Wonderings

I know, it's shocking to hear from me after only one week! :)

The first week of school was great, so far I'm enjoying my classes. I just need to keep on top of things and I'll be ok. I have a few new instructors this semester and so far they're pretty cool. I do miss my bio 2 instructor from last semester, she was super cool. I'll have to make a point of stopping by her office once in a while to catch up and say hi.
It's weird to feel so happy about school, but I'm also slightly overwhelmed with the undertaking and I feel bad about my husband's stress for being the sole provider, but also sad about our prospects for a family. I feel like the ship has sailed on that part of our lives.

I like to read the comic "Zits", for those of you who don't read it, it's about a teenage boy and his parents. Today's Sunday comic was really cute and actually made me tear up a bit. It's sad to me because I feel like I'll never have that. The adorable little boy or the surly teenager.

(I had to insert the actual comic because the link no longer works....)


I think a big part of why I haven't posted at all in the last few months it that thinking about these things makes me sad. It's hard to be sad and happy at the same time. I feel guilty when I'm happy and then disappointed in the course of my life when I'm sad. (But then also grateful that I'm not still stuck in a job I hate.) I don't want to forget about my babies but I don't want them to be an iron weight I must constantly bear.

I wondered the other day when the day will come that people stop asking us when we're going to have kids. Has it already come?

I'm wondering now if writing a blog about sad things really is so cathartic after a certain point. Is there an end to the tears that could be shed over these losses?

Wait and See

Wow, so it's been more than a few days for this update. Sorry about that.

I thought that after school got done and after Christmas I would have some time to write a big update but then I got busy working and doing everything else that I've been too busy during school to deal with.

So here I am now, the day before classes start again.

First off, I got a 4.0 for the fall semester! I'm very happy about that. I only took 3 classes, so hopefully taking 4 this semester won't cause my GPA to suffer.

I took a training course at the library to get certified to tutor people in English. I've always been something of a grammar freak so it's lots of fun in that respect. I've been tutoring a woman from El Salvador, she's lived here for a long time so she speaks pretty well so we're working on reading. If you have any children's books to recommend, let me know. We started on "The Trumpet of the Swan" by E.B.White, one of my childhood favorites, and she's doing pretty well reading that.

Back in November I started working at my doctor's office. Since he was the one to really give me the big push to start a new career I was happy to have an "in" with him at the office because I need to get "patient contact hours" to even apply to a PA program. It might seem strange for me to work there when I've had such bad experiences at the hands of that office (and particularly from one employee) but it's really not that weird at all. I don't mind random people who are pregnant. I don't have to see them everyday and listen to their pregnancy stories and feel like they're rubbing it in my face like some people I do know who are or have been pregnant since this whole mess started 3 years ago. (I found out on January 16, 2007 that I was pregnant for the first time.)

I have been enjoying school a lot and when people ask me if I miss my old job I can't help having a big smile on my face when I say "Not one bit!" I do miss the folks I use to work with and we occasionally get together for lunch. My husband still works there so I went to the annual holiday party with him and got to catch up with old friends.

I feel like a lot has happened since September, but it's probably just the craziness of school and work and holidays.

Interestingly enough I haven't been pregnant since September. We haven't really been trying that hard and I feel like we've pretty much given up and I've put away all my pregnancy charting stuff. I don't do ovulation tests or have pregnancy tests on hand anymore. I don't mark a calendar about mucus or cramps or twinges. It's weird to think now about getting pregnant and what that might mean if it actually worked out. I'm not really sure anymore.

I guess I'll just have to wait and see.