Feeling sorry for myself...

So I didn't take a nap when I got home. I really should have. Instead I watched some episodes of a TV show I have on DVD and did some laundry. I pretty much sat on the couch from 2:30 until 7. I finally worked up some initiative and went for a walk/run around the neighborhood up the road. I didn't really feel better after, but my body was sore and tired.

An old friend of mine called me when I got back. We don't really talk that often and generally whenever she calls me she's on her way somewhere or otherwise multitasking which I find very rude. I know that when I call someone to catch up I designate the time and focus to do it. If they're busy and can't talk that's fine with me, but it just doesn't make sense to call people when you're the one who's busy. Actually the reason why she was calling was because a few days earlier she called, while she was on her way somewhere and only had a few minutes, so I asked her to call me when she had more time, without saying everything I've just written. So this was a scheduled call. We talked for a while, me crying, about everything that is a mess in my life. I complained about some things that my husband's dad did over the past weekend visit and I could feel the mood of the conversation change. Just for back story, last year after my husband's family treated me so horribly regarding Isabella's death, I complained to this friend and another over a camping trip in September. This has become an annual event for the 3 of us. This friend proceeded to take up the other side, play devil's advocate and generally make me feel like a whiny bitch for complaining about how I perceived their treatment of me. This after she had just finished complaining about her mom calling everyday concerned about her health as she was going through some sort of respiratory infection. I broke down in tears at the picnic table at the campsite asking her why she couldn't just let me vent about this. I don't know if she's just unfeeling, or can't relate because she's not babylost or what, but it really hurt. I felt like our friendship was on thin ice. It hasn't recovered.

So last night I said to her that I could tell that things had gotten tense and how it made me feel last year when we went camping. She got really offended that I was bringing up the past. I never understand why people get so worked up about the past. When someone wrongs me I have a hard time expressing myself in that moment, so time might pass and I'll bring it up later when I've had time to think about whatever it was. But then it's like I'm ambushing whoever wronged me and I'm now the one doing the wronging (if that's a word). She said that I only call her when something bad has happened, that she likes to surround herself with happy things. I asked if I was too much of a bummer to be her friend anymore. I can't pretend to be happy when I'm not. I can't put on a happy face just to please other people. I wanted to tell her how she only calls me to kill time as she goes from work to home. I wanted to tell her how much her comments when we were camping hurt me and still do. I wanted to tell her how hurt I was that she didn't ask me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding last year when she was my maid of honor. I wanted to tell her how used I felt when she thought a consolation prize for not being a bridesmaid would be for me to spend the day of her wedding setting up the reception hall (don't people who work there do this???). I wish I had said no, I felt so used. Oh, Shannon's organized and has attention to detail, I'll ask her, it's not like she'll be at the spa with me and the bridesmaids all day.

I feel like I don't have any friends. I don't have anyone to call, I don't have anyone to turn to. There are people in my life who hardly ever call me unless they want something. Like to invite themselves to visit supposedly to celebrate my 30th birthday and go to a spa nearby and spend all day there. I felt like they only came because they could stay at my house for free. I mean, who goes to the spa all day and only gets one treatment?

Uggh, all I do is complain. I really can't think of anything good that is going on in my life right now. It's no wonder that no one wants to hear from me, no one wants to talk to me, no one wants to be dragged down by me. I feel like I'm in a downward spiral, I think I've hit the bottom but then the bottom falls out on me. Maybe I need medication, or to be committed to a mental institute. Maybe all I need is a swift kick in the butt. I doubt it.

I feel dumb saying this, but I think the only thing that could possibly make me happy is if I got pregnant again. I would have something to look forward to, something to hope for, something to hang on to. It's hard to have hope. It's hard to think about trying again when I'm still so sad. Maybe I shouldn't bother.