Getting on with Life

My soon-to-be-ex-husband has been weird.  A week ago Sunday he sent me a big long email basically asking if I left him for another man because I don't seem too upset about everything so obviously I must have found solace with someone else.  The whole thing is hard of course but since it's what I want and not what he wants then wouldn't it make sense that I wouldn't be having as hard a time as he is?  Frankly I'm a lot happier now, it's been such a relief to not have to deal with his family especially with Father's Day and his mom's birthday this past weekend.  But the weird thing is after I moved my cats to my new place he apparently emailed my mom and my sister about stuff and mentioned about the cats to them.  I think it's creepy that he's emailing them.  Maybe he wants to have some sort of connection with me still or he maybe he just can't talk to his family about it since he's probably now an outcast for being on the divorce track.  I'm pretty sure he went to visit his family this past weekend (for Father's Day and his mom's bday) but when I asked him about it because I wanted to stop by the house he was shifty about saying where he'd be.  He doesn't want me in the house when he's not there but I finally convinced him to stop being so weird and let me have access to my shit!  So I told him I was going to get some clothes and he texts me Monday that when I said clothes I must have meant the camping stuff since I took that.  A while back he said he didn't care about that stuff so I figured I'd take it while I was there and I'm going camping for my friend's wedding at the end of July since I can't really afford to stay in a hotel for 2-3 nights.  Ugg!  I really need to get the paper work going so we can get this over with.  I've sort of been dragging my feet because I've been working a lot and then the rest of the time I'm out having fun and enjoying summer and don't want to deal with dreary divorce crap.  I'll have to work on it tomorrow.  Is it totally horrible that I just want to get on with my life?  I feel bad for him, but it really isn't like this came out of the blue.  I think in March/April when I didn't get pregnant again and had a really weird short cycle things just snapped for me and I decided I didn't want to try anymore.  Then it was like why am I still with him because that was really all we had in common at that point.  What kind of marriage is it when you only have sex to conceive and it's more of a chore than anything else.  I was no longer attracted to him either and with his family and religious stuff, it was hanging by a thread for a while.  I don't know how to explain it to people, no one questions you when you say you're getting married but you get the 3rd degree when you say you're getting divorced.  Have you ever heard someone say: "Why are you getting married???  Why not just stay the way things are??"

Divorce

This is it.

Between stuff with my husband, his family, the Catholic church, miscarriages, I just can't go on. I feel like I haven't been really happy for a while and all this time I thought it was because of dead babies or because of my old job. Maybe it was my husband all this time. My husband, his family and the church are a package deal. I can't have just him and even if I could would I want him anymore? The decision is made.

Now I must disentangle myself.

Tattoo

I got this tattoo in time for Isabella's 4 year anniversary.

The forget-me-nots seemed to be the right way to go.

This Misery Needs to End

Things didn't work out with the clomid. My period started really early too so the whole month was a mess. It crystallized some things for me and I'm making some tough decisions. I haven't been happy for a long time. I quit my engineering job, I went back to school, I applied for PA school, I became an EMT. But the whole while I still wasn't happy because I couldn't have a baby. My body wouldn't cooperate. I'm realizing now that for the last year or more I haven't even wanted to have a baby anymore. I just want to prove I can. So I can say with full confidence now I have given up. I no longer want to become pregnant because I have no hope left it would ever work out.

Another big decision is I won't be going back to church. I use to go every Sunday but stopped last year when Samantha died. I haven't been since. I already knew I wouldn't but I hadn't really stated it to my husband.

We had a talk last night. No more getting pregnant, no more church.

I feel like there should be no more us. I don't feel like I love him anymore. I haven't been in love with him for a while. We'd only have sex because we were going through the motions of trying to get pregnant. There was no intimacy. It's like we're room mates sharing a bed.

Maybe the happiness I've been searching for these last 2 years doesn't include him anymore. Maybe it's time to move on.

This misery needs to end.

It's the Not Knowing

No new info from the hysteroscopy. No big surprise. I feel like an idiot to have even bothered.

