Getting on with Life

My soon-to-be-ex-husband has been weird.  A week ago Sunday he sent me a big long email basically asking if I left him for another man because I don't seem too upset about everything so obviously I must have found solace with someone else.  The whole thing is hard of course but since it's what I want and not what he wants then wouldn't it make sense that I wouldn't be having as hard a time as he is?  Frankly I'm a lot happier now, it's been such a relief to not have to deal with his family especially with Father's Day and his mom's birthday this past weekend.  But the weird thing is after I moved my cats to my new place he apparently emailed my mom and my sister about stuff and mentioned about the cats to them.  I think it's creepy that he's emailing them.  Maybe he wants to have some sort of connection with me still or he maybe he just can't talk to his family about it since he's probably now an outcast for being on the divorce track.  I'm pretty sure he went to visit his family this past weekend (for Father's Day and his mom's bday) but when I asked him about it because I wanted to stop by the house he was shifty about saying where he'd be.  He doesn't want me in the house when he's not there but I finally convinced him to stop being so weird and let me have access to my shit!  So I told him I was going to get some clothes and he texts me Monday that when I said clothes I must have meant the camping stuff since I took that.  A while back he said he didn't care about that stuff so I figured I'd take it while I was there and I'm going camping for my friend's wedding at the end of July since I can't really afford to stay in a hotel for 2-3 nights.  Ugg!  I really need to get the paper work going so we can get this over with.  I've sort of been dragging my feet because I've been working a lot and then the rest of the time I'm out having fun and enjoying summer and don't want to deal with dreary divorce crap.  I'll have to work on it tomorrow.  Is it totally horrible that I just want to get on with my life?  I feel bad for him, but it really isn't like this came out of the blue.  I think in March/April when I didn't get pregnant again and had a really weird short cycle things just snapped for me and I decided I didn't want to try anymore.  Then it was like why am I still with him because that was really all we had in common at that point.  What kind of marriage is it when you only have sex to conceive and it's more of a chore than anything else.  I was no longer attracted to him either and with his family and religious stuff, it was hanging by a thread for a while.  I don't know how to explain it to people, no one questions you when you say you're getting married but you get the 3rd degree when you say you're getting divorced.  Have you ever heard someone say: "Why are you getting married???  Why not just stay the way things are??"

This Misery Needs to End

Things didn't work out with the clomid. My period started really early too so the whole month was a mess. It crystallized some things for me and I'm making some tough decisions. I haven't been happy for a long time. I quit my engineering job, I went back to school, I applied for PA school, I became an EMT. But the whole while I still wasn't happy because I couldn't have a baby. My body wouldn't cooperate. I'm realizing now that for the last year or more I haven't even wanted to have a baby anymore. I just want to prove I can. So I can say with full confidence now I have given up. I no longer want to become pregnant because I have no hope left it would ever work out.

Another big decision is I won't be going back to church. I use to go every Sunday but stopped last year when Samantha died. I haven't been since. I already knew I wouldn't but I hadn't really stated it to my husband.

We had a talk last night. No more getting pregnant, no more church.

I feel like there should be no more us. I don't feel like I love him anymore. I haven't been in love with him for a while. We'd only have sex because we were going through the motions of trying to get pregnant. There was no intimacy. It's like we're room mates sharing a bed.

Maybe the happiness I've been searching for these last 2 years doesn't include him anymore. Maybe it's time to move on.

This misery needs to end.

Eat, Drink and Be Merry

Yet another whirlwind month has pasted. It's good and bad. Here are the updates:

School:

I'm only taking two classes this semester so it's pretty easy after a summer of organic chemistry - pure misery. I'm taking biochemistry at a nearby 4 year college and anatomy & physiology 2 at the community college in my town where I've taken most of my other classes. I've had two tests so far in A&P2 and I've gotten a 96 and a 98, so I'd say I'm doing pretty well. It's harder to say about biochemistry since we only had our first test this past week and I haven't gotten my grade yet. I've found with taking classes at multiple college settings that it varies greatly in how they test or prepare you for those tests. I studied my butt off on the amino acid structures and abbreviations but not as much on other things so there were a few questions that I had absolutely no clue on. Bummer. We'll find out on Tuesday how I did.

Patient Contact Hours:

I have been working at my local OBGYN office because my own doctor got me in after suggesting I go back to school to be a doctor. I decided on taking the PA route and he helped get me in at his office to rack up some hours required for PA programs. I went in yesterday to hand out some thank-you notes and a couple dozen fresh baked cookies to thank them for their time and allowing me to work there. I got to chat with my doctor a bit as well. It's been a while since I've been in the office. I haven't worked since the beginning of September. Right after Labor day I came down with a bit of a cold and school had started and then the following week the NP I worked with went on vacation for 3 weeks. So I didn't go in so I could focus on school and have some time for myself to decompress after ochem. Then the week she was back my hubby and I went on vacation. While she was away I decided that I've learned all I can from the office and should find a new situation since OBGYN is such a narrow part of the medical field. So....

EMT status:

I passed my practical exam in August but only found out a month later. I've heard that other people in my class have already passed the written exam, the final step between me and an EMT certification. Yet again I dragged my feet a bit and then with our vacation I put it off some more. I have scheduled my exam for November 6th. Wish me luck.

