Now I've Really Done It!

What has gotten into me? I just posted a "note" on Facebook.

I am now a pregnancy loss spokesperson.

Here is my "note":

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"Clarification"

It seems that I've been too confusing and cryptic. I hope that this will clear things up.

Score card: Pregnancies - 9, Live Babies - 0

My husband and I were "expecting" again. I hate that terminology because it's taken on a whole new meaning for me. Was I "expecting" to have another miscarriage? Yeah, I probably was. Did I hope it would work out? Of course. Hope is pretty ridiculous at times. Sometimes I'm so sad and defeated I can't bear to even think about hoping again. And other times I think maybe the next time will be the one that works out.

So, at almost nine weeks pregnant I had the 2nd ultrasound Thursday (4/8) and there was no heart beat when there was a few weeks ago.

I'm scheduled for a D&C.

Aside from this latest pregnancy, in the last 2 years I have been pregnant 6 times. These pregnancies were all considered "chemical pregnancies". It means that I had positive blood/urine tests, but the levels dropped and the pregnancy ended before it could be seen on ultrasound at which point it is considered a "clinical pregnancy". In the grand scheme of things I'm told these don't count. Bull shit. They count to me. Every positive brings new hope, only to turn into heartbreak.

Two years ago (to the day - 4/8/08) I had the ultrasound showing Sean having no heartbeat. It was just dumb luck that I found out that way because otherwise I would have found out in a not so pleasant way the next day. "Products of conception" passed naturally (and painfully) and the D&C was canceled.

The year before that I was pregnant for the first time. I was like any first time pregnant "mom-to-be". Glowing with the knowledge of the new life growing inside me. Shouting it from the roof tops and all that crap that I can't really stand now but smile and put up with because I don't want to be an a-hole. While I'm happy for people who have healthy pregnancies and bear live babies, deep down I'm a bitter, jealous mess. But I wouldn't wish this misery on my worst enemy.

I found out from my first pregnancy that I have a blood clotting problem: antiphospholipid antibody syndrome. Isabella was starved inside me, the placenta a mess of clots, unable to transfer nutrients. She measured as 14 weeks gestation at 18-19 weeks. I never looked pregnant.

Back then I wondered how I would go on. It hasn't been easy. But I'm tired of the taboo. I think mentally I'm in a lot better place today than I might have been if I didn't let it all hang out on Facebook these past few days. I've never done that before and it was like a crushing weight was lifted from my shoulders. Pregnancy loss shouldn't be some big sad secret that's only whispered about like it's something to be ashamed of. It's like I've come out of the dead baby closet. It's obviously not the answer for everyone, it is a very personal loss.

But if you think about it, if you gave birth to a baby and it died from leukemia at 6 months or even if it died at 6 days, people would recognize that loss and console you, even grieve with you. But if the baby dies before it's born it's like nothing happened or is worth mentioning. (Maybe it's not that harsh, but it goes back to what I've said before, people don't know how to deal with death and the inability is just compounded when it's a baby who died.)

Of course I still cry occasionally and it's still hard. But I don't have to pretend anymore. I don't care who knows. I'm not ashamed, nor should I be. In general, I'm in a happier place than I've been in a long time, so maybe that makes it a little easier as well. But like any loss, it takes time. Grief is a process. Rome wasn't built in a day.

I can't stress enough my appreciation to those who have contacted me and shared their stories with me. I feel like we (the reproductively disabled) need to stick together. Other people really don't understand if they haven't been there. It's an exclusive club that no one wants to join.