Baby # 3

So I was pregnant again.

How many times am I going to have to say that?

I was pregnant.

I thought I started my period last Tuesday. But it was really light Tuesday and Wednesday, so when I woke up Thursday morning I decided to do a test. It was positive. I did another test that afternoon, positive again. I didn't want to risk a false positive, a bum test like in July. Friday morning another test, still positive. For those of you with experience with home pregnancy tests, I had a faint line each time. It was darker on Thursday morning than it was Thursday afternoon or Friday morning. Then Friday I went camping with some friends of mine from middle school and high school. I had heavier bleeding, same Saturday, and Sunday. Monday morning I did another test. I may have imagined it but I think I saw a very very very faint line. I can only imagine that I was pregnant, and I had one of those very early miscarriages, and now I'm not.

I'm not.

My husband is traveling again for work. He's going to be very busy for the next month, away a lot of the time. I guess this month is out.

I went back to work yesterday, I'm not doing what I use to be doing. I'm working with a guy I worked with when I first started for the company. It's nice to back with him. He's like an uncle to me. I feel like I can tell him why I was out for so long. He's understanding. Since I have a non-existent father, he's pretty close to that for me.

I don't know what to do with myself, I feel so helpless, so adrift. I went to an appointment with my therapist today. I feel so lost. I feel like the only thing that will make me happy is to be pregnant and have a baby. Is it wrong to wish for that? Is it wrong to hope for that? Is it wrong to think that would ever be possible? I want to scream at every woman I see with a baby and tell her how lucky she is that her baby is alive, her baby is there with her, not flushed down the toilet or in the trash on a maxi pad, not in a lab somewhere being tested for chromosomes. Not being sucked and scraped out of her uterus in pieces in a D&C.

What other torture do I have to go through?? What other misery must I endure?? Will my life ever be as it should be? Will I ever be happy again? All my hopes are gone, all my dreams are demolished...

Baby # 3, I would have loved you so much. I love you so much...

There really is a line there, it's just very faint... :(