Huge Update!

So my divorce is official now, I'm just waiting to get the paper work so I can legally change my last name back.  It was a long time coming and quite frustrating it got dragged out as long as it did seeing as we've been apart since the beginning of May 2011.

I had quite the crazy year aside from the divorce stuff.  I had been seeing someone last year during the summer and we even lived together but when things fell apart I moved out.  I found an apartment and a roommate through a volunteer ambulance service I was on and that seemed like it would be a decent situation but that rapidly unraveled.  The kid (a 22 year old boy) turned out to be somewhat crazy and got a restraining order against me because I was fed up with him eating my food without asking or replacing it and I called him out on it.  He got threatening so I called the cops on him and they suggested he stay somewhere else that night.  That was a Friday.  Monday morning he got the restraining order against me just to get me back, so after working a 24 hour shift and getting home Tuesday late morning from some errands to take a nap I was escorted from the apartment by a police officer and told to go to the court house to take care of it.  Unfortunately it wasn't that simple and I luckily got the follow up court date for that Friday instead of a week from Tuesday to get it resolved.  In the meantime I had to find somewhere else to live!!  After calling around and even calling my ex-husband, my new boyfriend of only about 6 weeks was kind enough to take me in.  There were a few reasons why I didn't ask him first, living with the previous boyfriend didn't pan out well, we'd only been seeing each other 6 weeks, and he has 2 cats.  Don't get me wrong, I love cats, but I sure wasn't going to leave my cats at the apartment with the psycho while the restraining order crap got sorted out.  For that matter I wasn't going to go back to living there even if it did get sorted out!  So with police escort I went back to the apartment, gathered up some necessities and clothes and of course my cats and their stuff and hauled it all back to my boyfriend's house.  I literally had the clothes on my back when I left the apartment that morning.  Side story: I was so stressed out about the whole thing I came down with terrible tummy issues and had pretty much non-stop diarrhea from that afternoon into the night.  Unfortunately I had an accident and had to use the public bathroom in the library across from the court house to clean myself up and wash out my underwear.  So not only did I only have the clothes on my back I was now going commando!  Friday rolled around and the restraining order was vacated, but the whole ordeal was just terrible.  I ended up staying living with my boyfriend and paying rent of course and it works out pretty well because he works a lot and I do too so we don't see each other a ton so we don't get on each other's nerves.  He works overnight shifts at his job as a paramedic so 4 nights of the week he's not even home and it's funny because the nights when he is home we don't even sleep in the same bed.  He snores like a chainsaw and I apparently flail around a lot so it's just better for everyone to get a good night's sleep if we sleep separately.  One of his cats is very cuddly and she has adopted my bed as her preferred sleeping spot so every night I'm sandwiched between her and my Katie with purring in stereo!

Last winter I applied again to several PA schools and even branched out to places far away since it didn't really matter if I stuck around this area anymore.  I applied to UNE in Portland, ME and UC Davis in California (not far from Napa which would be dangerous!!).  I also applied to Albany Med again and surprisingly got an interview.  A few weeks later on March 1st I got my acceptance letter!  Albany was always my first choice so I was beyond thrilled!!!  School starts in 3 weeks!!  I'm so excited but also getting really nervous.

Things are going really well with my boyfriend, we have a lot in common and laugh a lot.  I brought him up to Maine a couple times to visit my mom and since it was his first time to Maine he had a blast.  I took him to all my favorite places and we went to the beach and got knocked around by the waves and had a ton of fun.

And now for the really big news:  On September 19th I found out I was pregnant.  It wasn't exactly planned and the timing is pretty horrible with school starting but after all I've been through not for one second did I consider anything but a wait and see attitude.  I'm now 17 weeks and 3 days along.  I'm due for a level 2 ultrasound on the 27th so I'll know how things are really going then.  I'll probably find out the sex too.  I've been pretty ambivalent about it because of all my losses, like maybe if I let myself get excited and get my hopes up then they'll get dashed again.  Also, my boyfriend isn't exactly excited about it.  I know it sounds a little crappy but he knows how rigorous PA school can be and is worried for me and getting through school. I can understand that.  He also had pretty much figured at 36 he'd never have kids so this is a huge deal.

I'm nervous about being pregnant and school and how I'll manage but I'm just taking it a day at a time.  I can't really make plans when I still don't feel 100% that it will work out.  Maybe after the level 2 ultrasound when I know more.

So after my pregnancy with Isabella, this is the longest I've been pregnant.  I'm starting to get a little bit of a belly and switched to wearing maternity pants so I'll be more comfortable.  I also got a Doppler so I can listen to the heart beat when ever I want and it's been steady around 160 bpm from what I can count.  It was around 180 when I had my first ultrasound on October 24th.

