I think 2007 was worse than 2008, I won't get my hopes up for 2009.
But really, can it get any worse?
On our tree
6 years ago
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Friday, December 26, 2008
0-4
The bad news first: I had a second blood test today, it was only 7 mIU/mL, so that’s it I guess. I wish I knew why this keeps happening.
In other news we arrived at my in-laws on Tuesday afternoon and after dinner while we were still sitting around the table my f-i-l brought up that it’s been tense the last few times that we’ve been in and if there was anything that we needed to talk about that we should so we can clear the air. I was really surprised not only by him bringing it up, but by all the stuff my husband said to get across to them how they’ve made me/us feel. It felt really good to have my husband back me up. We seemed to leave it that we would both make more of an effort to talk about Isabella and Sean since it’s always seemed to me that they were extremely uncomfortable about it.
As part of that conversation they asked if anything was wrong or if we’d considered adoption and we said other than my blood issues we’re doing everything we can. So after a group hug (sort of lame, but nice at the same time) I whispered to my husband that he should tell them the news. So they were happy about it but we also said it was still early and I had another blood test coming up. We haven’t told anyone else, so I guess we don’t have to now.
The next morning I talked with my m-i-l some more and after being able to gather my thoughts from the night before I was able to say a lot of the things that I didn’t get to say at the dinner table. So I felt a lot of relief from that.
But now I feel so disheartened. I feel like I should be crying, but I’m not. I feel dead inside.
Numb.
In other news we arrived at my in-laws on Tuesday afternoon and after dinner while we were still sitting around the table my f-i-l brought up that it’s been tense the last few times that we’ve been in and if there was anything that we needed to talk about that we should so we can clear the air. I was really surprised not only by him bringing it up, but by all the stuff my husband said to get across to them how they’ve made me/us feel. It felt really good to have my husband back me up. We seemed to leave it that we would both make more of an effort to talk about Isabella and Sean since it’s always seemed to me that they were extremely uncomfortable about it.
As part of that conversation they asked if anything was wrong or if we’d considered adoption and we said other than my blood issues we’re doing everything we can. So after a group hug (sort of lame, but nice at the same time) I whispered to my husband that he should tell them the news. So they were happy about it but we also said it was still early and I had another blood test coming up. We haven’t told anyone else, so I guess we don’t have to now.
The next morning I talked with my m-i-l some more and after being able to gather my thoughts from the night before I was able to say a lot of the things that I didn’t get to say at the dinner table. So I felt a lot of relief from that.
But now I feel so disheartened. I feel like I should be crying, but I’m not. I feel dead inside.
Numb.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Awake and Anxiety
It's 4am and I'm not sleeping. I woke up almost an hour ago to use the bathroom and now I can't get back to sleep. I know when I've been pregnant before I've slept pretty weird, but I think this is due to anxiety about going to my in-laws.
I don't want to share this news with them. I feel that they don't deserve it after how they've treated me. But that also isn't very in the Christmas spirit or the best way to start out a new pregnancy. I wish that I could let all my resentment go, or get some sort of amnesia and forget how awful they were to me. I really wish I wasn't going to PA so that I could avoid this whole situation.
And to think, I wanted to skip this month so that we wouldn't be trying during the stress of the holidays.
I hate that I can't be truly happy about being pregnant. Not just because of what's happened in the past and the worries and anxiety about how this pregnancy will go, but because of them.
I don't want to share this news with them. I feel that they don't deserve it after how they've treated me. But that also isn't very in the Christmas spirit or the best way to start out a new pregnancy. I wish that I could let all my resentment go, or get some sort of amnesia and forget how awful they were to me. I really wish I wasn't going to PA so that I could avoid this whole situation.
And to think, I wanted to skip this month so that we wouldn't be trying during the stress of the holidays.
I hate that I can't be truly happy about being pregnant. Not just because of what's happened in the past and the worries and anxiety about how this pregnancy will go, but because of them.