Back in February/March when I was pregnant with Samantha I became friends with another woman in my microbiology class. We got to talking and kids came up so I told her about my troubles and how I was currently pregnant. She told me she was also pregnant and had had a couple miscarriages herself. She is now 41 weeks pregnant and will be induced on Thursday if she doesn't go into labor on her own. I'm happy for her but it makes me feel sick inside that it works out for everyone else. Am I fooling myself into thinking it will one day work out for me? I must be or I would stop trying.

My doctor basically said to me that I just need to get past the 8-9 week mark and I will probably be ok. That seems to be my stumbling block. I'm feeling so overwhelmed right now with so many things I don't even know where to start.

I wish I could see the future. Even if I could know I would have a few more miscarriages before having a healthy pregnancy and live baby I would keep marching. It's the not knowing that is killing me.

Getting Poked and Prodded

So it did end up being full fledged and I scheduled the next step in this ongoing battle. I'm having a hysteroscopy performed tomorrow. I'm sure it won't be much worse than the HSG I had done last year. I'm a little nervous about it, but I think mostly because I'll be the one with my legs in the air. I never actually got to see one performed while I worked in the office although I saw a lot of other crazy stuff. I think this really is the last thing we can do so find out what is going on inside my utesaurus (as wifey calls it).

And I do think I was pregnant again. I've done it so many times I don't need a test to tell me anymore.

If a Tree Falls in the Woods...

Hmm... so my period is late. I refuse to test. But now I have a little spotting. I don't know if it will turn full fledged but I am usually pretty regular so a 35 day cycle is suspicious. So if you don't test are you really pregnant? If you don't know you were pregnant, are you really having a miscarriage? I feel like I don't even want to know anymore. I don't want to chance getting my hopes up and it seems the only way to ensure I won't is to not find out for sure.

But does that really mean anything at all?

Something to Read

This article gives me a little hope.

Send it to Pathology

Last night when I posted that I also emailed my doctor. Since he was in the process of writing back to my previous email he responded to both. He told me if I wanted I could bring the tissue into the office to be sent to pathology. I did that this morning. I'm also looking into possibly having a hysteroscopy.

He also told me he was sorry for what the other doctor told me back in August regarding sending stuff to pathology. She said "meat doesn't keep well at 98.6°" and that he said that he wished he "could be available all the time to handle things as they come in to the office to avoid problems like this". I'm glad I have him for my doctor. So the nurse said I should have results in 3 to 5 days, but I think she's being overly optimistic. I'll keep you posted when I hear anything.

I just think it's so weird that it's been over 2 months since the miscarriage and I'm still physically dealing with it. Maybe I should have done the D&C and just been done with it. Then I wouldn't have had to hear crappy comments from the on call doctor about meat.

When I stopped in to say thank you to the office and bring the cookies last week I got to talk to my doctor for a few minutes and he mentioned an article in the New England Journal of Medicine about recurrent miscarriage. It didn't really tell me anything new but it was interesting. Hmmm, I think I added it as a google doc so you should be able to access it with this link.

Miscarriage - The Gift that Keeps on Giving

My period started last Monday, but today I had some pretty severe cramps and then just now I wiped and found a large chunk of tissue, approx 1" by 1/2". It was pretty solid and had some texture to it. I don't know if it's byproduct of my last miscarriage, but I would guess so. Awesome.

I think it was placenta.

Eat, Drink and Be Merry

Yet another whirlwind month has pasted. It's good and bad. Here are the updates:

School:

I'm only taking two classes this semester so it's pretty easy after a summer of organic chemistry - pure misery. I'm taking biochemistry at a nearby 4 year college and anatomy & physiology 2 at the community college in my town where I've taken most of my other classes. I've had two tests so far in A&P2 and I've gotten a 96 and a 98, so I'd say I'm doing pretty well. It's harder to say about biochemistry since we only had our first test this past week and I haven't gotten my grade yet. I've found with taking classes at multiple college settings that it varies greatly in how they test or prepare you for those tests. I studied my butt off on the amino acid structures and abbreviations but not as much on other things so there were a few questions that I had absolutely no clue on. Bummer. We'll find out on Tuesday how I did.

