted if that ever changes.

Back to school tomorrow. I don't know if the bleeding will be today or not, I forecast it will based on stopping the progesterone, but I know how my body likes to trick me. My doctor wants me to bring in the "tissue" for pathology. I hope I don't have to collect it in a bathroom stall.

So aside from the inevitable it's back to our regularly scheduled programming.

Wonderings

I know, it's shocking to hear from me after only one week! :)

The first week of school was great, so far I'm enjoying my classes. I just need to keep on top of things and I'll be ok. I have a few new instructors this semester and so far they're pretty cool. I do miss my bio 2 instructor from last semester, she was super cool. I'll have to make a point of stopping by her office once in a while to catch up and say hi.
It's weird to feel so happy about school, but I'm also slightly overwhelmed with the undertaking and I feel bad about my husband's stress for being the sole provider, but also sad about our prospects for a family. I feel like the ship has sailed on that part of our lives.

I like to read the comic "Zits", for those of you who don't read it, it's about a teenage boy and his parents. Today's Sunday comic was really cute and actually made me tear up a bit. It's sad to me because I feel like I'll never have that. The adorable little boy or the surly teenager.

(I had to insert the actual comic because the link no longer works....)


I think a big part of why I haven't posted at all in the last few months it that thinking about these things makes me sad. It's hard to be sad and happy at the same time. I feel guilty when I'm happy and then disappointed in the course of my life when I'm sad. (But then also grateful that I'm not still stuck in a job I hate.) I don't want to forget about my babies but I don't want them to be an iron weight I must constantly bear.

I wondered the other day when the day will come that people stop asking us when we're going to have kids. Has it already come?

I'm wondering now if writing a blog about sad things really is so cathartic after a certain point. Is there an end to the tears that could be shed over these losses?

The Good That Will Come

My doctor responded to my email:

Hi Shannon—

I was serious about what I said in the office. The road to medicine is best paved with meaningful life experiences—those are what make doctors more than just number/data crunchers. You’ve been through a lot, and your first-hand experiences would add something to your ability to care for patients that getting a 4.0 at RPI never could, and I think that admissions committees for medical schools know that. That’s not to say that you don’t have to work hard and master unbelievable amounts of material in order to get through medical school—but you take it one day at a time and just do it. It’s obviously not a decision to make on the spur of the moment, but none of the challenges of getting into and finishing medical school are insurmountable or there wouldn’t be any doctors. It’s also not all a bed of roses when you’re done—it’s a lifetime of hard work and demands, but many, many women do it and have families at the same time, so it’s possible, and it’s also a very rewarding career. I wouldn’t worry about the feeling faint around injuries—that’s common and basically you just get used to it.

Hang in there—the future holds good things for you.

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Even though I sent that email to him saying I thought it wasn't a great idea I've still been playing around with it in my head. The comments I got helped too. :) I'm looking into my options and what I would need to do so we'll see where this leads me. (I need to sing the "Confidence" song from "The Sound of Music"!)

Last night when I was getting ready to go to sleep I was talking to my husband about all this stuff and a scene from a movie popped into my head. It's sort of a stretch to apply it to my situation but I thought it was interesting. It's from the movie "Under the Tuscan Sun" staring Diane Lane. Just for some background (bear with me, I'm going from memory) she's an author who finds out her husband has been cheating on her, she gets divorced and then friends put her on a bus tour of Tuscany, while she's there she buys a house and starts fixing it up. She meets this eccentric (English speaking) woman there and in one scene this crazy lady gives her some advice about meeting a man (since she hadn't been with anyone since her divorce). She said "when I was a little girl I use to run in the fields to try to catch ladybugs and I never could catch any so I would lie down in the grass and fall asleep. When I woke up I was covered in ladybugs." Of course the author woman had no idea what she was talking about so the crazy lady yells at her "just go write your book and forget about it!" (Forget about getting laid, that is.) So of course later she finds this hot Italian guy and they make passionate love and the author woman is glad she's still "got it". She finds the crazy lady in a piazza eating ice cream with a table full of nuns and says to her "lots and lots of ladybugs" then walks off with a big smile.

Applying that to me, I've been so focused on monthly cycles and tracking symptoms and I haven't had anything to focus on or put my energy toward aside from baby making (I use to be involved in lots of church stuff and diabetes fund-raising walks). Not that I think med school would be an easy distraction, but I feel like I've been putting a lot of stuff on hold waiting for a baby to pop out of me. My husband's always said I should work as if I would never go on maternity leave. Unfortunately (fortunately?) engineering doesn't seem the place for me to do that. I've been thinking for a while what else I could do and school was always an option but now I think I'm at a place where I can act like I have all the time in the world to pursue a new path. Not that I'm giving up on having a baby. But I can't stand still anymore or like Heather said in her comment "tread water". And if I do get pregnant and it sticks and a baby comes along 9 months later I can reevaluate at that time. But right now it's time for a fresh start.

Lots of people say "things happen for a reason" and I like to think about different crossroads in my life and how things could be so different if I hadn't made the choices I've made. So while I think it's great that I started working at my current job because otherwise I would never have met my husband, I might not have ever gone into engineering if it wasn't for my cheating high school boyfriend. So even though it sucked that he cheated and we broke up, down the line something good came of it. So like I said yesterday to my therapist maybe this is the good that will come of Isabella's death.

I think that would be an amazing tribute to her.

In Real Life

I've been getting friendly with the fiancée of a friend of my husband's from his home town in PA. It's a bummer that she's far away, but we've been emailing back and forth a bunch and it's been really nice to get to know her better. She's a very good influence on my husband's friend, so it makes hanging out with him better than how he use to be.

