Caught Off Guard

It's been a while since I've written. I haven't had much to say, I really haven't been doing much other than watching a lot of the Olympics. Last Wednesday was my last day at "partial". Thursday I went to Albany to go to Sam's Club and LLBean and get sushi. Friday I went back to "partial" for a couple hours to finish the puzzle I was working on before I left. It was of Van Gogh's "Starry Night" and it was super hard, the puzzle pieces were all very weird shapes and sizes.

I'm sad that partial is over, I really connected with some of the people there, but their time was up too so I wouldn't get to see them if I stayed.

My husband got back Friday night after being away all week so we had a relaxing weekend and snuggled a lot. Yesterday I did a lot of stuff around the house. I cleaned up the furnace room in the basement and the spare bedroom that was collecting a lot of junk. I took a bunch of stuff out to the garage to put out with the trash this week.

Today will be a lazy day. I slept horribly last night and when I did sleep I had really weird dreams. I have an appointment with my therapist at 11, and that will be the extend of my excitement.

Oh, interesting thing before I forget. My husband and I drive to the end of our street so we can go for a walk in the neighborhoods there since our street is a little busy and doesn't have sidewalks. On Saturday we were walking and a family was making its way on the sidewalk toward us, they had a couple little kids on small bikes or big wheels. I said hello to the woman not thinking much of it and then her husband came into view. He was hunched over a bit leading one of the small bikes so I didn't see who it was until I was five feet from him. It was my OBGYN. I knew he lived somewhere in that neighborhood, but I didn't know where exactly and with the hours I assume he works I never expected to see him out walking. I said hi quickly and we kept going, of course it would be weird to stop and talk to him, so it's just as well. I felt really caught off guard, and it strangely brought back to the front of my mind all my pregnancy issues. I wished that I was pregnant at that moment so badly. I feel like such a failure. I was jealous too, there he was with his cute little kids on their cute little bikes, and me with two dead babies. Seeing him so randomly on the street was all I could talk about the rest of the day. I wondered if he told his wife later that he knew me, but then maybe his doctor/patient stuff would prevent him from even saying that. Part of me doubts he gave me a second thought.

Starting to Feel More Like Me

So a lot has happened since last Tuesday. Here's a recap:

Wednesday I went to my first day at the "Partial Hospitalization Program". I had never done group therapy so I didn't know what to expect. It was strange because no one was really open about why they were there so it was hard for me to be open. Plus I'm not much for talking in front of a group. So I basically felt like, ok, this is my first day, it's too soon to tell if this is going to help or not.

Thursday, wasn't much different. Friday was worse. I was wondering what the point was. Some of the sessions were so removed from anything I could relate to myself that I wondered why I bothered coming. The one interesting thing was that in the afternoon on Friday we played a game. We divided into two teams and all wrote down three things about ourselves that the others probably wouldn't know on separate pieces of paper and it all went in a basket for each team. Then we took turns reading the slips and the other team would try to guess who it was about. The interesting part was that people kept guessing me for other people's slips, only one of mine got read during the game. But then we ran out of time and everyone wanted to know what my other things were, it felt good for people to be curious about me.

My three things were:

I was in the equestrian (horseback riding) club for 2 years in college.

I have been the top fundraiser for the Walk for Diabetes for the last four years, raising over $11k.

I can play the piano, although I haven't in a while, I still can, just not well.

They immediately guessed me for the first one when it was read during the game.

So I went to "partial" this morning and instead of it being more of the same, I felt like things were starting to click. I talked with some people before group, I talked more during group and the second session than I have all three days last week combined and then I sat with some folks at lunch time and talked some more. I feel more comfortable now that I'm starting to get to know some folks. There were less people at partial today, so I didn't feel like there was a huge audience. So I'm excited that it went well today.