Monday, December 22, 2008
Christmas Cookies
As promised, completed Christmas cookies:
This is the tray we brought over to our neighbors. Ribbon cookies at the top (chocolate and peppermint stripes), Russian tea cakes on the right (butter pecan balls dusted with powdered sugar), linzer cookies at the bottom (buttery cookie with jam as a sandwich), and Christmas biscotti in the middle/left (pistachio and craisin biscotti dipped in white chocolate with sugar sprinkles on top).
These cookies are travelling to PA and ME.
Don't Ask, Don't Tell
I'm super happy to get such a wonderful early Christmas present, and pretty nervous too, but now we have to figure out if we're going to tell people or not. I don't really want to tell anyone just yet, least of all my in-laws, but how do you spend 4 days with people at the holidays and have them not wonder when you decline glass after glass of wine?
Not to mention I have to bring my lovely progesterone suppositories with me and keep them in their fridge, which will also lead to a lot of questions. For whatever reason the prescription container is super hard to open (no wonder seniors hate the safety containers) so I just dump the whole lot into a yogurt container and keep that in the fridge. So that's what I would be bringing, no prescription label for them to be nosey and read.
Maybe I'll just say: "I'm taking a prescription and I shouldn't have alcohol with it and that's all I want to say about it for now." I wonder if they would let it go after that. I would have to do this multiple times too, with the grandparents, the parents, and we're stopping in to see his great-aunt and she always offers us wine. I swear they're all a bunch of lushes in PA!
If we did tell, it would be sort of cool to steal the thunder from my husband's sister who got engaged in August and is getting annoying with her wedding planning. When we were there for Thanksgiving discussing Christmas cookie plans we mentioned we would be making linzer cookies, she immediate told me that I would have to make them for her bridal shower. Not to mention that I just found out there was a bridal shower planned and when it would be. As I'm not in the wedding party I don't feel like I have to do anything other than show up.
But in my continuing resentment towards my in-laws, I would rather not tell them at all. Stealing thunder or not.
Any thoughts?
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Friday, December 19, 2008
Positive
The blood test was positive, only 36 mIU/ml which isn't a lot, but it's pretty early still. Only day 28, but it's positive. I really really hope that with the progesterone suppositories this one will stick.
My fingers are crossed.
My fingers are crossed.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Survey
I got a survey in the mail a few weeks ago. It was from my hospital and I had done one before when I finished the "Partial Hospitalization Program". I didn't think much of it since I've been a frequent visitor to the hospital because that's where I go for therapy.
I finally looked at it more closely the other day. It was from the Radiology department. They supposedly wanted to know how I felt about my visits back in April. So I filled it out.
It was oddly satisfying to let them have it. It was different from when I talked about it at Carol's seminar because that was at a different hospital, a different city. But this survey would give them insight into what goes on at my hospital, in my city.
I filled in the little circles and wrote more in the comment sections than space allowed and needed to continue at the bottom of the sheet. I wrote about my disgust regarding my treatment and all the things that I felt were done wrong, what wasn't said and what wasn't done at all. There was no compassion, no comforting word, nothing to ease the shock and pain of what was happening.
Sean was dead and there was no "I'm sorry".
I finally looked at it more closely the other day. It was from the Radiology department. They supposedly wanted to know how I felt about my visits back in April. So I filled it out.
It was oddly satisfying to let them have it. It was different from when I talked about it at Carol's seminar because that was at a different hospital, a different city. But this survey would give them insight into what goes on at my hospital, in my city.
I filled in the little circles and wrote more in the comment sections than space allowed and needed to continue at the bottom of the sheet. I wrote about my disgust regarding my treatment and all the things that I felt were done wrong, what wasn't said and what wasn't done at all. There was no compassion, no comforting word, nothing to ease the shock and pain of what was happening.
Sean was dead and there was no "I'm sorry".
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
A Few Changes
I changed the format of my blog, I didn't like how squished up it use to be. I think this looks better all stretched out.
I also changed my "what am I doing here..." blurb on the side bar. I really do feel that way.
I am mom to Isabella and Sean, this is just about the only place that I really feel comfortable talking about them.
