Key Chain

I made this today at Petco:

Everyone Else

I have this week off from school so I picked up a couple shifts on the ambulance.  I was on one of the floors for a discharge to a nursing home and bumped into my old therapist who I still keep updated on things in my life.  He knew I was pregnant with Maggie but the last time I emailed with him was before Christmas and obviously a lot has happened since then.  I felt really awkward seeing him when I've been meaning to email him a zillion times and never manage to get around to it.

Then later, his office called about my appointment tomorrow with another clinician (who prescribes my Celexa) needing to be rescheduled stating his wife had her baby.  I felt like I was kicked in the gut, the uterus to be exact.  I knew he and his wife were expecting so it wasn't completely out of the blue but it still took me by surprise to hear it so causally on the phone.  I guess it's not really for the receptionists to know what my issues are and reasons for my office visits.

Later my boyfriend stopped by work to see me and I told him about it and started crying.  It works out for everyone else.

I wish I was still pregnant with Maggie.

Maggie's Urn

My boyfriend and I picked up Maggie's urn and ashes today.

A Good Night Gone Bad

I'm feeling really sad today and can't seem to shake it.  Last night my boyfriend and I went out to our usual watering hole where everyone knows us and the (female) bartender knows about Maggie.  Everything was fine until around when we got the bill and she made a comment about going home and "having fun" since we both seemed to be in good spirits and sort of smoochy faced.  She proceeded to say how we don't have kids so it will be great not having a kid wandering in asking what you're doing.  And that's when it all went to shit.  I said, "Really?"  And then she had to be reminded of our loss and it got even worse as she fell all over herself apologizing and not only swallowing her foot as well as her calf and knee as she dug herself deeper and deeper and the tears started to fall.  It amazes me how quickly people forget.  How callous people can be with their comments.

I just want to curl in a ball and cry.

Urn

We picked out Maggie's urn today.  Her ashes should be ready soon so they'll be in her urn when we take her home.  It was surreal, like picking out a toaster.  I'm not really sure how to feel about it and the more I think about it the more I want to cry.  It's not something I thought I would be doing, not now, not ever...

Go Forward

I made it through the week.  I didn't go to school on Monday because Sunday night I was feeling very woozy and probably had some general anxiety on top of it.  During the day on Monday I called my adviser just to touch base and she asked if maybe I should consider postponing school for a year.  NO WAY!  I told her there was no option of me doing that.  Tuesday as I drove to school I felt like I had gotten a kick in the ass, and in a good way.  I worked too hard and had waited long enough to get into a PA program.  I also haven't cried since Monday night which is very strange for me as I usually cry a lot.  Not sitting around mulling it over all day probably has helped.

Physically I've been feeling ok.  My boyfriend and I went for a nice walk this afternoon before he had to leave for work.  The ice on the lake was solid after several very cold days and nights recently so we walked all over the lake.  There were tons of people ice fishing or snowmobiling so we weren't alone.  The sun was shining so it actually felt pretty warm.

I'm waiting to hear from the funeral home as far as when they'll get Maggie's remains when the hospital is done with her and the placenta, and then getting her ashes.  It's going to be 4-6 weeks before I hear about the results of pathology/autopsy.  I wonder if we'll learn anything new.  When the placenta was delivered it was half dead, the obvious cause of her being so small and never standing a chance.  Would blood thinners have saved her if I started them not long after getting pregnant?  Who knows.  My sweet boyfriend has suggested harvesting eggs, I'm not sure if he thinks we should try a surrogate or just the fact that I'm closing in on 35 and nearing my egg expiration date.

So life moves on, whether you want it to or not.  You can't go back, you can only go forward.

I whispered to her but she was already gone...
Leaving footprints on my heart,
Taking with her a piece of my soul...

My Maggie, My Longed-for Child

Maggie was stillborn on Friday, January 11th at 11:08, 21 weeks.  She weighed 4.1 oz and was 6.5" long.

Margaret Aibhlinn

Ultrasound Results

It wasn't good news.

I got a call from my OBGYN on Wednesday morning about my quad screen results and already it seemed like the pregnancy was doomed.

At the ultrasound on Thursday the baby was curled up in a ball so they couldn't really see much other than the fact that it was too small.  Measuring 15 weeks when I should have been 18w6d.

The doctor's outlook wasn't good.  I basically got the impression that the damage was done and nothing I could do would fix it.

I had an amnio done anyway, and it was a hundred times more painful than when I had it done when I was pregnant with Isabella.

Now I wait.

I have an appointment with my OBGYN on Wednesday.

I'm terrified of dealing with this and school starting on the 7th.  I wish it would all go away.

Waiting

I'm feeling mopey and sad.  I'm getting nervous about the level 2 ultrasound and worried that it will be bad news.  I wish it was Thursday already so it would be over.