Getting There

Work is interesting, I've been enjoying what I've been doing, crunching a lot of numbers and doing math that I haven't done since college. With budget and other considerations going on I've been working on finding a more permanent assignment, and I think I have. I talked to another manager yesterday and before I knew it, he had added me to his organizational chart. So I guess I'm there. I hope I enjoy it.

My husband left for Virginia again this morning. He was home for a long weekend and it was nice to spend time with him. We did some yard work and took some naps.

My cycle has been pretty messed up. I had started my "period" on September 9th. I should have not been so curious, but I did 4 separate pregnancy tests between 9/11 and 9/15 and they were positive with varying degrees of darkness for the line, getting fainter as time went on. Which explains my post on September 16th. After talking to my OBGYN many many times, he decided I should go on progesterone suppositories starting around day 18-19. I didn't think I should have bothered this past month since it was so messed up and I didn't take clomid but he said I should. That was unpleasant. Day 30 I had a blood test, negative HCG. Then on October 10th I started on Provera to make my period start. Today it did. The only problem is, my husband is still travelling a lot for work so it seems pointless to take clomid and not be able to make the most of it. I'm not even sure if he'll be home on weekends. It's frustrating. I feel like if we did try our best I could at least get my hopes up and it would make it worth it to take the yucky suppositories again. If I have to take another month off, then that is ok with me. I just want to have a plan.

I've been seeing a new therapist, I don't feel like we've made a lot of progress yet, but I feel like we're going to. I feel like I'm getting there. I went through my journals for the last 2 years and highlighted things of interest to talk to him about. He has some homework before next week's appointment.

I think I always knew deep down, but the reason why I go to these appointments is because I can talk about Isabella and Sean and it's not weird, it's not awkward. I don't feel like I'm bumming someone out. It helps me to talk about them and remember them, to validate that they existed. So even if I cry for some or all of the hour, I feel like it's worth it. Otherwise I'm not sure if I would find time in the week to really think about them, really find some other way to make them part of my existence. It's like making time to pray, I haven't been doing any of that, mostly because I'm still angry with God, but I'm sure He understands. But with anything, if you don't set time aside for it, it will never get done. I want to be happy and not have to go to therapy every week, but I need to find some other outlet. I told my husband how I felt about going to therapy and why and he said he didn't feel the need to talk about Isabella and Sean, that "it is what it is". My new therapist is going to help me teach my husband to be more sensitive toward me since it's come to his attention from everything I've told him that my husband didn't learn how to be sensitive from his family. That's something to look forward to.

I also met briefly with the woman who monitors my medication. I haven't been sleeping well lately so I wanted to try something different. Back in July I started taking Zoloft, then because of that I couldn't sleep at night, so I took another thing at night to help me sleep. But since then my level of Zoloft has increased and sleeping is getting weird again. I told her that I would rather not be on anything at all. I feel like it's a band aid on a broken arm. It's not going to help me get pregnant and it's not going to make me forget all the pain from these last two years. I will never again be that naïve woman who's never been pregnant before and only has hope for the future. If I could go back I would shake that Shannon from two years ago. But I can't.

I can only move on.