Video

Updated with Samantha's name.

Samantha

My husband was right. I thought it would have been a boy, but he thought it was a girl. After I showed him the video I made last week he told me his prediction and that he would call her Samantha until further notice. So that's her name.

Samantha.

(Middle name is pending.)

Reflections

There's a woman in my A&P class who sits behind me. We've exchanged greetings on occasion and some small talk but yesterday I had a lengthy conversation with her about school and career goals. I recall back at the beginning of the semester she mentioned something about going to school and juggling her 2 small children and she said to me, "have them when you're young." I'm not completely sure of her age, but I'm guessing she's mid-forties. Class was starting so I smiled and nodded but thought to myself, "that's easier said than done."

But yesterday in our lengthy conversation I made sure to work in my reason for being in school and my multiple losses. I even showed her the pictures I have on my iPod touch of my ultrasounds. She told me about a friend of hers who had also had multiple miscarriages and then saw a doctor in New York City who helped her to carry to term. The woman in my class had her babies by IVF.

I looked him up, checked out his website, read reviews about the book he's written and decided I would call. NYC isn't that far away... no worse than driving to Boston. I have an appointment in July. I could have gotten an appointment in June, but my own scheduling limits me to certain days. They are sending me appointment information and a return envelop so I can send all my medical records for him to review before my appointment. The consultation is a whole hour! Time spent talking to me and my hubby instead of looking over blood work results.

Check it out for yourself!

I know I said I gave up mostly on getting pregnant, but after this last pregnancy I feel like I should either try in a way that is active instead of passive or really give up by means of some form of contraceptive. (I've decided "birth control" is a misnomer. My body does that naturally, I would need something to prevent conception and therefore prevent my hopes from later getting dashed.)

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I emailed my old therapist yesterday asking if I should make an appointment. I feel sort of ok, but I worry that I might be kidding myself and find myself a few months down the road curled in a ball, quivering and sobbing and wondering where this grief smackdown (as Wifey calls it) came from. So in an effort to be proactive about averting disaster I have an appointment tomorrow.

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I bought a new purse today. For some reason it's making me happy.

There's Just Too Much That Time Cannot Erase

I made a new video. Mostly because I wanted to share the song I chose for it. I need to go back and add a name once I get the pathology report and know the chromosomes.

I heard this song on the radio the morning of my D&C. It's haunted me ever since.

(Please see Video for updated version.)

And then the Pain

I take it back. Last night I woke up to horrible pain and cramps at 3am. I went to the bathroom and found blood and chunks when I wiped. I considered taking my prescription pain meds, but they haven't really been that great so I went with the old standby: Pamprin. What relief when that finally kicked in!

I guess the bleeding has started. I wonder if it's because I started taking my low aspirin again on Friday. Maybe I shouldn't for a while.

My Reality

Today wasn't a bad day. I slept in a bit although my hubby woke me up with his conference call around 9am this morning. I lazed around and finally got up around 10.

Pain hasn't been too bad and what pain/cramps I do have isn't touched by the Tylenol with Codeine. It seems a waste to have even bothered getting them from the pharmacy. I have a bunch left, I should sell them on the black market.

I've had very little bleeding too, I guess that's good. It's sort of weird too.

I went to lunch with some friends, drank a lot of beer and then continued the party at my house. We played guitar and sang then watched a funny movie. I had a good time.

Before meeting them for lunch I went to the hospital to pick up the CD of my ultrasounds. I figured I should have whatever mementos I could possibly have and put them in my box of dead babies.

It's pretty miserable to read the ultrasound report: "No fetal heart beat or fetal motion was seen".

That is my life.

That is my reality.

All Done

I'm home and resting now. Pain isn't too bad. Everything went well. More later.

Now I've Really Done It!

What has gotten into me? I just posted a "note" on Facebook.

I am now a pregnancy loss spokesperson.

Here is my "note":

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"Clarification"

It seems that I've been too confusing and cryptic. I hope that this will clear things up.

Score card: Pregnancies - 9, Live Babies - 0

My husband and I were "expecting" again. I hate that terminology because it's taken on a whole new meaning for me. Was I "expecting" to have another miscarriage? Yeah, I probably was. Did I hope it would work out? Of course. Hope is pretty ridiculous at times. Sometimes I'm so sad and defeated I can't bear to even think about hoping again. And other times I think maybe the next time will be the one that works out.

