It's almost that day again

Tomorrow is September 30th. That was Isabella's due date last year. It's hard to imagine what she might have been like as a one year old. I still feel so empty inside.

We're still trying to have a baby. The only difference now is that I'm taking progesterone toward the end of every cycle, well, this cycle. I don't really have high hopes that I'll get pregnant this month after sort of being pregnant and not taking the clomid and oh yeah, my husband has been out of town on business for the last week and won't be home until Friday. So if I don't get pregnant, I should know around October 8th or 9th, then I'll go back on clomid, and then the progesterone. I'm tired of waiting.

I've never been a patient person.

Baby # 3

So I was pregnant again.

How many times am I going to have to say that?

I was pregnant.

I thought I started my period last Tuesday. But it was really light Tuesday and Wednesday, so when I woke up Thursday morning I decided to do a test. It was positive. I did another test that afternoon, positive again. I didn't want to risk a false positive, a bum test like in July. Friday morning another test, still positive. For those of you with experience with home pregnancy tests, I had a faint line each time. It was darker on Thursday morning than it was Thursday afternoon or Friday morning. Then Friday I went camping with some friends of mine from middle school and high school. I had heavier bleeding, same Saturday, and Sunday. Monday morning I did another test. I may have imagined it but I think I saw a very very very faint line. I can only imagine that I was pregnant, and I had one of those very early miscarriages, and now I'm not.

I'm not.

My husband is traveling again for work. He's going to be very busy for the next month, away a lot of the time. I guess this month is out.

I went back to work yesterday, I'm not doing what I use to be doing. I'm working with a guy I worked with when I first started for the company. It's nice to back with him. He's like an uncle to me. I feel like I can tell him why I was out for so long. He's understanding. Since I have a non-existent father, he's pretty close to that for me.

I don't know what to do with myself, I feel so helpless, so adrift. I went to an appointment with my therapist today. I feel so lost. I feel like the only thing that will make me happy is to be pregnant and have a baby. Is it wrong to wish for that? Is it wrong to hope for that? Is it wrong to think that would ever be possible? I want to scream at every woman I see with a baby and tell her how lucky she is that her baby is alive, her baby is there with her, not flushed down the toilet or in the trash on a maxi pad, not in a lab somewhere being tested for chromosomes. Not being sucked and scraped out of her uterus in pieces in a D&C.

What other torture do I have to go through?? What other misery must I endure?? Will my life ever be as it should be? Will I ever be happy again? All my hopes are gone, all my dreams are demolished...

Baby # 3, I would have loved you so much. I love you so much...

There really is a line there, it's just very faint... :(

A Wonderful Weekend

I didn't think it was possible, but I actually had one of the best vacations of my life this past weekend. We took off for Martha's Vineyard Thursday and stayed until Monday. Everyday we went to the beach, everyday the B&B served us delicious breakfasts, everyday was just so much fun.

It's a little depressing to be home. It's like it was all a dream, like it happened to someone else. I have to get back to reality, think about this whole job situation and do something with myself. Today was a resting day, I was exhausted from all our fun.

Here we are on top of the Edgartown Lighthouse:

On Dyke's Bridge on Chappaquiddick Island:

In front of the Edgartown Lighthouse before a tasty dinner out:

I didn't want to go home. We rented bikes and rode all over town, we had a pitcher of beer for lunch, wine and cheese at 4 at the B&B every day. Lobster rolls, clam chowder, lobster bisque, and a brie croquette to die for.

If you ever go to Martha's Vineyard, I highly recommend the B&B we stayed at, it was called the Jonathan Monroe House and it was absolutely adorable, and Chip, the owner was just the sweetest and most interesting host. He was the one cooking us gourmet breakfasts every morning, we also would get the tastiest muffins and fruit cup too. Everything on the island was perfect. I won't say anymore because I just want to savor it.

Box

So I've finally done it. I put all my memories in a box. I wanted to get a nice wooden one, maybe have Isabella and Sean's names carved on it, but since it's already taken me over a year since Isabella died to do it, this plastic box will have to do. One good thing about the plastic is that I can see inside it.

Inside you can see the bibs I bought for each of them and the big teddy bear is from a hotel that my husband and I stayed at in Arizona last year when I was still pregnant with Isabella. I have all my medical records, cards congratulating me for being pregnant last year and then the condolence cards. I have Share Newsletters, my folder of information my OBGYN hands out, U/S pictures, note cards that I wrote my questions for my OBGYN on, and other odds and ends that remind me of Isabella and Sean.

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It's been a while since I've last posted. I've been mostly just coasting along. I still haven't been working. I don't really want to go back to my old job. I don't want to start a new job. I've been enjoying this time to myself, to rest if I feel like it, and do small projects around the house. I feel like I'm done with the working and being an engineer phase of my life and that I should be moving on to the next phase. I should be a mom now. I've been waiting 2 years to have that job, I hope I don't have to wait much longer.

