Everyone Else

I have this week off from school so I picked up a couple shifts on the ambulance.  I was on one of the floors for a discharge to a nursing home and bumped into my old therapist who I still keep updated on things in my life.  He knew I was pregnant with Maggie but the last time I emailed with him was before Christmas and obviously a lot has happened since then.  I felt really awkward seeing him when I've been meaning to email him a zillion times and never manage to get around to it.

Then later, his office called about my appointment tomorrow with another clinician (who prescribes my Celexa) needing to be rescheduled stating his wife had her baby.  I felt like I was kicked in the gut, the uterus to be exact.  I knew he and his wife were expecting so it wasn't completely out of the blue but it still took me by surprise to hear it so causally on the phone.  I guess it's not really for the receptionists to know what my issues are and reasons for my office visits.

Later my boyfriend stopped by work to see me and I told him about it and started crying.  It works out for everyone else.

I wish I was still pregnant with Maggie.

Huge Update!

So my divorce is official now, I'm just waiting to get the paper work so I can legally change my last name back.  It was a long time coming and quite frustrating it got dragged out as long as it did seeing as we've been apart since the beginning of May 2011.

I had quite the crazy year aside from the divorce stuff.  I had been seeing someone last year during the summer and we even lived together but when things fell apart I moved out.  I found an apartment and a roommate through a volunteer ambulance service I was on and that seemed like it would be a decent situation but that rapidly unraveled.  The kid (a 22 year old boy) turned out to be somewhat crazy and got a restraining order against me because I was fed up with him eating my food without asking or replacing it and I called him out on it.  He got threatening so I called the cops on him and they suggested he stay somewhere else that night.  That was a Friday.  Monday morning he got the restraining order against me just to get me back, so after working a 24 hour shift and getting home Tuesday late morning from some errands to take a nap I was escorted from the apartment by a police officer and told to go to the court house to take care of it.  Unfortunately it wasn't that simple and I luckily got the follow up court date for that Friday instead of a week from Tuesday to get it resolved.  In the meantime I had to find somewhere else to live!!  After calling around and even calling my ex-husband, my new boyfriend of only about 6 weeks was kind enough to take me in.  There were a few reasons why I didn't ask him first, living with the previous boyfriend didn't pan out well, we'd only been seeing each other 6 weeks, and he has 2 cats.  Don't get me wrong, I love cats, but I sure wasn't going to leave my cats at the apartment with the psycho while the restraining order crap got sorted out.  For that matter I wasn't going to go back to living there even if it did get sorted out!  So with police escort I went back to the apartment, gathered up some necessities and clothes and of course my cats and their stuff and hauled it all back to my boyfriend's house.  I literally had the clothes on my back when I left the apartment that morning.  Side story: I was so stressed out about the whole thing I came down with terrible tummy issues and had pretty much non-stop diarrhea from that afternoon into the night.  Unfortunately I had an accident and had to use the public bathroom in the library across from the court house to clean myself up and wash out my underwear.  So not only did I only have the clothes on my back I was now going commando!  Friday rolled around and the restraining order was vacated, but the whole ordeal was just terrible.  I ended up staying living with my boyfriend and paying rent of course and it works out pretty well because he works a lot and I do too so we don't see each other a ton so we don't get on each other's nerves.  He works overnight shifts at his job as a paramedic so 4 nights of the week he's not even home and it's funny because the nights when he is home we don't even sleep in the same bed.  He snores like a chainsaw and I apparently flail around a lot so it's just better for everyone to get a good night's sleep if we sleep separately.  One of his cats is very cuddly and she has adopted my bed as her preferred sleeping spot so every night I'm sandwiched between her and my Katie with purring in stereo!

Last winter I applied again to several PA schools and even branched out to places far away since it didn't really matter if I stuck around this area anymore.  I applied to UNE in Portland, ME and UC Davis in California (not far from Napa which would be dangerous!!).  I also applied to Albany Med again and surprisingly got an interview.  A few weeks later on March 1st I got my acceptance letter!  Albany was always my first choice so I was beyond thrilled!!!  School starts in 3 weeks!!  I'm so excited but also getting really nervous.

Things are going really well with my boyfriend, we have a lot in common and laugh a lot.  I brought him up to Maine a couple times to visit my mom and since it was his first time to Maine he had a blast.  I took him to all my favorite places and we went to the beach and got knocked around by the waves and had a ton of fun.

