It’s been a while. I’ve been pretty bummed out lately and haven’t felt like writing about it on my blog. I’ve also considered taking my blog down and leaving the world of dead baby blogging. It’s still something I’m considering.
Last Friday I noticed a post a friend of mine had made on Facebook saying something about maternity/newborn photo shoots. I gathered that she is pregnant. For those of you who’ve read my blog for a while, she’s the one who was maid of honor at my wedding (almost 5 years ago), but then asked me NOT to be in hers. She’s the one who told me last July that I was too much of a bummer to be friends with and more or less pushed me over the edge into full out depression and 2 months of not working, taking antidepressants and all that unpleasantness. On Saturday morning she called me and left a voice mail confirming that she is indeed pregnant. Parts of the message were garbled but she might have said something about this news being difficult for me. (No shit.) My husband and I were getting ready to go to a party across the state so I didn’t call her back. I know I shouldn’t have let it, but it ruined my whole day. Not one part of me feels happy for her. Mostly I just never want to hear from her again. It seems to me to be exponentially unfair how easy it is for other people. I don’t want suggestions on how I can make myself happy for her or delude myself in any way, but how can I keep myself from being consumed by it? Everywhere I go there are pregnant women, huge bellies, couples with small children, and then there are the comments they make because they have no clue what we’ve been through. At the party a couple we’ve met once before were departing because their kids were getting tired and she said to me “it sucks having kids”. I wanted to slap her and shake her and tell her what really sucks. I’m just filled with a lot of anger. I’m jealous, I’m bitter, I’m at a loss for words to even describe the depths of my misery.
I’m sure that starting my period on Friday didn’t help the whole situation. Not that it wasn’t unexpected, but this is the first normal period since the beginning of April. At least I feel like we have a chance this month. No matter how much I try and what I actually voice I still can’t help but think that it will happen this month. That I will get pregnant and it will stick and then in 9 months I’ll have a healthy baby. I suppose if I didn’t think that then I would have already given up.
At the beginning of May I had an MRI done of my uterus. Because the HSG was inconclusive an MRI was the only way to really see what things look like in there. My doctor called with the results and said that there is basically nothing wrong with my uterus that would cause me pregnancy problems. It was one of those situations when you actually want to hear that something is wrong with your body. I actually hoped that I would need surgery to fix some sort of malady. Instead there are no answers. Just bad luck.
While my husband and I drove home from the party this weekend we had a long talk during the 2.5 hour car ride. Generally speaking my husband has just been going along for the ride <-- ha ha. All the tests are done to me (although he’s nice and comes with me), I make all the phone calls to the doctor’s office and deal with the crappy office staff. He doesn’t question much, but this time he had a lot to say on our baby making mission. He said he wanted to see a specialist, he wanted a doctor to guide us rather than us (me) suggesting a course of action and having my doctor go along with it. I had asked my doctor if I could email him in an effort to avoid some of his office staff so we drafted an email to him to ask him all these things. We mentioned about our trek back in January to an RE an hour away who had nothing for us unless we wanted to do IUI or IVF. We didn’t want to have the same outcome. He’s currently working on getting us an appointment out in Boston. After his last response I’m beginning to worry that it won’t be any different than our January appointment only it will be further away and even less convenient. He said that he can’t guarantee that we won’t have the same experience with another RE. While I can understand that it makes me wonder what the point is. So I asked him. I asked him if there was anything that could be done for us. I asked what he would do if he were in our situation. Now I wait.
When I talked to my husband about my doctor’s email and how we should respond to it and because it sounded so discouraging my husband said “maybe we should just adopt”. He mentioned a long time ago that there was a file cabinet in his office where people leave random paper backs and other books available for people to borrow or keep. There was a book about adoption there. He said to me it felt like a sign to him that it was there in his office where he would walk by it several times a day. So I asked him if that book was still around and that maybe he should bring it home. He replied that it’s already at home, he took it a few weeks ago and that he was waiting until the right time to tell me. He’s apparently had it on his night stand all this time, but it’s on top of or tucked into a tall stack of books and he purposefully had it turned around so that the title didn’t face the bed for me to see. He’s very sneaky. He said he hasn’t started looking at it yet and wanted to give it a few more months to think about it. Depending on the outcome of this month and/or the whole RE referral fiasco we might have to crack that book open sooner rather than later.
In the meantime, we’ll try our hardest this month. I’m taking clomid, I’m going to do some ovulation tests since my doctor suggested waiting until after ovulation to start the progesterone as it might mess things up if I take it too soon. And I’m not going to bother with the lovenox until I get a positive pregnancy test. I know I’ve gotten pregnant twice without taking it, so I have to hope that it can be done again. And even though the bruises have faded I still have nickel to quarter sized marks on my abdomen from the lovenox I took in April. It’s just as well to put that off until I know I need it.
In my attempts to de-stress I’ve gone for a couple massages and I did yoga for the first time on Monday. Tonight I have another massage of the hot stone variety. 90 minutes of pure enjoyment and relaxation. I plan on making use of the whirlpool and sauna beforehand.
All I want to do is retreat into my bubble and not deal with the rest of the world. Not have to react to their comments or pregnancy announcements. To take some deep breaths, sleep without dreams, and find some way to be happy again.
It’s been so long since then.
