Things didn't work out with the clomid. My period started really early too so the whole month was a mess. It crystallized some things for me and I'm making some tough decisions. I haven't been happy for a long time. I quit my engineering job, I went back to school, I applied for PA school, I became an EMT. But the whole while I still wasn't happy because I couldn't have a baby. My body wouldn't cooperate. I'm realizing now that for the last year or more I haven't even wanted to have a baby anymore. I just want to prove I can. So I can say with full confidence now I have given up. I no longer want to become pregnant because I have no hope left it would ever work out.
Another big decision is I won't be going back to church. I use to go every Sunday but stopped last year when Samantha died. I haven't been since. I already knew I wouldn't but I hadn't really stated it to my husband.
We had a talk last night. No more getting pregnant, no more church.
I feel like there should be no more us. I don't feel like I love him anymore. I haven't been in love with him for a while. We'd only have sex because we were going through the motions of trying to get pregnant. There was no intimacy. It's like we're room mates sharing a bed.
Maybe the happiness I've been searching for these last 2 years doesn't include him anymore. Maybe it's time to move on.
This misery needs to end.
6 years ago
3 comments:
I am so proud of you. My husband and I reached this very decision (to stop trying) and take control of our lives and happiness back in October. It was just too much and we were so damn tired of being stuck. I know how incredibly difficult it is, after wanting something so badly for so long. I started to type, "I'm sorry" but that wouldn't really be true. I hope that you're able to take a step back and be proud of yourselves for reaching this decision.
It's sad though about your relationship with your husband. I obviously don't know you and don't want to minimize what you've said, but could your love be lost in all the grief? Is it worth it to try counseling? (((HUGS))) to you. You're both in my thoughts.
I do not know what to say. Everything I try to type seems trivial given what you have been through. Just know there are people thinking of you. I am wishing you happiness... and hoping you find it very soon.
{{Hugs}}
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