It's almost that day again

Tomorrow is September 30th. That was Isabella's due date last year. It's hard to imagine what she might have been like as a one year old. I still feel so empty inside.

We're still trying to have a baby. The only difference now is that I'm taking progesterone toward the end of every cycle, well, this cycle. I don't really have high hopes that I'll get pregnant this month after sort of being pregnant and not taking the clomid and oh yeah, my husband has been out of town on business for the last week and won't be home until Friday. So if I don't get pregnant, I should know around October 8th or 9th, then I'll go back on clomid, and then the progesterone. I'm tired of waiting.

I've never been a patient person.

Baby # 3

So I was pregnant again.

How many times am I going to have to say that?

I was pregnant.

I thought I started my period last Tuesday. But it was really light Tuesday and Wednesday, so when I woke up Thursday morning I decided to do a test. It was positive. I did another test that afternoon, positive again. I didn't want to risk a false positive, a bum test like in July. Friday morning another test, still positive. For those of you with experience with home pregnancy tests, I had a faint line each time. It was darker on Thursday morning than it was Thursday afternoon or Friday morning. Then Friday I went camping with some friends of mine from middle school and high school. I had heavier bleeding, same Saturday, and Sunday. Monday morning I did another test. I may have imagined it but I think I saw a very very very faint line. I can only imagine that I was pregnant, and I had one of those very early miscarriages, and now I'm not.

I'm not.

My husband is traveling again for work. He's going to be very busy for the next month, away a lot of the time. I guess this month is out.

I went back to work yesterday, I'm not doing what I use to be doing. I'm working with a guy I worked with when I first started for the company. It's nice to back with him. He's like an uncle to me. I feel like I can tell him why I was out for so long. He's understanding. Since I have a non-existent father, he's pretty close to that for me.

I don't know what to do with myself, I feel so helpless, so adrift. I went to an appointment with my therapist today. I feel so lost. I feel like the only thing that will make me happy is to be pregnant and have a baby. Is it wrong to wish for that? Is it wrong to hope for that? Is it wrong to think that would ever be possible? I want to scream at every woman I see with a baby and tell her how lucky she is that her baby is alive, her baby is there with her, not flushed down the toilet or in the trash on a maxi pad, not in a lab somewhere being tested for chromosomes. Not being sucked and scraped out of her uterus in pieces in a D&C.

What other torture do I have to go through?? What other misery must I endure?? Will my life ever be as it should be? Will I ever be happy again? All my hopes are gone, all my dreams are demolished...

Baby # 3, I would have loved you so much. I love you so much...

There really is a line there, it's just very faint... :(

A Wonderful Weekend

I didn't think it was possible, but I actually had one of the best vacations of my life this past weekend. We took off for Martha's Vineyard Thursday and stayed until Monday. Everyday we went to the beach, everyday the B&B served us delicious breakfasts, everyday was just so much fun.

It's a little depressing to be home. It's like it was all a dream, like it happened to someone else. I have to get back to reality, think about this whole job situation and do something with myself. Today was a resting day, I was exhausted from all our fun.

Here we are on top of the Edgartown Lighthouse:

On Dyke's Bridge on Chappaquiddick Island:

In front of the Edgartown Lighthouse before a tasty dinner out:

I didn't want to go home. We rented bikes and rode all over town, we had a pitcher of beer for lunch, wine and cheese at 4 at the B&B every day. Lobster rolls, clam chowder, lobster bisque, and a brie croquette to die for.

If you ever go to Martha's Vineyard, I highly recommend the B&B we stayed at, it was called the Jonathan Monroe House and it was absolutely adorable, and Chip, the owner was just the sweetest and most interesting host. He was the one cooking us gourmet breakfasts every morning, we also would get the tastiest muffins and fruit cup too. Everything on the island was perfect. I won't say anymore because I just want to savor it.

Box

So I've finally done it. I put all my memories in a box. I wanted to get a nice wooden one, maybe have Isabella and Sean's names carved on it, but since it's already taken me over a year since Isabella died to do it, this plastic box will have to do. One good thing about the plastic is that I can see inside it.

Inside you can see the bibs I bought for each of them and the big teddy bear is from a hotel that my husband and I stayed at in Arizona last year when I was still pregnant with Isabella. I have all my medical records, cards congratulating me for being pregnant last year and then the condolence cards. I have Share Newsletters, my folder of information my OBGYN hands out, U/S pictures, note cards that I wrote my questions for my OBGYN on, and other odds and ends that remind me of Isabella and Sean.

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It's been a while since I've last posted. I've been mostly just coasting along. I still haven't been working. I don't really want to go back to my old job. I don't want to start a new job. I've been enjoying this time to myself, to rest if I feel like it, and do small projects around the house. I feel like I'm done with the working and being an engineer phase of my life and that I should be moving on to the next phase. I should be a mom now. I've been waiting 2 years to have that job, I hope I don't have to wait much longer.