lost

I feel so alone right now. I wish I had someone here to hold my hand but then at the same time I just want to be alone.

Actually, what I want is to feel like someone cares. I suppose on some level I know people do. I just feel miserable right now and I want it to all go away.

I hate the holidays. I hate my life. I hate feeling this way.

I feel so lost.

Resilience

"Resilience is accepting your new reality, even if it's less good than the one you had before. You can fight it, you can do nothing but scream about what you've lost, or you can accept that and try to put together something that's good."

- Elizabeth Edwards

She passed away today and a friend posted this quote as their FB status. I thought it was pretty poignant considering my current state of mind.

I'm so tired of accepting this reality. Actually I don't think I can even say that I've accepted it. Maybe that's why I'm so tired. I've been fighting it this whole time and it's been winning. I'm truly beaten down.

I'm no good to anyone like this.

I feel like I just got kicked in the gut.

It's the Not Knowing

No new info from the hysteroscopy. No big surprise. I feel like an idiot to have even bothered.

Back in February/March when I was pregnant with Samantha I became friends with another woman in my microbiology class. We got to talking and kids came up so I told her about my troubles and how I was currently pregnant. She told me she was also pregnant and had had a couple miscarriages herself. She is now 41 weeks pregnant and will be induced on Thursday if she doesn't go into labor on her own. I'm happy for her but it makes me feel sick inside that it works out for everyone else. Am I fooling myself into thinking it will one day work out for me? I must be or I would stop trying.

My doctor basically said to me that I just need to get past the 8-9 week mark and I will probably be ok. That seems to be my stumbling block. I'm feeling so overwhelmed right now with so many things I don't even know where to start.

I wish I could see the future. Even if I could know I would have a few more miscarriages before having a healthy pregnancy and live baby I would keep marching. It's the not knowing that is killing me.

Getting Poked and Prodded

So it did end up being full fledged and I scheduled the next step in this ongoing battle. I'm having a hysteroscopy performed tomorrow. I'm sure it won't be much worse than the HSG I had done last year. I'm a little nervous about it, but I think mostly because I'll be the one with my legs in the air. I never actually got to see one performed while I worked in the office although I saw a lot of other crazy stuff. I think this really is the last thing we can do so find out what is going on inside my utesaurus (as wifey calls it).

And I do think I was pregnant again. I've done it so many times I don't need a test to tell me anymore.