Not One

Not one single card.

I mean, what should I have expected?

Out of all the people who knew I was pregnant (IRL) I didn't get one single condolence or sympathy card.

I guess after 10 people get bored trying to console anyone.

Pain

When I passed everything on Saturday morning I thought that was it but Monday night into Tuesday I started bleeding again. It's been nonstop and very painful. I took some vicodin yesterday and I guess that helped with the cramps but it made me so loopy all I could do was lay in bed all day.

I wish I could just be sad and miserable but I'm also in severe pain.

I just want this all to end.

My soul is in tatters
My heart broken into infinite pieces
I'm an empty shell
A walking corpse
Unrecognizable

Baby #10

I've cried so many tears

I've wasted all these years
I never thought my life would be like this

I Don't Think I Will

We didn't do much this weekend except eat. I think my husband thinks eating yummy food will cheer me up. I just feel bloated now.

I was friends with someone on FB and now I'm not, they "unfriended" me. They started going on about how I should just adopt like it's so easy and money grows on trees and it will solve all my problems.

I thought it was rude of them to tell me what I should do next like I shouldn't bother to grieve this loss first. I don't want to think about adoption now. My husband and I discussed it briefly and it's not likely to happen while I'm not working since we don't have the money for it. So that's about 4 years away. I'll be 36. I might as well forget about having kids.

If we tried again I'm sure we'd have the same outcome. At some point enough is enough. Is 10 enough?

I haven't gotten out of bed yet. I don't think I will.

The Little One We Lost

My husband dragged me out to the farmers' market and store to get food today. When we got home I collapsed and took a nap but I'm feeling a lot better now. I haven't had much bleeding at all since this morning.

We're going to open a bottle of red and toast to the little one we lost.

The Worst is Over

I woke up a bit ago and went to the bathroom. A huge clot came out. It was about 2.5" in diameter. I nearly passed out on the toilet but I managed to get back to bed to lie down. I feel miserable. My husband is making me some toast.

I think the worst is over. I can't imagine there's much left to come out.

No Heartbeat

So that's it. Ultrasound sucked. Went to OBGYN's office, got Rx for misoprostol. I don't want to do another D&C.

I think 10 is enough. Maybe I should have a hysterectomy.

Another Week Down

More blood work this morning, level is now 17,979. While that's not as high as I calculated it should be (23,456) I'm guessing that when the numbers are that high a few thousand off shouldn't be a big deal. I was stressing about it most of the day and had the unfortunate experience of getting the lame phlebotomist who likes to blame people for his own incompetencies. No I am not dehydrated. You suck.

The RE's office called with the results and told me to call my local OBGYN to schedule the U/S and get an office appointment. I don't know what I need an appointment for but I called the nurse at the office and let her know what the RE wanted me to do. I'm in the office tomorrow for work so I'll just talk to her about it then. Seriously, I could just chat with my doctor in between patients but then he probably couldn't charge me a copay.

So keep the fingers crossed. I don't plan on having the U/S until at least next Friday because I don't want to deal with bad news and an ochem final. Ochem will be just a bad memory this time next week!

Still Good

I went for the blood work on Thursday, 2930, so still on the rise. I've been busy with school so I was lazy and didn't post. Sorry to keep anyone in suspense.

MORE blood work on Thursday again and then maybe scheduling an ultrasound. :)