Vacation:

My hubby and I went to Martha's Vineyard for an amazing vacation 2 years ago and met a wonderful mother and daughter traveling together. We've kept in touch with Christmas cards and Facebook and we were invited to the daughter's wedding on October 16th in Santa Barbara, CA. We waffled on whether or not to go for a while but decided it was the best excuse to go to California and when else might we see these wonderful people we spent so much time with on a long weekend 2 years ago. It was amazing. We decided to fly out a week early to have our own vacation, then hit the wedding and fly home the next day. We drove from LAX up the coast over 2 days then spent 4 nights in Napa. Ahhh.... it was heaven. Every day we tasted wine, every day we had beautiful weather, every day was amazing. Then on Thursday we drove to Yosemite, it was crazy beautiful! We only spent the day so we could get up early on Friday and drive to Santa Barbara. I assume since we were coming from such a distance that was the reason why we were invited to the rehearsal dinner on Friday. It was so great to see our old friends and since the daughter getting married is of the personality that just draws you in, all her friends and family were equally welcoming and friendly. After that night it was like we were all friends for years. The wedding was so elegant to the point of being extravagant. Absolutely beautiful. We couldn't have wished for a better vacation. It was almost sad to head home.

At a vineyard in Sonoma

At Yosemite

Catching up with old friends at the rehearsal dinner:

And now back to reality, Reproductive status:

Back on August 13th I took misoprostol to induce miscarriage. Everything passed by the next morning, I had a day or two of bleeding and then nothing for a couple days and then it started up again for about 2 weeks. A week or so went by and I started bleeding again - for 3 weeks. I was glad it at least stopped for our vacation. The week before last I was feeling crampy again and finally this past Monday I started bleeding again, but unlike the light bleeding I had before this was a torrent. It seemed almost more than a regular period, but better than the trickle I had before. I can't imagine this could keep up for 3 weeks. I briefly spoke to my doctor about next steps. He mentioned an article in this week's New England Journal of Medicine about recurrent miscarriage and how he thought about me while reading it. He mentioned an hysteroscopy. I asked about the hot flashes I've had all week. I didn't get to talk to him for long so I later sent him an email asking about my next steps. My buddy Margaret suggested that I do everything at once. Clomid, progesterone, lovenox, baby aspirin. Even though I've tested negative twice this year for antiphospholipid antibody syndrome, it's possible that my levels went up after they tested me at the end of July when I first found out the last time I was pregnant. I asked my doctor about all this and mentioned how my last RE seems to have exhausted all his options with me. I've mentioned before - my local OBGYN is notoriously slow responding to email. I'd rather that medium over a voicemail and phone call back any day though. Regardless, I don't want to actively try this month. My hubby and I have decided to go to his family's for Thanksgiving this year and after two losses this year I feel especially negative toward them even though they have no clue I was even pregnant. It's completely irrational but with every loss it just brings back the hurt they inflicted after I lost Isabella, even though they apologized and haven't said anything hurtful since it lingers. I can't forget. I don't think I can forgive. So in my short conversation with my OBGYN I mentioned that I will be drinking heavily over Thanksgiving just to get through being around his family. :P So I'm waiting to hear what he has to say. Maybe we'll try next month. I don't know. The odds look worse and worse for me. And this article about recurrent miscarriage doesn't instill me with any hope. From the little I could read online without subscribing, the woman in the study had had a live birth before she had multiple miscarriages. That's not my case at all. I want to hear about someone who had 15 miscarriages at varying gestations and then went on to have a live birth. That would give me some hope. Does anyone have a story like that? Please let me know. I don't want to be the woman who never was able. Who kept futilely trying. I want to know when will it be my turn, not if.

Until then I will eat and drink and try to be merry. At least my hubby cooks me good food.

One Month Later

This past month has gone by sort of fast. I guess that's not really a bad thing. When time drags it really sucks. It's a month today since I heard the news. My baby is dead.

I spent the following week crying and feeling sorry for myself. Then tried to pull it all together for my EMT practical exam the following Saturday. We left the next day for Maine to visit my mom and spend a few days there. Not completely unexpected, my mom didn't talk to me about my latest loss and I didn't bother to bring it up. We got home in time for the last weekend in August and my husband to spend the weekend with friends playing craps at a casino. I got together with a friend and did fun things like sailing, drinking beer, eating wings, another day we went to a river to go biking and swim and another day after that we went kayaking and swimming at a nearby lake. I had fun in spite of the miserableness.

Labor Day weekend was low key. Hubby was sick so we didn't get together with anyone but we did have some yummy food. I went running twice (then promptly caught a cold). Then the Tuesday after Labor Day school started. I'm taking biochemistry and anatomy & physiology 2. I'm glad to have a light load this semester after a summer of organic chemistry (BTW, I got a B in ochem 2 same as ochem 1) and after taking 4 classes in the spring with EMT class on top of it.

I still feel adrift about what to do next. If there is a next to this journey. I know that we can't afford to adopt and I think the next person to suggest it to me should have to pony up the dough. I wonder if we just need a long break from it. I wonder if there's any merit to letting my body not deal with weird hormones for a while. I wish there was some explanation for why this keeps happening and if there's "nothing wrong with me" then what happened with Isabella that started this whole thing off in the first place?

I don't normally talk about this but since it's all wrapped together I might as well. I have no sex life. I'm sure as with others who are baby-lost and trying again and grieving a loss that sex has taken on a completely different meaning. I had my cold and before that my hubby was sick (Labor Day weekend) so what little physical contact we had, an occasional smooch or hug, has dwindled to nothing at all. It's sort of weird how little physical contact I've had recently since I don't get many hugs elsewhere. Good thing the cats don't care if I have a cold. They still snuggle me. So as far as the sex thing, it's become non-existent. We all know what happens when I have sex. I get pregnant and then I have a miscarriage. So sex is no longer the fun thing it use to be. It's tainted by what it brings about. My husband is weird about religion and crap so I'm not sure he would go for the condom route but at this point I don't want to really deal with them either. Maybe I need some other form of birth control that isn't hormonal but isn't used on one-night stands either. Suggestions welcome. I think baby-making needs to hit the back burner or be taken off the stove completely.

