Today was a crazy day. Very busy at work. Plans to go on two more business trips, one to Georgia this month and back to Seattle next month. My husband suggested as an anniversary present we go to the No Doubt concert in Boston next month so we bought our tickets for that. Things are shaping up to be pretty busy in the near future.
I had my first appointment with my therapist today in a long time. I feel like we barely skimmed the surface of everything that has been going on. I should make a list...
I'm crazy hormonal and my husband and I have been fighting a lot. Tiny little things are annoying the crap out of each of us and then blowing up into shouting matches. It just reaffirms for me that having a baby won't take away these last 2 years, won't erase all the pain, won't make things happily ever after.
My cycle is still all messed up. Sunday was my last day of taking the prometrium, so on cue I had bleeding yesterday and again today, not a lot and not bright red, but it's just more mess to the conundrum that is this cycle. I have no idea what day it is. I got a refill of clomid, but I don't know when to use it. My doctor is on vacation until Monday so I can't possibly get any answers or even educated guesses until then. There's nothing like trying to ask the "on-call doctor" what to do when they have barely looked at your chart and get impatient when you try to explain to them what's going on in your own body because obviously the 5 seconds they've spent on the phone with you makes them an expert on your case. Whatever.
But do I even want to try anymore? With all the fighting, all the disappointment, all the shouting, is it worth it?
My husband listed our 3 options during the hour long drive to the cat heart specialist on Tuesday:
1. Keep trying to have a baby.
2. Start the adoption process to have a baby.
3. Not have children at all.
I can't imagine #3, I'm not ready to even think about #2, and I don't know how much more I can take of #1. To think that I use to look forward to sex, that it was fun, exciting, spontaneous. Now it's just a scheduled chore. I'm disgusted with myself and what my relationship with my husband has become.
Is there an option 4?
Oh, and tomorrow is 2 years for Isabella.
731 days.
17,544 hours.
1,052,640 minutes.
63,158,400 seconds.
I can only go forward, but to what? What can the future possibly hold?
6 years ago
2 comments:
Shannon, none of us know what the future holds, that in itself is a gift. All the pain, disappointment and heartache probably won't go away, but time will soften the blows. Don't give up on being a mother if it's what you really want. If your marriage is worth fighting for, then fight with all your heart to make things right again, the rest will fall into place. I wouldn't even attempt the clomid if your cycle is so messed up. Skip a month, then on the first day of your next period start counting. Day three to start the clomid, day fourteen to start the heparin and prometrium. Do the baby dance every day or every other day from day eight to day fourteen. You can get pregnant, it's happened before. Success is inevitable as long as you keep trying. Hugs
Thank you for your encouragement. I'm just so tired and beat down. I feel so miserable and just want to cry and scream and tear my hair out and dig my fingernails into my skin until I bleed. I hurt so much and all the fighting just pushes my husband away so I have no comfort, no warm embrace, no soothing words whispered in my ear.
I feel like I'm beating a dead horse. Or as the song says "chasing pavements". A lost cause.
How many times must I get back up? This too will pass, but when, dammit, when???
(I'm not yelling at you, more just cursing the sky in futility.)
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