8 comments:
You are more than justified in your feelings of anger! I can not begin to imagine what you have been through. I am so incredibly sorry for your losses. People are really stupid. We lost our first pregnancy at 8 weeks and my boss (a women...who I no longer work for) told me "all a miscarriage is is a very period. Next time, don't take the test so early." I was floored. I wanted to cuss her out and tell her what a horrible B**ch she was but I was in such shock of her insensitive comments that all I could do is walk out of her office and cry. I think you are right. People who haven't been through what we have, really have no understanding of the desperation and emptiness that comes along with losing a child in matter how far along you are. I spent 5 1/2 months on bedrest with my daughter...we almost lost her numerous times. I am so grateful that I have been blessed with a child and so sad I never got to know my first. We love our children from the moment we know they are growing in our bodies and no one can take that away from us! I hope and pray that you get pregnant soon and I wish you nothing but the best!
I do understand your misery Shannon, I was there too. I couldn't understand why we lost the baby every time I found out I was pregnant. The heparin worked for me, I know it will work for you too. There are probably just timing issues to work out. Make sure you test the moment you realize you are late so that you can get on the Lovenox right away. I'll be thinking babydust thoughts for you...Hugs
I can't even imagine, honey. Our journeys are so different- I haven't had to deal with the frustrations of infertility but all the same, all of your feelings of helplessness and defeat are so familiar to me.
I want to slap that friend of yours! People can be so mean. And the woman who said her kids are a pain? That's horrible!
I don't think there's a wrong path from where you are now- as long as it's the right one for you. Whether you find that the new RE works miracles, or continue to try the old fashioned way, or move down the road to adoption, I think all of those are good options, as long as you and hubby are in it together, and it feels right to you.
Like the quote you posted a few days ago- in time, all of this will just be a blip on the radar. OMG, can you imagine?
Thinking of you and wishing for a brighter day.
shannon,
People suck. That "friend" sounds toxic and I would want to cut her out of my life too. I haven't got any suggestions for you - I can only say that I truly, truly get it. I spent Saturday afternoon listening to a friend and her SIL talk about getting pregnant, and how she "tried for so long" for baby #2. As in, 3 months. Try 3 years, lady. The sucky part is that she KNOWS about our struggles. It seemed like boasting to me. Oh, and both of these women used drugs during their pregnancies, and somehow ended up with live, healthy babies.
Sending hugs your way. Too bad we don't live closer - it'd be nice to actually meet someone face to face who has been here.
I know how you feel. It is so frustrating to have to go through it month after month and never a good result. It's hard and all I can say is it sucks real bad!
Also I know about the wanting something to be wrong with you just so there is something to fix and something to give you hope. I had the same problem when they did testing after my 3rd miscarriage. I was very discouraged when they told me nothing was wrong. Well obviously there is if I can't do what women are born to do.
I definitely think you have every right to feel all the feelings you do. It is completely normal. I go through the same thing. Some days are easier then others to move through and then bad days come and I want to hide away.
I really hope you continue to blog because I enjoy reading but if you don't I completely understand. Make sure you take care of yourself. The massages sound GREAT!!!
((HUGS))
Parker's Paradise: What a horrible thing to say! A miscarriage is not a late period! Once you know you're pregnant you can't even pretend that it's just a late period, you know it's a baby.
Margaret: I will probably wait until the 30th day or so to test, if it were up to my doctor he wouldn't have me test until the 35th day. That's just crazy!
Heather: I chatted with a friend who went the adoption route and then they got pregnant during the adoption process and now have another on the way! He said to me today "if you told me 3 years ago this would be our situation I would have LAUGHED in your face and told you that you're absolutely crazy". I really can't imagine being able to say that some day, but I really hope I will be able to. I think one of the hard parts for me about adoption is how expensive it is. I think it's just crazy when that money could go toward the care of that baby or a college fund!
Wifey: I'm pretty sure that my "friend" got pregnant the first month she tried. Last year at some point she told me of their game plan, they want to move back to her home state and that after their big trip to Hawaii in February they were going to start trying. She's supposedly ~ 15 weeks now, so unless they changed the plan, she got pregnant the first time they tried. If I was there, I would have said to that SIL "boo hoo, it took you 3 months! Cry me a river!" And drugs no less. That’s horrible. I seriously feel like some people don't deserve to have kids. If you're ever in or passing through western Mass, let me know! :)
Michelle: It was definitely weird to feel that way about the test results, hoping that I would need some crazy surgery. I guess it's good that I don't, but it's so frustrating not knowing what is wrong. Thanks for the blogging encouragement. A lot of times I feel like I write about boring stuff and that my life isn't that exciting and it's all just me complaining and who wants to hear about that? It seems that each entry is a variation of a previous one, same shit, different day. That's why I didn't write for a while. I got tired of hearing myself complain. I could write about other stuff but then it wouldn't be a dead baby blog and it would be even more boring. (And I would probably just complain about other things.) I feel like wallowing in it doesn't help me, but I'll hold out on taking down my blog for now.
Shannon--
While part of me understands you wanting to get rid of this blog, I am SO glad that you have the blog as an outlet.
As the others have stated before me. Your feelings are justified! You have a right to be angry, or happy, or sad, or pissed off...NO ONE can tell you how to feel. You have to experience the feelings that will best help you move on with the next chapter of your life.
I am sorry that "friends" are sometimes so hurtful. (Maybe it isn't fair of me to judge, but what kind of mother says that having kids "sucks?" UGH!)
Hang in there, friend! You have so many people thinking of you and praying for you!
I am so sorry. I cannot imagine how you must be feeling through all of this. I know how I feel in my situation and it's so horrible. I went into preterm labor at 23 weeks and our little boy didn't make it. I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm sorry that people have been crappy to you and not understanding. It is such an isolating thing to go to. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
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