And now for the really big news:  On September 19th I found out I was pregnant.  It wasn't exactly planned and the timing is pretty horrible with school starting but after all I've been through not for one second did I consider anything but a wait and see attitude.  I'm now 17 weeks and 3 days along.  I'm due for a level 2 ultrasound on the 27th so I'll know how things are really going then.  I'll probably find out the sex too.  I've been pretty ambivalent about it because of all my losses, like maybe if I let myself get excited and get my hopes up then they'll get dashed again.  Also, my boyfriend isn't exactly excited about it.  I know it sounds a little crappy but he knows how rigorous PA school can be and is worried for me and getting through school. I can understand that.  He also had pretty much figured at 36 he'd never have kids so this is a huge deal.

I'm nervous about being pregnant and school and how I'll manage but I'm just taking it a day at a time.  I can't really make plans when I still don't feel 100% that it will work out.  Maybe after the level 2 ultrasound when I know more.

So after my pregnancy with Isabella, this is the longest I've been pregnant.  I'm starting to get a little bit of a belly and switched to wearing maternity pants so I'll be more comfortable.  I also got a Doppler so I can listen to the heart beat when ever I want and it's been steady around 160 bpm from what I can count.  It was around 180 when I had my first ultrasound on October 24th.

So what will be will be.  I'll try not to be such a stranger and keep things updated from here on out.

Getting on with Life

My soon-to-be-ex-husband has been weird.  A week ago Sunday he sent me a big long email basically asking if I left him for another man because I don't seem too upset about everything so obviously I must have found solace with someone else.  The whole thing is hard of course but since it's what I want and not what he wants then wouldn't it make sense that I wouldn't be having as hard a time as he is?  Frankly I'm a lot happier now, it's been such a relief to not have to deal with his family especially with Father's Day and his mom's birthday this past weekend.  But the weird thing is after I moved my cats to my new place he apparently emailed my mom and my sister about stuff and mentioned about the cats to them.  I think it's creepy that he's emailing them.  Maybe he wants to have some sort of connection with me still or he maybe he just can't talk to his family about it since he's probably now an outcast for being on the divorce track.  I'm pretty sure he went to visit his family this past weekend (for Father's Day and his mom's bday) but when I asked him about it because I wanted to stop by the house he was shifty about saying where he'd be.  He doesn't want me in the house when he's not there but I finally convinced him to stop being so weird and let me have access to my shit!  So I told him I was going to get some clothes and he texts me Monday that when I said clothes I must have meant the camping stuff since I took that.  A while back he said he didn't care about that stuff so I figured I'd take it while I was there and I'm going camping for my friend's wedding at the end of July since I can't really afford to stay in a hotel for 2-3 nights.  Ugg!  I really need to get the paper work going so we can get this over with.  I've sort of been dragging my feet because I've been working a lot and then the rest of the time I'm out having fun and enjoying summer and don't want to deal with dreary divorce crap.  I'll have to work on it tomorrow.  Is it totally horrible that I just want to get on with my life?  I feel bad for him, but it really isn't like this came out of the blue.  I think in March/April when I didn't get pregnant again and had a really weird short cycle things just snapped for me and I decided I didn't want to try anymore.  Then it was like why am I still with him because that was really all we had in common at that point.  What kind of marriage is it when you only have sex to conceive and it's more of a chore than anything else.  I was no longer attracted to him either and with his family and religious stuff, it was hanging by a thread for a while.  I don't know how to explain it to people, no one questions you when you say you're getting married but you get the 3rd degree when you say you're getting divorced.  Have you ever heard someone say: "Why are you getting married???  Why not just stay the way things are??"

Divorce

This is it.

Between stuff with my husband, his family, the Catholic church, miscarriages, I just can't go on. I feel like I haven't been really happy for a while and all this time I thought it was because of dead babies or because of my old job. Maybe it was my husband all this time. My husband, his family and the church are a package deal. I can't have just him and even if I could would I want him anymore? The decision is made.

Now I must disentangle myself.

This Misery Needs to End

Things didn't work out with the clomid. My period started really early too so the whole month was a mess. It crystallized some things for me and I'm making some tough decisions. I haven't been happy for a long time. I quit my engineering job, I went back to school, I applied for PA school, I became an EMT. But the whole while I still wasn't happy because I couldn't have a baby. My body wouldn't cooperate. I'm realizing now that for the last year or more I haven't even wanted to have a baby anymore. I just want to prove I can. So I can say with full confidence now I have given up. I no longer want to become pregnant because I have no hope left it would ever work out.

