A True Engineer

I'm confused. Another therapy session today. He's been reading my blogs and thinks that I've come a long way (at least that's what I think he thinks, I am confused after all).

It's hard comprehending two conflicting feelings. That it hurts so much and all I want to do is wallow in it, but that I'm tired of it hurting and wanting to expel it from myself like a diseased organ or so much bile in the back of my throat. I am so black and white, so one extreme or the other. My way or the highway. Maybe that's why I'm so lonely, everyone has taken the MassPike. I don't want to give up, I don't want to give in, but I feel like it accomplishes nothing. Actually it accomplishes me being sad and being hung up and feeling like a failure. It doesn't teach anyone anything other than that Shannon is annoying. Shannon is sad all the time. Shannon will get upset no matter what you do. Shannon is stubborn and opinionated. Shannon is impossible.

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I feel like my life has been a procedure, a check list. Like the ones I've written for work. Do things in a certain order and everything works out fine. I feel like I've been doing that.

"How to Have a Happy Life" (According to Shannon - Version 1.0):

High school

College (get a degree in electrical engineering)

Get a job (as an electrical engineer)

Find a guy (a forever guy - a "Mr. Right", I've had my share of "Mr. Right Now")

Get house/get married

Have kids

Live happily ever after

Now I'm stumbling all over the "have kids" part but there's no troubleshooting section, just rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat. And if I don't do that step, how will I ever get to "happily ever after"?

I need a version 2.0.