WHAT?!?!

This is just ridiculous:

So this is number 5.

On the way home from work my husband and I decided to stop and get a test as this is day 32. We decided to mix it up and try Clearblue and splurge for the digital after so many First Response tests and the dumb lines, is it there or not there, blah.

So, what the... I can't help but wonder how long this one will last. I refuse to get my hopes up. Although I do feel a little bad about the beer I had at dinner last night.

I suppose I should call my OBGYN tomorrow and see about a blood test. But I'm going to tell him not to congratulate me until he hands me a screaming baby.

Time will tell.

Worries

I made it to the meeting last night, the drive wasn’t so bad. I met Carol and another group starter from away for dinner and then we went to the hospital to set up for the meeting. I remembered one couple who was there from the Parent’s Panel back in November. I did a lot of listening and got some ideas for my meeting coming up in less than 2 weeks. It’s almost time to start freaking out about that. Considering I cried a fair amount during the meeting last night I’m worried that I won’t be able to get through my own introduction without crying my eyes out.

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On the way through the hospital we picked up some supplies which were in a closet near the birthing area of the hospital, Carol mentioned that was where she gave birth to her children, where “the shit hit the fan”. Carol and the other woman talked about the fear of going back to the room or ward where their babies died. I’ve never given birth so I don’t identify with that, but it made me think of my increasing anxiety about my OBGYN’s office. It really sucks too, because he is so nice, but it seems like I only get bad news at his office and it doesn’t help that he has a bitch nurse or whatever making phone calls. I’ve specifically told my doctor that I never want to hear from her again and that she shouldn’t be allowed to have contact with patients.

I have a yearly scheduled for the end of February. I don’t want to sit in the waiting room with pregnant women like I did the day I found out Sean was dead. I don’t want to deal with some of the snotty staff or somehow cross paths with the nurse from hell. I only know her name not her face so if I saw her I wouldn’t know it, but it’s likely she would know me. Would she know what I said to my doctor about her? My stomach is twisting in knots just thinking about stepping foot in there.

I so don’t want to go. Do I have to?

Weather Shmeather

Today I'm suppose to go to Carol's support group meeting, but it's an hour away and it's snowing and crappy out and I'm bummed out that I probably won't be able to go.

You know what, who cares. I learned to drive in the middle of February in Maine, I think I can handle it.

I could really use a support group meeting today. I'm not in a good mood, it's been a rough morning and it's only 9am!

Stay out of my way!

On This Day in History...

I get the New York Times headlines and other news stories emailed to me everyday. At the bottom of each "Today's Headlines" email is an "On This Day" blurb. Some are more obscure, some are a really big deal: the death of JFK, the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, the end of prohibition, the passage of the amendment allowing women to vote. This is today's:

On January 22, 1973, the Supreme Court handed down its Roe vs. Wade decision, which legalized abortion.

I hope this decision never gets overturned, because making it illegal won't stop abortions from happening. It's the women who will suffer. It's the women who will die from botched back alley abortions. Making abortion illegal won't save any lives.

I find it interesting that so many health issues that apply only to women are of such hot debate. Like issues of conscience at the pharmacy for distributing birth control pills or the morning after pill. Do any of these pharmacists object to viagra? I doubt it.

So today is a great day in history, it gives women the right to choose. It puts their health and futures in their hands. Not in the hands of politicians, not in the hands of strangers who call themselves "pro-life" yet murder doctors and bomb clinics.

Everyone has the right to choose. That's what I call freedom.

No Complaints

I had a pretty fun weekend. Our new TV arrived and we set that up. A friend visited Friday night for some wine and Star Wars Trivial Pursuit. Then Saturday we did some major cleaning. That's not super fun, but it was good that we got it done. The kitchen had a nest of dust bunnies multiplying by the dozen in the corner. And the floor needed some serious scrubbing after being tracked all over by delivery men and other workers. My husband is pretty kick ass because he was the one scrubbing the floor while I watched a movie on the new TV. :) Then Saturday night friends visited for dinner and then the four of us went to another friends' house and played fun games all night. The ladies rocked at Battle of the Sexes (2-0), and we also played Apples to Apples, my husband won, which is fitting since he was really excited about playing it again. We had a great time and have plans in the works for a couple more dinner and games nights in February.

