Just in Time

Busy busy again. What's new? I've been going back and forth a lot with doctors about my latest blood work results and what they mean for a future pregnancy. The RE I saw out by Boston wants me to do intralipid if I get pregnant again and after some prodding from me to find out more about it he decided to actually test me for NK cells. So after a lot of hoopla with the lab they use I finally got them to just email me the lab slip to take with me to the local lab and the shipping label to send the blood where it needs to go. You'd think that would be easy, right?

Here's the super ironic part. I came across a place out in California that does reproductive immunology stuff. They send you a kit, you get all kinds of blood drawn and they test it and let you know what's wrong with you and why you're having miscarriage after miscarriage. Well, they are "out of network" so rather than spent thousands of dollars to get blood work done I called my insurance company and asked who was in-network so I could go there and possibly find out what my problem is. So I go to the place out by Boston, in-network, and didn't really get any new information but was told to go on intralipid. Then the blood work from my hematologist came back and I don't even have antiphospholipid antibody syndrome. But still do the intralipid. So let's actually test to see if I need it before paying an arm and a leg for that treatment because I'm pretty sure insurance won't cover that. Soooo, where do they want to send the blood to have it tested? The place in California! Not only that but they said they will bill my insurance and whatever the insurance doesn't pay is covered because the lab who's ordering the blood work has an agreement with the RE's office by Boston. So who cares that the place in California is out of network, I might actually get of scot free for this blood work. That would be nice.

So hopefully all will go smoothly tomorrow at the local lab, they'll draw the blood, send the stuff FedEx and in 6 calendar days after they receive it, I'll know something worth knowing.

It might be just in time for me to find out if I'm pregnant or not. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

A Fresher Look

So, after getting over myself I've realized that I really shouldn't have expected to get into a PA program at this point. I'm not done with my prerequisites and I don't have enough patient contact hours whereas I'm sure the other applicants have all completed theirs. Hopefully my GPA from long ago isn't much of a factor but I will have to retake the GRE and actually study for it. I'll work on that this fall. This summer is making me crazy with organic chemistry. Ochem1 is almost over. Last test and then a final this week. Next week, right into ochem2. Buh.

In other news, I'm taking clomid this month. I'm starting to think my OBGYN is pretty useless because he is either too busy with normal patients or doesn't want to exert the brain power to comprehend what is going on with me. So currently I'm off the aspirin, no plans for lovenox and wondering what this intralipid stuff is all about and if that will help at all if I get pregnant. I suggested the clomid for myself and he just goes with it. I wonder what else I could suggest and get a prescription for. :/

Enough of this, time to study all day for ochem.

I applied to two PA programs.

I didn't get accepted at either.

My life sucks.

I feel like it's all been a waste.

I'm a waste.

What To Do

Back from the hematologist again. Results say I don't have APS. What the hell?

Negative for lupus anticoagulant.
Negative for anti nuclear antibody.
Negative for factor 5 leiden.
Negative for anticardiolipin antibody.

But I am positive for one copy of the C677T mutation and one copy of the A1298C mutation for MTHFR.

He said, based on these results, I don't need to take low dose aspirin, and I don't need lovenox. But that I do need 4-5 mg of folic acid because of the MTHFR (I think, sometimes it's hard to keep it all straight and my hubby didn't come with me to help me listen and remember everything).

I sent an email to my OBGYN to let him know and see what he thought of the whole thing.

Regarding the fertility clinic, the only interesting and slightly new information I got was about "intralipid". I haven't found out much about it online so I asked my OBGYN about that too. My hematologist thought that might be a good idea. He thought I should check with my OBGYN before changing anything I'm doing as well. Hopefully he'll email me back soon, or maybe I'll see him in the office on Friday.

This is all so weird. Why does pregnancy have to be so mysterious? Why was Isabella so small for 19 weeks if not for APS? Obviously the aspirin and lovenox hasn't helped any and Sean and Samantha as well as Isabella all had normal chromosomes so what went wrong?

I don't understand.

I don't know what to do.

Stressed Out

I just got back from seeing my hematologist. He had me get blood work done: 15 vials! He wants to "make sure" I have APS so we can go from there. Basically he wanted to start over again and get all new tests done. That's fine with me. (He's actually a different doctor than I saw 2 years ago when I was pregnant with Sean. My very cool teacher at my local community college recommended him to me.)

I have an appointment with a fertility group next Friday. Even though they have IVF in their name they supposedly deal with recurrent miscarriage as well. The hematologist basically said if my problem really is my blood stuff then there's no reason for me to see an RE or anyone else. I guess we'll see what the results are but it won't be in time to cancel my appointment with the fertility folks so I'll just go, even though it's 2.5 hours away and a pain in the ass because who wants to be anywhere near Boston on a Friday afternoon.

Needless to say I cried a bunch in the doctor's office. It's not like I can't talk with a straight face about all this shit, I'm in rare form lately. I'm so stressed out right now. Damn you, o-chem! I feel like I'm perpetually in a state of anxiety. The tears are always right at the surface. Amazingly my blood pressure was 106/54. Pretty low considering how jacked up I feel.

I don't think we're going to "try" this month. My husband is leaving again for business a couple nights this week and then made plans to visit a friend on Friday night. It doesn't matter I guess. I think I actually study more when he's here but it shouldn't matter if he's not. I just miss having him around. He's my part time husband. :(

I feel so sad and lost. I don't think the reason is very clear cut which makes it even harder to deal with. I just wish it would go away.

for IFD & SED & SED

It's been a while. I've been insanely busy. I haven't really posted anything in almost a month. I finished up my last week of classes, then had a couple finals and ended up with a 4.0 for the semester. I barely squeaked my A in chemistry, if we hadn't had that take home test I'm sure I wouldn't have gotten an A.