Speaking of religion... I don't think I've talked about it much on here but that has changed a lot for me recently. I grew up pretty non-religious. My mom took us to Congregational churches when we went which wasn't a lot. Later when I met my husband, a lifelong Catholic, I converted. I did the whole RCIA thing, I bought into it all and was a "good Catholic" for several years even though my liberal upbringing liked to jump out occasionally but for the most part there wasn't too much conflict. Then there was Samantha and I think she was the straw that broke the camel's back. We had just visited my husband's family for Easter and returned home to an ultrasound with no heartbeat. I didn't go to Mass that weekend because needless to say I was upset. I called the priest at our church to talk about what had happened and get his take on it. Of course he didn't have any answers for why God kept doing this to me. I haven't been to Mass since. I'm actually a little surprised/disappointed that he hasn't called in these 5 months to find out why we haven't been coming to Mass. I just can't get on board with it anymore. I know for a lot of people when your baby dies it's like a test of your faith and you become stronger in your faith or something which I obviously don't understand because it hasn't happened to me or like in my case, you turn away from it all. Ironically a lot of my turning away has to do with my husband's mother who is a total nutcase for the Catholic church so much so that she only goes to Mass at a traditional Latin Mass church and has basically said all other Catholic Masses aren't the true Mass, blah blah blah. I think she's crazy. Plus she's better than everyone else because she goes to the fancy Mass you can't understand. I know this because she has told my husband's friend who he's known since middle school that she can't attend his wedding because he and his fiancee have been living together and she can't support that. So much for the friendship your son has had with this guy for nearly 20 years. Just flush it down the toilet. So the whole Catholic thing isn't too appealing to me if that's the way it goes it the "true church". My husband went to visit his family alone this weekend (because I was too sick to go, bummer, I know!) and he went to Mass alone at the local non-crazy parish because, and I quote: "I didn't want my mom to ask questions." Whatever. I don't care if he goes or doesn't. I'm just not going to go anymore. I wonder what kind of craziness would have ensued if I had been with him and outright refused to go to Mass with him. Ha! The shit would have hit the fan, I'm sure. But as "we're a team" he hasn't been going to Mass since Easter, minus this past weekend's exception, so he thinks that "we should start going again". Umm, no.

I didn't intend on offending anyone and if I have, well, those are the blogging-breaks. But please don't post comments about what a horrible person I am for turning away from God/Jesus. I still have the comment moderation in effect so I just won't approve them. I probably won't even read the whole thing before I delete them so don't waste your time. This is probably why I don't post about religion on here often. I don't feel the need to defend my beliefs or lack there of to other people.

So that's it. I think that's enough for now.

Not One

Not one single card.

I mean, what should I have expected?

Out of all the people who knew I was pregnant (IRL) I didn't get one single condolence or sympathy card.

I guess after 10 people get bored trying to console anyone.

My Mom is Crazy

I'm having some issues with my mom. This actually goes back a few months but it was exacerbated this weekend.

Some back story:

I call my mom on occasion to say hi and tell her some news like grades from school or any general goings on in my life. She only has a cell phone, like me, so when I call she could be anywhere doing anything. That's usually the case. Twice lately I've called and she's out shopping. If that were me I probably wouldn't answer because I don't like to have personal conversations in public. (And really, she lives 4 hours away from me, if something horrible had happened her checking her voice mail and calling me back in a half an hour wouldn't matter much in the grand scheme of things.) But she answers and is all distracted and generally needs to call me back because she can't shop and talk at the same time. So why couldn't I have just left a voice mail??

And twice lately she's had her husband answer the phone for her. She did it when I called to say Happy Easter because she was out in the garden. Not really a big deal. But when I called on Saturday morning to tell her about my latest failed pregnancy it pissed me off what she had him answer because she was in the shower. THAT'S WHAT VOICE MAIL IS FOR!!! It's not like I don't like him, it's not like I don't want to talk to him but he's not my dad. They started dating long after I was out of the house. I don't really care to relay my bad news to her through him.

So because I was pissed off at her bizarro phone etiquette, I sent her an email telling her what happened and shut off my phone so that when she got out of the shower and called me back it would go right to voice mail. Then not long after I turned my phone back on, got her voice mail and then sent her a return voice mail which Sprint allows between phones on their network. That way I didn't have to actually call.

I know it was childish of me to do that but I'm just so frustrated with the whole phone situation. It's like that ex-friend of mine, my maid of honor, who only called me when she was driving somewhere or busy doing something. Who does that?!? Who decides they want to catch up with an old friend on their way to work in all of 15 minutes? Or while they're shopping for a few groceries on their way home? I'm not one to talk on the phone for hours but if you call me and I answer I will direct all my attention to our conversation.

So she got my email and since she's also a "friend" of mine on Facebook, she also saw all the stuff I posted. She actually checked Facebook first.

Then today:

She called me as my A&P class was starting so I didn't answer, I can't remember what she said but it was basically that she hoped I would call her and some other words of sympathy.

Then not an hour later, as my class was ending she sent me a nasty email saying how she's my mother and I shut her out and she's not too happy that I thought I would let her know. WHAT?? She's pissed at me? How does that make any sense??

I emailed her back saying I didn't appreciate her getting upset with me, that I call her but she's always out doing things and can't talk and I'm always busy so when I call I have time but then when she can call back I'm in school or at work or at EMT class. It's ridiculous.

