What to talk about?

I have an appointment this afternoon for therapy or whatever it's called. Some weeks I go in there wondering what the heck I'll talk about and next thing I know she's telling me we're out of time. I use to make a list of things but I stopped doing that. Things haven't been pressing in on me so much lately. Maybe I'll talk about my wasted weekend, or my crazy family. I have plenty of neuroses to work through, it would take years to straighten me out. She's not just a grief counselor so I can talk about anything. My husband and I were up late again last night talking about Isabella and Sean and how even though his parents and grandparents have apologized for past treatment of me I am still hanging onto that anger. How do I let it go?

The one thing that still eats me up is when I was told last year when I was pregnant that I could not participate in Mother's Day. I wasn't a Mother yet. It felt like a slap in the face at the time, in early April, and it was even worse when Isabella died the Tuesday before Mother's Day. This year I made a point of not participating. I still wasn't a mother to them. I didn't buy the cards, I didn't address them, I didn't mail them. Somehow buying, writing and mailing cards became my job, not this time. I didn't even get on the phone with my husband's mother or grandmothers that day. My husband's family is very religious. I consider myself religious but not to someone else's detriment. I'm sure they believe life begins at conception, yet when that life ends before birth it seems like to them it doesn't matter. They didn't hold a baby, then didn't have a relationship with it. I can ask all the right questions and get the right answers but of it doesn't add up to anything for them. Was I pregnant, yes. Was Isabella a product of me and my husband, yes. Was she alive, yes. Is she biologically my daughter, yes. Is she biologically your granddaughter, yes. All these questions, yes, but if I asked them they would probably say they aren't grandparents. They talk about when we have children, when they will have grandchildren. It's something that might happen someday. Isabella and Sean don't count. I feel like they are hypocrites because they are the type of people to be "pro-life" but if it's a miscarriage then it's no big deal?? That doesn't make sense to me. I don't like hearing about it being God's will. That's like saying God intended for me to hurt this much. I could take it even further and wonder if they think I should or am being punished for something. There are no answers. Only more questions.