Sunday we went to Mass and there it was in the bulletin, my announcement for my support group. I tried to send it in to the local newspaper by email, but seeing as I don't get the newspaper I'm not sure how I will find out if it actually gets printed. Lucky for me my therapist is posting fliers all over the hospital and potentially going to contact other folks they've seen in his group who have had losses so they'll know and maybe possibly will come.

I'm super worried that no one will show, that I'll be sitting in the community center in a circle of chairs all alone. I can see how just setting a meeting and getting the word out is a great accomplishment, but if no one shows up it would be sort of all for nothing. It makes me think of being pregnant, but not getting to take the baby home. Just another loss. Is that too extreme? But for now I'm going to shake off those worries and wait until the day comes to see what the result will be. There really isn't any point in getting worked up about it now.

So there it is, I'm trying to be more positive.

Monday after work I exercised, it's almost becoming a habit! I really cranked on the elliptical, I ended up with a blister on my palm from yanking the handles back and forth so hard.

Yesterday was a good day. Work was busy, I watched the inauguration, pretty cool, and had my therapy appointment after work. Lots of good stuff all around.

This weekend should be fun as well, my husband's college buddies (plus a wife) are visiting and we're going snow tubing. (A good thing about having company visit is that it forces us to clean our house. We are super lazy otherwise. But, hey, we both have full time jobs and the last thing I feel like doing when I get home is cleaning a toilet.)

Going to hit the elliptical in a bit, I'll go easier on the handle bars.

It's a wonderful Wednesday.

P.S. Two years ago Sunday I found out I was pregnant with Isabella. (1/18/07)

Giving Up

I changed my mind, I'm not going to bother with the progesterone. It just stresses me out because my cycle gets messed up, I have to do all kinds of testing to check if I'm pregnant or not so I'll know if I should keep taking it or stop. Plus it's just really really gross. Not to mention that this has been a rough month emotionally so we haven't really tried as much as we could have.

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I took a sort of inventory yesterday:

I've been thinking about the things that stress me out, mostly that I would rather be home taking care of a one and a half year old Isabella than be working here, but that's not going to happen. And yeah, being all stressed out and depressed doesn't help me get pregnant so I'm sort of shooting myself in the foot.

As far as work goes, it really could be a lot worse. I could have a different job, but that job could be a lot more demanding, I could have crappy inflexible hours, I could have a long commute, have to stand on my feet all day, work with a lot of jerks or have to deal with jerky customers, and not be able to go for a walk with my husband at lunch time (he works here too). So when I look at it that way it's not so bad being an engineer or working here. I do get every other Friday off and that seems to impress a lot of people. The money isn't bad either especially in this economy. I guess I could do a lot worse. And now that I'm starting a support group, at least I'll have somewhere to put my energy and get some satisfaction outside of work.

I just hope that when/if we go on a cruise/vacation I'm not having my period for the whole time again, that really sucked the fun out of it.

I guess I'm sort of trying to have a more positive attitude. I can't say a totally positive attitude because I think I would need a lobotomy for that. But I'll try to not be so grumpy anymore. I'm going to probably jinx myself for saying this but I'm right on the edge of just giving up. Maybe then everything will fall into place. And screw it, I hope I don't get pregnant before we go on our vacation because you know what, that would sort of be a drag a little more than having my period would be. Because I would be worried the whole time that I would just have another miscarriage.

Another.

I don't want to keep track of that anymore.

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In other news, I got the book suggested on semi-fertile's blog, it's really good. I made this comment to her post just now:

I've been reading Jon Cohen's book, it is really great. Thanks for posting about it. I just finished the chapter "Black Swan", which is a lot about what I have "antiphospholipid syndrome". I was bummed out that he didn't really have much advice on what to do with that. It's been really interesting to read and I'm looking forward to reading more tonight when I get home from work. Thanks again!

Check it out if you get a chance, I recommend it too!

(BTW, the book is called "Coming to Term: Uncovering the Truth About Miscarriage")

Update

I spoke to my OBGYN this afternoon to let him know how my appointment went, he seemed surprised that she didn't have a magic bag of tricks or any great advice for me. I'm going to do the progesterone this month just in case, but I'll have to re-evaluate for next month. I don't really want to take a "break". Also my husband is in the throes of planning our next vacation, he's cruise crazy and thinks it's just as well if I'm not pregnant so I can eat and drink whatever I want. I would rather be pregnant and give birth to a healthy baby than ever drink wine or eat sushi again.

I mean it.