I made it clear to her that I didn't tell anyone I was pregnant so it wasn't like she was left out. And that obviously keeping it a secret doesn't help. And then I told her that if she is mad at me then she should let me know when she's not anymore and we could talk then.

But what the hell!?

I got home this afternoon and got a card from her in the mail. (She really ran it to the post office for it to get mailed on Saturday and get here Monday.) It makes me wonder if what she wrote in the card is really what she thinks/feels or if she's saying what she thinks I want to hear. She told me she is very sorry for the loss of another grandchild. And that she is so much more troubled for my personal loss of this baby. What?? She doesn't make any sense to me.

So I don't know what to do with her. It's just bizarre. I can't get over the fact that she's upset with me. What gives her the nerve?

Call and Ask

Upon further review (and lack of cramping/bleeding) it's been decided that complete miscarriage won't occur for at least a few more days. 

Since the baby only recently died, the natural hormone levels need to drop before my dumb uterus will get with the picture. It makes me think taking progesterone is a big messy waste of time.  And it obviously doesn't keep babies alive. It just keeps the dead ones in there. 

Sean died a while before he came out. I have no way of knowing when that was so I remember him the day he left my body.  I was just lucky to find out by ultrasound the day before it happened.  I remember thinking 2 years ago it was sort of a good thing, the knowing. Imagine my shock and misery to not know what was in store.

So I wonder what I should do. A D&C is not fun but would get the job done and fast. Get it over. And my doctor would have the "stuff" in hand to send to pathology.  I wouldn't have to carry a baggy of dead baby to the office like I did with Sean. 

This Friday I have no classes because my A&P teacher is going on a trip. Monday is a holiday in MA so no school that day either. Maybe I should get a D&C on Friday. 

The only thing is it will ruin my hubby's weekend. He has a guys' weekend planned with his best friends from college. Drinking, video games, maybe a casino. Who wants to cancel that to drive your wife home from a D&C and take care of her all weekend. I'd rather go to the casino.

And of course if I make plans I will surely miscarry naturally before Friday and not need the D&C. That wouldn't be bad either I guess. 

Maybe someone else can drive me home from the D&C. Afterall, hubby will only be an hour and a half away. It's not like I would need him to hold my hand all weekend. I would probably just sleep a lot anyway.

---

I just talked to him about it. He's against it because he doesn't like going to the doctor or having procedures.  He thinks I'm too impatient and that I just want to know the sex so I can name it and be all "weird". Really I think he's selfish and doesn't want his weekend with the guys ruined worrying about me recovering at home.

I want to know about the chromosomes. If they're normal then we should just give up. Then it's the oven that's obviously broken and we shouldn't waste our time or subject ourselves to this anguish anymore.

---

And thinking about it more there's a chance my doctor won't be able to do it Friday. He might be off that day. I guess there's one way to find out. Call and ask.

Waiting for Answers

It's been a rough week or so. I had my biopsy on Saturday. Margaret was right, that was horrible. I didn't think it would be so painful but it was. The 4 Advil I took an hour before might as well have been M&M's. After it was over, for the walk to the car and drive home (my husband drove) I was ok, but once at home I was cramping and having weird pains no matter what I did, how I positioned myself or moved or even if I just lay still. Saturday turned out to be a super nice day out and I spent it on my back. I felt like it was a big waste of sunshine. I should be getting the results in the next day or so. As crappy as it would be to have something wrong and have to take insane amounts of antibiotics, I think it would be even crappier if nothing was wrong because then I would have no answers, no reason for all my miscarriages. And then where would that leave me?

It was strange being at the doctor's office on a Saturday. The place was empty. Just my doctor, a receptionist and a nurse (who has to watch everything going on down there, thanks for that). The woman who had her appointment before me didn't appear to be pregnant and as she left I was nice enough to inform her that her zipper was down, so she was happy that she didn't go about her day like that. I had the usual stuff done also while I was there and oddly enough my doctor had quite the conversation with me while he went through the motions. It was a little awkward but I tried to not think about what his hands were doing and just focused on the conversation. He's known for sometime that I haven't been enjoying my job and asked if that was still the case. Umm, yup. So he suggested that I go back to school and become an OBGYN. All I need to take are 4 classes (biology, organic chemistry, ...) to apply and then it's 4 years of school, and 4 years of residency. Easy, right? I'd be 40 by the time I'm done. I don't know if I'm flattered that he suggested it, or think he was just joking with me. I've spent a lot of time thinking about it since the appointment and I emailed him last night about it:

"I've been thinking a lot about what you said about going back to school to be an OBGYN. Part of me is really interested, but then the other part of me (the practical side) thinks it's a bad idea. Considering I want to have kids and be able to spend time with them, being in school and working crazy hours doesn't seem like the way to do that. It may be impressive to a lot of people that I have a degree in electrical engineering from RPI, but I didn't have a great GPA. It was a 2.4, and I think that one of the big reasons why I got into RPI and later got a job was because I'm female. Overall I think I'm a pretty lazy person, but that could just be because the last 3 years have really beat me down. If things had gone as planned I would have a daughter (Isabella) who would be almost 2 years old now. Maybe she would have a sibling already or on the way. Instead I've been pregnant about 7 times and my whole world has been turned upside down. I converted to Catholicism before (my husband) and I got married 5 years ago, now I don't think I should be Catholic anymore. I can't stand my in-laws, especially my mother-in-law who doesn't have an empathetic bone in her body. Aside from all that I've nearly passed out several times from seeing injuries or being injured and did pass out twice. There's also the small problem that there aren't any medical school around here, so I would either have to commute or move, and I still have $43,000 in student loans from RPI.