Caught Off Guard

It's been a while since I've written. I haven't had much to say, I really haven't been doing much other than watching a lot of the Olympics. Last Wednesday was my last day at "partial". Thursday I went to Albany to go to Sam's Club and LLBean and get sushi. Friday I went back to "partial" for a couple hours to finish the puzzle I was working on before I left. It was of Van Gogh's "Starry Night" and it was super hard, the puzzle pieces were all very weird shapes and sizes.

I'm sad that partial is over, I really connected with some of the people there, but their time was up too so I wouldn't get to see them if I stayed.

My husband got back Friday night after being away all week so we had a relaxing weekend and snuggled a lot. Yesterday I did a lot of stuff around the house. I cleaned up the furnace room in the basement and the spare bedroom that was collecting a lot of junk. I took a bunch of stuff out to the garage to put out with the trash this week.

Today will be a lazy day. I slept horribly last night and when I did sleep I had really weird dreams. I have an appointment with my therapist at 11, and that will be the extend of my excitement.

Oh, interesting thing before I forget. My husband and I drive to the end of our street so we can go for a walk in the neighborhoods there since our street is a little busy and doesn't have sidewalks. On Saturday we were walking and a family was making its way on the sidewalk toward us, they had a couple little kids on small bikes or big wheels. I said hello to the woman not thinking much of it and then her husband came into view. He was hunched over a bit leading one of the small bikes so I didn't see who it was until I was five feet from him. It was my OBGYN. I knew he lived somewhere in that neighborhood, but I didn't know where exactly and with the hours I assume he works I never expected to see him out walking. I said hi quickly and we kept going, of course it would be weird to stop and talk to him, so it's just as well. I felt really caught off guard, and it strangely brought back to the front of my mind all my pregnancy issues. I wished that I was pregnant at that moment so badly. I feel like such a failure. I was jealous too, there he was with his cute little kids on their cute little bikes, and me with two dead babies. Seeing him so randomly on the street was all I could talk about the rest of the day. I wondered if he told his wife later that he knew me, but then maybe his doctor/patient stuff would prevent him from even saying that. Part of me doubts he gave me a second thought.

Starting to Feel More Like Me

So a lot has happened since last Tuesday. Here's a recap:

Wednesday I went to my first day at the "Partial Hospitalization Program". I had never done group therapy so I didn't know what to expect. It was strange because no one was really open about why they were there so it was hard for me to be open. Plus I'm not much for talking in front of a group. So I basically felt like, ok, this is my first day, it's too soon to tell if this is going to help or not.

Thursday, wasn't much different. Friday was worse. I was wondering what the point was. Some of the sessions were so removed from anything I could relate to myself that I wondered why I bothered coming. The one interesting thing was that in the afternoon on Friday we played a game. We divided into two teams and all wrote down three things about ourselves that the others probably wouldn't know on separate pieces of paper and it all went in a basket for each team. Then we took turns reading the slips and the other team would try to guess who it was about. The interesting part was that people kept guessing me for other people's slips, only one of mine got read during the game. But then we ran out of time and everyone wanted to know what my other things were, it felt good for people to be curious about me.

My three things were:

I was in the equestrian (horseback riding) club for 2 years in college.

I have been the top fundraiser for the Walk for Diabetes for the last four years, raising over $11k.

I can play the piano, although I haven't in a while, I still can, just not well.

They immediately guessed me for the first one when it was read during the game.

So I went to "partial" this morning and instead of it being more of the same, I felt like things were starting to click. I talked with some people before group, I talked more during group and the second session than I have all three days last week combined and then I sat with some folks at lunch time and talked some more. I feel more comfortable now that I'm starting to get to know some folks. There were less people at partial today, so I didn't feel like there was a huge audience. So I'm excited that it went well today.

As far as the rest of the week, I've been exercising every day (except today because I had to help my husband pack for a business trip and it was rainy out). My husband and I went out to dinner with another couple on Saturday night and had a good time. And then a good portion of the weekend was spent putting together a puzzle I ordered special for my husband's birthday that is a map centered on his parents' house in his hometown. I thought about getting it centered on our house, but it would be a lot of forest which doesn't seem as interesting as lots of streets, highways, and building labels. It was a lot of fun to put together and I'm not even from there. I want to get one of my hometown, that would be super fun too, even though the ocean would probably take up a quarter of it. In case anyone wants to get a puzzle for themselves.

I watched one of my favorite movies tonight, Stardust. It's a great story, I highly recommend it.

My husband is safely in his hotel room now, and now it's time for me to go to bed. I'm going to try to get up in the morning and exercise before going to partial.

As far as Mondays go, this was one of the better ones.

