Getting on with Life

My soon-to-be-ex-husband has been weird.  A week ago Sunday he sent me a big long email basically asking if I left him for another man because I don't seem too upset about everything so obviously I must have found solace with someone else.  The whole thing is hard of course but since it's what I want and not what he wants then wouldn't it make sense that I wouldn't be having as hard a time as he is?  Frankly I'm a lot happier now, it's been such a relief to not have to deal with his family especially with Father's Day and his mom's birthday this past weekend.  But the weird thing is after I moved my cats to my new place he apparently emailed my mom and my sister about stuff and mentioned about the cats to them.  I think it's creepy that he's emailing them.  Maybe he wants to have some sort of connection with me still or he maybe he just can't talk to his family about it since he's probably now an outcast for being on the divorce track.  I'm pretty sure he went to visit his family this past weekend (for Father's Day and his mom's bday) but when I asked him about it because I wanted to stop by the house he was shifty about saying where he'd be.  He doesn't want me in the house when he's not there but I finally convinced him to stop being so weird and let me have access to my shit!  So I told him I was going to get some clothes and he texts me Monday that when I said clothes I must have meant the camping stuff since I took that.  A while back he said he didn't care about that stuff so I figured I'd take it while I was there and I'm going camping for my friend's wedding at the end of July since I can't really afford to stay in a hotel for 2-3 nights.  Ugg!  I really need to get the paper work going so we can get this over with.  I've sort of been dragging my feet because I've been working a lot and then the rest of the time I'm out having fun and enjoying summer and don't want to deal with dreary divorce crap.  I'll have to work on it tomorrow.  Is it totally horrible that I just want to get on with my life?  I feel bad for him, but it really isn't like this came out of the blue.  I think in March/April when I didn't get pregnant again and had a really weird short cycle things just snapped for me and I decided I didn't want to try anymore.  Then it was like why am I still with him because that was really all we had in common at that point.  What kind of marriage is it when you only have sex to conceive and it's more of a chore than anything else.  I was no longer attracted to him either and with his family and religious stuff, it was hanging by a thread for a while.  I don't know how to explain it to people, no one questions you when you say you're getting married but you get the 3rd degree when you say you're getting divorced.  Have you ever heard someone say: "Why are you getting married???  Why not just stay the way things are??"

Divorce

This is it.

Between stuff with my husband, his family, the Catholic church, miscarriages, I just can't go on. I feel like I haven't been really happy for a while and all this time I thought it was because of dead babies or because of my old job. Maybe it was my husband all this time. My husband, his family and the church are a package deal. I can't have just him and even if I could would I want him anymore? The decision is made.

Now I must disentangle myself.

Tattoo

I got this tattoo in time for Isabella's 4 year anniversary.

The forget-me-nots seemed to be the right way to go.

Isabella - May 8, 2007

Four years ago today was the last day I had with Isabella. It's hard to believe it's been so long. But it also feels like forever.

My heart will never heal.

The Phoenix has to burn before it can be reborn from the ashes.

This Misery Needs to End

Things didn't work out with the clomid. My period started really early too so the whole month was a mess. It crystallized some things for me and I'm making some tough decisions. I haven't been happy for a long time. I quit my engineering job, I went back to school, I applied for PA school, I became an EMT. But the whole while I still wasn't happy because I couldn't have a baby. My body wouldn't cooperate. I'm realizing now that for the last year or more I haven't even wanted to have a baby anymore. I just want to prove I can. So I can say with full confidence now I have given up. I no longer want to become pregnant because I have no hope left it would ever work out.

Another big decision is I won't be going back to church. I use to go every Sunday but stopped last year when Samantha died. I haven't been since. I already knew I wouldn't but I hadn't really stated it to my husband.

We had a talk last night. No more getting pregnant, no more church.

I feel like there should be no more us. I don't feel like I love him anymore. I haven't been in love with him for a while. We'd only have sex because we were going through the motions of trying to get pregnant. There was no intimacy. It's like we're room mates sharing a bed.

Maybe the happiness I've been searching for these last 2 years doesn't include him anymore. Maybe it's time to move on.

This misery needs to end.

Clomid

I'm taking clomid this month. I can't say if this will be our last effort, but it feels that way right now. We'll see what happens.

It doesn't matter what I've accomplished
What degrees I've achieved
My body has failed me
The joke is on me

*********************************

As my birthday approaches, it's not something to celebrate.
It's just a reminder of all I've lost
No...
Of all that's been taken from me.

I wish I had died instead of Isabella.

If god wanted me to believe in him he wouldn't have killed all my babies.

Question

I thought I had my period 2 weeks ago but I had some bleeding just now and I don't know what to make of it. It started with a little spotting on Sunday but I didn't think much of it. I never have this much bleeding in the middle of a cycle. It's as if my period is starting but it doesn't make sense to be so early.