And when I thought about it more, I almost wanted to say more there, but then it would just be a big run on, so here's my post:
I feel like I live two separate lives. There's the Shannon that pretty much everyone knows, the one that seems ok, seems to have it mostly together. Then there's the babylost Shannon. I feel like no one knows her. I feel like I hide her from nearly everyone in my non-blogging life because I don't think others can handle it. I know my in-laws can't handle it and I know some of my oldest friends can't handle it. So while losing Isabella and Sean were two very life changing events for me, I don't think I've let many see those changes.
I'm tired of hiding, I'm tired of not wanting to offend people, I'm tired of feeling like I have to have a long drawn out converstation with each and every person that I might choose to tell about my babies. Not because I feel like they need all that information but like I need to justify myself. Like why should I still be upset about it, as if "it" wasn't a big deal.
Like Carol said, sometimes you don't have the emotional energy to take care of other people. I feel like by going about pretending there's no babylost Shannon, I'm worrying too much about taking care of other people. That no one would want to know that Shannon, like that Shannon is too much of a mess to be let out of the house.
I feel like I should come out of the babylost closet.
I also changed my "what am I doing here..." blurb on the side bar. I really do feel that way.
I am mom to Isabella and Sean, this is just about the only place that I really feel comfortable talking about them.
And when I thought about it more, I almost wanted to say more there, but then it would just be a big run on, so here's my post:
I feel like I live two separate lives. There's the Shannon that pretty much everyone knows, the one that seems ok, seems to have it mostly together. Then there's the babylost Shannon. I feel like no one knows her. I feel like I hide her from nearly everyone in my non-blogging life because I don't think others can handle it. I know my in-laws can't handle it and I know some of my oldest friends can't handle it. So while losing Isabella and Sean were two very life changing events for me, I don't think I've let many see those changes.
I'm tired of hiding, I'm tired of not wanting to offend people, I'm tired of feeling like I have to have a long drawn out converstation with each and every person that I might choose to tell about my babies. Not because I feel like they need all that information but like I need to justify myself. Like why should I still be upset about it, as if "it" wasn't a big deal.
Like Carol said, sometimes you don't have the emotional energy to take care of other people. I feel like by going about pretending there's no babylost Shannon, I'm worrying too much about taking care of other people. That no one would want to know that Shannon, like that Shannon is too much of a mess to be let out of the house.
I feel like I should come out of the babylost closet.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
As Promised
After the Appreciation Dinner with Katie and Krista
Dressed up for the Party Friday NightWednesday, December 10, 2008
Wiggly
I'm all wiggly today. I'm part sleepy and part jumping around in my seat. I don't feel like being at work (do I ever??) and I just want to go home and take a nap or do anything else but be here.
The waiting has begun and the nasty progesterone suppositories. What fun. I should know by Christmas if I'll get what I really want this year. This being the season of miracles maybe I'll get one of my own.
We had fun at the appreciation dinner last night, it was great hearing all the praise people had for my husband for all his hard work. Lots of shaking hands with directors, VP's, and other big-wigs of the company. Everyone had great things to say about my husband. I'm really proud.
The waiting has begun and the nasty progesterone suppositories. What fun. I should know by Christmas if I'll get what I really want this year. This being the season of miracles maybe I'll get one of my own.
We had fun at the appreciation dinner last night, it was great hearing all the praise people had for my husband for all his hard work. Lots of shaking hands with directors, VP's, and other big-wigs of the company. Everyone had great things to say about my husband. I'm really proud.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Weekend
Where did the weekend go? It always goes by so fast. I have a long list of things I wanted to get done and I barely scratched the surface. I did do a lot so it wasn't a complete waste.
We finished baking our Christmas cookies, and assembled a package to send to friends in California, that will go out today. The others can wait a little longer.
I did a ton of laundry, and baked more apple pies (1 yet again for our neighbors). Sunday we went shopping for a few Christmas presents, and bought our Christmas cards.
I’ve been doing the ovulation strips, and I think it was positive yesterday so we’ve been trying a lot lately. Soon it will be the waiting game again.