Patient Contact Hours:

I have been working at my local OBGYN office because my own doctor got me in after suggesting I go back to school to be a doctor. I decided on taking the PA route and he helped get me in at his office to rack up some hours required for PA programs. I went in yesterday to hand out some thank-you notes and a couple dozen fresh baked cookies to thank them for their time and allowing me to work there. I got to chat with my doctor a bit as well. It's been a while since I've been in the office. I haven't worked since the beginning of September. Right after Labor day I came down with a bit of a cold and school had started and then the following week the NP I worked with went on vacation for 3 weeks. So I didn't go in so I could focus on school and have some time for myself to decompress after ochem. Then the week she was back my hubby and I went on vacation. While she was away I decided that I've learned all I can from the office and should find a new situation since OBGYN is such a narrow part of the medical field. So....

EMT status:

I passed my practical exam in August but only found out a month later. I've heard that other people in my class have already passed the written exam, the final step between me and an EMT certification. Yet again I dragged my feet a bit and then with our vacation I put it off some more. I have scheduled my exam for November 6th. Wish me luck.

Vacation:

My hubby and I went to Martha's Vineyard for an amazing vacation 2 years ago and met a wonderful mother and daughter traveling together. We've kept in touch with Christmas cards and Facebook and we were invited to the daughter's wedding on October 16th in Santa Barbara, CA. We waffled on whether or not to go for a while but decided it was the best excuse to go to California and when else might we see these wonderful people we spent so much time with on a long weekend 2 years ago. It was amazing. We decided to fly out a week early to have our own vacation, then hit the wedding and fly home the next day. We drove from LAX up the coast over 2 days then spent 4 nights in Napa. Ahhh.... it was heaven. Every day we tasted wine, every day we had beautiful weather, every day was amazing. Then on Thursday we drove to Yosemite, it was crazy beautiful! We only spent the day so we could get up early on Friday and drive to Santa Barbara. I assume since we were coming from such a distance that was the reason why we were invited to the rehearsal dinner on Friday. It was so great to see our old friends and since the daughter getting married is of the personality that just draws you in, all her friends and family were equally welcoming and friendly. After that night it was like we were all friends for years. The wedding was so elegant to the point of being extravagant. Absolutely beautiful. We couldn't have wished for a better vacation. It was almost sad to head home.

At a vineyard in Sonoma

At Yosemite

Catching up with old friends at the rehearsal dinner:

And now back to reality, Reproductive status:

Back on August 13th I took misoprostol to induce miscarriage. Everything passed by the next morning, I had a day or two of bleeding and then nothing for a couple days and then it started up again for about 2 weeks. A week or so went by and I started bleeding again - for 3 weeks. I was glad it at least stopped for our vacation. The week before last I was feeling crampy again and finally this past Monday I started bleeding again, but unlike the light bleeding I had before this was a torrent. It seemed almost more than a regular period, but better than the trickle I had before. I can't imagine this could keep up for 3 weeks. I briefly spoke to my doctor about next steps. He mentioned an article in this week's New England Journal of Medicine about recurrent miscarriage and how he thought about me while reading it. He mentioned an hysteroscopy. I asked about the hot flashes I've had all week. I didn't get to talk to him for long so I later sent him an email asking about my next steps. My buddy Margaret suggested that I do everything at once. Clomid, progesterone, lovenox, baby aspirin. Even though I've tested negative twice this year for antiphospholipid antibody syndrome, it's possible that my levels went up after they tested me at the end of July when I first found out the last time I was pregnant. I asked my doctor about all this and mentioned how my last RE seems to have exhausted all his options with me. I've mentioned before - my local OBGYN is notoriously slow responding to email. I'd rather that medium over a voicemail and phone call back any day though. Regardless, I don't want to actively try this month. My hubby and I have decided to go to his family's for Thanksgiving this year and after two losses this year I feel especially negative toward them even though they have no clue I was even pregnant. It's completely irrational but with every loss it just brings back the hurt they inflicted after I lost Isabella, even though they apologized and haven't said anything hurtful since it lingers. I can't forget. I don't think I can forgive. So in my short conversation with my OBGYN I mentioned that I will be drinking heavily over Thanksgiving just to get through being around his family. :P So I'm waiting to hear what he has to say. Maybe we'll try next month. I don't know. The odds look worse and worse for me. And this article about recurrent miscarriage doesn't instill me with any hope. From the little I could read online without subscribing, the woman in the study had had a live birth before she had multiple miscarriages. That's not my case at all. I want to hear about someone who had 15 miscarriages at varying gestations and then went on to have a live birth. That would give me some hope. Does anyone have a story like that? Please let me know. I don't want to be the woman who never was able. Who kept futilely trying. I want to know when will it be my turn, not if.

