Today I had an interesting appointment with my therapist. I feel like we're really getting into the meat of my neuroses. He said that he's read a bunch of my journals and that it seems like I have very high expectations for how people should act and that is why I'm disappointed a lot. I can understand that. I feel like I hold myself to a standard. A code of conduct, and I feel like I treat people the way I would like to be treated. So when people do things that I wouldn't do it upsets me. I feel like if I knew someone in my situation I would be more supportive/sensitive etc etc. But can I really say that if I hadn't gone through what I've gone through? Maybe I would be an insensitive slob like so many have been to me. Every life experience changes the person you're becoming. So I guess the reason why I feel the need to "educate" people about my experience/grief is so that maybe when the next person comes along they'll know better.
Fat chance right?
My related issue (one of many) that we discussed is how uptight I am because of my high standards. Maybe I live in a bubble with high ideals and notions of how things would be if everyone was nice and did what they were suppose to do. That is what intrigues me so much about the "concept" of the Catholic church. If everyone lived by those rules there would probably be a lot less yuck in the world. Forget the Catholic church, how about just the Ten Commandments? Or for secular folks - the Golden rule? (Add in there other necessities to be what people would say in olden days was respectable/moral behavior.)
But we (I) live in reality. I have no control over the actions of others. Just how I react to them. Now I just need to learn how to react to less extremes. I know deep down when my husband's family does or says something that hurts (like invalidating me/my grief) that it's really just my perception of what they did or said and that they weren't going out of their way to hurt me and that I get upset not because they did it but because it's easier to point the blame at them and be angry with them because I know there was nothing that could have been done to save Isabella or Sean. So who can I be angry at? Who can I blame for all my hurt?
"Just because" just doesn't do it for me.
6 years ago
1 comment:
Again I know how you feel. I didn't go back to work after the loss of our twins. There were issues other than having to face people after my loss, but I won't go into the details. I am lucky to have a successful husband, so I don't have to work. I must admit it's a lot easier not working while going through IVF.
Anyway, I decided that other day it would be nice to have a low stress, very part time job to help kill some time. Help take my mind off of things. My sister-in-law called me and said one of her clients was looking for someone to help run his chiropractic clinic. She then preceded to tell me that his wife does it now and she is pregnant with twins! I immediately hesitated and she said, "I know weird, right?". Weird isn't the word I would use. She then said, "I know you will love them, they are awesome and I think you would have fun." Why on earth would I work for someone who is about to have twins? Why would I put myself in that situation? I was so annoyed with her. She then said," they have tried for a long time and finally got pregnant". Really? So have we! I also got pregnant with twins after trying for a long time. Mine our gone. Don't think for a second that just because they tried for a long time to get pregnant that I can relate to them, or they can relate to me.
I just thought right away how stupid she was. Couldn't she have a little compassion? I thought, she's family for crying out loud, shouldn't she know better. Couldn't she have said she realized that this might not interest me due to the circumstances?
Maybe my expectations are to high too? I just think people should be just a little smarter. It would make things a little easier.
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