So what will be will be.  I'll try not to be such a stranger and keep things updated from here on out.

Eat, Drink and Be Merry

Yet another whirlwind month has pasted. It's good and bad. Here are the updates:

School:

I'm only taking two classes this semester so it's pretty easy after a summer of organic chemistry - pure misery. I'm taking biochemistry at a nearby 4 year college and anatomy & physiology 2 at the community college in my town where I've taken most of my other classes. I've had two tests so far in A&P2 and I've gotten a 96 and a 98, so I'd say I'm doing pretty well. It's harder to say about biochemistry since we only had our first test this past week and I haven't gotten my grade yet. I've found with taking classes at multiple college settings that it varies greatly in how they test or prepare you for those tests. I studied my butt off on the amino acid structures and abbreviations but not as much on other things so there were a few questions that I had absolutely no clue on. Bummer. We'll find out on Tuesday how I did.

Patient Contact Hours:

I have been working at my local OBGYN office because my own doctor got me in after suggesting I go back to school to be a doctor. I decided on taking the PA route and he helped get me in at his office to rack up some hours required for PA programs. I went in yesterday to hand out some thank-you notes and a couple dozen fresh baked cookies to thank them for their time and allowing me to work there. I got to chat with my doctor a bit as well. It's been a while since I've been in the office. I haven't worked since the beginning of September. Right after Labor day I came down with a bit of a cold and school had started and then the following week the NP I worked with went on vacation for 3 weeks. So I didn't go in so I could focus on school and have some time for myself to decompress after ochem. Then the week she was back my hubby and I went on vacation. While she was away I decided that I've learned all I can from the office and should find a new situation since OBGYN is such a narrow part of the medical field. So....

EMT status:

I passed my practical exam in August but only found out a month later. I've heard that other people in my class have already passed the written exam, the final step between me and an EMT certification. Yet again I dragged my feet a bit and then with our vacation I put it off some more. I have scheduled my exam for November 6th. Wish me luck.

Vacation:

My hubby and I went to Martha's Vineyard for an amazing vacation 2 years ago and met a wonderful mother and daughter traveling together. We've kept in touch with Christmas cards and Facebook and we were invited to the daughter's wedding on October 16th in Santa Barbara, CA. We waffled on whether or not to go for a while but decided it was the best excuse to go to California and when else might we see these wonderful people we spent so much time with on a long weekend 2 years ago. It was amazing. We decided to fly out a week early to have our own vacation, then hit the wedding and fly home the next day. We drove from LAX up the coast over 2 days then spent 4 nights in Napa. Ahhh.... it was heaven. Every day we tasted wine, every day we had beautiful weather, every day was amazing. Then on Thursday we drove to Yosemite, it was crazy beautiful! We only spent the day so we could get up early on Friday and drive to Santa Barbara. I assume since we were coming from such a distance that was the reason why we were invited to the rehearsal dinner on Friday. It was so great to see our old friends and since the daughter getting married is of the personality that just draws you in, all her friends and family were equally welcoming and friendly. After that night it was like we were all friends for years. The wedding was so elegant to the point of being extravagant. Absolutely beautiful. We couldn't have wished for a better vacation. It was almost sad to head home.

At a vineyard in Sonoma

At Yosemite

Catching up with old friends at the rehearsal dinner:

And now back to reality, Reproductive status:

Back on August 13th I took misoprostol to induce miscarriage. Everything passed by the next morning, I had a day or two of bleeding and then nothing for a couple days and then it started up again for about 2 weeks. A week or so went by and I started bleeding again - for 3 weeks. I was glad it at least stopped for our vacation. The week before last I was feeling crampy again and finally this past Monday I started bleeding again, but unlike the light bleeding I had before this was a torrent. It seemed almost more than a regular period, but better than the trickle I had before. I can't imagine this could keep up for 3 weeks. I briefly spoke to my doctor about next steps. He mentioned an article in this week's New England Journal of Medicine about recurrent miscarriage and how he thought about me while reading it. He mentioned an hysteroscopy. I asked about the hot flashes I've had all week. I didn't get to talk to him for long so I later sent him an email asking about my next steps. My buddy Margaret suggested that I do everything at once. Clomid, progesterone, lovenox, baby aspirin. Even though I've tested negative twice this year for antiphospholipid antibody syndrome, it's possible that my levels went up after they tested me at the end of July when I first found out the last time I was pregnant. I asked my doctor about all this and mentioned how my last RE seems to have exhausted all his options with me. I've mentioned before - my local OBGYN is notoriously slow responding to email. I'd rather that medium over a voicemail and phone call back any day though. Regardless, I don't want to actively try this month. My hubby and I have decided to go to his family's for Thanksgiving this year and after two losses this year I feel especially negative toward them even though they have no clue I was even pregnant. It's completely irrational but with every loss it just brings back the hurt they inflicted after I lost Isabella, even though they apologized and haven't said anything hurtful since it lingers. I can't forget. I don't think I can forgive. So in my short conversation with my OBGYN I mentioned that I will be drinking heavily over Thanksgiving just to get through being around his family. :P So I'm waiting to hear what he has to say. Maybe we'll try next month. I don't know. The odds look worse and worse for me. And this article about recurrent miscarriage doesn't instill me with any hope. From the little I could read online without subscribing, the woman in the study had had a live birth before she had multiple miscarriages. That's not my case at all. I want to hear about someone who had 15 miscarriages at varying gestations and then went on to have a live birth. That would give me some hope. Does anyone have a story like that? Please let me know. I don't want to be the woman who never was able. Who kept futilely trying. I want to know when will it be my turn, not if.