Until then I will eat and drink and try to be merry. At least my hubby cooks me good food.

Pain

When I passed everything on Saturday morning I thought that was it but Monday night into Tuesday I started bleeding again. It's been nonstop and very painful. I took some vicodin yesterday and I guess that helped with the cramps but it made me so loopy all I could do was lay in bed all day.

I wish I could just be sad and miserable but I'm also in severe pain.

I just want this all to end.

Baby #10

I've cried so many tears

I've wasted all these years
I never thought my life would be like this

I Don't Think I Will

We didn't do much this weekend except eat. I think my husband thinks eating yummy food will cheer me up. I just feel bloated now.

I was friends with someone on FB and now I'm not, they "unfriended" me. They started going on about how I should just adopt like it's so easy and money grows on trees and it will solve all my problems.

I thought it was rude of them to tell me what I should do next like I shouldn't bother to grieve this loss first. I don't want to think about adoption now. My husband and I discussed it briefly and it's not likely to happen while I'm not working since we don't have the money for it. So that's about 4 years away. I'll be 36. I might as well forget about having kids.

If we tried again I'm sure we'd have the same outcome. At some point enough is enough. Is 10 enough?

I haven't gotten out of bed yet. I don't think I will.

The Little One We Lost

My husband dragged me out to the farmers' market and store to get food today. When we got home I collapsed and took a nap but I'm feeling a lot better now. I haven't had much bleeding at all since this morning.

We're going to open a bottle of red and toast to the little one we lost.

The Worst is Over

I woke up a bit ago and went to the bathroom. A huge clot came out. It was about 2.5" in diameter. I nearly passed out on the toilet but I managed to get back to bed to lie down. I feel miserable. My husband is making me some toast.

I think the worst is over. I can't imagine there's much left to come out.

No Heartbeat

So that's it. Ultrasound sucked. Went to OBGYN's office, got Rx for misoprostol. I don't want to do another D&C.

I think 10 is enough. Maybe I should have a hysterectomy.

What To Do

Back from the hematologist again. Results say I don't have APS. What the hell?

Negative for lupus anticoagulant.
Negative for anti nuclear antibody.
Negative for factor 5 leiden.
Negative for anticardiolipin antibody.

But I am positive for one copy of the C677T mutation and one copy of the A1298C mutation for MTHFR.

He said, based on these results, I don't need to take low dose aspirin, and I don't need lovenox. But that I do need 4-5 mg of folic acid because of the MTHFR (I think, sometimes it's hard to keep it all straight and my hubby didn't come with me to help me listen and remember everything).

I sent an email to my OBGYN to let him know and see what he thought of the whole thing.

Regarding the fertility clinic, the only interesting and slightly new information I got was about "intralipid". I haven't found out much about it online so I asked my OBGYN about that too. My hematologist thought that might be a good idea. He thought I should check with my OBGYN before changing anything I'm doing as well. Hopefully he'll email me back soon, or maybe I'll see him in the office on Friday.