Immediately the following week, May 25th, my summer class started. It's been non-stop organic chemistry since. I got a 75 on the first test (we have one every week!). On the one hand it's only a 6 week session, but on the other hand IT'S ONLY A 6 WEEK SESSION!! I'm not sure if having all the time a normal semester allows would help. This is hard.

I finally had my period, almost 6 weeks exactly after my D&C. It was pretty normal as periods go but it was coupled with starting my summer class and a 95° day. I felt like crap all day (partially from driving an hour to a different school and nervousness of finding my class and partially from the crazy heat and lack of AC at the school and especially in the lab) and also felt like I might pass out or throw up. I wondered if I was pregnant again and having another chemical pregnancy/miscarriage. There's no way to tell at this point but I was also an emotional wreck most of that week which I'm not normally during my period. But there were other contributing factors. I'm freaking out about this summer class! I feel like I'm in a constant state of anxiety attack. I'm really disappointed in the 75 but I went to a study session this morning and the prof who runs it said that I'm doing great with a 75 and as long as I stay around or above 50 I'll be fine. WHAT?!?! That is just ridiculous to me! But I'll take it, I guess. I don't want to not get an A and if a 75 translates to an A in o-chem then sign me up!

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In other news, 2 years ago I had a ring made. (I got the idea from Carol.) Originally it was going to have 2 stones, one for Isabella and one for Sean. Emerald and diamond for May and April. Some of the different designs I saw didn't look that great so I went with a three stone ring, emerald in the center and 2 diamonds - one on each side. I had "for IFD & SED" engraved inside the band. And now here I am with another April baby, Samantha. Her diamond already set in the ring. It's an unhappy coincident that my ring had a place waiting just for her. I got my ring back from the jeweler today, it now says "for IFD & SED & SED". The three babies I barely got to know before they were taken away from me.


I hope that since all the stones are spoken for I will have no more need for any extra memorials.

This is what I feel like posting on Facebook right now, but it's so in-your-face that I just shouldn't.

"Shannon wishes people would get married before getting knocked up and rubbing it in my face."

In This Boat

Wednesday was a rough day. I was very stressed out for my chemistry test on Thursday. At lunch time I stopped in to see one of my instructors from last semester. I cried in her office and told her about my latest loss. She is such a sweet and kind spoken person I actually laughed through my tears when she exclaimed, "Shit!" Twice as a matter of fact. I don't mind swearing per se, I've sworn plenty depending on the situation, but she just doesn't seem like the swearing type at all so it was surprising and actually pretty amusing. We talked a bunch about what I've been through, specialists I've seen and she automatically starting thinking of other avenues, other ways to get the help I need to actually produce a baby. Her husband is an MD and she teaches all types of biology course so she knows a ton. Later that day she emailed me a link to a website for reproductive immunology. Between this place and the one I previously mentioned in NYC there has to be an answer. I'll hope a little for that.

Thankfully when I got to my chemistry lab shortly after talking to her, I found out we would be having our test as a take-home!! What a relief! I probably asked two or three times if he was serious before I really believed him.

The day only got slightly better with that news though (as evidenced by my previous post). I still feel out of sorts.

Yesterday I decided not to go to work in the afternoon. I have so much going on with school I felt like I was drowning in it. I don't want to list off all the assignments that are due, that would just depress me! So I went home and while this wasn't school work, I went through my medical reports to gather the test results to one place. I'm meeting with my sweet instructor this afternoon to talk about my options more and wanted to have things more in order for that.

I had an appointment with a therapist/NP on Tuesday. She gave me a prescription for Ativan to help me sleep. I'm so glad it works. It sucks so much to go to bed at the same time as my husband and then lie there for a hour or more while he's breathing loud and occasionally snoring. He seriously hits the pillow and is completely out within a minute. Sometimes less. I wish I could do that.

My husband and I went for a walk Wednesday after he got home from work and we talked about baby stuff and what to do. He said we can't do anything about the past we can only look forward. Which basically translates to, "stop crying about the past". That's hard to do. I want to grieve for Samantha, for Sean and especially Isabella during these few day. Extrapolating his philosophy it would be like saying, "My grandfather died yesterday. Ok, enough of that, what's for dinner?" I don't understand why he won't let me or doesn't understand me being sad for a time. As if that is going to influence future results.

So today I go to school for one class, then I'll wait around to meet with my instructor friend and see what we can find in my stack of records. After that, who knows.

Tomorrow is the walk in Northampton. It's also Isabella's 3 year anniversary. I'm sure my emotional week is directly correlated to this milestone. Looking back at that awful time I'm sure I never thought that when 3 years goes by I would still be in this boat. "Childless", miserable, adrift.

Where will I be 3 years from now?

Here to Wonder

I have half a ream of paper. My medical records. I sorted through it today and put it in cronological order.

Another miserable day. Lots of crying. Feeling overwhelmed.

Sad.

I wish this week was over.

I wish Mother's Day would never come.

3 years ago my whole life changed.

I died that day.

I don't know who it is who occupies my body now.

I wish I wasn't here to wonder.

Made to Suffer

I've been feeling pretty miserable these past few days. I can't get to sleep at night. I start to cry with little to no warning.

All the memories, all the sadness is swirling around me. I feel crippled by it.

Has it really been almost three years since my life was shattered? Since everything I thought I understood in this world became a mockery?

I've given up asking why.

This is just my lot in life. I am made to suffer.