Another big decision is I won't be going back to church. I use to go every Sunday but stopped last year when Samantha died. I haven't been since. I already knew I wouldn't but I hadn't really stated it to my husband.

We had a talk last night. No more getting pregnant, no more church.

I feel like there should be no more us. I don't feel like I love him anymore. I haven't been in love with him for a while. We'd only have sex because we were going through the motions of trying to get pregnant. There was no intimacy. It's like we're room mates sharing a bed.

Maybe the happiness I've been searching for these last 2 years doesn't include him anymore. Maybe it's time to move on.

This misery needs to end.

Another Meltdown

It's been a while since I last posted. I've been working a lot lately which is great because I've been racking up the patient contact hours and I'm getting paid for it but some of the people I work with really get under my skin. Who knew the EMS field was so full of low lifes?  I feel like a huge snob saying this but I think the majority of my disgust stems from the number of hook ups and knocked up employees floating around the place. Thursday night I went out with people for some drinks and nearly had a meltdown but saved most of it for when I got home and of course the next day at work. The reason for my meltdown was being around an employee who recently popped out a kid that was the product of a one night stand. Apparently some people are morally against abortion let alone condoms but it's ok to have sex with whoever you happen to go home with after a night of drinking. It makes me so mad to even look at her. 

So I was sad and cranky all day Friday with a significant number of crying spells. So professional, right?  One of the paramedics probably still thinks she made me cry even though I told her it was my own personal stuff. Of course people's concern and sad faces just made me want to cry some more. And it probably didn't help that I had my period all last week. Not that we really tried last month. Or that we'll try this month since my husband is away for work a bunch. 

So that's my latest sad story. What's new. 

I feel like if you're pregnant or had a baby in the last 4 years stay away from me. 

Eat, Drink and Be Merry

Yet another whirlwind month has pasted. It's good and bad. Here are the updates:

School:

I'm only taking two classes this semester so it's pretty easy after a summer of organic chemistry - pure misery. I'm taking biochemistry at a nearby 4 year college and anatomy & physiology 2 at the community college in my town where I've taken most of my other classes. I've had two tests so far in A&P2 and I've gotten a 96 and a 98, so I'd say I'm doing pretty well. It's harder to say about biochemistry since we only had our first test this past week and I haven't gotten my grade yet. I've found with taking classes at multiple college settings that it varies greatly in how they test or prepare you for those tests. I studied my butt off on the amino acid structures and abbreviations but not as much on other things so there were a few questions that I had absolutely no clue on. Bummer. We'll find out on Tuesday how I did.

Patient Contact Hours:

I have been working at my local OBGYN office because my own doctor got me in after suggesting I go back to school to be a doctor. I decided on taking the PA route and he helped get me in at his office to rack up some hours required for PA programs. I went in yesterday to hand out some thank-you notes and a couple dozen fresh baked cookies to thank them for their time and allowing me to work there. I got to chat with my doctor a bit as well. It's been a while since I've been in the office. I haven't worked since the beginning of September. Right after Labor day I came down with a bit of a cold and school had started and then the following week the NP I worked with went on vacation for 3 weeks. So I didn't go in so I could focus on school and have some time for myself to decompress after ochem. Then the week she was back my hubby and I went on vacation. While she was away I decided that I've learned all I can from the office and should find a new situation since OBGYN is such a narrow part of the medical field. So....

EMT status:

I passed my practical exam in August but only found out a month later. I've heard that other people in my class have already passed the written exam, the final step between me and an EMT certification. Yet again I dragged my feet a bit and then with our vacation I put it off some more. I have scheduled my exam for November 6th. Wish me luck.

Vacation:

My hubby and I went to Martha's Vineyard for an amazing vacation 2 years ago and met a wonderful mother and daughter traveling together. We've kept in touch with Christmas cards and Facebook and we were invited to the daughter's wedding on October 16th in Santa Barbara, CA. We waffled on whether or not to go for a while but decided it was the best excuse to go to California and when else might we see these wonderful people we spent so much time with on a long weekend 2 years ago. It was amazing. We decided to fly out a week early to have our own vacation, then hit the wedding and fly home the next day. We drove from LAX up the coast over 2 days then spent 4 nights in Napa. Ahhh.... it was heaven. Every day we tasted wine, every day we had beautiful weather, every day was amazing. Then on Thursday we drove to Yosemite, it was crazy beautiful! We only spent the day so we could get up early on Friday and drive to Santa Barbara. I assume since we were coming from such a distance that was the reason why we were invited to the rehearsal dinner on Friday. It was so great to see our old friends and since the daughter getting married is of the personality that just draws you in, all her friends and family were equally welcoming and friendly. After that night it was like we were all friends for years. The wedding was so elegant to the point of being extravagant. Absolutely beautiful. We couldn't have wished for a better vacation. It was almost sad to head home.