Today Was a Good Day

I feel really good today. It was a glorious day outside. It wasn't too hot, the sun was shining, there was a nice breeze and I took advantage of it.

Since I haven't been going to work, I've been able to sleep in some in the morning, which works out well since I can't get to sleep at night so I'm still pretty tired when my husband's alarm goes off. So I got up, started some laundry and watched a little TV. I opened all the windows and the nice breeze brought the wonderful summer smells into the house. I know that Katie and Krista like the windows open because they can sit in them and watch the birds and bugs outside better.

I've been exercising every day since last Thursday and decided I had to do something outside since it was so nice out. So I went for a bike ride down to the little footbridge over the Housatonic River in Lenox/Lee. It's about 10 miles round trip with several decent hills. My husband and I rode it on Saturday so I felt confident that I could make it again. We've had some more rain since Saturday so there were some large puddles in flat parts of the dirt road, parts where the road was pretty beat up by streams crossing the road and one stream that was flowing pretty well, I didn't see it until it was too late and ended up crossing it at the narrowest part, but also the deepest and rode through about a foot of water. I didn't mind getting a little wet.

When I got home I took a shower and got ready to go to my appointment with a nurse practitioner who is going to monitor my medication, then I had an appointment with my usual therapist. On the way there I stopped to return a bunch of bottles and cans that I rustled up in our garage when I cleaned it out yesterday. It's easy to just put them in my trunk and then they're there when I'm out at the store.

So I'm suppose to increase the amount of Zoloft that I take and take it at night now instead of in the morning. Hopefully that will make sleeping better.

I talked about work a lot at my appointment with my therapist. I feel a lot better since I haven't been going and that my husband isn't expecting me to go back to work in the next couple weeks. That is a relief. Maybe I shouldn't be an engineer anymore.

Tomorrow I start the partial hospitalization program. It's suppose to last for 2 weeks, although it's all voluntary so I could stop going sooner if I don't think it's working out. It will be interesting to see how it goes.

When I got home from my appointments my husband had starting cooking our dinner out back on the grill, we have a screened in porch so we let our cats out there to watch the bugs fly by. Today a couple moths where in the porch and Katie chomped them. She ate one before my husband could get the camera, but here she is chasing down the second one.


So today was a good day. I just hope I can get to sleep better tonight since I actually have to get up in the morning to be somewhere.

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Now that I'm done goofing around with the video, I really need to get to bed!

Bread

This is the bread I made today:Katie woke me up this morning around 6 and I couldn't get back to sleep so I got up to take the trash and recycling out. Last night I went out to the grocery store to get the yeast and flour I needed so that if I felt like it I could make bread today. I'm glad I did. I put 2 of the loaves in the freezer and kept the other 2 out to eat. This is the same recipe for Paska bread that my husband's family makes for Easter. Normally it's made into a round loaf with braids forming a cross on top. Either way it's shaped it's super delicious. My husband is slightly annoyed that I made it because it's not Easter time, but I don't care. If he won't eat any, that's just more for me.

He was away on a business trip since Tuesday afternoon, he got back early this afternoon after his flight last night was cancelled. Tomorrow is our Friday off from work, but I haven't been going to work so it's just another day for me.

In the morning I'm going to talk to a woman at the partial hospitalization program. It's a 9-3 during the day thing with group therapy and some other stuff. I'm sure it would be better than sitting home doing nothing. I'm having a lot of anxiety about going back to work. I wish I had a different job. What do I want to be when I grow up?

A mother.

I think that would be the best job in the world.

A Wednesday

I find it hard to know what to do with myself. I feel like I should be doing something, but I can't get myself going. I've been thinking about making some bread, but I need to go to the store to get yeast and more flour. It seems like such a long drive, too much effort. Even writing right now, I don't know what to say. I've been watching movies, TV, just doing nothing. I don't feel like eating. I don't sleep well and when I do I have strange dreams, but I can't remember what they're about when I wake up.

The highlight of my day today was when Krista came and snuggled with me on the couch. I was lying down and she smushed me with her paws and turned every which way to smush me all over. She would lie down only to get up again and smush some more. This is a rare treat because she's not a snuggly type of cat. Occasionally it builds up in her and it's like she has to get the snuggles out. You just have to be in the right place to receive them. Today I was.

I worry about where my life is heading right now. How long I will feel this way, what I will do with myself. Where I go from here.

It's raining out.

It's been a while

I started taking Zoloft on Thursday. I feel sort of numb inside. Last Wednesday was probably the hardest day I've had since Isabella and Sean died. I needed help and I got it. In the form of a phone call, in a therapy session, in a pill bottle. It helps to just be at home. Just rest when I need to, and think about everything that has been going on. De-stress. I wish I could have done this in April, I feel like it all built up inside and finally it all came out. Will it ever all come out?