Huge Update!

So my divorce is official now, I'm just waiting to get the paper work so I can legally change my last name back.  It was a long time coming and quite frustrating it got dragged out as long as it did seeing as we've been apart since the beginning of May 2011.

I had quite the crazy year aside from the divorce stuff.  I had been seeing someone last year during the summer and we even lived together but when things fell apart I moved out.  I found an apartment and a roommate through a volunteer ambulance service I was on and that seemed like it would be a decent situation but that rapidly unraveled.  The kid (a 22 year old boy) turned out to be somewhat crazy and got a restraining order against me because I was fed up with him eating my food without asking or replacing it and I called him out on it.  He got threatening so I called the cops on him and they suggested he stay somewhere else that night.  That was a Friday.  Monday morning he got the restraining order against me just to get me back, so after working a 24 hour shift and getting home Tuesday late morning from some errands to take a nap I was escorted from the apartment by a police officer and told to go to the court house to take care of it.  Unfortunately it wasn't that simple and I luckily got the follow up court date for that Friday instead of a week from Tuesday to get it resolved.  In the meantime I had to find somewhere else to live!!  After calling around and even calling my ex-husband, my new boyfriend of only about 6 weeks was kind enough to take me in.  There were a few reasons why I didn't ask him first, living with the previous boyfriend didn't pan out well, we'd only been seeing each other 6 weeks, and he has 2 cats.  Don't get me wrong, I love cats, but I sure wasn't going to leave my cats at the apartment with the psycho while the restraining order crap got sorted out.  For that matter I wasn't going to go back to living there even if it did get sorted out!  So with police escort I went back to the apartment, gathered up some necessities and clothes and of course my cats and their stuff and hauled it all back to my boyfriend's house.  I literally had the clothes on my back when I left the apartment that morning.  Side story: I was so stressed out about the whole thing I came down with terrible tummy issues and had pretty much non-stop diarrhea from that afternoon into the night.  Unfortunately I had an accident and had to use the public bathroom in the library across from the court house to clean myself up and wash out my underwear.  So not only did I only have the clothes on my back I was now going commando!  Friday rolled around and the restraining order was vacated, but the whole ordeal was just terrible.  I ended up staying living with my boyfriend and paying rent of course and it works out pretty well because he works a lot and I do too so we don't see each other a ton so we don't get on each other's nerves.  He works overnight shifts at his job as a paramedic so 4 nights of the week he's not even home and it's funny because the nights when he is home we don't even sleep in the same bed.  He snores like a chainsaw and I apparently flail around a lot so it's just better for everyone to get a good night's sleep if we sleep separately.  One of his cats is very cuddly and she has adopted my bed as her preferred sleeping spot so every night I'm sandwiched between her and my Katie with purring in stereo!

Last winter I applied again to several PA schools and even branched out to places far away since it didn't really matter if I stuck around this area anymore.  I applied to UNE in Portland, ME and UC Davis in California (not far from Napa which would be dangerous!!).  I also applied to Albany Med again and surprisingly got an interview.  A few weeks later on March 1st I got my acceptance letter!  Albany was always my first choice so I was beyond thrilled!!!  School starts in 3 weeks!!  I'm so excited but also getting really nervous.

Things are going really well with my boyfriend, we have a lot in common and laugh a lot.  I brought him up to Maine a couple times to visit my mom and since it was his first time to Maine he had a blast.  I took him to all my favorite places and we went to the beach and got knocked around by the waves and had a ton of fun.

And now for the really big news:  On September 19th I found out I was pregnant.  It wasn't exactly planned and the timing is pretty horrible with school starting but after all I've been through not for one second did I consider anything but a wait and see attitude.  I'm now 17 weeks and 3 days along.  I'm due for a level 2 ultrasound on the 27th so I'll know how things are really going then.  I'll probably find out the sex too.  I've been pretty ambivalent about it because of all my losses, like maybe if I let myself get excited and get my hopes up then they'll get dashed again.  Also, my boyfriend isn't exactly excited about it.  I know it sounds a little crappy but he knows how rigorous PA school can be and is worried for me and getting through school. I can understand that.  He also had pretty much figured at 36 he'd never have kids so this is a huge deal.