At a vineyard in Sonoma

At Yosemite

Catching up with old friends at the rehearsal dinner:

And now back to reality, Reproductive status:

Back on August 13th I took misoprostol to induce miscarriage. Everything passed by the next morning, I had a day or two of bleeding and then nothing for a couple days and then it started up again for about 2 weeks. A week or so went by and I started bleeding again - for 3 weeks. I was glad it at least stopped for our vacation. The week before last I was feeling crampy again and finally this past Monday I started bleeding again, but unlike the light bleeding I had before this was a torrent. It seemed almost more than a regular period, but better than the trickle I had before. I can't imagine this could keep up for 3 weeks. I briefly spoke to my doctor about next steps. He mentioned an article in this week's New England Journal of Medicine about recurrent miscarriage and how he thought about me while reading it. He mentioned an hysteroscopy. I asked about the hot flashes I've had all week. I didn't get to talk to him for long so I later sent him an email asking about my next steps. My buddy Margaret suggested that I do everything at once. Clomid, progesterone, lovenox, baby aspirin. Even though I've tested negative twice this year for antiphospholipid antibody syndrome, it's possible that my levels went up after they tested me at the end of July when I first found out the last time I was pregnant. I asked my doctor about all this and mentioned how my last RE seems to have exhausted all his options with me. I've mentioned before - my local OBGYN is notoriously slow responding to email. I'd rather that medium over a voicemail and phone call back any day though. Regardless, I don't want to actively try this month. My hubby and I have decided to go to his family's for Thanksgiving this year and after two losses this year I feel especially negative toward them even though they have no clue I was even pregnant. It's completely irrational but with every loss it just brings back the hurt they inflicted after I lost Isabella, even though they apologized and haven't said anything hurtful since it lingers. I can't forget. I don't think I can forgive. So in my short conversation with my OBGYN I mentioned that I will be drinking heavily over Thanksgiving just to get through being around his family. :P So I'm waiting to hear what he has to say. Maybe we'll try next month. I don't know. The odds look worse and worse for me. And this article about recurrent miscarriage doesn't instill me with any hope. From the little I could read online without subscribing, the woman in the study had had a live birth before she had multiple miscarriages. That's not my case at all. I want to hear about someone who had 15 miscarriages at varying gestations and then went on to have a live birth. That would give me some hope. Does anyone have a story like that? Please let me know. I don't want to be the woman who never was able. Who kept futilely trying. I want to know when will it be my turn, not if.

Until then I will eat and drink and try to be merry. At least my hubby cooks me good food.

I Don't Think I Will

We didn't do much this weekend except eat. I think my husband thinks eating yummy food will cheer me up. I just feel bloated now.

I was friends with someone on FB and now I'm not, they "unfriended" me. They started going on about how I should just adopt like it's so easy and money grows on trees and it will solve all my problems.

I thought it was rude of them to tell me what I should do next like I shouldn't bother to grieve this loss first. I don't want to think about adoption now. My husband and I discussed it briefly and it's not likely to happen while I'm not working since we don't have the money for it. So that's about 4 years away. I'll be 36. I might as well forget about having kids.

If we tried again I'm sure we'd have the same outcome. At some point enough is enough. Is 10 enough?

I haven't gotten out of bed yet. I don't think I will.

Wait and See

Wow, so it's been more than a few days for this update. Sorry about that.

I thought that after school got done and after Christmas I would have some time to write a big update but then I got busy working and doing everything else that I've been too busy during school to deal with.

So here I am now, the day before classes start again.

First off, I got a 4.0 for the fall semester! I'm very happy about that. I only took 3 classes, so hopefully taking 4 this semester won't cause my GPA to suffer.

I took a training course at the library to get certified to tutor people in English. I've always been something of a grammar freak so it's lots of fun in that respect. I've been tutoring a woman from El Salvador, she's lived here for a long time so she speaks pretty well so we're working on reading. If you have any children's books to recommend, let me know. We started on "The Trumpet of the Swan" by E.B.White, one of my childhood favorites, and she's doing pretty well reading that.