So a few weeks ago we were in PA for my husband's sister's bridal shower and Friday night we got together with Alice and Craig and also another guy from my husband's childhood and his wife, Peter and Jane. (These are fake names by the way, but it's easier for referencing.) We went to a local bar for some drinks and munchies and at one point in the night, the guys decided to play some songs on the jukebox, and while they were up there Jane asked me if we were still trying to have kids. I sort of shrugged, nodded and said "yeah". It was so out of the blue and I always feel so caught off guard when people bring up pregnancy and babies. So that was it and we either talked about other stuff or the guys came back to the table. (Just for some back story on Jane, I've never gotten good vibes from her, although Peter is really nice. I don't know what I ever did to her, but she always seems really pissy and isn't very friendly.)

So yesterday Alice emailed me and said there was something she has been wondering about and asked if she heard right, that Jane asked if we were trying to have kids. And that if she did ask that it was really insensitive of her.

This is what I emailed back to her:

Jane asked if we were *still* trying to have kids. I don't know if Craig ever knew, but Peter and Jane did, I was pregnant a little over 2 years ago and she ended up dying. It's a long story which I can tell you more about later, but I got to 19 weeks so a lot of people knew I was pregnant. Her name is Isabella, she died in May 2007. I got pregnant again last year, but had a miscarriage at 9 weeks (April 2008), it was a boy and we (I) named him Sean. I don't think Jane or too many other people knew about that pregnancy. And not too many people know that I have been pregnant 5 times since then. I've had tons of tests done and I'm due to have another in a couple more weeks. I hope we finally get some answers. These last 5 are considered "chemical pregnancies" where if you didn't test you would think you were just having a late period. And while my mom and sister have admonished me for testing "early", I really have no choice. I learned after Isabella died that the reason why is because I have a blood clotting problem, so I have to find out as soon as possible (plus I really want to know!) so that I can take blood thinner injections (lovenox). Besides, testing on day 28 is not testing early. I don't know if you've looked at my Facebook stuff very much, but I posted a video that I put together of ultrasound pictures and other things from Isabella and Sean's short lives. My not so happy status posts of late is because I was pregnant last week and then found out the same thing was happening all over again. So I'm currently having a miscarriage, although it seems like a normal (but late) period, I know it's not.

So I can really relate to your feelings about unhealthy people, I feel that way about people who easily get pregnant and complain about being pregnant and then take their precious children for granted. I vow that when/if I ever have kids that I will never complain, not about poopy diapers, teething babies or any of it! I would love to have morning sickness, tons of stretch marks and c-section after c-section as well as being covered in drool, not knowing when my last shower was and my sole purpose in life to be a milk factory on demand day and night. That would be heaven for me.

That's probably a lot more information than you thought you would get. I feel sometimes like I want to tattoo these things across my face and shove it in everyone else's face, but I know that's a little crazy. As sad as this all is, I'm glad you asked and that I could share Isabella and Sean with one more person. It makes me a little bit happy to know that other people know their names.

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Alice is such a nice person and I'm so glad that we're becoming friends and I could share all this with her. It's nice to have a sympathetic ear in real life.

Fingers Crossed

This past weekend my husband and I went to Boston for the No Doubt concert, it was super fun. As luck would have it, my appointment to see a new RE in Boston was scheduled for Friday so I was happy that we didn't have to make a special trip. The weekend was slightly rainy and dreary for parts, but otherwise was packed with fun. We hiked all over the city doing the Freedom Trail and rode the "T" every which way. The appointment with the RE didn't give us any major break-throughs, but we got our blood drawn to do karyotypes on both of us to make sure all our chromosomes are normal to rule out issues from that. I'm nearing the end of my cycle, Thursday will be day 28, so it's just wait and see for now, I'm determined to not test until then. The only suggestion the RE had was if I don't get pregnant this month that she recommends doing a biopsy on my uterus next month which would mean no trying for that month. But depending on the biopsy it would say if I have an infection or something else that is keeping critters from latching on which could be fixed. That sounds unpleasant, but at this point I'll do whatever so bring it on. Obviously I hope I'll find out I'm pregnant on Thursday.

I'm in the throes of planning a birthday party for my husband, he's going to be 30 on July 10th. It's sort of a pain because the majority of people invited live far away, so a decent chunk of them aren't coming. Our parents and his grandparents are coming and now it's down to who is sleeping where. We live in a very touristy area so hotel prices are $150 and up even for not so spiffy motels. So I'm stressing a bit about what to do, get out the air mattresses I guess.

Last weekend we went to PA for my "sister-in-law's" bridal shower. I put it in quotes because I'm such a non-entity to her that I don't feel like I should bother calling her my sister-in-law. She gave a big speech at the beginning of the shower introducing her bridesmaids and gushed over her soon to be sister-in-law (her fiancé's sister) and how they've been calling each other sister for so long and how soon they really will be sisters. Whoop-di-do. According to my husband his family never does anything to purposefully hurt me, so I just have to assume his sister is so completely self centered and oblivious that she couldn't possibly comprehend how hurtful that was for me to hear as her sister-in-law of nearly 5 years. Needless to say I'm not a bridesmaid. Maybe if I was more girlie growing up then I would have more female friends and would actually get picked to be a bridesmaid in the weddings of women who were bridesmaids for me 5 years ago. I guess if my sister ever gets married I'm guaranteed a spot there. Should I really even be upset? I get out of wearing an ugly dress and paying an arm and a leg for it.

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Friday is our 5 year anniversary, this past weekend was our present to each other, but we'll probably make a tasty dinner at home and celebrate in a little bit more low key way. I hope the weather clears up for the weekend, it would be nice to do some gardening and some other things around the house. As my neighbor always says: "Anyone who owns a house, deserves it."

For now I'll keep my fingers crossed for Thursday.

A Philosophy I Should Adopt:

http://happydays.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/06/02/reprieve/?8ty&emc=ty