I'm nervous about being pregnant and school and how I'll manage but I'm just taking it a day at a time.  I can't really make plans when I still don't feel 100% that it will work out.  Maybe after the level 2 ultrasound when I know more.

So after my pregnancy with Isabella, this is the longest I've been pregnant.  I'm starting to get a little bit of a belly and switched to wearing maternity pants so I'll be more comfortable.  I also got a Doppler so I can listen to the heart beat when ever I want and it's been steady around 160 bpm from what I can count.  It was around 180 when I had my first ultrasound on October 24th.

So what will be will be.  I'll try not to be such a stranger and keep things updated from here on out.

One Month Later

This past month has gone by sort of fast. I guess that's not really a bad thing. When time drags it really sucks. It's a month today since I heard the news. My baby is dead.

I spent the following week crying and feeling sorry for myself. Then tried to pull it all together for my EMT practical exam the following Saturday. We left the next day for Maine to visit my mom and spend a few days there. Not completely unexpected, my mom didn't talk to me about my latest loss and I didn't bother to bring it up. We got home in time for the last weekend in August and my husband to spend the weekend with friends playing craps at a casino. I got together with a friend and did fun things like sailing, drinking beer, eating wings, another day we went to a river to go biking and swim and another day after that we went kayaking and swimming at a nearby lake. I had fun in spite of the miserableness.

Labor Day weekend was low key. Hubby was sick so we didn't get together with anyone but we did have some yummy food. I went running twice (then promptly caught a cold). Then the Tuesday after Labor Day school started. I'm taking biochemistry and anatomy & physiology 2. I'm glad to have a light load this semester after a summer of organic chemistry (BTW, I got a B in ochem 2 same as ochem 1) and after taking 4 classes in the spring with EMT class on top of it.

I still feel adrift about what to do next. If there is a next to this journey. I know that we can't afford to adopt and I think the next person to suggest it to me should have to pony up the dough. I wonder if we just need a long break from it. I wonder if there's any merit to letting my body not deal with weird hormones for a while. I wish there was some explanation for why this keeps happening and if there's "nothing wrong with me" then what happened with Isabella that started this whole thing off in the first place?

I don't normally talk about this but since it's all wrapped together I might as well. I have no sex life. I'm sure as with others who are baby-lost and trying again and grieving a loss that sex has taken on a completely different meaning. I had my cold and before that my hubby was sick (Labor Day weekend) so what little physical contact we had, an occasional smooch or hug, has dwindled to nothing at all. It's sort of weird how little physical contact I've had recently since I don't get many hugs elsewhere. Good thing the cats don't care if I have a cold. They still snuggle me. So as far as the sex thing, it's become non-existent. We all know what happens when I have sex. I get pregnant and then I have a miscarriage. So sex is no longer the fun thing it use to be. It's tainted by what it brings about. My husband is weird about religion and crap so I'm not sure he would go for the condom route but at this point I don't want to really deal with them either. Maybe I need some other form of birth control that isn't hormonal but isn't used on one-night stands either. Suggestions welcome. I think baby-making needs to hit the back burner or be taken off the stove completely.

