Worries

I made it to the meeting last night, the drive wasn’t so bad. I met Carol and another group starter from away for dinner and then we went to the hospital to set up for the meeting. I remembered one couple who was there from the Parent’s Panel back in November. I did a lot of listening and got some ideas for my meeting coming up in less than 2 weeks. It’s almost time to start freaking out about that. Considering I cried a fair amount during the meeting last night I’m worried that I won’t be able to get through my own introduction without crying my eyes out.

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On the way through the hospital we picked up some supplies which were in a closet near the birthing area of the hospital, Carol mentioned that was where she gave birth to her children, where “the shit hit the fan”. Carol and the other woman talked about the fear of going back to the room or ward where their babies died. I’ve never given birth so I don’t identify with that, but it made me think of my increasing anxiety about my OBGYN’s office. It really sucks too, because he is so nice, but it seems like I only get bad news at his office and it doesn’t help that he has a bitch nurse or whatever making phone calls. I’ve specifically told my doctor that I never want to hear from her again and that she shouldn’t be allowed to have contact with patients.

I have a yearly scheduled for the end of February. I don’t want to sit in the waiting room with pregnant women like I did the day I found out Sean was dead. I don’t want to deal with some of the snotty staff or somehow cross paths with the nurse from hell. I only know her name not her face so if I saw her I wouldn’t know it, but it’s likely she would know me. Would she know what I said to my doctor about her? My stomach is twisting in knots just thinking about stepping foot in there.

I so don’t want to go. Do I have to?