I've been getting friendly with the fiancée of a friend of my husband's from his home town in PA. It's a bummer that she's far away, but we've been emailing back and forth a bunch and it's been really nice to get to know her better. She's a very good influence on my husband's friend, so it makes hanging out with him better than how he use to be.
So a few weeks ago we were in PA for my husband's sister's bridal shower and Friday night we got together with Alice and Craig and also another guy from my husband's childhood and his wife, Peter and Jane. (These are fake names by the way, but it's easier for referencing.) We went to a local bar for some drinks and munchies and at one point in the night, the guys decided to play some songs on the jukebox, and while they were up there Jane asked me if we were still trying to have kids. I sort of shrugged, nodded and said "yeah". It was so out of the blue and I always feel so caught off guard when people bring up pregnancy and babies. So that was it and we either talked about other stuff or the guys came back to the table. (Just for some back story on Jane, I've never gotten good vibes from her, although Peter is really nice. I don't know what I ever did to her, but she always seems really pissy and isn't very friendly.)
So yesterday Alice emailed me and said there was something she has been wondering about and asked if she heard right, that Jane asked if we were trying to have kids. And that if she did ask that it was really insensitive of her.
This is what I emailed back to her:
Jane asked if we were *still* trying to have kids. I don't know if Craig ever knew, but Peter and Jane did, I was pregnant a little over 2 years ago and she ended up dying. It's a long story which I can tell you more about later, but I got to 19 weeks so a lot of people knew I was pregnant. Her name is Isabella, she died in May 2007. I got pregnant again last year, but had a miscarriage at 9 weeks (April 2008), it was a boy and we (I) named him Sean. I don't think Jane or too many other people knew about that pregnancy. And not too many people know that I have been pregnant 5 times since then. I've had tons of tests done and I'm due to have another in a couple more weeks. I hope we finally get some answers. These last 5 are considered "chemical pregnancies" where if you didn't test you would think you were just having a late period. And while my mom and sister have admonished me for testing "early", I really have no choice. I learned after Isabella died that the reason why is because I have a blood clotting problem, so I have to find out as soon as possible (plus I really want to know!) so that I can take blood thinner injections (lovenox). Besides, testing on day 28 is not testing early. I don't know if you've looked at my Facebook stuff very much, but I posted a video that I put together of ultrasound pictures and other things from Isabella and Sean's short lives. My not so happy status posts of late is because I was pregnant last week and then found out the same thing was happening all over again. So I'm currently having a miscarriage, although it seems like a normal (but late) period, I know it's not.
So I can really relate to your feelings about unhealthy people, I feel that way about people who easily get pregnant and complain about being pregnant and then take their precious children for granted. I vow that when/if I ever have kids that I will never complain, not about poopy diapers, teething babies or any of it! I would love to have morning sickness, tons of stretch marks and c-section after c-section as well as being covered in drool, not knowing when my last shower was and my sole purpose in life to be a milk factory on demand day and night. That would be heaven for me.
That's probably a lot more information than you thought you would get. I feel sometimes like I want to tattoo these things across my face and shove it in everyone else's face, but I know that's a little crazy. As sad as this all is, I'm glad you asked and that I could share Isabella and Sean with one more person. It makes me a little bit happy to know that other people know their names.
Alice is such a nice person and I'm so glad that we're becoming friends and I could share all this with her. It's nice to have a sympathetic ear in real life.
6 years ago
5 comments:
It is so nice to have someone to lay the truth on. Glad you found her.
I'm glad for you too Shannon. It really helps to have someone in real life that genuinely cares. It can make all the difference when you're feeling down. I've been thinking alot about you lately, remembering what we went through in trying to have our first child also. I still believe it will happen for you Shannon. I don't know why our bodies do the things they do sometimes but I know that eventually after all the problems, our bodies learn to get it right. I'm glad we've been in touch, I know you probably didn't get as much response as you would have liked on the fertility forums but I think if you give it another chance, you might find some more support. Hugging you
Good for you! She sounds like just what you need right now! I'm so glad you have her in your life!
I am glad you could share with her too. It IS nice to talk to people that care.
Sometimes I like seeing the surprise on a friend's face when I tell them I've been pregnant four times in the last three years. It reminds me that this isn't normal, and that it's okay to be pissed about what I had to go through, and that it's also okay for me to pat myself on the back for being able to keep on going (like anyone has a choice?) despite the losses.
For what it's worth, I don't think a chemical pregnancy is anything like a late period. Maybe it's because all of mine have come after IVF, but I think they feel like what they are--miscarriages. Maybe not as bad as a miscarriage a few weeks later, but they still hurt like hell, physically, hormonally, and emotionally.
I'm so sorry you're going through another one. And so sorry about the beautiful named children you've lost as well. I know--though perhaps not as well as you--what it is to see the positive pregnancy test and think, "here we go again."
Take care. Baby yourself a bit. This isn't just a late period, and it's worth some extra self-care.
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