Waiting for Answers

It's been a rough week or so. I had my biopsy on Saturday. Margaret was right, that was horrible. I didn't think it would be so painful but it was. The 4 Advil I took an hour before might as well have been M&M's. After it was over, for the walk to the car and drive home (my husband drove) I was ok, but once at home I was cramping and having weird pains no matter what I did, how I positioned myself or moved or even if I just lay still. Saturday turned out to be a super nice day out and I spent it on my back. I felt like it was a big waste of sunshine. I should be getting the results in the next day or so. As crappy as it would be to have something wrong and have to take insane amounts of antibiotics, I think it would be even crappier if nothing was wrong because then I would have no answers, no reason for all my miscarriages. And then where would that leave me?

It was strange being at the doctor's office on a Saturday. The place was empty. Just my doctor, a receptionist and a nurse (who has to watch everything going on down there, thanks for that). The woman who had her appointment before me didn't appear to be pregnant and as she left I was nice enough to inform her that her zipper was down, so she was happy that she didn't go about her day like that. I had the usual stuff done also while I was there and oddly enough my doctor had quite the conversation with me while he went through the motions. It was a little awkward but I tried to not think about what his hands were doing and just focused on the conversation. He's known for sometime that I haven't been enjoying my job and asked if that was still the case. Umm, yup. So he suggested that I go back to school and become an OBGYN. All I need to take are 4 classes (biology, organic chemistry, ...) to apply and then it's 4 years of school, and 4 years of residency. Easy, right? I'd be 40 by the time I'm done. I don't know if I'm flattered that he suggested it, or think he was just joking with me. I've spent a lot of time thinking about it since the appointment and I emailed him last night about it:

"I've been thinking a lot about what you said about going back to school to be an OBGYN. Part of me is really interested, but then the other part of me (the practical side) thinks it's a bad idea. Considering I want to have kids and be able to spend time with them, being in school and working crazy hours doesn't seem like the way to do that. It may be impressive to a lot of people that I have a degree in electrical engineering from RPI, but I didn't have a great GPA. It was a 2.4, and I think that one of the big reasons why I got into RPI and later got a job was because I'm female. Overall I think I'm a pretty lazy person, but that could just be because the last 3 years have really beat me down. If things had gone as planned I would have a daughter (Isabella) who would be almost 2 years old now. Maybe she would have a sibling already or on the way. Instead I've been pregnant about 7 times and my whole world has been turned upside down. I converted to Catholicism before (my husband) and I got married 5 years ago, now I don't think I should be Catholic anymore. I can't stand my in-laws, especially my mother-in-law who doesn't have an empathetic bone in her body. Aside from all that I've nearly passed out several times from seeing injuries or being injured and did pass out twice. There's also the small problem that there aren't any medical school around here, so I would either have to commute or move, and I still have $43,000 in student loans from RPI.

"So aside from my own personal experience being pregnant and being female in general, it seems pretty far fetched. I partially wonder how serious you were when you suggested it. I don't expect you to try to sell me on this, I just wanted you to know that I thought about what you said and appreciated that you thought it might be something good for me to do. Unfortunately I feel like I'm so unhappy with everything in my life that I can't make any decisions so I just stay stuck. And sometimes with the way things are going with my husband I wonder if we should even bother having kids or even stay married at all."

He hasn't responded yet, but he's not the quickest with email. At the appointment he was using a new electronic records tablet computer and said that he has such a hard time with it he's at work until 3am filling in charts. So I'm sure emails to his crazy patient fall low in priority. Besides, he's not a therapist.

So my husband decided we needed to have a long talk last night. He wants to decide what we're going to do with regard to the impending test results. If they come back normal or not. He thinks that if they're normal that we should still keep trying although he worries about me going through further disappointments. If they come back saying I have an infection/inflammation, then I would take the antibiotics, next month would be out, and we'd get back on the horse the next cycle. It's that easy. You just make a plan and then follow through with it. What could go wrong? Oh wait... never mind.

Later my mom called, she just got back from a trip out west the day before so we chatted for a little bit. She asked me how I was doing and I'm sure the tone of my voice when I said "fine" told her that I wasn't really fine. So I told her what was going on and about the biopsy and she asked the same old questions and said the same old things: "why are you testing so early", "have you gotten a second opinion on this blood clotting stuff?" "I think you're too stressed out", "just relax and it will happen". It makes me wonder why I even bother. Back in May when I made the video for Isabella and Sean she sent me an email saying I need to get over it and move on and that I was too obsessed. So I stopped talking to her about it. That crap doesn't help. I told her last night that I've been getting weekly massages, and I've been doing yoga, I've been trying to relax. Apparently that doesn't help either.

I thought I did everything right last month. Clomid and ovulation strips. Prometrium 3 days after LH surge, all kinds of sex, home pregnancy test on day 30, positive, again on day 33, still positive, but not darker, blood test - 19, repeated blood test on day 36 dropped to 4. So much for doing everything "right".

I'm so frustrated right now. I'm so frustrated with life.