Speaking of religion... I don't think I've talked about it much on here but that has changed a lot for me recently. I grew up pretty non-religious. My mom took us to Congregational churches when we went which wasn't a lot. Later when I met my husband, a lifelong Catholic, I converted. I did the whole RCIA thing, I bought into it all and was a "good Catholic" for several years even though my liberal upbringing liked to jump out occasionally but for the most part there wasn't too much conflict. Then there was Samantha and I think she was the straw that broke the camel's back. We had just visited my husband's family for Easter and returned home to an ultrasound with no heartbeat. I didn't go to Mass that weekend because needless to say I was upset. I called the priest at our church to talk about what had happened and get his take on it. Of course he didn't have any answers for why God kept doing this to me. I haven't been to Mass since. I'm actually a little surprised/disappointed that he hasn't called in these 5 months to find out why we haven't been coming to Mass. I just can't get on board with it anymore. I know for a lot of people when your baby dies it's like a test of your faith and you become stronger in your faith or something which I obviously don't understand because it hasn't happened to me or like in my case, you turn away from it all. Ironically a lot of my turning away has to do with my husband's mother who is a total nutcase for the Catholic church so much so that she only goes to Mass at a traditional Latin Mass church and has basically said all other Catholic Masses aren't the true Mass, blah blah blah. I think she's crazy. Plus she's better than everyone else because she goes to the fancy Mass you can't understand. I know this because she has told my husband's friend who he's known since middle school that she can't attend his wedding because he and his fiancee have been living together and she can't support that. So much for the friendship your son has had with this guy for nearly 20 years. Just flush it down the toilet. So the whole Catholic thing isn't too appealing to me if that's the way it goes it the "true church". My husband went to visit his family alone this weekend (because I was too sick to go, bummer, I know!) and he went to Mass alone at the local non-crazy parish because, and I quote: "I didn't want my mom to ask questions." Whatever. I don't care if he goes or doesn't. I'm just not going to go anymore. I wonder what kind of craziness would have ensued if I had been with him and outright refused to go to Mass with him. Ha! The shit would have hit the fan, I'm sure. But as "we're a team" he hasn't been going to Mass since Easter, minus this past weekend's exception, so he thinks that "we should start going again". Umm, no.

I didn't intend on offending anyone and if I have, well, those are the blogging-breaks. But please don't post comments about what a horrible person I am for turning away from God/Jesus. I still have the comment moderation in effect so I just won't approve them. I probably won't even read the whole thing before I delete them so don't waste your time. This is probably why I don't post about religion on here often. I don't feel the need to defend my beliefs or lack there of to other people.

So that's it. I think that's enough for now.

When it Rains, It Pours

This is the worst week. It might not be so bad if it were only for one thing or another, but a few more are piled on each year. I took my cat to the vet today, Krista has a heart problem and now the outlook is getting worse for her. She has maybe a year, or two if she's lucky, to live. At least she is blissfully unaware of the misery to come. Which is better? Knowing that when she's only 3 years and 2 months old she will die sometime soon, or having a beautiful calico named Sasha and one morning when she's 3 years and 8 months old she drops dead on the kitchen floor. Neither are better, the question should be: Which is worse.

It’s Mother’s Day this weekend. Just 2 days after the 2 year anniversary of Isabella’s death. Not to mention that when I was still happily pregnant with her I was told by my f-i-l that I would not be allowed to celebrate Mother’s Day since I was not yet a mother. I had a baby growing inside me, but it didn’t matter. Every time I think of what he said my blood boils, what a slap in the face, it’s almost like he knew she would soon be dead and I would be torn to shreds. And he didn’t give a shit.

I’m going to Carol’s Mother’s Day walk on Saturday, it’s the only bright point of the whole week. As sad as it is to gather and remember our precious babies, it seems like the only way I can “celebrate” being a mother. I'm actually going to try to raise some money for it too, I have a donation promised already.

I went for my blood test yesterday. It was negative. My doctor is on vacation until the 11th, so I stopped taking the injections and prometrium. I could talk to the “on-call” doctor but any other time I’ve had to deal with someone other than my doctor it’s a lesson in futility and frustration. My own doctor is the only one who knows anything at all when it comes to my treatment, and he’s the only one who treats me nicely or respectfully.

I feel completely lost now. I don’t really know where I am in my cycle but it doesn’t matter, I’m in no mood to try. I don’t even know if I still want to have a baby. This is my Everest. I want to keep going because that’s all I’ve known for almost 3 years now, even if it kills me or tears apart my marriage. I feel so beaten down.

I got home early from my business trip, I’m glad that’s over. But getting home just brought all the getting pregnant issues back to the foreground. I just have bad luck, I’ve been pregnant 5 maybe 6 times, but these last few were the worst. I should never have gotten my hopes up, I should know better.

Or should I just give up?