This week will be busy. We have an appreciation dinner tomorrow night at a fancy place for all the work my husband did on a huge proposal (plus all the travelling), and the company wide holiday party is Friday night, I have a fabulous dress and amazing shoes to wear. I’ll have to be sure to take some pictures. So we’ll get two free meals this week.
The one thing I wanted to do this weekend and didn’t get to was crocheting Sean’s booties. I have a pair for Isabella that normally sit on my nightstand, but at Christmas I hang them on the tree next to her ornament. I want Sean to have his pair on the tree next to his sister’s.
We finished baking our Christmas cookies, and assembled a package to send to friends in California, that will go out today. The others can wait a little longer.
I did a ton of laundry, and baked more apple pies (1 yet again for our neighbors). Sunday we went shopping for a few Christmas presents, and bought our Christmas cards.
I’ve been doing the ovulation strips, and I think it was positive yesterday so we’ve been trying a lot lately. Soon it will be the waiting game again.
This week will be busy. We have an appreciation dinner tomorrow night at a fancy place for all the work my husband did on a huge proposal (plus all the travelling), and the company wide holiday party is Friday night, I have a fabulous dress and amazing shoes to wear. I’ll have to be sure to take some pictures. So we’ll get two free meals this week.
The one thing I wanted to do this weekend and didn’t get to was crocheting Sean’s booties. I have a pair for Isabella that normally sit on my nightstand, but at Christmas I hang them on the tree next to her ornament. I want Sean to have his pair on the tree next to his sister’s.
Friday, December 5, 2008
More About Christmas
We talked more about it last night and I feel like I'm being guilted into going. The card he always plays is that his grandparents aren't going to be around that much longer. So if we don't go and they die soon, well, lots of guilt all around. I would feel bad about it, but the grandparents aren't much better than the parents. Actually they're more dismissive and invalidating. But I attribute that to them being old. Both grandmothers had two miscarriages, but things were different back then. It wasn't until I had it out with my husband's paternal grandmother that she let on that she was upset about her miscarriages. She said that she just didn't have time to grieve because she had her daughter at home and her husband to take care of. And she expected me to buck up or not get too down about it because I would just upset my husband. Like not upsetting him was my whole purpose in life. Sorry, but I'm not a housewife, I don't have a baby at home already and even if I did I would still be upset. So while people who've never had a loss can say horrible things, sometimes the people who have had losses think you should get through it just like they did.
It ain't the 50's anymore.
It ain't the 50's anymore.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Christmas
I got really upset with my husband the other night. It seems that before/during/after visiting my in-laws we fight a lot. I just don't enjoy being there anymore. I get anxious before we go, I'm miserable while we're there and I'm still recovering from it even though we've been home for 5 days now.
A seemingly small thing happened Monday night and I flipped out. My husband knows how to push my buttons and then is always surprised when I react. In my anger I told him that I wasn't going to Christmas with his family. What a relief that would be.
Things have settled down between us, but amazingly when he brought up Christmas today at lunch time, he talked about it with uncertainty. "If" we go in for Christmas. I thought that was interesting. I'm starting to think "I might get away with this". This not going to the in-laws.
In newsletters from Share or Hospice it gives you tips for the holidays. Ways to remember your baby, things you can do to honor them. It also says not to do things that make you uncomfortable and to listen to and be gentle with yourself.
I think Christmas would be so much more comfortable if I spent it at home.
A seemingly small thing happened Monday night and I flipped out. My husband knows how to push my buttons and then is always surprised when I react. In my anger I told him that I wasn't going to Christmas with his family. What a relief that would be.
Things have settled down between us, but amazingly when he brought up Christmas today at lunch time, he talked about it with uncertainty. "If" we go in for Christmas. I thought that was interesting. I'm starting to think "I might get away with this". This not going to the in-laws.
In newsletters from Share or Hospice it gives you tips for the holidays. Ways to remember your baby, things you can do to honor them. It also says not to do things that make you uncomfortable and to listen to and be gentle with yourself.