Until then I will eat and drink and try to be merry. At least my hubby cooks me good food.

One Month Later

This past month has gone by sort of fast. I guess that's not really a bad thing. When time drags it really sucks. It's a month today since I heard the news. My baby is dead.

I spent the following week crying and feeling sorry for myself. Then tried to pull it all together for my EMT practical exam the following Saturday. We left the next day for Maine to visit my mom and spend a few days there. Not completely unexpected, my mom didn't talk to me about my latest loss and I didn't bother to bring it up. We got home in time for the last weekend in August and my husband to spend the weekend with friends playing craps at a casino. I got together with a friend and did fun things like sailing, drinking beer, eating wings, another day we went to a river to go biking and swim and another day after that we went kayaking and swimming at a nearby lake. I had fun in spite of the miserableness.

Labor Day weekend was low key. Hubby was sick so we didn't get together with anyone but we did have some yummy food. I went running twice (then promptly caught a cold). Then the Tuesday after Labor Day school started. I'm taking biochemistry and anatomy & physiology 2. I'm glad to have a light load this semester after a summer of organic chemistry (BTW, I got a B in ochem 2 same as ochem 1) and after taking 4 classes in the spring with EMT class on top of it.

I still feel adrift about what to do next. If there is a next to this journey. I know that we can't afford to adopt and I think the next person to suggest it to me should have to pony up the dough. I wonder if we just need a long break from it. I wonder if there's any merit to letting my body not deal with weird hormones for a while. I wish there was some explanation for why this keeps happening and if there's "nothing wrong with me" then what happened with Isabella that started this whole thing off in the first place?

I don't normally talk about this but since it's all wrapped together I might as well. I have no sex life. I'm sure as with others who are baby-lost and trying again and grieving a loss that sex has taken on a completely different meaning. I had my cold and before that my hubby was sick (Labor Day weekend) so what little physical contact we had, an occasional smooch or hug, has dwindled to nothing at all. It's sort of weird how little physical contact I've had recently since I don't get many hugs elsewhere. Good thing the cats don't care if I have a cold. They still snuggle me. So as far as the sex thing, it's become non-existent. We all know what happens when I have sex. I get pregnant and then I have a miscarriage. So sex is no longer the fun thing it use to be. It's tainted by what it brings about. My husband is weird about religion and crap so I'm not sure he would go for the condom route but at this point I don't want to really deal with them either. Maybe I need some other form of birth control that isn't hormonal but isn't used on one-night stands either. Suggestions welcome. I think baby-making needs to hit the back burner or be taken off the stove completely.

Speaking of religion... I don't think I've talked about it much on here but that has changed a lot for me recently. I grew up pretty non-religious. My mom took us to Congregational churches when we went which wasn't a lot. Later when I met my husband, a lifelong Catholic, I converted. I did the whole RCIA thing, I bought into it all and was a "good Catholic" for several years even though my liberal upbringing liked to jump out occasionally but for the most part there wasn't too much conflict. Then there was Samantha and I think she was the straw that broke the camel's back. We had just visited my husband's family for Easter and returned home to an ultrasound with no heartbeat. I didn't go to Mass that weekend because needless to say I was upset. I called the priest at our church to talk about what had happened and get his take on it. Of course he didn't have any answers for why God kept doing this to me. I haven't been to Mass since. I'm actually a little surprised/disappointed that he hasn't called in these 5 months to find out why we haven't been coming to Mass. I just can't get on board with it anymore. I know for a lot of people when your baby dies it's like a test of your faith and you become stronger in your faith or something which I obviously don't understand because it hasn't happened to me or like in my case, you turn away from it all. Ironically a lot of my turning away has to do with my husband's mother who is a total nutcase for the Catholic church so much so that she only goes to Mass at a traditional Latin Mass church and has basically said all other Catholic Masses aren't the true Mass, blah blah blah. I think she's crazy. Plus she's better than everyone else because she goes to the fancy Mass you can't understand. I know this because she has told my husband's friend who he's known since middle school that she can't attend his wedding because he and his fiancee have been living together and she can't support that. So much for the friendship your son has had with this guy for nearly 20 years. Just flush it down the toilet. So the whole Catholic thing isn't too appealing to me if that's the way it goes it the "true church". My husband went to visit his family alone this weekend (because I was too sick to go, bummer, I know!) and he went to Mass alone at the local non-crazy parish because, and I quote: "I didn't want my mom to ask questions." Whatever. I don't care if he goes or doesn't. I'm just not going to go anymore. I wonder what kind of craziness would have ensued if I had been with him and outright refused to go to Mass with him. Ha! The shit would have hit the fan, I'm sure. But as "we're a team" he hasn't been going to Mass since Easter, minus this past weekend's exception, so he thinks that "we should start going again". Umm, no.