Sleep in Seattle

All packed and ready to go. I'm excited for my trip, I have some fun stuff lined up for this weekend in Seattle.

I'm going to miss my hubby and kitties, but hey, I might actually get some sleep while I'm away since I won't be crowded and crawled all over in the night. :)

Now it's time for bed.

Optimism

Ok, this is Post #100!

I had my meeting last night, I wasn’t expecting anyone to come because I’ve been scattered this past month and didn’t advertise at all. My therapist posted a couple fliers around the hospital and that was it. But one woman did show up. She had her loss about 15 years ago and wanted to find a group so she could lend support to other people going through the same thing. So that was really nice that she came. I told her that I’m planning on holding off on any more meetings until I get more interest, it will just take some time. I’m not sure how much I’ll get done in the next month because I’ll be traveling for work, but I’ll figure it out. Next week this time I’ll be flying into Seattle.

I got all kinds of awesome stuff from Carol yesterday, so I'm going to work on the sorely needed packet upgrade for the hospital in my area. I'm excited about it.

Regarding the "favorites" thing from my previous post, I wanted to elaborate a bit more. After we got back from vacation and on the cusp of renewed baby-making efforts, my husband said to me that he wasn't sure he still wanted to have a baby. He didn't say it in a way that caused me great alarm, but still. What the heck have we been doing for the past 2 years and 8 months! I asked why not and he said because I would love the baby more than him and that with "timed intercourse" he felt like all I needed him for is his sperm. And that he feels like I love our cats more than him. Unfortunately there's some truth to that because we rarely have sex just for the fun of it. And I do pay a lot of attention to the cats. I told him that he's my favorite person and I gave him a big hug and a raspberry on the neck to lighten the mood. (He said I'm his favorite person, too!) I said that I would still love him but I would also love a new baby just in a different way. As for the cats, well, I really love our cats. Especially Katie (don't tell Krista, although she has been more snuggly lately). I think it's because Sasha died and I want to make sure I get all the hugs and snuggles I can because the night before Sasha died we totally ignored her and it makes me really sad that I didn't hug her up as much as I could that last night she was alive. So that's the favorite person story with a little extra on the side. And really, who else do you marry if not your favorite person? (Hurray for Vermont and Iowa!)

I'm starting the new protocol today, I hope it will help things along as well as the HSG helps some too, so I feel like we're starting with a clean slate and I have a new optimism. It's been a long time since I've had that.

Easter for Favorites

This was the best Easter in a long time. My husband and I stayed home instead of going to visit his family. It was the first time he has ever spent Easter without them. We made the obligatory calls to wish them a Happy Easter and I felt an inkling of a guilt trip with every “we’ll miss you at dinner” we received. I didn’t miss the stress and fighting that accompanies a trip to my in-laws’.

We joked that we were spending Easter with our favorites as he’s my favorite person and I’m his. This was something we came up with a few weeks ago when we were being silly and it’s sort of caught on. (We also spent it with our favorite kitties, alas Sasha is buried out back.) We went to Mass Saturday night so we got to sleep in on Sunday morning. We ate our yummy Paska bread and some colored eggs for breakfast and then commenced dinner preparations. We really should have had half a dozen or so people join us because we had way too much food for only two people. We had meat stuffed manicotti to start, then glazed ham, kielbasa with horseradish, green bean casserole and mashed potatoes. For dessert we had carrot cake. It was so yummy. Even though it was only the two of us it was a really festive time without the stress of entertaining. We ate in the dining room on our wedding china, drank from our fancy crystal glasses and had plenty of room to spread out serving platters and bowls when we normally would serve straight from the pot to the plate. After we went for a 3 mile walk to burn off some holiday calories.


I’m getting my hopes up for this month, I can’t help it. It’s only day 12 so I have a while to go before I’ll know anything. I probably haven’t even ovulated yet, which is fine, more time for the swimmers to get in position. Wednesday I’ll start taking my injections and progesterone. I’m pretty proud of myself for telling my doctor what I wanted to do rather than defer to him or do nothing at all.

(Hurray for my 100th Post!)

Note: I miscounted, it's #99.

