It’s been a while. I’ve been pretty bummed out lately and haven’t felt like writing about it on my blog. I’ve also considered taking my blog down and leaving the world of dead baby blogging. It’s still something I’m considering.
Last Friday I noticed a post a friend of mine had made on Facebook saying something about maternity/newborn photo shoots. I gathered that she is pregnant. For those of you who’ve read my blog for a while, she’s the one who was maid of honor at my wedding (almost 5 years ago), but then asked me NOT to be in hers. She’s the one who told me last July that I was too much of a bummer to be friends with and more or less pushed me over the edge into full out depression and 2 months of not working, taking antidepressants and all that unpleasantness. On Saturday morning she called me and left a voice mail confirming that she is indeed pregnant. Parts of the message were garbled but she might have said something about this news being difficult for me. (No shit.) My husband and I were getting ready to go to a party across the state so I didn’t call her back. I know I shouldn’t have let it, but it ruined my whole day. Not one part of me feels happy for her. Mostly I just never want to hear from her again. It seems to me to be exponentially unfair how easy it is for other people. I don’t want suggestions on how I can make myself happy for her or delude myself in any way, but how can I keep myself from being consumed by it? Everywhere I go there are pregnant women, huge bellies, couples with small children, and then there are the comments they make because they have no clue what we’ve been through. At the party a couple we’ve met once before were departing because their kids were getting tired and she said to me “it sucks having kids”. I wanted to slap her and shake her and tell her what really sucks. I’m just filled with a lot of anger. I’m jealous, I’m bitter, I’m at a loss for words to even describe the depths of my misery.
I’m sure that starting my period on Friday didn’t help the whole situation. Not that it wasn’t unexpected, but this is the first normal period since the beginning of April. At least I feel like we have a chance this month. No matter how much I try and what I actually voice I still can’t help but think that it will happen this month. That I will get pregnant and it will stick and then in 9 months I’ll have a healthy baby. I suppose if I didn’t think that then I would have already given up.
At the beginning of May I had an MRI done of my uterus. Because the HSG was inconclusive an MRI was the only way to really see what things look like in there. My doctor called with the results and said that there is basically nothing wrong with my uterus that would cause me pregnancy problems. It was one of those situations when you actually want to hear that something is wrong with your body. I actually hoped that I would need surgery to fix some sort of malady. Instead there are no answers. Just bad luck.
While my husband and I drove home from the party this weekend we had a long talk during the 2.5 hour car ride. Generally speaking my husband has just been going along for the ride <-- ha ha. All the tests are done to me (although he’s nice and comes with me), I make all the phone calls to the doctor’s office and deal with the crappy office staff. He doesn’t question much, but this time he had a lot to say on our baby making mission. He said he wanted to see a specialist, he wanted a doctor to guide us rather than us (me) suggesting a course of action and having my doctor go along with it. I had asked my doctor if I could email him in an effort to avoid some of his office staff so we drafted an email to him to ask him all these things. We mentioned about our trek back in January to an RE an hour away who had nothing for us unless we wanted to do IUI or IVF. We didn’t want to have the same outcome. He’s currently working on getting us an appointment out in Boston. After his last response I’m beginning to worry that it won’t be any different than our January appointment only it will be further away and even less convenient. He said that he can’t guarantee that we won’t have the same experience with another RE. While I can understand that it makes me wonder what the point is. So I asked him. I asked him if there was anything that could be done for us. I asked what he would do if he were in our situation. Now I wait.
When I talked to my husband about my doctor’s email and how we should respond to it and because it sounded so discouraging my husband said “maybe we should just adopt”. He mentioned a long time ago that there was a file cabinet in his office where people leave random paper backs and other books available for people to borrow or keep. There was a book about adoption there. He said to me it felt like a sign to him that it was there in his office where he would walk by it several times a day. So I asked him if that book was still around and that maybe he should bring it home. He replied that it’s already at home, he took it a few weeks ago and that he was waiting until the right time to tell me. He’s apparently had it on his night stand all this time, but it’s on top of or tucked into a tall stack of books and he purposefully had it turned around so that the title didn’t face the bed for me to see. He’s very sneaky. He said he hasn’t started looking at it yet and wanted to give it a few more months to think about it. Depending on the outcome of this month and/or the whole RE referral fiasco we might have to crack that book open sooner rather than later.
In the meantime, we’ll try our hardest this month. I’m taking clomid, I’m going to do some ovulation tests since my doctor suggested waiting until after ovulation to start the progesterone as it might mess things up if I take it too soon. And I’m not going to bother with the lovenox until I get a positive pregnancy test. I know I’ve gotten pregnant twice without taking it, so I have to hope that it can be done again. And even though the bruises have faded I still have nickel to quarter sized marks on my abdomen from the lovenox I took in April. It’s just as well to put that off until I know I need it.
In my attempts to de-stress I’ve gone for a couple massages and I did yoga for the first time on Monday. Tonight I have another massage of the hot stone variety. 90 minutes of pure enjoyment and relaxation. I plan on making use of the whirlpool and sauna beforehand.
All I want to do is retreat into my bubble and not deal with the rest of the world. Not have to react to their comments or pregnancy announcements. To take some deep breaths, sleep without dreams, and find some way to be happy again.
It’s been so long since then.