I didn't intend on offending anyone and if I have, well, those are the blogging-breaks. But please don't post comments about what a horrible person I am for turning away from God/Jesus. I still have the comment moderation in effect so I just won't approve them. I probably won't even read the whole thing before I delete them so don't waste your time. This is probably why I don't post about religion on here often. I don't feel the need to defend my beliefs or lack there of to other people.

So that's it. I think that's enough for now.

My Reality

Today wasn't a bad day. I slept in a bit although my hubby woke me up with his conference call around 9am this morning. I lazed around and finally got up around 10.

Pain hasn't been too bad and what pain/cramps I do have isn't touched by the Tylenol with Codeine. It seems a waste to have even bothered getting them from the pharmacy. I have a bunch left, I should sell them on the black market.

I've had very little bleeding too, I guess that's good. It's sort of weird too.

I went to lunch with some friends, drank a lot of beer and then continued the party at my house. We played guitar and sang then watched a funny movie. I had a good time.

Before meeting them for lunch I went to the hospital to pick up the CD of my ultrasounds. I figured I should have whatever mementos I could possibly have and put them in my box of dead babies.

It's pretty miserable to read the ultrasound report: "No fetal heart beat or fetal motion was seen".

That is my life.

That is my reality.

Wonderings

I know, it's shocking to hear from me after only one week! :)

The first week of school was great, so far I'm enjoying my classes. I just need to keep on top of things and I'll be ok. I have a few new instructors this semester and so far they're pretty cool. I do miss my bio 2 instructor from last semester, she was super cool. I'll have to make a point of stopping by her office once in a while to catch up and say hi.
It's weird to feel so happy about school, but I'm also slightly overwhelmed with the undertaking and I feel bad about my husband's stress for being the sole provider, but also sad about our prospects for a family. I feel like the ship has sailed on that part of our lives.

I like to read the comic "Zits", for those of you who don't read it, it's about a teenage boy and his parents. Today's Sunday comic was really cute and actually made me tear up a bit. It's sad to me because I feel like I'll never have that. The adorable little boy or the surly teenager.

(I had to insert the actual comic because the link no longer works....)


I think a big part of why I haven't posted at all in the last few months it that thinking about these things makes me sad. It's hard to be sad and happy at the same time. I feel guilty when I'm happy and then disappointed in the course of my life when I'm sad. (But then also grateful that I'm not still stuck in a job I hate.) I don't want to forget about my babies but I don't want them to be an iron weight I must constantly bear.

I wondered the other day when the day will come that people stop asking us when we're going to have kids. Has it already come?

I'm wondering now if writing a blog about sad things really is so cathartic after a certain point. Is there an end to the tears that could be shed over these losses?

Spirits are UP!

Monday I was all emotional and weepy after talking to my manager. I'm thinking now that it was weird hormones. We're still trying to get pregnant so as part of that regiment I've been doing the ovulation predictor kits and I got my LH surge yesterday. This just further confirms my luteal phase defect (LPD) issue. If I get the LH surge on the 18th day of my cycle that just means I'm about to ovulate in the next couple days, so say I don't ovulate until the 20th day, and then I have a pretty regular cycle 28-30 days. That's only 8-10 days for the embryo to haul cells down the tube and grab on. Actually less than that because the natural progesterone levels drop a couple days before menstruation beings. That totally spells out LPD!

Way back in the day (late summer/fall 2006) when we first started trying I did all the charting of basal body temperatures and suspected then that I had LPD. My doctor brushed it off. I somehow managed to get pregnant with Isabella anyway. Same thing with Sean, I guess it's a hit or miss situation. Although with Sean I took clomid so maybe that helped.