This is all so weird. Why does pregnancy have to be so mysterious? Why was Isabella so small for 19 weeks if not for APS? Obviously the aspirin and lovenox hasn't helped any and Sean and Samantha as well as Isabella all had normal chromosomes so what went wrong?

I don't understand.

I don't know what to do.

Stressed Out

I just got back from seeing my hematologist. He had me get blood work done: 15 vials! He wants to "make sure" I have APS so we can go from there. Basically he wanted to start over again and get all new tests done. That's fine with me. (He's actually a different doctor than I saw 2 years ago when I was pregnant with Sean. My very cool teacher at my local community college recommended him to me.)

I have an appointment with a fertility group next Friday. Even though they have IVF in their name they supposedly deal with recurrent miscarriage as well. The hematologist basically said if my problem really is my blood stuff then there's no reason for me to see an RE or anyone else. I guess we'll see what the results are but it won't be in time to cancel my appointment with the fertility folks so I'll just go, even though it's 2.5 hours away and a pain in the ass because who wants to be anywhere near Boston on a Friday afternoon.

Needless to say I cried a bunch in the doctor's office. It's not like I can't talk with a straight face about all this shit, I'm in rare form lately. I'm so stressed out right now. Damn you, o-chem! I feel like I'm perpetually in a state of anxiety. The tears are always right at the surface. Amazingly my blood pressure was 106/54. Pretty low considering how jacked up I feel.

I don't think we're going to "try" this month. My husband is leaving again for business a couple nights this week and then made plans to visit a friend on Friday night. It doesn't matter I guess. I think I actually study more when he's here but it shouldn't matter if he's not. I just miss having him around. He's my part time husband. :(

I feel so sad and lost. I don't think the reason is very clear cut which makes it even harder to deal with. I just wish it would go away.

for IFD & SED & SED

It's been a while. I've been insanely busy. I haven't really posted anything in almost a month. I finished up my last week of classes, then had a couple finals and ended up with a 4.0 for the semester. I barely squeaked my A in chemistry, if we hadn't had that take home test I'm sure I wouldn't have gotten an A.

Immediately the following week, May 25th, my summer class started. It's been non-stop organic chemistry since. I got a 75 on the first test (we have one every week!). On the one hand it's only a 6 week session, but on the other hand IT'S ONLY A 6 WEEK SESSION!! I'm not sure if having all the time a normal semester allows would help. This is hard.

I finally had my period, almost 6 weeks exactly after my D&C. It was pretty normal as periods go but it was coupled with starting my summer class and a 95° day. I felt like crap all day (partially from driving an hour to a different school and nervousness of finding my class and partially from the crazy heat and lack of AC at the school and especially in the lab) and also felt like I might pass out or throw up. I wondered if I was pregnant again and having another chemical pregnancy/miscarriage. There's no way to tell at this point but I was also an emotional wreck most of that week which I'm not normally during my period. But there were other contributing factors. I'm freaking out about this summer class! I feel like I'm in a constant state of anxiety attack. I'm really disappointed in the 75 but I went to a study session this morning and the prof who runs it said that I'm doing great with a 75 and as long as I stay around or above 50 I'll be fine. WHAT?!?! That is just ridiculous to me! But I'll take it, I guess. I don't want to not get an A and if a 75 translates to an A in o-chem then sign me up!

---

In other news, 2 years ago I had a ring made. (I got the idea from Carol.) Originally it was going to have 2 stones, one for Isabella and one for Sean. Emerald and diamond for May and April. Some of the different designs I saw didn't look that great so I went with a three stone ring, emerald in the center and 2 diamonds - one on each side. I had "for IFD & SED" engraved inside the band. And now here I am with another April baby, Samantha. Her diamond already set in the ring. It's an unhappy coincident that my ring had a place waiting just for her. I got my ring back from the jeweler today, it now says "for IFD & SED & SED". The three babies I barely got to know before they were taken away from me.


I hope that since all the stones are spoken for I will have no more need for any extra memorials.