"So aside from my own personal experience being pregnant and being female in general, it seems pretty far fetched. I partially wonder how serious you were when you suggested it. I don't expect you to try to sell me on this, I just wanted you to know that I thought about what you said and appreciated that you thought it might be something good for me to do. Unfortunately I feel like I'm so unhappy with everything in my life that I can't make any decisions so I just stay stuck. And sometimes with the way things are going with my husband I wonder if we should even bother having kids or even stay married at all."

He hasn't responded yet, but he's not the quickest with email. At the appointment he was using a new electronic records tablet computer and said that he has such a hard time with it he's at work until 3am filling in charts. So I'm sure emails to his crazy patient fall low in priority. Besides, he's not a therapist.

So my husband decided we needed to have a long talk last night. He wants to decide what we're going to do with regard to the impending test results. If they come back normal or not. He thinks that if they're normal that we should still keep trying although he worries about me going through further disappointments. If they come back saying I have an infection/inflammation, then I would take the antibiotics, next month would be out, and we'd get back on the horse the next cycle. It's that easy. You just make a plan and then follow through with it. What could go wrong? Oh wait... never mind.

Later my mom called, she just got back from a trip out west the day before so we chatted for a little bit. She asked me how I was doing and I'm sure the tone of my voice when I said "fine" told her that I wasn't really fine. So I told her what was going on and about the biopsy and she asked the same old questions and said the same old things: "why are you testing so early", "have you gotten a second opinion on this blood clotting stuff?" "I think you're too stressed out", "just relax and it will happen". It makes me wonder why I even bother. Back in May when I made the video for Isabella and Sean she sent me an email saying I need to get over it and move on and that I was too obsessed. So I stopped talking to her about it. That crap doesn't help. I told her last night that I've been getting weekly massages, and I've been doing yoga, I've been trying to relax. Apparently that doesn't help either.

I thought I did everything right last month. Clomid and ovulation strips. Prometrium 3 days after LH surge, all kinds of sex, home pregnancy test on day 30, positive, again on day 33, still positive, but not darker, blood test - 19, repeated blood test on day 36 dropped to 4. So much for doing everything "right".

I'm so frustrated right now. I'm so frustrated with life.

Pancakes

Regarding the grieving father, he said to me "at least I had 11 years with the most wonderful daughter a father could ask for". I thought to myself it sucks that it was only 11 years. I told my therapist about this and he said "do you think that he would have rather not had his daughter at all?" Of course I don't think that he would have rather not have had his daughter for those 11 years, just that there should have been so many more years from here on out. I've read and heard of many women/couples say that they are glad they had those few hours with their still born baby or the few hours before their baby died in their arms. But for me I had none of that and on top of it a lot of invalidation for my feelings so a part of me can wish that I was never pregnant those times to have those losses because in the end I really had nothing. I never felt Isabella move, I never held her, I never got to see what she looked like, if she would have looked like me or like my husband. And I lost my idyllic perception of my husband's family due to their insensitivity to these losses. The poems I've written (Isabella, Each Day) have multiple meanings as poems like to do. Obviously I can't recapture my innocence, I can't bring Isabella back to life, but I also can't recapture how I use to feel about my husband's family. That has been changed forever. And of course I made a point of referring to myself as Isabella's mother in her poem since my husband's parents made such a point of denying me that title.

A "normal" grieving process supposedly takes a year. I don't think a year of grieving will cover it when your child dies. As long as you live you will constantly be reminded that they aren't there with you, birthdays, holidays, and all the milestones that they should have reached, first day at school, graduations, their wedding day. Your future is irrevocably changed, the road has split to a cruel alternate reality, a living nightmare.

I really wish none of this had ever happened. And when I think that it makes me even more sad that it did. And then I wish I was dead so I wouldn't have to feel this way anymore.

---

"Realize that the answer is inextricably contingent upon the type of life being led... and, of course, the quality of the pancakes."
Dustin Hoffman as Dr. Jules Hilbert in "Stranger Than Fiction"

Fingers Crossed

This past weekend my husband and I went to Boston for the No Doubt concert, it was super fun. As luck would have it, my appointment to see a new RE in Boston was scheduled for Friday so I was happy that we didn't have to make a special trip. The weekend was slightly rainy and dreary for parts, but otherwise was packed with fun. We hiked all over the city doing the Freedom Trail and rode the "T" every which way. The appointment with the RE didn't give us any major break-throughs, but we got our blood drawn to do karyotypes on both of us to make sure all our chromosomes are normal to rule out issues from that. I'm nearing the end of my cycle, Thursday will be day 28, so it's just wait and see for now, I'm determined to not test until then. The only suggestion the RE had was if I don't get pregnant this month that she recommends doing a biopsy on my uterus next month which would mean no trying for that month. But depending on the biopsy it would say if I have an infection or something else that is keeping critters from latching on which could be fixed. That sounds unpleasant, but at this point I'll do whatever so bring it on. Obviously I hope I'll find out I'm pregnant on Thursday.

I'm in the throes of planning a birthday party for my husband, he's going to be 30 on July 10th. It's sort of a pain because the majority of people invited live far away, so a decent chunk of them aren't coming. Our parents and his grandparents are coming and now it's down to who is sleeping where. We live in a very touristy area so hotel prices are $150 and up even for not so spiffy motels. So I'm stressing a bit about what to do, get out the air mattresses I guess.