Back in November I started working at my doctor's office. Since he was the one to really give me the big push to start a new career I was happy to have an "in" with him at the office because I need to get "patient contact hours" to even apply to a PA program. It might seem strange for me to work there when I've had such bad experiences at the hands of that office (and particularly from one employee) but it's really not that weird at all. I don't mind random people who are pregnant. I don't have to see them everyday and listen to their pregnancy stories and feel like they're rubbing it in my face like some people I do know who are or have been pregnant since this whole mess started 3 years ago. (I found out on January 16, 2007 that I was pregnant for the first time.)

I have been enjoying school a lot and when people ask me if I miss my old job I can't help having a big smile on my face when I say "Not one bit!" I do miss the folks I use to work with and we occasionally get together for lunch. My husband still works there so I went to the annual holiday party with him and got to catch up with old friends.

I feel like a lot has happened since September, but it's probably just the craziness of school and work and holidays.

Interestingly enough I haven't been pregnant since September. We haven't really been trying that hard and I feel like we've pretty much given up and I've put away all my pregnancy charting stuff. I don't do ovulation tests or have pregnancy tests on hand anymore. I don't mark a calendar about mucus or cramps or twinges. It's weird to think now about getting pregnant and what that might mean if it actually worked out. I'm not really sure anymore.

I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

Waiting out the hours

Tomorrow is my last day at work. This week has been dragging because I have nothing to do. I would say I should just go home and be done with it, but at least I'm getting paid to do nothing so I might as well take the money while I can. My desk is all cleaned out, I just need to wait out the hours.

Today is day 27. I'm guessing that since I didn't get the LH surge until day 18 that it's still too early to test. I think I'll wait until Sunday. I hope I'm pregnant, but I hope even more that if I am that it will stick. I can't very well stand on my head so I'll just keep my fingers (and legs!) crossed.

Spirits are UP!

Monday I was all emotional and weepy after talking to my manager. I'm thinking now that it was weird hormones. We're still trying to get pregnant so as part of that regiment I've been doing the ovulation predictor kits and I got my LH surge yesterday. This just further confirms my luteal phase defect (LPD) issue. If I get the LH surge on the 18th day of my cycle that just means I'm about to ovulate in the next couple days, so say I don't ovulate until the 20th day, and then I have a pretty regular cycle 28-30 days. That's only 8-10 days for the embryo to haul cells down the tube and grab on. Actually less than that because the natural progesterone levels drop a couple days before menstruation beings. That totally spells out LPD!

Way back in the day (late summer/fall 2006) when we first started trying I did all the charting of basal body temperatures and suspected then that I had LPD. My doctor brushed it off. I somehow managed to get pregnant with Isabella anyway. Same thing with Sean, I guess it's a hit or miss situation. Although with Sean I took clomid so maybe that helped.

That's the thing with miscarriages. There are so many variables and even when it does work out and you stay pregnant you don't know if it's because of something you did to help it along or if it would have worked out anyway if you did nothing. It's so frustrating!

So anyway... LH surge yesterday, going to start taking progesterone on Friday (day 21). I had been taking the prometrium, but my RE in Boston said to go back to the suppositories - yuck. I can get on board with that though, because looking back it seemed like the prometrium didn't seem to be as effective/strong as taking the suppositories because bleeding wouldn't begin until 3 days after I stopped taking the suppositories, but it didn't matter for the prometrium.

And then I'll test around day 30. If I get a positive I'll start taking the blood thinner injections to head off the crappy APS. Who knows about PAI 1, but the blood thinners are suppose to take care of that too.

Sounds like all the bases are covered, right? Sounds like a slam dunk, right?

I bet I will get pregnant this month. I just won't bet money that it will stick.

---

As for school etc, I'm getting really excited. My schedule is all set, I'm down for 3 classes. We're also going on a mini vacation to Martha's Vineyard before classes start, I can't wait! We had so much fun there last year! My spirits are already up just knowing that I'll be done working soon, on the ferry to MV and then classes shortly after. Hurray!

Two Week Notice

I gave my two week notice this past Friday. My manager was on vacation, due back today so I didn't tell anyone until I talked to her.

It's weird because I should be really happy, but I guess I'm just scared for what the future holds.

All I know is that I can't be here anymore.

School

I registered for a couple classes yesterday. Biology 1 and Chemistry 1. I'm waiting to find out if I need to take classes like English composition or statistics so I might be registering for those as well. If I can work it right all my classes will be on Tuesdays and Thursdays, not that I could really laze around on Monday, Wednesday and Friday, I'd have to do some serious studying.

