Regarding the grieving father, he said to me "at least I had 11 years with the most wonderful daughter a father could ask for". I thought to myself it sucks that it was only 11 years. I told my therapist about this and he said "do you think that he would have rather not had his daughter at all?" Of course I don't think that he would have rather not have had his daughter for those 11 years, just that there should have been so many more years from here on out. I've read and heard of many women/couples say that they are glad they had those few hours with their still born baby or the few hours before their baby died in their arms. But for me I had none of that and on top of it a lot of invalidation for my feelings so a part of me can wish that I was never pregnant those times to have those losses because in the end I really had nothing. I never felt Isabella move, I never held her, I never got to see what she looked like, if she would have looked like me or like my husband. And I lost my idyllic perception of my husband's family due to their insensitivity to these losses. The poems I've written (Isabella, Each Day) have multiple meanings as poems like to do. Obviously I can't recapture my innocence, I can't bring Isabella back to life, but I also can't recapture how I use to feel about my husband's family. That has been changed forever. And of course I made a point of referring to myself as Isabella's mother in her poem since my husband's parents made such a point of denying me that title.
A "normal" grieving process supposedly takes a year. I don't think a year of grieving will cover it when your child dies. As long as you live you will constantly be reminded that they aren't there with you, birthdays, holidays, and all the milestones that they should have reached, first day at school, graduations, their wedding day. Your future is irrevocably changed, the road has split to a cruel alternate reality, a living nightmare.
I really wish none of this had ever happened. And when I think that it makes me even more sad that it did. And then I wish I was dead so I wouldn't have to feel this way anymore.
"Realize that the answer is inextricably contingent upon the type of life being led... and, of course, the quality of the pancakes."
Dustin Hoffman as Dr. Jules Hilbert in "Stranger Than Fiction"
6 years ago
6 comments:
I know what you mean. Every time I wish I would have never found out I was pregnant. Sending you ((HUGS))
I, too, understand where you are. I never had the few hours with my son and know all too well the insensitive family( ies).
Thank you for sharing the poems.
Shannon, I too have wished that I was dead rather than to live with the pain of losing my son. Truthfully though, none of us know what the future has in store for us and I keep hanging on for tomorrow. Your loss should be validated. You are a mother whether you held your children, felt them move, saw them or not. You carried those babies. I have struggled to with my husband's family's lack of sensitivity and acknowledgement. They didn't want pictures of Calvin because it hurt too much. So they pretend he didn't exist for those six days he lived in the ICU. It hurts alot and to be honest, I don't think that anyone who has lost a child will ever stop mourning that loss. Who makes up these figures or timelines anyway? Certainly not anyone who has lived through our pain. Sending you lots of hugs
I just wanted you to know that you are a Mother. You will always be a Mother to those babies. Please know that you feelings and emotions are completely valid. I am so sorry. This is such a horrible journey to be on. I pray peace and comfort for you today. Please know that you are NOT alone.
The poems are beautiful!! Thank you for sharing!
I nominated you for an award. Check it out. ((HUGS))
Post a Comment