That's the thing with miscarriages. There are so many variables and even when it does work out and you stay pregnant you don't know if it's because of something you did to help it along or if it would have worked out anyway if you did nothing. It's so frustrating!

So anyway... LH surge yesterday, going to start taking progesterone on Friday (day 21). I had been taking the prometrium, but my RE in Boston said to go back to the suppositories - yuck. I can get on board with that though, because looking back it seemed like the prometrium didn't seem to be as effective/strong as taking the suppositories because bleeding wouldn't begin until 3 days after I stopped taking the suppositories, but it didn't matter for the prometrium.

And then I'll test around day 30. If I get a positive I'll start taking the blood thinner injections to head off the crappy APS. Who knows about PAI 1, but the blood thinners are suppose to take care of that too.

Sounds like all the bases are covered, right? Sounds like a slam dunk, right?

I bet I will get pregnant this month. I just won't bet money that it will stick.

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As for school etc, I'm getting really excited. My schedule is all set, I'm down for 3 classes. We're also going on a mini vacation to Martha's Vineyard before classes start, I can't wait! We had so much fun there last year! My spirits are already up just knowing that I'll be done working soon, on the ferry to MV and then classes shortly after. Hurray!

Insanity

I had a fun weekend. My husband and I went to a BBQ/party on the other side of the state where he played beer pong for the first time in his life. I don't know how he got through college not playing it. I think it might be because he was more into shots of whiskey than drinking beer and also figured what's the point of drinking games when he was just going to drink whatever it was anyway.

I played horseshoes for the first time in years. My husband's buddy was on my team and we played against two of the buddy's friends. I scored all 21 points to their 5 points. It was pretty cool.

I fully realize that I'm not in college anymore and I'm in fact now 31 years old. But we stayed up until 2am and I really should have gotten in a nap yesterday. Good thing there's caffeine.

My period started on Saturday. I never use to be so regular, but like clockwork 28 days post latest miscarriage.

My local OBGYN is has me in a communications blackout but my RE in Boston emailed me about PAI 1, apparently it doesn't matter if I have it or not because I would take the lovenox anyway because of APS. So we have nothing new to go by for this month. Just do the same thing I did last month even though that didn't work out.

Einstein states: "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

Birthdays and Biopsies

Friday was my husband's 30th birthday. We threw a big party and had 18 people (including us) come and it was a lot of fun. It wasn't a surprise because my husband doesn't like surprises and it made it easy for me because I could just ask him what kind of stuff he wanted and where it should be, etc. The most interesting part of the party was the crazy cross section of our lives in attendance. We had a college buddy of my husband's and his wife, two co-workers and their wives, our next door neighbors who are elderly, his grandparents and parents, my mom and her husband, and my sister and her boyfriend. (His spoiled brat sister who says family comes first was too busy to come, but I'm glad because I think she's annoying.) Everyone had heard and seen pictures of everyone else but it was the first time most of them met so it was cool. I was really glad when it was over because I was stressing out a bit and running around crazy most of Friday before the party. Saturday everyone left by noon and then I crashed and took a 3-4 hour nap. I was exhausted.

Now that that is over I'm thinking about this biospy I'm going to have done of my uterus. It's suppose to be scheduled for next Friday, the 24th. I'm getting a little nervous about it and wondering what it will be like. If it's like the HSG then that's not too bad. I can deal with that. I have no idea what the results will be, but I can't help but hope they find something, anything to explain why this keeps happening. Why I can't stay pregnant longer than a week anymore. After Isabella died I use to think "if I can just make it to 20 weeks, then I'll be ok", then Sean was miscarried at 9 weeks. Then I had miscarriage after miscarriage and now I wish I could just get to that ultrasound at 6-7 weeks where you see and hear the heartbeat. Hell, I wish I could do a second pregnancy test and see a darker line rather than a lighter one than the previous test.

The passage of time really sucks. We've been trying to get pregnant for almost 3 years now. I wish I could fast forward to being 25 weeks pregnant, but who knows when that will be, for all I know it could be years from now.

That's what scares the shit out of me.

Fingers Crossed

This past weekend my husband and I went to Boston for the No Doubt concert, it was super fun. As luck would have it, my appointment to see a new RE in Boston was scheduled for Friday so I was happy that we didn't have to make a special trip. The weekend was slightly rainy and dreary for parts, but otherwise was packed with fun. We hiked all over the city doing the Freedom Trail and rode the "T" every which way. The appointment with the RE didn't give us any major break-throughs, but we got our blood drawn to do karyotypes on both of us to make sure all our chromosomes are normal to rule out issues from that. I'm nearing the end of my cycle, Thursday will be day 28, so it's just wait and see for now, I'm determined to not test until then. The only suggestion the RE had was if I don't get pregnant this month that she recommends doing a biopsy on my uterus next month which would mean no trying for that month. But depending on the biopsy it would say if I have an infection or something else that is keeping critters from latching on which could be fixed. That sounds unpleasant, but at this point I'll do whatever so bring it on. Obviously I hope I'll find out I'm pregnant on Thursday.