Getting Caught Up

It’s been a super long time since I’ve posted and I still haven’t read anyone else’s blogs yet, I’m just starting to get to the bottom of my pile of emails and everything else since getting back to work.

Here is a quick update on what I’ve been up to in the last few weeks:

Friday, March 20th my husband and I got up very early to fly to Miami. We spent two nights there, went out to dinner for my birthday, went to the beach, and caught up on some sleep. Sunday, March 22nd we set sail on our cruise. It was wonderful! We had an awesome room, ate delicious food, and had fun with our friends who also came on the cruise. I had a couple massages at the spa on the ship, we did a cave tubing and zip line excursion in Belize and an all-day beach club on Cozumel. There was a bowling alley on the ship and we had fun there, the movement of the ship can make the ball roll off course at odd moments, but it worked out well for me because I bowled a 170 in the last game of the night! The only bad thing was I got a bad cold toward the end of the trip and lost my voice. We got back to Miami on Sunday, March 29th and flew home that day. It was nice to get back and see the kitties, they missed us a bunch.

Because I was coughing and sniffling and had lost my voice I didn’t go to work at all last week, so Katie was happy to have me around to snuggle all day. My first day back was this Monday, I had over 200 emails. I was also a huge slacker all week on my personal emails so I had a ton to sort through there as well.

In other news our washer finally kicked the bucket, it had been acting up for a while and then when I did some laundry when we got home it started leaking oil/grease on our clothes, so that was it. We got this washer only 6 years ago when we bought our house and at the time we weren’t told that front loaders needed high-efficiency detergent. When we had a service person come to look at it and we were told that they learned about 3 years ago that the higher foaming regular detergent was capable of ruining the bearings and then you get the mess we had. How nice. My husband’s grandparents have had their washer and drier for 30 years. They just don’t make them like they use to. So we finally got a new washer yesterday after having some plumbing done to make more room in the closet where the washer is. The new washers are bigger, and couldn’t fit with the drain pipe sticking way out. It was nice to wash some clothes. (My husband took a couple loads to a laundry mat last week to get us through until now.)

Now that we’re back from vacation we’re officially off our break. I started my period last Thursday and called my OBGYN on Friday to discuss how to proceed. I was contacted before my vacation by someone who also has antiphospholipid antibody syndrome (APS) and what she did to manage it, so I told my doctor about that and that’s what we’re going to do. Also, when I went to the specialist back in January she suggested doing the dye test (HSG) so he asked about that and why not, so I’m going in for that on Friday. So the plan is to start taking progesterone and blood thinners on the 14th day of the cycle and see what happens.

I was sort of going back and forth in my head a little about going all out this month because I’m scheduled to travel to the Seattle area for work later this month, basically for most of the “two week wait” time period. So I worried about having to travel with syringes and working 2nd shift out there which pretty much equates to a 3rd shift here, yuck, and what that might do to my body/sleep cycles in general as well as the stress of travel and living in a hotel for almost 2 weeks. But then I thought, if we’re going to try at all this month, I might as well do the whole sha-bang because what if I do get pregnant, even without the HSG (which supposedly a lot of women get pregnant the month they have that done), and I don’t take the blood thinners and I end up miscarrying again. That would suck. So it’s full steam ahead. HSG, blood thinners and progesterone here I come.

I think that’s everything. Now I’ll start catching up on others’ blogs.

Frazzled

What a crazy day. I can't believe I'm still up, I wanted to go to bed hours ago.

There are a handful of thing freaking me out but I'm so frazzled I couldn't string a sentence together to go into it right now.

Even though my husband made me a little crazy tonight, he's away on a business trip and I miss him. I'm glad I have Katie snuggled on my lap and Krista snuggled on the bed nearby. It's better than being completely alone.

Just Like That

I called the priest at my new parish today. I told him about my losses and that I haven't been going to Mass and that I don't know what the point of it is anymore since I've prayed my butt off only to be disappointed time and again. He was very understanding and comforting. None of the "God's will" stuff that I've come to dread hearing ever again. I mentioned that there was no support group in the area for pregnancy loss and that I was thinking of starting one. He immediately said what a great idea that would be and offered up the parish center for a meeting place. How amazing! I didn't even have to ask. So many emotions flooded my senses, relief and joy and sheer anxiety over how I will ever pull this off.

