I feel good today. Like a weight has been lifted. My outlook has changed somehow, I can't quite put my finger on it or describe it, but it's there. Even though I stayed up way too late last night and I feel tired, I also feel energized (caffeine from free coffee?).
I feel hopeful, where once hope was lost.
6 years ago
3 comments:
Dear Shannon,
My name is Jennifer. I live in the midwest and I came across your blog through a Miscarriage Directory Blog.
First off, let me say how sorry I am for your losses. I haven't had the chance to read through your whole blog, but some of your posts really hit home for me.
My husband and I have been trying to have a baby since February 2006. After a lot of infertility treatments without any success, we moved on to IVF. Our first embryo transfer was November 1 2007. We were blessed with our first positive test. At an ultrasound at 5.5 weeks we saw two sacs! We were so excited. Just past 10 weeks we told our immediate family, but held off telling extended family and friends. Just past 14 weeks we shared the news with everyone. Really at that point we didn't have a choice, since I was already showing.
At my 17 week appointment everything was great. We scheduled a gender check ultrasound at 19 weeks and our 21 week appointment was scheduled with a perinatologist. We didn't make it to either of these appointments. At 18 weeks and one day, my water broke (February 17, 2008). We went to the ER and it was confirmed that it was amniotic fluid and that Baby B's sac had a complete rupture. There was no fluid left. We were told we had a 95% chance of losing the whole pregnancy. Our options were to induce labor, have a D&E, or risk infection by seeing if I could get to 24 weeks, but there was huge possibility that I could loose my uterus from the infection (not to mention the risk to my life). We chose to induce labor. After 48 hours, nothing was progressing and infection was starting to set in, so I had to have an emergency D&E. We never got to see our babies. We were told that 25% of the time this happens due to a low grade infection, but there really weren't any answers for exactly why. Our lives have forever been changed. We left the hospital with empty arms and holes in our hearts.
We honored our babies at the end of June (when they were to be born) by planting a tree at our cottage. We also had their remains cremated and we keep them in a memory box along with ultrasound photos, cards, and some gifts they received while I was pregnant.
Never did I think my life would turn out this way. After finally getting pregnant and then to have that taken away just seems so unfair. I will never be the same person I was. I know acceptance is part of the grieving process, but I will never accept what happen. I won't wake up some day and think I am OK with this. I have only accepted that I can't change what happened.
We waited 5 months to try again. We were lucky to have 10 of our embryos frozen, so the next time around was a little easier on me. We transferred two embryos this past July and two days before my scheduled blood test we broke down and took a home test. We couldn't believe it when it read Pregnant!. We were so excited and thankful that we were getting another chance and that we got pregnant right away after trying again. I took another test the next day it said pregnant again. The day of the blood test changed everything. my HCG was only 6, so we knew this was a chemical pregnancy. A very, very early loss. I got my "period" three days later. We were so MAD! Those two days of happiness were taken away from us. The innocence we had during our first pregnancy was gone and now it felt like I was losing our twins all over again.
We tried again at the end of August. Home test read pregnant, but of course this really didn't mean anything to us. First blood test was OK, but I didn't like the number (58). Second and third test came back good and the number was rising like it should. My ultrasound was scheduled at 7 weeks. Two days before I had some bleeding and a little cramping. I went in and there was a very small sac and nothing else. I had to wait a week, but we knew it was over. Nothing changed in that week. I assume it ended around 5, or 6 weeks. I waited to pass everything on my own, which really was just like a heavy period. I am still going through it, since my HCG levels are not quite to zero.
Our next plan is to have some blood work done to see if there is anything else going on like blood clotting issues, DNA issues, etc...We hope to try again in a couple of weeks.
There has been so many things taken from us. Now the fear isn't just getting pregnant, but it's staying pregnant.
I had a very close friend who was pregnant when I was pregnant with the twins. She got pregnant after two months of trying and had a very uneventful pregnancy. She had her baby girl in May (one month before our twins were to be born). Our relationship has changed. I am very cautious about going to her house and we don't put ourselves in a situation where we have to see her and her husband with their little girl. It's just way to hard. I even had to skip her shower. I didn't feel bad about it, it was what I had to do for me.
No ones knows about these past two losses. Our friends think we tried one time to get pregnant and it didn't work. For our sanity and the sake of having less stress in our lives, we had to tell our families that we won't be committing to any events in the future, which includes the holidays, since we don't know where we will be with our family planning. There is just too much at risk.
This has become my mission and I am not ready to give up. Until I am told there is no hope, I will have hope. We have decided that we won't live childless. Some how we will have a baby. I have great doctors who believe this will happen for us. We just need to catch a break. I just wish I knew when it was our turn. I know you feel the same.
I apologize this is so long. I will comment on your other posts, so I make more sense. Just know you are not alone. It helped me so much to connect to others who were going through similar situations.
Thank you for letting me read your story and sharing mine. I hope nothing but the best for you and your husband!
Jennifer
such meaty stuff lately
i am loving it
i am hoping to see you next week?
carol
Hi Jennifer, thank you for all your comments. I'm very sorry to hear of your losses. I tried to look at your profile to see if you had a blog, if you don't you should think about writting one. I've found it helpful on many levels and like you said about no one knowing about your last two losses, about 95% of the things I write about on my blog are things no one I associate with knows. So it's nice to be free and say whatever you want and not worry about hurting someone's feelings in the heat of the moment. I wish you lots of luck, keep me posted if you can.
Carol, yes, I've had a lot of interesting things to say recently. It's a very strange time for me, I feel pulled in two directions. I'll be there next week for the Monday afternoon session, still haven't decided if I'll come for the whole thing or just the parent's panel part. See you then!
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