I'm in the throes of planning a birthday party for my husband, he's going to be 30 on July 10th. It's sort of a pain because the majority of people invited live far away, so a decent chunk of them aren't coming. Our parents and his grandparents are coming and now it's down to who is sleeping where. We live in a very touristy area so hotel prices are $150 and up even for not so spiffy motels. So I'm stressing a bit about what to do, get out the air mattresses I guess.

Last weekend we went to PA for my "sister-in-law's" bridal shower. I put it in quotes because I'm such a non-entity to her that I don't feel like I should bother calling her my sister-in-law. She gave a big speech at the beginning of the shower introducing her bridesmaids and gushed over her soon to be sister-in-law (her fiancé's sister) and how they've been calling each other sister for so long and how soon they really will be sisters. Whoop-di-do. According to my husband his family never does anything to purposefully hurt me, so I just have to assume his sister is so completely self centered and oblivious that she couldn't possibly comprehend how hurtful that was for me to hear as her sister-in-law of nearly 5 years. Needless to say I'm not a bridesmaid. Maybe if I was more girlie growing up then I would have more female friends and would actually get picked to be a bridesmaid in the weddings of women who were bridesmaids for me 5 years ago. I guess if my sister ever gets married I'm guaranteed a spot there. Should I really even be upset? I get out of wearing an ugly dress and paying an arm and a leg for it.

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Friday is our 5 year anniversary, this past weekend was our present to each other, but we'll probably make a tasty dinner at home and celebrate in a little bit more low key way. I hope the weather clears up for the weekend, it would be nice to do some gardening and some other things around the house. As my neighbor always says: "Anyone who owns a house, deserves it."

For now I'll keep my fingers crossed for Thursday.

Options

Today was a crazy day. Very busy at work. Plans to go on two more business trips, one to Georgia this month and back to Seattle next month. My husband suggested as an anniversary present we go to the No Doubt concert in Boston next month so we bought our tickets for that. Things are shaping up to be pretty busy in the near future.

I had my first appointment with my therapist today in a long time. I feel like we barely skimmed the surface of everything that has been going on. I should make a list...

I'm crazy hormonal and my husband and I have been fighting a lot. Tiny little things are annoying the crap out of each of us and then blowing up into shouting matches. It just reaffirms for me that having a baby won't take away these last 2 years, won't erase all the pain, won't make things happily ever after.

My cycle is still all messed up. Sunday was my last day of taking the prometrium, so on cue I had bleeding yesterday and again today, not a lot and not bright red, but it's just more mess to the conundrum that is this cycle. I have no idea what day it is. I got a refill of clomid, but I don't know when to use it. My doctor is on vacation until Monday so I can't possibly get any answers or even educated guesses until then. There's nothing like trying to ask the "on-call doctor" what to do when they have barely looked at your chart and get impatient when you try to explain to them what's going on in your own body because obviously the 5 seconds they've spent on the phone with you makes them an expert on your case. Whatever.

But do I even want to try anymore? With all the fighting, all the disappointment, all the shouting, is it worth it?

My husband listed our 3 options during the hour long drive to the cat heart specialist on Tuesday:
1. Keep trying to have a baby.
2. Start the adoption process to have a baby.
3. Not have children at all.

I can't imagine #3, I'm not ready to even think about #2, and I don't know how much more I can take of #1. To think that I use to look forward to sex, that it was fun, exciting, spontaneous. Now it's just a scheduled chore. I'm disgusted with myself and what my relationship with my husband has become.

Is there an option 4?

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Oh, and tomorrow is 2 years for Isabella.
731 days.
17,544 hours.
1,052,640 minutes.
63,158,400 seconds.
I can only go forward, but to what? What can the future possibly hold?

What Day Is It?

Today was a super fun day. I found a church to go to that turned out to be really nice and packed full of people. Then it was back to Seattle for more awesome activities. I met up with a not-well-known author, but I think she's super cool and hilarious. I recently bought her book which came out last fall and she signed it for me along with spending an hour chatting with me. It was like catching up with an old friend she's just that nice. I unfortunately scheduled a duck tour for not long after so I had to go or we probably would have been chatting all night. The duck tour was great, lots of interesting tidbits and I took a ton of pictures. I'll post some after I get home.

As for the weirdo cycle: I had a little bleeding this morning and that was it. It's seeming less and less like a period by the day and when it's accompanied by severe queasiness to the point of worrying I might see what I ate for lunch, and later dinner, in reverse it's really making me wonder what if.