I think Christmas would be so much more comfortable if I spent it at home.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Monday, December 1, 2008
Carol's Blog and In-Laws
Carol's Blog is so comforting to me. I read her latest post this morning and left this comment:
It's the lack of words that hurt me the most. All weekend at my in-laws' house and not a word was mentioned about Isabella or Sean. It's so uncomfortable, so awkward that I can’t even bring them up because I know I will cry. I hate crying in front of them. Those people aren’t worth my tears. My husband’s grandmother on his mother’s side is extremely religious, that’s where his mom gets it. We were visiting with her on Friday afternoon and somehow the conversation turned to what she does over the course of the day since it takes her so long to do anything as she’ll be 84 in a few months. She mentioned her daily prayers and how she spends a half an hour or so praying the Rosary and praying for people who have died, and that there’s a special Mass for her uncle/cousin/someone coming up. I mentioned that we’ve had Mass Intentions done for Isabella and Sean, and she asked if that was even right. I realize that being old she has no clue how people feel about these things today. But just that she would ask such a thing, as if to say The Church doesn’t even recognize your loss so why would they bother doing anything to comfort you. Things like that are worse than the silence, so I guess I’ll stick with not talking about Isabella or Sean around them.
It seems to my husband's grandmother, it's not that Isabella or Sean never took a breath, or weren't born, it's that they weren't baptized. My husband and I had a long discussion about this on the walk back to his parents' house. A baby that dies before it is born can be assumed "baptized by intention". That means that had Isabella been born and lived we would have had her baptized. But also it seems to me that original sin isn't put on your soul until you are born when free will supposedly kicks in, so a baby that dies without taking a breath has no sin to be baptized from and therefore should go straight to heaven without any restriction. I'll have to contact a Canon Lawyer to really get into the meat of that.
I'm happy that we came home on Saturday afternoon. I don't think I could have made it one more day. It's strange that I've come full circle. I use to dread the holidays because of my horrible father and all his craziness, then I enjoyed them because my husband's family was so wonderful and we had so much fun. Then Isabella died and it all changed. I'm back to dreading the holidays because we spend most of them with them.
The silence is deafening.
It's the lack of words that hurt me the most. All weekend at my in-laws' house and not a word was mentioned about Isabella or Sean. It's so uncomfortable, so awkward that I can’t even bring them up because I know I will cry. I hate crying in front of them. Those people aren’t worth my tears. My husband’s grandmother on his mother’s side is extremely religious, that’s where his mom gets it. We were visiting with her on Friday afternoon and somehow the conversation turned to what she does over the course of the day since it takes her so long to do anything as she’ll be 84 in a few months. She mentioned her daily prayers and how she spends a half an hour or so praying the Rosary and praying for people who have died, and that there’s a special Mass for her uncle/cousin/someone coming up. I mentioned that we’ve had Mass Intentions done for Isabella and Sean, and she asked if that was even right. I realize that being old she has no clue how people feel about these things today. But just that she would ask such a thing, as if to say The Church doesn’t even recognize your loss so why would they bother doing anything to comfort you. Things like that are worse than the silence, so I guess I’ll stick with not talking about Isabella or Sean around them.
It seems to my husband's grandmother, it's not that Isabella or Sean never took a breath, or weren't born, it's that they weren't baptized. My husband and I had a long discussion about this on the walk back to his parents' house. A baby that dies before it is born can be assumed "baptized by intention". That means that had Isabella been born and lived we would have had her baptized. But also it seems to me that original sin isn't put on your soul until you are born when free will supposedly kicks in, so a baby that dies without taking a breath has no sin to be baptized from and therefore should go straight to heaven without any restriction. I'll have to contact a Canon Lawyer to really get into the meat of that.
I'm happy that we came home on Saturday afternoon. I don't think I could have made it one more day. It's strange that I've come full circle. I use to dread the holidays because of my horrible father and all his craziness, then I enjoyed them because my husband's family was so wonderful and we had so much fun. Then Isabella died and it all changed. I'm back to dreading the holidays because we spend most of them with them.
The silence is deafening.
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