Wednesday was a rough day. I was very stressed out for my chemistry test on Thursday. At lunch time I stopped in to see one of my instructors from last semester. I cried in her office and told her about my latest loss. She is such a sweet and kind spoken person I actually laughed through my tears when she exclaimed, "Shit!" Twice as a matter of fact. I don't mind swearing per se, I've sworn plenty depending on the situation, but she just doesn't seem like the swearing type at all so it was surprising and actually pretty amusing. We talked a bunch about what I've been through, specialists I've seen and she automatically starting thinking of other avenues, other ways to get the help I need to actually produce a baby. Her husband is an MD and she teaches all types of biology course so she knows a ton. Later that day she emailed me a link to a website for reproductive immunology. Between this place and the one I previously mentioned in NYC there has to be an answer. I'll hope a little for that.
Thankfully when I got to my chemistry lab shortly after talking to her, I found out we would be having our test as a take-home!! What a relief! I probably asked two or three times if he was serious before I really believed him.
The day only got slightly better with that news though (as evidenced by my previous post). I still feel out of sorts.
Yesterday I decided not to go to work in the afternoon. I have so much going on with school I felt like I was drowning in it. I don't want to list off all the assignments that are due, that would just depress me! So I went home and while this wasn't school work, I went through my medical reports to gather the test results to one place. I'm meeting with my sweet instructor this afternoon to talk about my options more and wanted to have things more in order for that.
I had an appointment with a therapist/NP on Tuesday. She gave me a prescription for Ativan to help me sleep. I'm so glad it works. It sucks so much to go to bed at the same time as my husband and then lie there for a hour or more while he's breathing loud and occasionally snoring. He seriously hits the pillow and is completely out within a minute. Sometimes less. I wish I could do that.
My husband and I went for a walk Wednesday after he got home from work and we talked about baby stuff and what to do. He said we can't do anything about the past we can only look forward. Which basically translates to, "stop crying about the past". That's hard to do. I want to grieve for Samantha, for Sean and especially Isabella during these few day. Extrapolating his philosophy it would be like saying, "My grandfather died yesterday. Ok, enough of that, what's for dinner?" I don't understand why he won't let me or doesn't understand me being sad for a time. As if that is going to influence future results.
So today I go to school for one class, then I'll wait around to meet with my instructor friend and see what we can find in my stack of records. After that, who knows.
Tomorrow is the walk in Northampton. It's also Isabella's 3 year anniversary. I'm sure my emotional week is directly correlated to this milestone. Looking back at that awful time I'm sure I never thought that when 3 years goes by I would still be in this boat. "Childless", miserable, adrift.
Where will I be 3 years from now?
6 years ago
3 comments:
I admire you for knowing what you need and not being afraid to do just that for yourself.
I'm sending you positive thoughts to get through the day today. (((HUGS)))
Shannon, I'm saddened to hear you and hubby are on different pages regarding the losses of your precious babes. I don't think it's anything more than men not being in tune to or understanding the connection between a mother and her unborn child. That love is so strong and so instinctive and with most men, they cannot fathom something like that because they cannot see it. That is, until the baby is born, it's somewhat of a mystery to them and they are not as strongly emotionally connected. Those are your children, of course you need to grieve them. Miscarriage pain is horrific because there is no closure oftentimes, no funeral or memorial service, no honouring of that little life that grew inside you. I'm so sorry that you're feeling so sad and questioning your future. I'm thinking about you and praying, praying, praying that these new docs find some answers for you. Much love...
Men see things differently and the hardest thing for them is that they want to fix everything. I have learned with my hubby that I have to say, "I do NOT want you to fix this. I just need you to listen for a bit." Through that he has found that I babble on an on a lot less because I feel heard and the pressure is taken off of him to FIX the problem. I can't say it works every time but it works MOST of the time. Also, I think to them the baby that you had a connection with because it was inside you is just an idea of what might be to him. they do not have the same experience as we do. I know it is very difficult when you feel you are at different places but you really just need to talk about those differences and understand where each other is coming from. With IF as with anything COMMUNICATION is the most important thing. even if what the other person has to say is not necessarily what you want to hear.
Anyway, that is my 2 cents worth. IF just makes everything so difficult...it sucks!
You are in my thoughts. Sending you hugs from all the way over here!
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