This is what I feel like posting on Facebook right now, but it's so in-your-face that I just shouldn't.

"Shannon wishes people would get married before getting knocked up and rubbing it in my face."

In This Boat

Wednesday was a rough day. I was very stressed out for my chemistry test on Thursday. At lunch time I stopped in to see one of my instructors from last semester. I cried in her office and told her about my latest loss. She is such a sweet and kind spoken person I actually laughed through my tears when she exclaimed, "Shit!" Twice as a matter of fact. I don't mind swearing per se, I've sworn plenty depending on the situation, but she just doesn't seem like the swearing type at all so it was surprising and actually pretty amusing. We talked a bunch about what I've been through, specialists I've seen and she automatically starting thinking of other avenues, other ways to get the help I need to actually produce a baby. Her husband is an MD and she teaches all types of biology course so she knows a ton. Later that day she emailed me a link to a website for reproductive immunology. Between this place and the one I previously mentioned in NYC there has to be an answer. I'll hope a little for that.

Thankfully when I got to my chemistry lab shortly after talking to her, I found out we would be having our test as a take-home!! What a relief! I probably asked two or three times if he was serious before I really believed him.

The day only got slightly better with that news though (as evidenced by my previous post). I still feel out of sorts.

Yesterday I decided not to go to work in the afternoon. I have so much going on with school I felt like I was drowning in it. I don't want to list off all the assignments that are due, that would just depress me! So I went home and while this wasn't school work, I went through my medical reports to gather the test results to one place. I'm meeting with my sweet instructor this afternoon to talk about my options more and wanted to have things more in order for that.

I had an appointment with a therapist/NP on Tuesday. She gave me a prescription for Ativan to help me sleep. I'm so glad it works. It sucks so much to go to bed at the same time as my husband and then lie there for a hour or more while he's breathing loud and occasionally snoring. He seriously hits the pillow and is completely out within a minute. Sometimes less. I wish I could do that.

My husband and I went for a walk Wednesday after he got home from work and we talked about baby stuff and what to do. He said we can't do anything about the past we can only look forward. Which basically translates to, "stop crying about the past". That's hard to do. I want to grieve for Samantha, for Sean and especially Isabella during these few day. Extrapolating his philosophy it would be like saying, "My grandfather died yesterday. Ok, enough of that, what's for dinner?" I don't understand why he won't let me or doesn't understand me being sad for a time. As if that is going to influence future results.

So today I go to school for one class, then I'll wait around to meet with my instructor friend and see what we can find in my stack of records. After that, who knows.

Tomorrow is the walk in Northampton. It's also Isabella's 3 year anniversary. I'm sure my emotional week is directly correlated to this milestone. Looking back at that awful time I'm sure I never thought that when 3 years goes by I would still be in this boat. "Childless", miserable, adrift.

Where will I be 3 years from now?

Here to Wonder

I have half a ream of paper. My medical records. I sorted through it today and put it in cronological order.

Another miserable day. Lots of crying. Feeling overwhelmed.

Sad.

I wish this week was over.

I wish Mother's Day would never come.

3 years ago my whole life changed.

I died that day.

I don't know who it is who occupies my body now.

I wish I wasn't here to wonder.

Made to Suffer

I've been feeling pretty miserable these past few days. I can't get to sleep at night. I start to cry with little to no warning.

All the memories, all the sadness is swirling around me. I feel crippled by it.

Has it really been almost three years since my life was shattered? Since everything I thought I understood in this world became a mockery?

I've given up asking why.

This is just my lot in life. I am made to suffer.

Video

Updated with Samantha's name.

Samantha

My husband was right. I thought it would have been a boy, but he thought it was a girl. After I showed him the video I made last week he told me his prediction and that he would call her Samantha until further notice. So that's her name.

Samantha.

(Middle name is pending.)

Reflections

There's a woman in my A&P class who sits behind me. We've exchanged greetings on occasion and some small talk but yesterday I had a lengthy conversation with her about school and career goals. I recall back at the beginning of the semester she mentioned something about going to school and juggling her 2 small children and she said to me, "have them when you're young." I'm not completely sure of her age, but I'm guessing she's mid-forties. Class was starting so I smiled and nodded but thought to myself, "that's easier said than done."

But yesterday in our lengthy conversation I made sure to work in my reason for being in school and my multiple losses. I even showed her the pictures I have on my iPod touch of my ultrasounds. She told me about a friend of hers who had also had multiple miscarriages and then saw a doctor in New York City who helped her to carry to term. The woman in my class had her babies by IVF.

I looked him up, checked out his website, read reviews about the book he's written and decided I would call. NYC isn't that far away... no worse than driving to Boston. I have an appointment in July. I could have gotten an appointment in June, but my own scheduling limits me to certain days. They are sending me appointment information and a return envelop so I can send all my medical records for him to review before my appointment. The consultation is a whole hour! Time spent talking to me and my hubby instead of looking over blood work results.

Check it out for yourself!

I know I said I gave up mostly on getting pregnant, but after this last pregnancy I feel like I should either try in a way that is active instead of passive or really give up by means of some form of contraceptive. (I've decided "birth control" is a misnomer. My body does that naturally, I would need something to prevent conception and therefore prevent my hopes from later getting dashed.)

***************************************

I emailed my old therapist yesterday asking if I should make an appointment. I feel sort of ok, but I worry that I might be kidding myself and find myself a few months down the road curled in a ball, quivering and sobbing and wondering where this grief smackdown (as Wifey calls it) came from. So in an effort to be proactive about averting disaster I have an appointment tomorrow.

***************************************

I bought a new purse today. For some reason it's making me happy.

There's Just Too Much That Time Cannot Erase

I made a new video. Mostly because I wanted to share the song I chose for it. I need to go back and add a name once I get the pathology report and know the chromosomes.

I heard this song on the radio the morning of my D&C. It's haunted me ever since.

(Please see Video for updated version.)

And then the Pain

I take it back. Last night I woke up to horrible pain and cramps at 3am. I went to the bathroom and found blood and chunks when I wiped. I considered taking my prescription pain meds, but they haven't really been that great so I went with the old standby: Pamprin. What relief when that finally kicked in!

I guess the bleeding has started. I wonder if it's because I started taking my low aspirin again on Friday. Maybe I shouldn't for a while.

My Reality

Today wasn't a bad day. I slept in a bit although my hubby woke me up with his conference call around 9am this morning. I lazed around and finally got up around 10.

Pain hasn't been too bad and what pain/cramps I do have isn't touched by the Tylenol with Codeine. It seems a waste to have even bothered getting them from the pharmacy. I have a bunch left, I should sell them on the black market.

I've had very little bleeding too, I guess that's good. It's sort of weird too.

I went to lunch with some friends, drank a lot of beer and then continued the party at my house. We played guitar and sang then watched a funny movie. I had a good time.

Before meeting them for lunch I went to the hospital to pick up the CD of my ultrasounds. I figured I should have whatever mementos I could possibly have and put them in my box of dead babies.

It's pretty miserable to read the ultrasound report: "No fetal heart beat or fetal motion was seen".

That is my life.

That is my reality.