So, at almost nine weeks pregnant I had the 2nd ultrasound Thursday (4/8) and there was no heart beat when there was a few weeks ago.

I'm scheduled for a D&C.

Aside from this latest pregnancy, in the last 2 years I have been pregnant 6 times. These pregnancies were all considered "chemical pregnancies". It means that I had positive blood/urine tests, but the levels dropped and the pregnancy ended before it could be seen on ultrasound at which point it is considered a "clinical pregnancy". In the grand scheme of things I'm told these don't count. Bull shit. They count to me. Every positive brings new hope, only to turn into heartbreak.

Two years ago (to the day - 4/8/08) I had the ultrasound showing Sean having no heartbeat. It was just dumb luck that I found out that way because otherwise I would have found out in a not so pleasant way the next day. "Products of conception" passed naturally (and painfully) and the D&C was canceled.

The year before that I was pregnant for the first time. I was like any first time pregnant "mom-to-be". Glowing with the knowledge of the new life growing inside me. Shouting it from the roof tops and all that crap that I can't really stand now but smile and put up with because I don't want to be an a-hole. While I'm happy for people who have healthy pregnancies and bear live babies, deep down I'm a bitter, jealous mess. But I wouldn't wish this misery on my worst enemy.

I found out from my first pregnancy that I have a blood clotting problem: antiphospholipid antibody syndrome. Isabella was starved inside me, the placenta a mess of clots, unable to transfer nutrients. She measured as 14 weeks gestation at 18-19 weeks. I never looked pregnant.

Back then I wondered how I would go on. It hasn't been easy. But I'm tired of the taboo. I think mentally I'm in a lot better place today than I might have been if I didn't let it all hang out on Facebook these past few days. I've never done that before and it was like a crushing weight was lifted from my shoulders. Pregnancy loss shouldn't be some big sad secret that's only whispered about like it's something to be ashamed of. It's like I've come out of the dead baby closet. It's obviously not the answer for everyone, it is a very personal loss.

But if you think about it, if you gave birth to a baby and it died from leukemia at 6 months or even if it died at 6 days, people would recognize that loss and console you, even grieve with you. But if the baby dies before it's born it's like nothing happened or is worth mentioning. (Maybe it's not that harsh, but it goes back to what I've said before, people don't know how to deal with death and the inability is just compounded when it's a baby who died.)

Of course I still cry occasionally and it's still hard. But I don't have to pretend anymore. I don't care who knows. I'm not ashamed, nor should I be. In general, I'm in a happier place than I've been in a long time, so maybe that makes it a little easier as well. But like any loss, it takes time. Grief is a process. Rome wasn't built in a day.

I can't stress enough my appreciation to those who have contacted me and shared their stories with me. I feel like we (the reproductively disabled) need to stick together. Other people really don't understand if they haven't been there. It's an exclusive club that no one wants to join.

It Will All Be Over Soon

After a lot of going back and forth with my doctor and finding out some things at school today I'm having the D&C at 12:15 tomorrow. I normally have chemistry lab on Wednesday afternoon but it's a "workshop" this week and since I have a different lab instructor than I have for lecture, she doesn't really teach us anything. She reads us the handout and it's a big waste of time. I can read it at home just fine, thank you. My wonderful doctor is coming in on his day off to do my D&C. Then I can go home and relax the rest of the afternoon/evening.

So no food/drink after midnight tonight.

I'm glad this will soon be over and maybe I'll get some answers.

I'm debating getting an IUD put in. I don't want to get pregnant anymore. I'm not sure if I feel this way because I'm upset or because it's the right thing to do. I think it all needs to be put on hold until I'm done with school. I don't want to go through this again while taking classes.

Please

My hubby is away for work. I wish I had someone to talk to.

Scheduling looks like it is going to screw me. I don't know what will happen. Friday is the only day I can do a D&C and it's the only day my doctor can't do it.

Someone, please make this all go away!

My Mom is Crazy

I'm having some issues with my mom. This actually goes back a few months but it was exacerbated this weekend.

Some back story:

I call my mom on occasion to say hi and tell her some news like grades from school or any general goings on in my life. She only has a cell phone, like me, so when I call she could be anywhere doing anything. That's usually the case. Twice lately I've called and she's out shopping. If that were me I probably wouldn't answer because I don't like to have personal conversations in public. (And really, she lives 4 hours away from me, if something horrible had happened her checking her voice mail and calling me back in a half an hour wouldn't matter much in the grand scheme of things.) But she answers and is all distracted and generally needs to call me back because she can't shop and talk at the same time. So why couldn't I have just left a voice mail??