Either way I'm going to quit my job pretty soon. That will be amazing! If I don't take those other classes then I will look into getting some work or volunteering in a patient care setting to get some of the hours in that I need to apply to a physician assistant program.

By the way... I decided not to go for the full monty and go to medical school. Physician assistants are almost doctors and it takes a lot less time to get there.

In my head I'm thinking that if I do get pregnant sometime in the next school year (before I apply to a PA program) that I will still do the stay-at-home-mom thing. The local community college is pretty cheap for state residents so even after taking 2 semesters of classes it's not really that much money. Then if I had a baby I could do that for a bit and then apply the next year or reconsider the whole thing. I'm not going to count on any babies coming along though. It hasn't worked so far so there's no point in continuing to think baby plans will come through.

I'm excited and nervous about starting this new phase of my life. It will be strange to be at school and not working. I will miss some of the people I've worked with in the past and the familiarity of this place (after all I've been here for 8 years!) but it will be so good to wake up in the morning and not dread the coming day.

What would that even feel like?

The Good That Will Come

My doctor responded to my email:

Hi Shannon—

I was serious about what I said in the office. The road to medicine is best paved with meaningful life experiences—those are what make doctors more than just number/data crunchers. You’ve been through a lot, and your first-hand experiences would add something to your ability to care for patients that getting a 4.0 at RPI never could, and I think that admissions committees for medical schools know that. That’s not to say that you don’t have to work hard and master unbelievable amounts of material in order to get through medical school—but you take it one day at a time and just do it. It’s obviously not a decision to make on the spur of the moment, but none of the challenges of getting into and finishing medical school are insurmountable or there wouldn’t be any doctors. It’s also not all a bed of roses when you’re done—it’s a lifetime of hard work and demands, but many, many women do it and have families at the same time, so it’s possible, and it’s also a very rewarding career. I wouldn’t worry about the feeling faint around injuries—that’s common and basically you just get used to it.

Hang in there—the future holds good things for you.

---

Even though I sent that email to him saying I thought it wasn't a great idea I've still been playing around with it in my head. The comments I got helped too. :) I'm looking into my options and what I would need to do so we'll see where this leads me. (I need to sing the "Confidence" song from "The Sound of Music"!)

Last night when I was getting ready to go to sleep I was talking to my husband about all this stuff and a scene from a movie popped into my head. It's sort of a stretch to apply it to my situation but I thought it was interesting. It's from the movie "Under the Tuscan Sun" staring Diane Lane. Just for some background (bear with me, I'm going from memory) she's an author who finds out her husband has been cheating on her, she gets divorced and then friends put her on a bus tour of Tuscany, while she's there she buys a house and starts fixing it up. She meets this eccentric (English speaking) woman there and in one scene this crazy lady gives her some advice about meeting a man (since she hadn't been with anyone since her divorce). She said "when I was a little girl I use to run in the fields to try to catch ladybugs and I never could catch any so I would lie down in the grass and fall asleep. When I woke up I was covered in ladybugs." Of course the author woman had no idea what she was talking about so the crazy lady yells at her "just go write your book and forget about it!" (Forget about getting laid, that is.) So of course later she finds this hot Italian guy and they make passionate love and the author woman is glad she's still "got it". She finds the crazy lady in a piazza eating ice cream with a table full of nuns and says to her "lots and lots of ladybugs" then walks off with a big smile.

Applying that to me, I've been so focused on monthly cycles and tracking symptoms and I haven't had anything to focus on or put my energy toward aside from baby making (I use to be involved in lots of church stuff and diabetes fund-raising walks). Not that I think med school would be an easy distraction, but I feel like I've been putting a lot of stuff on hold waiting for a baby to pop out of me. My husband's always said I should work as if I would never go on maternity leave. Unfortunately (fortunately?) engineering doesn't seem the place for me to do that. I've been thinking for a while what else I could do and school was always an option but now I think I'm at a place where I can act like I have all the time in the world to pursue a new path. Not that I'm giving up on having a baby. But I can't stand still anymore or like Heather said in her comment "tread water". And if I do get pregnant and it sticks and a baby comes along 9 months later I can reevaluate at that time. But right now it's time for a fresh start.