Last weekend we went to PA for my "sister-in-law's" bridal shower. I put it in quotes because I'm such a non-entity to her that I don't feel like I should bother calling her my sister-in-law. She gave a big speech at the beginning of the shower introducing her bridesmaids and gushed over her soon to be sister-in-law (her fiancé's sister) and how they've been calling each other sister for so long and how soon they really will be sisters. Whoop-di-do. According to my husband his family never does anything to purposefully hurt me, so I just have to assume his sister is so completely self centered and oblivious that she couldn't possibly comprehend how hurtful that was for me to hear as her sister-in-law of nearly 5 years. Needless to say I'm not a bridesmaid. Maybe if I was more girlie growing up then I would have more female friends and would actually get picked to be a bridesmaid in the weddings of women who were bridesmaids for me 5 years ago. I guess if my sister ever gets married I'm guaranteed a spot there. Should I really even be upset? I get out of wearing an ugly dress and paying an arm and a leg for it.

---

Friday is our 5 year anniversary, this past weekend was our present to each other, but we'll probably make a tasty dinner at home and celebrate in a little bit more low key way. I hope the weather clears up for the weekend, it would be nice to do some gardening and some other things around the house. As my neighbor always says: "Anyone who owns a house, deserves it."

For now I'll keep my fingers crossed for Thursday.

When it Rains, It Pours

This is the worst week. It might not be so bad if it were only for one thing or another, but a few more are piled on each year. I took my cat to the vet today, Krista has a heart problem and now the outlook is getting worse for her. She has maybe a year, or two if she's lucky, to live. At least she is blissfully unaware of the misery to come. Which is better? Knowing that when she's only 3 years and 2 months old she will die sometime soon, or having a beautiful calico named Sasha and one morning when she's 3 years and 8 months old she drops dead on the kitchen floor. Neither are better, the question should be: Which is worse.

It’s Mother’s Day this weekend. Just 2 days after the 2 year anniversary of Isabella’s death. Not to mention that when I was still happily pregnant with her I was told by my f-i-l that I would not be allowed to celebrate Mother’s Day since I was not yet a mother. I had a baby growing inside me, but it didn’t matter. Every time I think of what he said my blood boils, what a slap in the face, it’s almost like he knew she would soon be dead and I would be torn to shreds. And he didn’t give a shit.

I’m going to Carol’s Mother’s Day walk on Saturday, it’s the only bright point of the whole week. As sad as it is to gather and remember our precious babies, it seems like the only way I can “celebrate” being a mother. I'm actually going to try to raise some money for it too, I have a donation promised already.

I went for my blood test yesterday. It was negative. My doctor is on vacation until the 11th, so I stopped taking the injections and prometrium. I could talk to the “on-call” doctor but any other time I’ve had to deal with someone other than my doctor it’s a lesson in futility and frustration. My own doctor is the only one who knows anything at all when it comes to my treatment, and he’s the only one who treats me nicely or respectfully.

I feel completely lost now. I don’t really know where I am in my cycle but it doesn’t matter, I’m in no mood to try. I don’t even know if I still want to have a baby. This is my Everest. I want to keep going because that’s all I’ve known for almost 3 years now, even if it kills me or tears apart my marriage. I feel so beaten down.

I got home early from my business trip, I’m glad that’s over. But getting home just brought all the getting pregnant issues back to the foreground. I just have bad luck, I’ve been pregnant 5 maybe 6 times, but these last few were the worst. I should never have gotten my hopes up, I should know better.

Or should I just give up?

Easter for Favorites

This was the best Easter in a long time. My husband and I stayed home instead of going to visit his family. It was the first time he has ever spent Easter without them. We made the obligatory calls to wish them a Happy Easter and I felt an inkling of a guilt trip with every “we’ll miss you at dinner” we received. I didn’t miss the stress and fighting that accompanies a trip to my in-laws’.

We joked that we were spending Easter with our favorites as he’s my favorite person and I’m his. This was something we came up with a few weeks ago when we were being silly and it’s sort of caught on. (We also spent it with our favorite kitties, alas Sasha is buried out back.) We went to Mass Saturday night so we got to sleep in on Sunday morning. We ate our yummy Paska bread and some colored eggs for breakfast and then commenced dinner preparations. We really should have had half a dozen or so people join us because we had way too much food for only two people. We had meat stuffed manicotti to start, then glazed ham, kielbasa with horseradish, green bean casserole and mashed potatoes. For dessert we had carrot cake. It was so yummy. Even though it was only the two of us it was a really festive time without the stress of entertaining. We ate in the dining room on our wedding china, drank from our fancy crystal glasses and had plenty of room to spread out serving platters and bowls when we normally would serve straight from the pot to the plate. After we went for a 3 mile walk to burn off some holiday calories.


I’m getting my hopes up for this month, I can’t help it. It’s only day 12 so I have a while to go before I’ll know anything. I probably haven’t even ovulated yet, which is fine, more time for the swimmers to get in position. Wednesday I’ll start taking my injections and progesterone. I’m pretty proud of myself for telling my doctor what I wanted to do rather than defer to him or do nothing at all.

(Hurray for my 100th Post!)

Note: I miscounted, it's #99.

Vent

It’s been a couple weeks since my last post. I’ve been feeling wayward lately. I had my second support group meeting last night and no one showed up. The woman who came last month called me to say she is sick and wouldn’t be coming so I at least expected to not see her. But after all the advertising I did I have to admit that I’m really surprised that no one came. I’m debating bothering to have it at all next month.

My husband and I visited his family this past weekend for his grandmother’s 80th birthday. In all it was an uneventful visit (probably because it was a short one) but we still had the fighting and sleepless nights leading up to and following the visit.