And twice lately she's had her husband answer the phone for her. She did it when I called to say Happy Easter because she was out in the garden. Not really a big deal. But when I called on Saturday morning to tell her about my latest failed pregnancy it pissed me off what she had him answer because she was in the shower. THAT'S WHAT VOICE MAIL IS FOR!!! It's not like I don't like him, it's not like I don't want to talk to him but he's not my dad. They started dating long after I was out of the house. I don't really care to relay my bad news to her through him.

So because I was pissed off at her bizarro phone etiquette, I sent her an email telling her what happened and shut off my phone so that when she got out of the shower and called me back it would go right to voice mail. Then not long after I turned my phone back on, got her voice mail and then sent her a return voice mail which Sprint allows between phones on their network. That way I didn't have to actually call.

I know it was childish of me to do that but I'm just so frustrated with the whole phone situation. It's like that ex-friend of mine, my maid of honor, who only called me when she was driving somewhere or busy doing something. Who does that?!? Who decides they want to catch up with an old friend on their way to work in all of 15 minutes? Or while they're shopping for a few groceries on their way home? I'm not one to talk on the phone for hours but if you call me and I answer I will direct all my attention to our conversation.

So she got my email and since she's also a "friend" of mine on Facebook, she also saw all the stuff I posted. She actually checked Facebook first.

Then today:

She called me as my A&P class was starting so I didn't answer, I can't remember what she said but it was basically that she hoped I would call her and some other words of sympathy.

Then not an hour later, as my class was ending she sent me a nasty email saying how she's my mother and I shut her out and she's not too happy that I thought I would let her know. WHAT?? She's pissed at me? How does that make any sense??

I emailed her back saying I didn't appreciate her getting upset with me, that I call her but she's always out doing things and can't talk and I'm always busy so when I call I have time but then when she can call back I'm in school or at work or at EMT class. It's ridiculous.

I made it clear to her that I didn't tell anyone I was pregnant so it wasn't like she was left out. And that obviously keeping it a secret doesn't help. And then I told her that if she is mad at me then she should let me know when she's not anymore and we could talk then.

But what the hell!?

I got home this afternoon and got a card from her in the mail. (She really ran it to the post office for it to get mailed on Saturday and get here Monday.) It makes me wonder if what she wrote in the card is really what she thinks/feels or if she's saying what she thinks I want to hear. She told me she is very sorry for the loss of another grandchild. And that she is so much more troubled for my personal loss of this baby. What?? She doesn't make any sense to me.

So I don't know what to do with her. It's just bizarre. I can't get over the fact that she's upset with me. What gives her the nerve?

Call and Ask

Upon further review (and lack of cramping/bleeding) it's been decided that complete miscarriage won't occur for at least a few more days. 

Since the baby only recently died, the natural hormone levels need to drop before my dumb uterus will get with the picture. It makes me think taking progesterone is a big messy waste of time.  And it obviously doesn't keep babies alive. It just keeps the dead ones in there. 

Sean died a while before he came out. I have no way of knowing when that was so I remember him the day he left my body.  I was just lucky to find out by ultrasound the day before it happened.  I remember thinking 2 years ago it was sort of a good thing, the knowing. Imagine my shock and misery to not know what was in store.

So I wonder what I should do. A D&C is not fun but would get the job done and fast. Get it over. And my doctor would have the "stuff" in hand to send to pathology.  I wouldn't have to carry a baggy of dead baby to the office like I did with Sean. 

This Friday I have no classes because my A&P teacher is going on a trip. Monday is a holiday in MA so no school that day either. Maybe I should get a D&C on Friday. 

The only thing is it will ruin my hubby's weekend. He has a guys' weekend planned with his best friends from college. Drinking, video games, maybe a casino. Who wants to cancel that to drive your wife home from a D&C and take care of her all weekend. I'd rather go to the casino.

And of course if I make plans I will surely miscarry naturally before Friday and not need the D&C. That wouldn't be bad either I guess. 

Maybe someone else can drive me home from the D&C. Afterall, hubby will only be an hour and a half away. It's not like I would need him to hold my hand all weekend. I would probably just sleep a lot anyway.

