Inappropriate Questions

My task lead was over at my desk one day. He's very loud and jovial, but has the attention span of a fruit fly. He's generally nice, but that day he really got me mad. I wish I had told him off. This is why: On a few occasions he has brought up the topic of me having children. He has four children in their teens so he's all for people having lots of kids. Since I only started working in this department a little over 3 months ago, he basically knows nothing about me, where as people in my old department knew I was pregnant with Isabella and that I was out for half of May when she died. So he knows nothing of this. The conversation led in with talk about the fitness room and how no women workout there, I mentioned a woman about my age who I've seen dressed in exercise clothes heading in that direction. He laughed and said she's way younger than me, since I'm old at 30. Then he said "when are you going to start having kids?!? Everyone is always asking me about when you're going to have kids." I asked who these people are and he listed off my parents, my husband's parents, other family. Of course he doesn't know any of these people so how would he know what they are asking or expecting? I told him that's not an appropriate question to be asking and that it was a touchy subject for me by which time he had started rambling on about his kids and that he would gladly give me a couple. Not that I want someone else's kids, especially unruly teenagers. I told him that he shouldn't complain about his kids because if they didn't turn out right it was his fault for not raising them right. That shut him up. Of course I don't fully believe that to be true but it is a big part of how people turn into the people they end up being. I can think of many things about myself and how I wouldn't be this way or I would be that way if it were only for XYZ that my mom or dad did. That's the problem with having an minor in psychology and also being an engineer. I think and analyze too much.

So debated going over to his desk at some point and quietly telling him that I've had 2 miscarriages, one of which was not long ago, so I'd appreciate if he wouldn't bring up my reproductive plans in the future.

Last year my husband and I waited a long time before we told anyone at work that I was pregnant. I was definitely in my 2nd trimester, I think around week 15. After Isabella died I remember thinking, great, now it's like we've shown everyone our hand. I feel very protective about our plans for starting a family, especially in my male dominated field. I wonder if people still think, oh she's pregnant and I'd be dismissed as just a woman and not as smart or whatever other biases people have here. So for the people at work who know about Isabella, how many of them wonder if I'm going to try again or wonder if I have but failed again. I've only told a handful of people at work about my second miscarriage.

So based on all that, I don't want to confront my task lead because it would be like showing my hand all over again. I felt like this new job in a new department would free me from the funk of last year and how awful it was on so many levels. But now I feel like it's all repeating.

I still wonder though, if I don't confront him, what I would say the next time he brings it up to make him stop and if it's possible to do that without telling him why.

I wish I had the guts to use my precanned answer when someone says something like "well, you don't have kids," or "you'll find out when you have kids." My answer would be, "it's not for lack of trying!"

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Something strange happened a couple days later. My husband and I went to an appreciation dinner for work for a project he's been on. One of his co-workers was there and we use to hang out with him at lunch time and he and his wife came to our wedding. It was nice to see them both and catch up a bit. They had a child later in 2004 after our wedding and I remember seeing pictures of her at our wedding and you could tell she had a little bit of a belly. They had a second child later and were talking about their kids and the daycare they go to a couple days a week and the colds that circulate and how I'll find out about that some day. There were other comments about how we don't have kids yet and I gathered the chutzpah to say my line, "it's not for lack of trying". But no one seemed to pick upon that. Later she said a few more things to that effect and then outright asked if we were going to "take the plunge" so I told her that I've had 2 miscarriages and since she's a physician's assistant I told her about the antiphospholipid antibody syndrome. She said she was really sorry for what she said earlier in the night. So the strange thing was, Monday morning I got an email from her husband saying she enjoyed hanging out with me and wanted to give me their phone number so we could get together some time. I thought it was strange because the majority of our conversation was talking about my miscarriages so how could anyone enjoy that? I wonder if it's a pity sort of thing. It's fitting in a way because I feel like I don't have any friends in the area and it would be nice to hang out with someone although I also wonder when I would have time. There's always so much to do at home, our house is a total mess, I'm just not motivated to do anything. I'm just in a big funk lately. I'll be glad when it's time for our vacation and I can just get away from it all.