(Vent)
I’m really tired of hearing about his sister’s wedding. It’s probably just jealousy but I don’t remember being so endlessly consumed with wedding talk when we were engaged. Not to mention that I did everything myself and didn’t live at home with my parents where some people are practically waited on hand and foot. I doubt much will change when she moves into a house with her fiancé, my husband’s family lives for fawning all over him and his sister, alas we live too far away to take as much advantage as she does. What’s ridiculous is that she gets upset when we visit that they are so excited to see him that she is virtually ignored (yeah, right). Maybe if she went away for a while people would be excited to see her when she came back.

My husband made the announcement that we wouldn’t be visiting for Easter this year. While parents and grandparents seemed to “understand”, his sister voiced her disappointment/annoyance to me in a side discussion I had with her about all the jobs I’ve seemed to acquire for her wedding that I didn’t realized I had been asked to do. She’s been very cold to me lately so I can’t understand why she would be sad to not see me. Plus without my husband there she will get all the spotlight.

I don’t want to visit for Easter because of many things, the usual being my discomfort in their company, but also that we don’t go to Mass together anymore as his parents have taken to going to a traditional Latin Mass church which isn’t our cup of tea (so if we're going to go to Mass alone, I would rather go to our own church), and I don’t really care for the food served at Easter: lasagna with American cheese on it*, cold ham (because his mom is lazy and cooks it the day before), kielbasa, hard boiled eggs, kolachi and other things that I can’t remember. The only thing I do like is the Paska bread and I don’t have to go there to eat it because I can make it myself.

*Northeast Pennsylvania likes its American cheese, they also have it on pizza à la Old Forge Style. I remember after many years of eating the pizza there and wondering why it tasted so weird (bad) finding out why and feeling I had been duped all those years into thinking I was eating normal pizza.
(End Vent)

I had my period last week, it was a 26 day cycle, the shortest in a long time because we didn’t try this month and I didn’t take progesterone to prolong the inevitable. I was cranky and moody and lack of sleep and in-laws didn’t help.

9 days until vacation and birthday.

Running out of Cheeks

Something came up at my meeting on Tuesday that I hadn't really given much thought to before. My husband's sister is getting married this August and he has said that she will probably get pregnant right away, or at least be trying right away. So it made me think, what if she gets pregnant and has a baby before we do. How much is it going to suck when everyone refers to that baby as the first grandchild? I told him later how I thought of and talked about that with the woman who came to my meeting. He said there's nothing I can do if that's what they say. I realize that there's a chance that I will get pregnant in the months before the wedding and may in fact "beat" her or that she might not conceive as quickly etc, etc. I also wonder how it would go if she had a miscarriage (not that I would wish it on my worst enemy) but I bet it would be a completely different story for them to see their own daughter go through it, I wouldn't assume that they learned anything from dealing with me. But if it does happen that she gets pregnant and I'm not, I'm going to make it clear to my husband that he should tell his family how I feel about who the first grandchild is. It's Isabella. Thinking about it now I find it patronizing that my f-i-l wanted to have "the talk" back at Christmas time but they still refuse to acknowledge Isabella and Sean by name. So I'm probably just setting myself up for more disappointment. And making myself a little crazy in the process. :(

Thinking more about it, I think if that does happen and they behave as expected then they shouldn't be surprised when things are "tense". It will just further reinforce for me that they were patronizing me with the little talk we had back at Christmas. We visit my in-laws considerably less than we did in the years before I first got pregnant and I can only see that amount reducing further if those things transpire. I realize that it hasn't happened yet, but I'm getting so angry just thinking about it. I think that's what frustrates my husband so much is that he thinks they have apologized to me over and over and I suppose that is true, but because we aren't around them all the time it has never sunk in. That or I have serious issues accepting someone's apology. My husband and I had a long talk in the days after this last loss and extended family issues always rear their ugly head. He thinks that because of all the crap my dad put me through is why I can't accept an apology and would rather write someone off as I've done with him. In the case of my dad I feel ok about writing him off because of the years and years of misery he put me, my mom and sister through. I don't have that luxury with my in-laws and aside from this one (albeit major) point, they're not that bad. When I talked to my old priest a year or two ago about what to do about my dad (who at the time was trying to weasel his way back into my life) I was surprised that he thought I should run in the other direction as fast as I could. Surprised because that doesn't sound like the Catholic and supposedly forgiving thing to do. He said "sometimes you run out of cheeks". So that makes sense to me and reassures me that you shouldn't have to go through life dealing with people who treat you like crap. If my husband's parents' "beliefs" that a baby isn't a baby until it's born (yet the opposite is true in the case of abortion) and they continue to dismiss the existence of Isabella and Sean then I think I've run out of cheeks. It's too big of a deal for me to let it slide.

If you expect someone to behave a certain way and they do, can you still be upset about it?

0-4

The bad news first: I had a second blood test today, it was only 7 mIU/mL, so that’s it I guess. I wish I knew why this keeps happening.

In other news we arrived at my in-laws on Tuesday afternoon and after dinner while we were still sitting around the table my f-i-l brought up that it’s been tense the last few times that we’ve been in and if there was anything that we needed to talk about that we should so we can clear the air. I was really surprised not only by him bringing it up, but by all the stuff my husband said to get across to them how they’ve made me/us feel. It felt really good to have my husband back me up. We seemed to leave it that we would both make more of an effort to talk about Isabella and Sean since it’s always seemed to me that they were extremely uncomfortable about it.

As part of that conversation they asked if anything was wrong or if we’d considered adoption and we said other than my blood issues we’re doing everything we can. So after a group hug (sort of lame, but nice at the same time) I whispered to my husband that he should tell them the news. So they were happy about it but we also said it was still early and I had another blood test coming up. We haven’t told anyone else, so I guess we don’t have to now.

The next morning I talked with my m-i-l some more and after being able to gather my thoughts from the night before I was able to say a lot of the things that I didn’t get to say at the dinner table. So I felt a lot of relief from that.

