Carol's Blog is so comforting to me. I read her latest post this morning and left this comment:
It's the lack of words that hurt me the most. All weekend at my in-laws' house and not a word was mentioned about Isabella or Sean. It's so uncomfortable, so awkward that I can’t even bring them up because I know I will cry. I hate crying in front of them. Those people aren’t worth my tears. My husband’s grandmother on his mother’s side is extremely religious, that’s where his mom gets it. We were visiting with her on Friday afternoon and somehow the conversation turned to what she does over the course of the day since it takes her so long to do anything as she’ll be 84 in a few months. She mentioned her daily prayers and how she spends a half an hour or so praying the Rosary and praying for people who have died, and that there’s a special Mass for her uncle/cousin/someone coming up. I mentioned that we’ve had Mass Intentions done for Isabella and Sean, and she asked if that was even right. I realize that being old she has no clue how people feel about these things today. But just that she would ask such a thing, as if to say The Church doesn’t even recognize your loss so why would they bother doing anything to comfort you. Things like that are worse than the silence, so I guess I’ll stick with not talking about Isabella or Sean around them.
It seems to my husband's grandmother, it's not that Isabella or Sean never took a breath, or weren't born, it's that they weren't baptized. My husband and I had a long discussion about this on the walk back to his parents' house. A baby that dies before it is born can be assumed "baptized by intention". That means that had Isabella been born and lived we would have had her baptized. But also it seems to me that original sin isn't put on your soul until you are born when free will supposedly kicks in, so a baby that dies without taking a breath has no sin to be baptized from and therefore should go straight to heaven without any restriction. I'll have to contact a Canon Lawyer to really get into the meat of that.
I'm happy that we came home on Saturday afternoon. I don't think I could have made it one more day. It's strange that I've come full circle. I use to dread the holidays because of my horrible father and all his craziness, then I enjoyed them because my husband's family was so wonderful and we had so much fun. Then Isabella died and it all changed. I'm back to dreading the holidays because we spend most of them with them.
The silence is deafening.
6 years ago
3 comments:
I would have had to leave I think, after a comment like that.
You're right, the silence is deafening. What a horrible thing to endure.
I'm really sorry.
If I had gotten up and left, I would have been the jerk, I would have been the one being disrespectful. It would have upset her, I'm sure, if I left. But who cares about my feelings. I'm all for being respectful, but not when others aren't respectful to me.
Eventually you run out of cheeks to turn.
As sad as it is, family can be toxic. I've begun to separate extended family from holidays. It's just not worth the hurt. The loss of a child, or children, seems to weed out those who have the ability to function in a sensitive or compassionate manner and those who don't. Unfortunately, I think that a good portion of the time family is made up of those who "don't". You are not alone. Warm thoughts to you.
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