But I refuse to test!

10:12 PM PDT 4/26/09

Day 24 or Day 3?

Friday I had a lot of bleeding and then nothing Saturday. I called my OBGYN on Friday but he was off that day and so I talked to a different doctor who thinks I just had a really short cycle. Now I'm not so sure. I'm glad that I didn't take her advice to stop the blood thinner and progesterone and start counting a new cycle but I'm also not completely convinced that whatever is going on might actually turn into a positive pregnancy test. I considered getting a test to see but I should probably give it a couple more days and/or see what tomorrow brings before I get too excited.

I had a fun day, I went in to Seattle, saw some sights and got together with and old friend. I'm beat.

12:18 AM PDT

Sleep in Seattle

All packed and ready to go. I'm excited for my trip, I have some fun stuff lined up for this weekend in Seattle.

I'm going to miss my hubby and kitties, but hey, I might actually get some sleep while I'm away since I won't be crowded and crawled all over in the night. :)

Now it's time for bed.

Easter for Favorites

This was the best Easter in a long time. My husband and I stayed home instead of going to visit his family. It was the first time he has ever spent Easter without them. We made the obligatory calls to wish them a Happy Easter and I felt an inkling of a guilt trip with every “we’ll miss you at dinner” we received. I didn’t miss the stress and fighting that accompanies a trip to my in-laws’.

We joked that we were spending Easter with our favorites as he’s my favorite person and I’m his. This was something we came up with a few weeks ago when we were being silly and it’s sort of caught on. (We also spent it with our favorite kitties, alas Sasha is buried out back.) We went to Mass Saturday night so we got to sleep in on Sunday morning. We ate our yummy Paska bread and some colored eggs for breakfast and then commenced dinner preparations. We really should have had half a dozen or so people join us because we had way too much food for only two people. We had meat stuffed manicotti to start, then glazed ham, kielbasa with horseradish, green bean casserole and mashed potatoes. For dessert we had carrot cake. It was so yummy. Even though it was only the two of us it was a really festive time without the stress of entertaining. We ate in the dining room on our wedding china, drank from our fancy crystal glasses and had plenty of room to spread out serving platters and bowls when we normally would serve straight from the pot to the plate. After we went for a 3 mile walk to burn off some holiday calories.


I’m getting my hopes up for this month, I can’t help it. It’s only day 12 so I have a while to go before I’ll know anything. I probably haven’t even ovulated yet, which is fine, more time for the swimmers to get in position. Wednesday I’ll start taking my injections and progesterone. I’m pretty proud of myself for telling my doctor what I wanted to do rather than defer to him or do nothing at all.

(Hurray for my 100th Post!)

Note: I miscounted, it's #99.

Getting Caught Up

It’s been a super long time since I’ve posted and I still haven’t read anyone else’s blogs yet, I’m just starting to get to the bottom of my pile of emails and everything else since getting back to work.

Here is a quick update on what I’ve been up to in the last few weeks:

Friday, March 20th my husband and I got up very early to fly to Miami. We spent two nights there, went out to dinner for my birthday, went to the beach, and caught up on some sleep. Sunday, March 22nd we set sail on our cruise. It was wonderful! We had an awesome room, ate delicious food, and had fun with our friends who also came on the cruise. I had a couple massages at the spa on the ship, we did a cave tubing and zip line excursion in Belize and an all-day beach club on Cozumel. There was a bowling alley on the ship and we had fun there, the movement of the ship can make the ball roll off course at odd moments, but it worked out well for me because I bowled a 170 in the last game of the night! The only bad thing was I got a bad cold toward the end of the trip and lost my voice. We got back to Miami on Sunday, March 29th and flew home that day. It was nice to get back and see the kitties, they missed us a bunch.

Because I was coughing and sniffling and had lost my voice I didn’t go to work at all last week, so Katie was happy to have me around to snuggle all day. My first day back was this Monday, I had over 200 emails. I was also a huge slacker all week on my personal emails so I had a ton to sort through there as well.

In other news our washer finally kicked the bucket, it had been acting up for a while and then when I did some laundry when we got home it started leaking oil/grease on our clothes, so that was it. We got this washer only 6 years ago when we bought our house and at the time we weren’t told that front loaders needed high-efficiency detergent. When we had a service person come to look at it and we were told that they learned about 3 years ago that the higher foaming regular detergent was capable of ruining the bearings and then you get the mess we had. How nice. My husband’s grandparents have had their washer and drier for 30 years. They just don’t make them like they use to. So we finally got a new washer yesterday after having some plumbing done to make more room in the closet where the washer is. The new washers are bigger, and couldn’t fit with the drain pipe sticking way out. It was nice to wash some clothes. (My husband took a couple loads to a laundry mat last week to get us through until now.)