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I just talked to him about it. He's against it because he doesn't like going to the doctor or having procedures.  He thinks I'm too impatient and that I just want to know the sex so I can name it and be all "weird". Really I think he's selfish and doesn't want his weekend with the guys ruined worrying about me recovering at home.

I want to know about the chromosomes. If they're normal then we should just give up. Then it's the oven that's obviously broken and we shouldn't waste our time or subject ourselves to this anguish anymore.

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And thinking about it more there's a chance my doctor won't be able to do it Friday. He might be off that day. I guess there's one way to find out. Call and ask.

Back to Our Regularly Scheduled Programming

Oddly enough, I'm feeling a lot better. That might change when the horrible cramps come as I know they will, but until then my mental outlook isn't so bad.

For those of you reading who are friends with me on Facebook please let me know if you think I went a little too crazy with some of the stuff I posted. I'm interested in knowing. I don't regret it but I'm curious to know what folks think who are in this babylost boat as opposed to my other Facebook friends who haven't been there.

My hubby and I had a lazy day yesterday. He forced me to go for a walk with him in the late afternoon and then we had monster cheeseburgers and pasta salad for dinner. And beer because, hey, I'm not pregnant, right?

He's out raking the lawn, that's what he does. Keep busy.

Thursday night I had to go to my EMT class because you have to go to each class or pay $50 to make it up. I stayed through the lecture portion but couldn't face back-board practice where I would have to interact with people. I hadn't been able to hold back the tears as it was. I took my instructor aside at break and told her what happened and she of course told me to go home. My hubby asked if I snuck out at break, I said no, she told me to go home. I told him someone would have to be an a-hole to say "suck it up, it's time to do some back-boarding!" She told me she had also had a miscarriage before having her kids. I have yet to hear someone tell me, "oh yeah, I had 10 miscarriages before I had my kids." I'll keep you posted if that ever changes.

Back to school tomorrow. I don't know if the bleeding will be today or not, I forecast it will based on stopping the progesterone, but I know how my body likes to trick me. My doctor wants me to bring in the "tissue" for pathology. I hope I don't have to collect it in a bathroom stall.

So aside from the inevitable it's back to our regularly scheduled programming.

Thanks for the Love

Wifey is awesome: semi-fertile....

And thank you to everyone else who has posted a comment or sent an email. I appreciate it.

And Facebook can suck it. I'm done sugar-coating my life, I'm throwing it in everyone's face. I don't care anymore.

Baby #9

I hope everyone understands why I didn't post that I was pregnant. I was tired of saying it just to take it back. Not that this is any easier. 

This is what happened:

I started my period on January 20th, no different than any other month. Didn't chart, didn't test for ovulation. Didn't really try. The last time my husband and I had sex was Valentine's Day. I had no expectations. I was busy with school.  I completed and submitted my grad school applications in the last week of February.  My EMT course started in the beginning of March.

I hadn't had my period yet so my doctor sent me for a blood test on March 5th. I was literally shocked to see a positive result and not only that but a whopping number: 628

Of course they like to see a trend so I returned on March 8th and got the results: 2635

I know better than to get my hopes up but this seemed promising. But I was already upset. I felt like this one would work out and all my school plans would get messed up. (I guess I don't have to worry about that now.)

I was scheduled for an ultrasound on March 19th. The day before my birthday. The measurements were off but I know I ovulate late. But we saw a fetal pole and heart beat: 120bpm. I was dated at 5w6d, due date 11/13/10. 

My doctor suggested another ultrasound to see my progress. I went at 3:30 on April 8th. Two years to the day when I had the ultrasound that showed Sean had no heart beat. It was the same thing all over again. At least this time the tech didn't suck so there was no pretending. I got the story straight.

The growth was good, measured 8w3d for it being 8w5d. Its tiny heart had only recently stopped. 

I went home broken hearted and defeated again by my own body. 

I didn't take my lovenox shot on Thursday or my progesterone suppositories. So it's just a matter of time. I could have a D&C but would rather not. And my doctor said if I don't start bleeding and pass tissue soon then he'll give me misoprostol. I doubt it will come to that. 

So here I am again. It's hard because this is the longest I've been pregnant in 2 years. 

I didn't think I had gotten my hopes up but apparently I can lie effectively to myself now. 

Today I remember Sean Eoghan on his two year anniversary.

And also this latest loss.

And that makes 9.