The dead baby closet door is opening and I've stuck a toe out.

I'm still pretty angry with God, though, but it was nice talking to my priest and him being compassionate, so I think I will go to church this weekend. He is really a sweet heart, which is why we decided to join that parish. I'm glad I called.

He suggested having my first meeting mid-February to give it time in the bulletin for people to find out about it. I better get to work.

---

Tomorrow I get to sleep in, if the cats will let me.

Time Slipping By

I have an appointment next week to see a specialist. I wish it was sooner. I really hate the passage of time, I feel like life is slipping by me.

I talked to wonderful Carol on the phone last night. Even though I cried for most of the conversation it was really nice to listen to what she had to say and how different it is from what others say to me.

Originally we were going to talk about what I would need to do to start a group in my "middle of no where" city. And we did a little, but mostly we caught up on all the awfulness that has been going on. It was nice to be validated and not argued with. (Thanks again, Carol, it meant a lot to me!)

It feels like a bit of an overwhelming undertaking, but I need to do something with myself. I don’t know if it’s just that it’s crappy winter, the general downtrodden-ness of my life lately, hating my job, having no causes since the American Diabetes Association pulled out of our area and my church closed in July and I did so much for both. Not to mention that I really truly don’t have any friends. I have a couple people, but we don’t talk that often and they live far away. And one of them told me outright that I’m a super big bummer. I don’t really have anyone local. I know I need to work on that. I’ve just been living my hermit life with my husband and 2 cats for so long I’ve forgotten how to be social. But really I just need something to distract me from my reproductive woes. I’m tired of being sad all the time, I’m tired of crying. I can’t even remember what I was like before ALL THIS happened. I can’t remember what life was like, back then. That’s how long this has been going on. 876 days to be exact, since we first started trying to get pregnant.

So maybe if I started a group I could find people who understand me, who’ve been in the same place I’ve been. Maybe I could make some new friends that live closer than an hour away. Because were I live, it’s an hour to anything.

With time slipping by so fast an hour is precious.

Missing Sasha

Today is the 3 year anniversary of Sasha's death. I still miss her so much. I won't apologize to you non-cat-people, or folks that think a pet is just a pet, she was a part of our family. She was the best cat ever, even the things she did to get in trouble were adorable because she was so smart, she could open cabinets and get into anything she set her mind to. (Which is why we have latches on lots of things in the kitchen.) I swear she would check the bedroom doors to see if she could push them open to snuggle on the bed all day.

I got Sasha and Katie in Drummondville, QC at a pet store. I know that a lot of folks are against pet store animals because of puppy mills and all that, but I just went in to see if they had any cute critters, just to look. I wasn't planning on taking 2 adorable kittens home. But there they were, Sasha was the most adorable little fuzzy calico bundle, she really caught my eye. I got to hold her and she mewed in my lap in a cute little kitten voice. Katie was a fuzzy little bundle too, wearing her tuxedo, and so adorable, but Sasha sealed the deal. At the store there were 3 kittens, Sasha, Katie and their brother. He was already spoken for (I wonder if he wasn't if I would have taken him too!!), he looked just like Katie, so much so they had to check to make sure she was the girl when I decided to get them. It was April 13, 2002.

Sasha is so pooped out, but Katie is taking a moment to clean her tummy.

Katie stuffed Sasha in the couch cushions...

So precious when they snuggled together...

I was dating a guy who lived in Drummondville (our relationship was on the way out so this provided a distraction) we took them back to his apartment and set them up with a litter box and food, we played and played and then they napped and napped. I took them home later that weekend, snuck them across the border. I always joked that Sasha and Katie were "illegal aliens". The boyfriend and I broke up, and then I started dating my future husband. I knew he was a keeper by how my kitties took to him. It's lucky for him that he's a cat person.

Katie sidled in to snuggle up with Sasha.