Now that we’re back from vacation we’re officially off our break. I started my period last Thursday and called my OBGYN on Friday to discuss how to proceed. I was contacted before my vacation by someone who also has antiphospholipid antibody syndrome (APS) and what she did to manage it, so I told my doctor about that and that’s what we’re going to do. Also, when I went to the specialist back in January she suggested doing the dye test (HSG) so he asked about that and why not, so I’m going in for that on Friday. So the plan is to start taking progesterone and blood thinners on the 14th day of the cycle and see what happens.

I was sort of going back and forth in my head a little about going all out this month because I’m scheduled to travel to the Seattle area for work later this month, basically for most of the “two week wait” time period. So I worried about having to travel with syringes and working 2nd shift out there which pretty much equates to a 3rd shift here, yuck, and what that might do to my body/sleep cycles in general as well as the stress of travel and living in a hotel for almost 2 weeks. But then I thought, if we’re going to try at all this month, I might as well do the whole sha-bang because what if I do get pregnant, even without the HSG (which supposedly a lot of women get pregnant the month they have that done), and I don’t take the blood thinners and I end up miscarrying again. That would suck. So it’s full steam ahead. HSG, blood thinners and progesterone here I come.

I think that’s everything. Now I’ll start catching up on others’ blogs.

Vacation

It's getting so close now, I can almost hear the waves crashing on the beach and warm sea air blowing through my hair.

I took a half day at work and then got my nails done. I feel very fancy now which is quite the change of pace for a jeans and t-shirt kind of person. It's interesting that I dress like a slob for the most part and then I go on vacation and I have a dress or skirt lined up for every night. Several pairs of shoes to go with it all too.

So this is a farewell of sorts, I most likely won't have access to my email or the internet in general until I get back and even if I did have access I could stand to be unconnected for a while.

Thank you to those who wished me a happy birthday.

1 day until vacation and birthday.
:)

Flowing Like Water

Vacation is looming closer, I'm starting to get excited and slightly stressed about getting packed and everything done before we go.

I had an appointment with my therapist today which I thought went really well. We talked about a game plan for when I get back from vacation and the advice I've been getting from my new blogging buddy on managing antiphospholipid antibody syndrome. It gives me a little glimmer of hope considering I figured we'd "just try" next month and everything would miraculously work out.

As far as the roller coaster that is my life goes it's on the upswing. I hope it will continue with sun, sand, margaritas and wine flowing like water and a couple much needed massages at the spa on board our cruise ship. It's finally starting to warm up here but it will be just the right medicine to go somewhere tropical and do absolutely nothing but relax and enjoy.

3 days until vacation and birthday.

Fanning the Fire

I got an email from my therapist this afternoon. I have been meeting with him every Tuesday for a while now and this is the first week that we’ve planned on skipping a session. (An attempt to wean me.) It was interesting to hear from him because I had been thinking earlier in the day that the receptionists would wonder where I was.

Not much has been going on lately on my end which is why I haven’t posted in a while. I got myself so worked up over my last post that I probably just needed a rest.

Hearing from him made me think of something he said about therapy leading to more therapy and I wondered if going every week was just fanning the fire. Of course I would feel differently if something crazy had happened or I had some other revelation similar to the one in my last post.

I feel like I’ve been flying under the radar a bit so that’s good. I’ve been reading others’ blogs and commenting here and there, but otherwise I’m laying low.

24 days until vacation and birthday.

Onward and Upward

I am the queen of chemical pregnancies. Three in five months.

I was really upset Monday and Tuesday, but I think I'm ok now. I feel lame because it's like I keep crying wolf. I realize this is the place to lay it all out there, but it still sucks to say "Hurray, I'm pregnant!" only to have to turn around and say "Never mind..."

So now we take a break. We're going on vacation at the end of March, so come April we'll give it another go. I'm not sure about doctor recommendations to do the dye test, it seems that the eggs are bopping along just fine. But I have time to think about that and decide when the time comes.

In the meantime I'm going to focus on being positive, having fun, exercising, and starting some sort of project.

Also, I have to get my stuff together for my meeting next Tuesday. I want to make up some handouts and other things, so I need to get a move on.

I don't know where the kick in the ass came from, but I'll take it.

Sleepy Weekend

I've been super sleepy all weekend. Last week was really busy and I stayed up much too late every night. As is normal for us, we went to bed much earlier on Friday night than we did any other night this week. So I've been catching up this weekend, that and playing sudoku on my iPod. :)

Today were watching the super bowl although it's more for the commercials than the game. We're going to make yummy chicken wings and guacamole.

Maybe I can sneak in a nap before game time.