What is going on?

Rant!

People I'm "friends" with on FB complain about their kids a lot. Should I be an asshole and post this??

"Stop for a second and consider what you're complaining about and realize someone you know would gladly switch places with you to endure the so called misery you're "dealing with". If I complain about having nearly a dozen pregnancy losses I don't worry much about people wishing they had that. I really don't."

Another Meltdown

It's been a while since I last posted. I've been working a lot lately which is great because I've been racking up the patient contact hours and I'm getting paid for it but some of the people I work with really get under my skin. Who knew the EMS field was so full of low lifes?  I feel like a huge snob saying this but I think the majority of my disgust stems from the number of hook ups and knocked up employees floating around the place. Thursday night I went out with people for some drinks and nearly had a meltdown but saved most of it for when I got home and of course the next day at work. The reason for my meltdown was being around an employee who recently popped out a kid that was the product of a one night stand. Apparently some people are morally against abortion let alone condoms but it's ok to have sex with whoever you happen to go home with after a night of drinking. It makes me so mad to even look at her. 

So I was sad and cranky all day Friday with a significant number of crying spells. So professional, right?  One of the paramedics probably still thinks she made me cry even though I told her it was my own personal stuff. Of course people's concern and sad faces just made me want to cry some more. And it probably didn't help that I had my period all last week. Not that we really tried last month. Or that we'll try this month since my husband is away for work a bunch. 

So that's my latest sad story. What's new. 

I feel like if you're pregnant or had a baby in the last 4 years stay away from me. 

Confusion and a Question

Hmmm... So my period only lasted 3 days it seems. I didn't really notice anything out of the ordinary other than day 4 was light to the point of nonexistence and I haven't had really any bleeding since. That's not normal for me. So I'm now wondering if it wasn't a period at all but the infamous implantation bleeding I've read so much about. I think I've had it in the past (at this point it's hard to remember but I think I had it with Isabella 4 years ago - nearly to the day). The days I did bleed weren't excessively heavy or particularly light although thinking back they were a little lighter than usual.

Other confusing signs are I felt queasy for a good portion of yesterday but that might have been because I transported a patient who really stank - nasty stank, I almost gagged but managed to remain professional (I'm suppose to be an EMT...).

Then there's the snot. Every time I've been pregnant (and in the lead up to my period) I am a snot factory. I actually looked this up, it's called rhinitis of pregnancy. It is the technical term for stuffy nose. And usually it starts to go away once my period starts because I'm pretty sure it's tied to progesterone and/or estrogen levels which I'm sure we all know drop off in order for your period to start (because the dumb corpus luteum shuts off because there's no conception or because your hormones are too dumb to do their job). But here it is 7 days in and I'm still full of snot.

I'd also mention that I'm weepy, but I'm pretty emotional as it is so big deal, right?

So the question for anyone out there is: should I bother to do a test or just ride this out? I have one I could use, but then it would be gone and I'm so tired of wasting my money on them. (Info on websites for bulk/cheap HPT's is welcome.) I feel like I want to hold on to it for some weird reason I'm not sure how to explain.

So that's it. I'm going out to shovel snow.

Cruel Journey

This was the Bizarro comic for today. I thought it was funny since my husband sort of feels this way. Not that he has to worry much about it. I'm never pregnant for long.


I'm not going to take clomid this month. What's the point? Maybe I should look into that RE in Tennessee. It's time for last resorts. I'm nearing the end of this cruel journey. It's made me so tired.

Don't Believe

I don't believe in magic or god or hope or any of that crap. I had a lot of cramps this morning and started bleeding. Clomid makes for a short cycle if nothing else.

Why Would It Now?

So, it's been a while. A lot has happened in the last month. I've been seeing a therapist again after my melt down in December. I'm not convinced it's really helping but like in the past it's nice to have the hour a week of just me time.

I think the majority of the reason for my meltdown was the feeling it was coming at me from all sides. Pregnancy announcements and births all around. The jealousy monster got the best of me.

With the holidays past things settled down and I feel better. I had planned on trying again this month so I took clomid. I didn't tell my husband just to relieve any pressure from him, but did "jump" him on the appropriate days. It's now day 26 and don't feel like anything exceptional is happening. I wish that I would have miserable morning sickness as a clue, but I've never felt anything other than a twinge of nausea and the occasional metallic taste in my mouth. I thought about testing tomorrow morning just so I could get in for a blood test before the weekend but we're suppose to get a big storm overnight and into the morning so I probably wouldn't even go out. But then why waste a test. Even if it was positive, I couldn't even begin to hope or dream that it would work out.

Why would it now?