My husband (boyfriend at the time) was getting his masters part time through a distance learning program while working so he would watch his classes online or on videos FedEx'd to him. Sasha would love to sit with him while he worked. When we bought our house she would watch the videos with him and then sit with him at his computer while he did homework and if he got up to get a snack or drink she would follow him down to the kitchen and then back up to the office. It was like she got her masters in Electrical and Computer Engineering too.

Every night they would be locked in the (furnished) basement and every morning my husband would let them out. Katie would immediately run up to snuggle with me in bed and Sasha would hang out with my husband for a bit and then come up to see me. She stretched up on his leg, rubbed against her favorite corner and then that was it. She dropped to the floor, kicked a few times, went limp and was gone. My husband yelled to me and I ran down to see her on the floor, I ran to get my phone and call the vet, we rushed her to the animal hospital, but it was too late, there was nothing they could do. We took her home and buried her outside Katie's window later that day. November 4, 2005.

>^..^<

Sasha Marie

March 2, 2002 - November 4, 2005

Today Was a Good Day

I feel really good today. It was a glorious day outside. It wasn't too hot, the sun was shining, there was a nice breeze and I took advantage of it.

Since I haven't been going to work, I've been able to sleep in some in the morning, which works out well since I can't get to sleep at night so I'm still pretty tired when my husband's alarm goes off. So I got up, started some laundry and watched a little TV. I opened all the windows and the nice breeze brought the wonderful summer smells into the house. I know that Katie and Krista like the windows open because they can sit in them and watch the birds and bugs outside better.

I've been exercising every day since last Thursday and decided I had to do something outside since it was so nice out. So I went for a bike ride down to the little footbridge over the Housatonic River in Lenox/Lee. It's about 10 miles round trip with several decent hills. My husband and I rode it on Saturday so I felt confident that I could make it again. We've had some more rain since Saturday so there were some large puddles in flat parts of the dirt road, parts where the road was pretty beat up by streams crossing the road and one stream that was flowing pretty well, I didn't see it until it was too late and ended up crossing it at the narrowest part, but also the deepest and rode through about a foot of water. I didn't mind getting a little wet.

When I got home I took a shower and got ready to go to my appointment with a nurse practitioner who is going to monitor my medication, then I had an appointment with my usual therapist. On the way there I stopped to return a bunch of bottles and cans that I rustled up in our garage when I cleaned it out yesterday. It's easy to just put them in my trunk and then they're there when I'm out at the store.

So I'm suppose to increase the amount of Zoloft that I take and take it at night now instead of in the morning. Hopefully that will make sleeping better.

I talked about work a lot at my appointment with my therapist. I feel a lot better since I haven't been going and that my husband isn't expecting me to go back to work in the next couple weeks. That is a relief. Maybe I shouldn't be an engineer anymore.

Tomorrow I start the partial hospitalization program. It's suppose to last for 2 weeks, although it's all voluntary so I could stop going sooner if I don't think it's working out. It will be interesting to see how it goes.

When I got home from my appointments my husband had starting cooking our dinner out back on the grill, we have a screened in porch so we let our cats out there to watch the bugs fly by. Today a couple moths where in the porch and Katie chomped them. She ate one before my husband could get the camera, but here she is chasing down the second one.


So today was a good day. I just hope I can get to sleep better tonight since I actually have to get up in the morning to be somewhere.

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Now that I'm done goofing around with the video, I really need to get to bed!

A Wednesday

I find it hard to know what to do with myself. I feel like I should be doing something, but I can't get myself going. I've been thinking about making some bread, but I need to go to the store to get yeast and more flour. It seems like such a long drive, too much effort. Even writing right now, I don't know what to say. I've been watching movies, TV, just doing nothing. I don't feel like eating. I don't sleep well and when I do I have strange dreams, but I can't remember what they're about when I wake up.

The highlight of my day today was when Krista came and snuggled with me on the couch. I was lying down and she smushed me with her paws and turned every which way to smush me all over. She would lie down only to get up again and smush some more. This is a rare treat because she's not a snuggly type of cat. Occasionally it builds up in her and it's like she has to get the snuggles out. You just have to be in the right place to receive them. Today I was.

