Giving Up

I changed my mind, I'm not going to bother with the progesterone. It just stresses me out because my cycle gets messed up, I have to do all kinds of testing to check if I'm pregnant or not so I'll know if I should keep taking it or stop. Plus it's just really really gross. Not to mention that this has been a rough month emotionally so we haven't really tried as much as we could have.

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I took a sort of inventory yesterday:

I've been thinking about the things that stress me out, mostly that I would rather be home taking care of a one and a half year old Isabella than be working here, but that's not going to happen. And yeah, being all stressed out and depressed doesn't help me get pregnant so I'm sort of shooting myself in the foot.

As far as work goes, it really could be a lot worse. I could have a different job, but that job could be a lot more demanding, I could have crappy inflexible hours, I could have a long commute, have to stand on my feet all day, work with a lot of jerks or have to deal with jerky customers, and not be able to go for a walk with my husband at lunch time (he works here too). So when I look at it that way it's not so bad being an engineer or working here. I do get every other Friday off and that seems to impress a lot of people. The money isn't bad either especially in this economy. I guess I could do a lot worse. And now that I'm starting a support group, at least I'll have somewhere to put my energy and get some satisfaction outside of work.

I just hope that when/if we go on a cruise/vacation I'm not having my period for the whole time again, that really sucked the fun out of it.

I guess I'm sort of trying to have a more positive attitude. I can't say a totally positive attitude because I think I would need a lobotomy for that. But I'll try to not be so grumpy anymore. I'm going to probably jinx myself for saying this but I'm right on the edge of just giving up. Maybe then everything will fall into place. And screw it, I hope I don't get pregnant before we go on our vacation because you know what, that would sort of be a drag a little more than having my period would be. Because I would be worried the whole time that I would just have another miscarriage.

Another.

I don't want to keep track of that anymore.

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In other news, I got the book suggested on semi-fertile's blog, it's really good. I made this comment to her post just now:

I've been reading Jon Cohen's book, it is really great. Thanks for posting about it. I just finished the chapter "Black Swan", which is a lot about what I have "antiphospholipid syndrome". I was bummed out that he didn't really have much advice on what to do with that. It's been really interesting to read and I'm looking forward to reading more tonight when I get home from work. Thanks again!

Check it out if you get a chance, I recommend it too!

(BTW, the book is called "Coming to Term: Uncovering the Truth About Miscarriage")