Lots of people say "things happen for a reason" and I like to think about different crossroads in my life and how things could be so different if I hadn't made the choices I've made. So while I think it's great that I started working at my current job because otherwise I would never have met my husband, I might not have ever gone into engineering if it wasn't for my cheating high school boyfriend. So even though it sucked that he cheated and we broke up, down the line something good came of it. So like I said yesterday to my therapist maybe this is the good that will come of Isabella's death.

I think that would be an amazing tribute to her.

Options

Today was a crazy day. Very busy at work. Plans to go on two more business trips, one to Georgia this month and back to Seattle next month. My husband suggested as an anniversary present we go to the No Doubt concert in Boston next month so we bought our tickets for that. Things are shaping up to be pretty busy in the near future.

I had my first appointment with my therapist today in a long time. I feel like we barely skimmed the surface of everything that has been going on. I should make a list...

I'm crazy hormonal and my husband and I have been fighting a lot. Tiny little things are annoying the crap out of each of us and then blowing up into shouting matches. It just reaffirms for me that having a baby won't take away these last 2 years, won't erase all the pain, won't make things happily ever after.

My cycle is still all messed up. Sunday was my last day of taking the prometrium, so on cue I had bleeding yesterday and again today, not a lot and not bright red, but it's just more mess to the conundrum that is this cycle. I have no idea what day it is. I got a refill of clomid, but I don't know when to use it. My doctor is on vacation until Monday so I can't possibly get any answers or even educated guesses until then. There's nothing like trying to ask the "on-call doctor" what to do when they have barely looked at your chart and get impatient when you try to explain to them what's going on in your own body because obviously the 5 seconds they've spent on the phone with you makes them an expert on your case. Whatever.

But do I even want to try anymore? With all the fighting, all the disappointment, all the shouting, is it worth it?

My husband listed our 3 options during the hour long drive to the cat heart specialist on Tuesday:
1. Keep trying to have a baby.
2. Start the adoption process to have a baby.
3. Not have children at all.

I can't imagine #3, I'm not ready to even think about #2, and I don't know how much more I can take of #1. To think that I use to look forward to sex, that it was fun, exciting, spontaneous. Now it's just a scheduled chore. I'm disgusted with myself and what my relationship with my husband has become.

Is there an option 4?

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Oh, and tomorrow is 2 years for Isabella.
731 days.
17,544 hours.
1,052,640 minutes.
63,158,400 seconds.
I can only go forward, but to what? What can the future possibly hold?

Healing

I just sent out an email to 55 people asking for donations for the walk on Saturday. I can't believe I finally got the courage to do something, anything. I nearly had a heart attack clicking the send button.

Here is the email I sent:

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Subject: A New Fundraising Walk

As you may know, for the last seven years (2002-2008) I was an active participant and fundraiser for the American Diabetes Association’s Walk for Diabetes. I have decided to take a break from supporting the ADA so as to focus my efforts toward something closer to home. Don’t worry, I still look forward to a cure for diabetes as it affects my husband's and my life every day.

This Saturday I will be participating in a fundraising walk to raise money for support, resources and information packets for women and couples enduring the tragedy of pregnancy and early infant loss.

I am walking to remember my daughter Isabella, who died 2 years ago this week and for my son Sean, who died last year in April. Even though these two souls never took a breath or felt the sun on their faces, they are missed every day.

If you would like to contribute by cash or check made out to “Empty Arms Support Group”, it can be collected by the end of the day Friday, May 8th. Donations after this week are welcome too. Please let me know if you need my address to send a donation.

Thank you for your support,
Shannon

P.S. If you know someone in Berkshire county who needs support after the death of their baby, no matter how long it’s been, they can contact me for a support group meeting, or just to talk. 841-8063 or berkshire.empty.arms@gmail.com

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I feel like I have completely come out of the deadbabycloset now. No more living a double life, no more pretending or hiding.

Maybe this is the healing I really need.

When it Rains, It Pours

This is the worst week. It might not be so bad if it were only for one thing or another, but a few more are piled on each year. I took my cat to the vet today, Krista has a heart problem and now the outlook is getting worse for her. She has maybe a year, or two if she's lucky, to live. At least she is blissfully unaware of the misery to come. Which is better? Knowing that when she's only 3 years and 2 months old she will die sometime soon, or having a beautiful calico named Sasha and one morning when she's 3 years and 8 months old she drops dead on the kitchen floor. Neither are better, the question should be: Which is worse.

