Roller Coaster

Yesterday was a rough day. I think as good as it was to go to the seminar on Monday and be validated and feel like people cared about me and what I had to say and be able to honor Isabella and Sean, it also seemed like it set me back a bit lot. It was like I had started to block out all the pain and misery my life has been the last 7 months, not to mention the last 18 months. But in preparing what I might say I had to go back to that place. I had to muddy the waters and drag all those bad experiences back to the surface. I feel like it all just happened all over again. This is the roller coaster that is my life, I was up on top for a little while there, only to plummet and hit bottom.

Maybe I shouldn't have stopped taking the Zoloft last week. Maybe I should have waited until after this seminar. I had no idea how hard it would hit me.

Will I ever climb out of this hole?

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**A letter to my OB/GYN**

November 12, 2008
Dr. XXXXX,

I want you to know that I have a lot of respect for you as a doctor and I think you’re great, as does my husband, XXX. But I have had a lot of heartache through some of the actions of your office. I was invited to a seminar on Monday, November 10th geared towards the medical field to teach them how to better handle families when a baby dies. I was asked to speak on the “parent panel” about my losses. Thinking about what I would say and in trying to prepare for it has brought all of these bad memories back to the foreground. There is so much that could easily have been done differently that could have made my experiences just a little more bearable. One person on the panel said of their experiences that you may not remember the good things were done or said, but you will always remember the bad things. Seven months later I still remember the bad things. I hope that by writing this it might be better for someone in the future.

I had to put this in bullet/outline form because I couldn’t write it like a letter.

U/S on April 8th

• Is there a rule about the tech saying there’s a problem?
  
• The tech left the U/S probe inside my vagina while looking for a doctor to discuss “my case”.
  
• I could tell by 3 different indications that there was no heartbeat, but because I’m a layperson it’s assumed I have no clue.
  

Your office

• Getting to the window and having the receptionist have no idea why I’m there. (I thought bad news travelled fast.)
  
• Having to wait with all the pregnant women until I could go to your private office to have the bad news confirmed.
  
• You stopped me when I was leaving to have me sign a form for the D&C, but instead of having me sit in your office or an empty exam room, I had to go back out to the waiting room where pregnant women were discussing baby showers.
  
• I left after 5 or 10 minutes but what seemed like an eternity because I couldn’t stand to sit there crying for my dead baby while everyone else was talking about their alive ones.
  
• I called the office on my cell phone on my way out to tell them I had left and the receptionist asked what was wrong, I exploded saying “my baby is dead!”
  
• Not 2 minutes later whoever was to witness me signing the form called.
  
• I couldn’t have it faxed to me because they had to “witness” me signing it so I had to go back the next day, at least that time I went right in and the waiting room was empty.
  
• Why was it I couldn’t have signed the form the day of the D&C?
  

Complete Miscarriage April 9th

• In the evening of April 9th the bleeding began and I passed all the “tissue”.
  
• I called the office around 7:30pm to have the on-call doctor call me back. Dr. XXXX called me back and basically said to just wait it out and call the office in the morning. He was very unsympathetic and cold on the phone.
  

Second U/S April 10th

• I had the same tech in the radiology department for the second U/S to check to see if anything was left behind in my uterus.
  
• Drinking 32 oz of water is useless for me since she couldn’t see anything the first time trans abdominally, so after waiting an additional 20-30 minutes past my appointment time to get called in for the U/S I said to just forget that part because I had to go to the bathroom right then and I would not wait.
  
• Then after the U/S was over I had to wait 45 minutes to an hour, and I wasn’t even sure what I was waiting for until you called me through the radiology receptionist’s desk phone.
  
• I felt very uncomfortable having that conversation with her sitting there and others in the waiting room able to listen in.
  
• I have a cell phone which is the only number listed in my chart and I could have been home already or on my way home since I then had to rush home to get the passed “tissue” to bring back to the office for pathology to look at.
  

D&C Cancelled for April 11th

• When I spoke to you on the phone at the radiologist’s office, after finding that my uterus was empty, you said that you would have my D&C cancelled. The next morning I got a call from the (outpatient center) asking where I was because I was late for my procedure. It made me really angry that something as simple as a phone call to them to cancel for me was so easily overlooked.
  

Countless times I feel like my time is wasted through your office. I realize I’m not a surgeon and I’m not saving lives, but my time is important to me. One person at your office who stands out is XXXX. She has called me several times to tell me my message was received. What is the point of that? I would call to get results to a test and she would call to say they weren’t in yet. Wouldn’t it be a better use of her time and mine for her to wait until there were results and then call me? Not only that but she’s been very rude to me.

Last month when I first went on the progesterone suppositories and was confused about the transition back to having a period, she and I went back and forth on the phone several times until finally you called and got me sorted out. It was a waste of a lot of time and much agonizing on my part to deal with her.

Today again I’m having the same issue. I had a blood test done this morning for pregnancy and it was negative, she cheerfully called me with the results and told me it would be repeated in a week if I still hadn’t had my period. That made absolutely no sense because being on the progesterone suppositories will prevent me from having a period.

You may not know, but I have been so depressed since these experiences that I stopped working for 2 months this summer and almost quit my job completely. That I’ve been on Zoloft, Trazadone and Ativan. I was in the “Partial Hospitalization Program” and I’ve been seeing a therapist weekly for over 7 months now. How I hate my husband’s family because of their treatment of me through this whole horrible experience. How people innocently ask me when/if I’m going to have kids, because XXX and I have been married 4 ½ years now and we don’t. Every day of my life is affected because of these losses, I’ve lost sleep, time at work, respect for my in-laws, faith in God and my marriage has suffered greatly for it.

If yours wasn’t “the only show in town” I would have long ago changed to a different office. At this point I would rather drive an hour just to not have to deal with some of the staff at your office.

I’m at a loss for what to do next or where to turn. I feel like having a baby is hopeless and I should just give up.
-Shannon D.

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I'm debating sending it...