Appointment

The appointment this morning was sort of a wash, we didn't really learn anything new. The reproductive endocrinologist basically said to take a break for a few months, to have sex for fun, don't use OPK's or HPT's and maybe even use protection so as to not have to worry about it at all.

Yeah right.

As for what I have been doing, she thinks it's pointless to take clomid and not do something like IUI as well, so I shouldn't bother taking clomid in the future although she thinks the progesterone is a good thing in case I do have a short luteal phase so taking it should help.

Basically it all came down to me having a lot of bad luck. She doesn't think things are hopeless, which is sort of reassuring, but doesn't really do me much good either. She also said that I should do the dye test even though my OBGYN ruled it out because I've been getting pregnant so how could I have a blockage? And she did an ultrasound to check out the insides and thinks because of the lining of my uterus that I have ovulated this month even though the OPK's say no. Good thing I shaved my legs recently.

Oh, and our insurance through work gets away with not covering fertility treatments because it's a national company, not a MA based company which would have to cover it because of the state mandate on covering 3 or so rounds of IVF etc. So lots of great news all around. <-- sarcasm

I need a different life, I'm tired of mine.

No Turning Back Now

Wow....

Just Like That

I called the priest at my new parish today. I told him about my losses and that I haven't been going to Mass and that I don't know what the point of it is anymore since I've prayed my butt off only to be disappointed time and again. He was very understanding and comforting. None of the "God's will" stuff that I've come to dread hearing ever again. I mentioned that there was no support group in the area for pregnancy loss and that I was thinking of starting one. He immediately said what a great idea that would be and offered up the parish center for a meeting place. How amazing! I didn't even have to ask. So many emotions flooded my senses, relief and joy and sheer anxiety over how I will ever pull this off.

The dead baby closet door is opening and I've stuck a toe out.

I'm still pretty angry with God, though, but it was nice talking to my priest and him being compassionate, so I think I will go to church this weekend. He is really a sweet heart, which is why we decided to join that parish. I'm glad I called.

He suggested having my first meeting mid-February to give it time in the bulletin for people to find out about it. I better get to work.

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Tomorrow I get to sleep in, if the cats will let me.

Time Slipping By

I have an appointment next week to see a specialist. I wish it was sooner. I really hate the passage of time, I feel like life is slipping by me.

I talked to wonderful Carol on the phone last night. Even though I cried for most of the conversation it was really nice to listen to what she had to say and how different it is from what others say to me.

Originally we were going to talk about what I would need to do to start a group in my "middle of no where" city. And we did a little, but mostly we caught up on all the awfulness that has been going on. It was nice to be validated and not argued with. (Thanks again, Carol, it meant a lot to me!)

It feels like a bit of an overwhelming undertaking, but I need to do something with myself. I don’t know if it’s just that it’s crappy winter, the general downtrodden-ness of my life lately, hating my job, having no causes since the American Diabetes Association pulled out of our area and my church closed in July and I did so much for both. Not to mention that I really truly don’t have any friends. I have a couple people, but we don’t talk that often and they live far away. And one of them told me outright that I’m a super big bummer. I don’t really have anyone local. I know I need to work on that. I’ve just been living my hermit life with my husband and 2 cats for so long I’ve forgotten how to be social. But really I just need something to distract me from my reproductive woes. I’m tired of being sad all the time, I’m tired of crying. I can’t even remember what I was like before ALL THIS happened. I can’t remember what life was like, back then. That’s how long this has been going on. 876 days to be exact, since we first started trying to get pregnant.

So maybe if I started a group I could find people who understand me, who’ve been in the same place I’ve been. Maybe I could make some new friends that live closer than an hour away. Because were I live, it’s an hour to anything.

With time slipping by so fast an hour is precious.

What's Next?

Nothing really to report. Just biding my time I guess. I should (hopefully) hear from my OBGYN on Monday and find out what to do next. My husband and I have taken a logical approach to our situation. It seems that I can get pregnant just fine since I've done it 4 times in the last 2 years (that we know of) so it wouldn't make sense really to try IUI or IVF since that is just a fancy way of getting pregnant. What I need is to stay pregnant. I thought the progesterone suppositories were suppose to help with that. But after this last loss I'm not too confident about it anymore. So I guess I just wait to hear from my doctor and see if we'll get an appointment with a fertility specialist.

I'm not going to bother with clomid this month or the progesterone.

I need a break.

Happy New Year

How great it is to be drinking wine and champagne on New Year's Eve instead of being pregnant.

Yeah, right.