It’s Mother’s Day this weekend. Just 2 days after the 2 year anniversary of Isabella’s death. Not to mention that when I was still happily pregnant with her I was told by my f-i-l that I would not be allowed to celebrate Mother’s Day since I was not yet a mother. I had a baby growing inside me, but it didn’t matter. Every time I think of what he said my blood boils, what a slap in the face, it’s almost like he knew she would soon be dead and I would be torn to shreds. And he didn’t give a shit.

I’m going to Carol’s Mother’s Day walk on Saturday, it’s the only bright point of the whole week. As sad as it is to gather and remember our precious babies, it seems like the only way I can “celebrate” being a mother. I'm actually going to try to raise some money for it too, I have a donation promised already.

I went for my blood test yesterday. It was negative. My doctor is on vacation until the 11th, so I stopped taking the injections and prometrium. I could talk to the “on-call” doctor but any other time I’ve had to deal with someone other than my doctor it’s a lesson in futility and frustration. My own doctor is the only one who knows anything at all when it comes to my treatment, and he’s the only one who treats me nicely or respectfully.

I feel completely lost now. I don’t really know where I am in my cycle but it doesn’t matter, I’m in no mood to try. I don’t even know if I still want to have a baby. This is my Everest. I want to keep going because that’s all I’ve known for almost 3 years now, even if it kills me or tears apart my marriage. I feel so beaten down.

I got home early from my business trip, I’m glad that’s over. But getting home just brought all the getting pregnant issues back to the foreground. I just have bad luck, I’ve been pregnant 5 maybe 6 times, but these last few were the worst. I should never have gotten my hopes up, I should know better.

Or should I just give up?

Sleep in Seattle

All packed and ready to go. I'm excited for my trip, I have some fun stuff lined up for this weekend in Seattle.

I'm going to miss my hubby and kitties, but hey, I might actually get some sleep while I'm away since I won't be crowded and crawled all over in the night. :)

Now it's time for bed.

To Sleep

I have been sleeping like crap lately. I've been stressing out a bit about traveling for work, about some weird crap between my parents and of course - how this month will turn out. I'm so tired all day but here it is after 11pm and I'm no where near sleepy. I'm tired but my brain is on overdrive.

I'm lying in bed, typing on my tiny iPod keyboard with crazy Krista crawling all over me and my husband is asleep and breathing deeply, able to be refreshed in the morning.

I still haven't packed for my trip on Wednesday. I should have done some of that tonight. Then maybe I'd worry less and be able to fall asleep.

To sleep, perchance to dream....

Optimism

Ok, this is Post #100!

I had my meeting last night, I wasn’t expecting anyone to come because I’ve been scattered this past month and didn’t advertise at all. My therapist posted a couple fliers around the hospital and that was it. But one woman did show up. She had her loss about 15 years ago and wanted to find a group so she could lend support to other people going through the same thing. So that was really nice that she came. I told her that I’m planning on holding off on any more meetings until I get more interest, it will just take some time. I’m not sure how much I’ll get done in the next month because I’ll be traveling for work, but I’ll figure it out. Next week this time I’ll be flying into Seattle.

I got all kinds of awesome stuff from Carol yesterday, so I'm going to work on the sorely needed packet upgrade for the hospital in my area. I'm excited about it.

Regarding the "favorites" thing from my previous post, I wanted to elaborate a bit more. After we got back from vacation and on the cusp of renewed baby-making efforts, my husband said to me that he wasn't sure he still wanted to have a baby. He didn't say it in a way that caused me great alarm, but still. What the heck have we been doing for the past 2 years and 8 months! I asked why not and he said because I would love the baby more than him and that with "timed intercourse" he felt like all I needed him for is his sperm. And that he feels like I love our cats more than him. Unfortunately there's some truth to that because we rarely have sex just for the fun of it. And I do pay a lot of attention to the cats. I told him that he's my favorite person and I gave him a big hug and a raspberry on the neck to lighten the mood. (He said I'm his favorite person, too!) I said that I would still love him but I would also love a new baby just in a different way. As for the cats, well, I really love our cats. Especially Katie (don't tell Krista, although she has been more snuggly lately). I think it's because Sasha died and I want to make sure I get all the hugs and snuggles I can because the night before Sasha died we totally ignored her and it makes me really sad that I didn't hug her up as much as I could that last night she was alive. So that's the favorite person story with a little extra on the side. And really, who else do you marry if not your favorite person? (Hurray for Vermont and Iowa!)

I'm starting the new protocol today, I hope it will help things along as well as the HSG helps some too, so I feel like we're starting with a clean slate and I have a new optimism. It's been a long time since I've had that.