I worry about where my life is heading right now. How long I will feel this way, what I will do with myself. Where I go from here.

It's raining out.

Wasted Weekend

This weekend was almost a total waste. I didn't get anything done and it's no suprise because I'm so unmotivated. My weekend started Thursday night because I have every other Friday off from work. Thursday was also my anniversary with my husband. We've been married 4 years now. It really sucks that we don't have kids yet. We stayed home and had a delicious meal and ate way too much. Then as with birthdays, every family member imaginable called to wish us a happy anniversary. I can think of other things I would rather do on my anniversary than talk to everyone in my husband's family all night on the phone.

So Friday, even though it was an off day for us, my husband went into work to get a presentation ready to send out, it was due out that day and truthfully I didn't mind him not being home so that was ok. Although he didn't get home until 7pm. So I watched some TV off the DVR that I hadn't gotten to watch yet, I watched a movie, I read some and took a nap. And I also did some laundry.

Saturday was half lazy, half busy. My sister and her boyfriend came to visit and we all went to Tanglewood for the Prairie Home Companion show. It was hot and sticky and it rained a little bit, but we've seen a lot worse on the lawn at Tanglewood so that was ok. But yet again, I didn't get anything done.

Sunday morning we went to Mass, then grocery shopping, got home and had a small breakfast then at noon I took a nap... until about 3pm. I did more laundry, cleaned up the kitchen a bit and had leftovers for dinner and then it was time for bed. Back to work this morning.

It seems like during the weekend, I don't feel like doing anything, I'm tired from the week, it's too hot and I don't sleep well, I'm just cranky in general. Then this morning comes and all I can think about are all the things I should have done. All the little projects that I should have worked on. Fixing the screens on the back porch, tons and tons of work in the garden (jungle), cleaning out the tupperware cupboard, washing the litter boxes, cleaning out the garage, and the list goes on. I put vinyl tile in the bathroom back in February and I thought then that I would finish painting the trim when it got nice out so I could open the windows and not have the paint stink in the house. When is that going to get done?

I guess I'm just tired of being tired all the time. I don't remember the last time that I had a really good night's sleep. I think it was before my husband and I shared a bed, not that he's not nice to snuggle next too, but it's not the same as having the bed all to yourself, no one to wake you up in the morning or for middle of the night blood tests. Then there are the cats. Ever since Sasha died on November 4, 2005 we let Katie sleep with us, they use to both be locked in the basement at night, which is furnished and has comfy places to sleep. We didn't want Katie to be alone that first night and we were so sad and wanted to have her close to us. So she sleeps by my shoulder which isn't much of a bother to me, but it's a bother to her if I have to get up in the night to use the bathroom. Krista is the replacement cat. We got her in April 2006 so Katie would have a buddy, but there was no replacing Sasha. Katie hates Krista, that's another story. Krista had her own room for a while until she was more familiar with our house and the location of her litter box, then she started being locked in the basement just at night. Now she sleeps with us too. It was rough for a while because she's still very kitten-like and doesn't sit still for long. Plus Katie would hiss at her if she got too close. The sleeping part isn't too bad, it's the getting up in the morning. Katie wakes up when the sun comes up, which isn't a problem in the winter, but with the sun rising at 5:20 this morning, and it actually gets light out earlier than that, she wants to get up and get scratches and snuggle under the covers and yell in our faces and purr. This is all very cute on a work day when the alarm is going off anyway, but not on a weekend when you want to sleep in.

Sasha and Katie were sisters and always very snuggly.

Krista knows not to get too close to Katie.

So long story short: How do I get more sleep and get more stuff done? How do I get motivated again? I feel like I haven't really accomplished anything in the last couple years. I'm so stagnate. I can't let go of the notion that Isabella should be here right now. She would have been 9 months old today. I can't let go of Sean, and that I should still be pregnant with him. I would be in my 21st week by now. I feel like I'm waiting for my life to start. How sad is that when I'm 30 years old?