But now I feel so disheartened. I feel like I should be crying, but I’m not. I feel dead inside.

Numb.

Awake and Anxiety

It's 4am and I'm not sleeping. I woke up almost an hour ago to use the bathroom and now I can't get back to sleep. I know when I've been pregnant before I've slept pretty weird, but I think this is due to anxiety about going to my in-laws.

I don't want to share this news with them. I feel that they don't deserve it after how they've treated me. But that also isn't very in the Christmas spirit or the best way to start out a new pregnancy. I wish that I could let all my resentment go, or get some sort of amnesia and forget how awful they were to me. I really wish I wasn't going to PA so that I could avoid this whole situation.

And to think, I wanted to skip this month so that we wouldn't be trying during the stress of the holidays.

I hate that I can't be truly happy about being pregnant. Not just because of what's happened in the past and the worries and anxiety about how this pregnancy will go, but because of them.

Don't Ask, Don't Tell

I'm super happy to get such a wonderful early Christmas present, and pretty nervous too, but now we have to figure out if we're going to tell people or not. I don't really want to tell anyone just yet, least of all my in-laws, but how do you spend 4 days with people at the holidays and have them not wonder when you decline glass after glass of wine?

Not to mention I have to bring my lovely progesterone suppositories with me and keep them in their fridge, which will also lead to a lot of questions. For whatever reason the prescription container is super hard to open (no wonder seniors hate the safety containers) so I just dump the whole lot into a yogurt container and keep that in the fridge. So that's what I would be bringing, no prescription label for them to be nosey and read.

Maybe I'll just say: "I'm taking a prescription and I shouldn't have alcohol with it and that's all I want to say about it for now." I wonder if they would let it go after that. I would have to do this multiple times too, with the grandparents, the parents, and we're stopping in to see his great-aunt and she always offers us wine. I swear they're all a bunch of lushes in PA!

If we did tell, it would be sort of cool to steal the thunder from my husband's sister who got engaged in August and is getting annoying with her wedding planning. When we were there for Thanksgiving discussing Christmas cookie plans we mentioned we would be making linzer cookies, she immediate told me that I would have to make them for her bridal shower. Not to mention that I just found out there was a bridal shower planned and when it would be. As I'm not in the wedding party I don't feel like I have to do anything other than show up.

But in my continuing resentment towards my in-laws, I would rather not tell them at all. Stealing thunder or not.

Any thoughts?

A Few Changes

I changed the format of my blog, I didn't like how squished up it use to be. I think this looks better all stretched out.

I also changed my "what am I doing here..." blurb on the side bar. I really do feel that way.

I am mom to Isabella and Sean, this is just about the only place that I really feel comfortable talking about them.

And when I thought about it more, I almost wanted to say more there, but then it would just be a big run on, so here's my post:

I feel like I live two separate lives. There's the Shannon that pretty much everyone knows, the one that seems ok, seems to have it mostly together. Then there's the babylost Shannon. I feel like no one knows her. I feel like I hide her from nearly everyone in my non-blogging life because I don't think others can handle it. I know my in-laws can't handle it and I know some of my oldest friends can't handle it. So while losing Isabella and Sean were two very life changing events for me, I don't think I've let many see those changes.

I'm tired of hiding, I'm tired of not wanting to offend people, I'm tired of feeling like I have to have a long drawn out converstation with each and every person that I might choose to tell about my babies. Not because I feel like they need all that information but like I need to justify myself. Like why should I still be upset about it, as if "it" wasn't a big deal.

Like Carol said, sometimes you don't have the emotional energy to take care of other people. I feel like by going about pretending there's no babylost Shannon, I'm worrying too much about taking care of other people. That no one would want to know that Shannon, like that Shannon is too much of a mess to be let out of the house.

I feel like I should come out of the babylost closet.

More About Christmas

We talked more about it last night and I feel like I'm being guilted into going. The card he always plays is that his grandparents aren't going to be around that much longer. So if we don't go and they die soon, well, lots of guilt all around. I would feel bad about it, but the grandparents aren't much better than the parents. Actually they're more dismissive and invalidating. But I attribute that to them being old. Both grandmothers had two miscarriages, but things were different back then. It wasn't until I had it out with my husband's paternal grandmother that she let on that she was upset about her miscarriages. She said that she just didn't have time to grieve because she had her daughter at home and her husband to take care of. And she expected me to buck up or not get too down about it because I would just upset my husband. Like not upsetting him was my whole purpose in life. Sorry, but I'm not a housewife, I don't have a baby at home already and even if I did I would still be upset. So while people who've never had a loss can say horrible things, sometimes the people who have had losses think you should get through it just like they did.

It ain't the 50's anymore.

Christmas

I got really upset with my husband the other night. It seems that before/during/after visiting my in-laws we fight a lot. I just don't enjoy being there anymore. I get anxious before we go, I'm miserable while we're there and I'm still recovering from it even though we've been home for 5 days now.

A seemingly small thing happened Monday night and I flipped out. My husband knows how to push my buttons and then is always surprised when I react. In my anger I told him that I wasn't going to Christmas with his family. What a relief that would be.

Things have settled down between us, but amazingly when he brought up Christmas today at lunch time, he talked about it with uncertainty. "If" we go in for Christmas. I thought that was interesting. I'm starting to think "I might get away with this". This not going to the in-laws.

In newsletters from Share or Hospice it gives you tips for the holidays. Ways to remember your baby, things you can do to honor them. It also says not to do things that make you uncomfortable and to listen to and be gentle with yourself.

I think Christmas would be so much more comfortable if I spent it at home.