As far as the rest of the week, I've been exercising every day (except today because I had to help my husband pack for a business trip and it was rainy out). My husband and I went out to dinner with another couple on Saturday night and had a good time. And then a good portion of the weekend was spent putting together a puzzle I ordered special for my husband's birthday that is a map centered on his parents' house in his hometown. I thought about getting it centered on our house, but it would be a lot of forest which doesn't seem as interesting as lots of streets, highways, and building labels. It was a lot of fun to put together and I'm not even from there. I want to get one of my hometown, that would be super fun too, even though the ocean would probably take up a quarter of it. In case anyone wants to get a puzzle for themselves.

I watched one of my favorite movies tonight, Stardust. It's a great story, I highly recommend it.

My husband is safely in his hotel room now, and now it's time for me to go to bed. I'm going to try to get up in the morning and exercise before going to partial.

As far as Mondays go, this was one of the better ones.

Today Was a Good Day

I feel really good today. It was a glorious day outside. It wasn't too hot, the sun was shining, there was a nice breeze and I took advantage of it.

Since I haven't been going to work, I've been able to sleep in some in the morning, which works out well since I can't get to sleep at night so I'm still pretty tired when my husband's alarm goes off. So I got up, started some laundry and watched a little TV. I opened all the windows and the nice breeze brought the wonderful summer smells into the house. I know that Katie and Krista like the windows open because they can sit in them and watch the birds and bugs outside better.

I've been exercising every day since last Thursday and decided I had to do something outside since it was so nice out. So I went for a bike ride down to the little footbridge over the Housatonic River in Lenox/Lee. It's about 10 miles round trip with several decent hills. My husband and I rode it on Saturday so I felt confident that I could make it again. We've had some more rain since Saturday so there were some large puddles in flat parts of the dirt road, parts where the road was pretty beat up by streams crossing the road and one stream that was flowing pretty well, I didn't see it until it was too late and ended up crossing it at the narrowest part, but also the deepest and rode through about a foot of water. I didn't mind getting a little wet.

When I got home I took a shower and got ready to go to my appointment with a nurse practitioner who is going to monitor my medication, then I had an appointment with my usual therapist. On the way there I stopped to return a bunch of bottles and cans that I rustled up in our garage when I cleaned it out yesterday. It's easy to just put them in my trunk and then they're there when I'm out at the store.

So I'm suppose to increase the amount of Zoloft that I take and take it at night now instead of in the morning. Hopefully that will make sleeping better.

I talked about work a lot at my appointment with my therapist. I feel a lot better since I haven't been going and that my husband isn't expecting me to go back to work in the next couple weeks. That is a relief. Maybe I shouldn't be an engineer anymore.

Tomorrow I start the partial hospitalization program. It's suppose to last for 2 weeks, although it's all voluntary so I could stop going sooner if I don't think it's working out. It will be interesting to see how it goes.

When I got home from my appointments my husband had starting cooking our dinner out back on the grill, we have a screened in porch so we let our cats out there to watch the bugs fly by. Today a couple moths where in the porch and Katie chomped them. She ate one before my husband could get the camera, but here she is chasing down the second one.


So today was a good day. I just hope I can get to sleep better tonight since I actually have to get up in the morning to be somewhere.

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Now that I'm done goofing around with the video, I really need to get to bed!

Bread

This is the bread I made today:Katie woke me up this morning around 6 and I couldn't get back to sleep so I got up to take the trash and recycling out. Last night I went out to the grocery store to get the yeast and flour I needed so that if I felt like it I could make bread today. I'm glad I did. I put 2 of the loaves in the freezer and kept the other 2 out to eat. This is the same recipe for Paska bread that my husband's family makes for Easter. Normally it's made into a round loaf with braids forming a cross on top. Either way it's shaped it's super delicious. My husband is slightly annoyed that I made it because it's not Easter time, but I don't care. If he won't eat any, that's just more for me.

He was away on a business trip since Tuesday afternoon, he got back early this afternoon after his flight last night was cancelled. Tomorrow is our Friday off from work, but I haven't been going to work so it's just another day for me.

In the morning I'm going to talk to a woman at the partial hospitalization program. It's a 9-3 during the day thing with group therapy and some other stuff. I'm sure it would be better than sitting home doing nothing. I'm having a lot of anxiety about going back to work. I wish I had a different job. What do I want to be when I grow up?

A mother.

I think that would be the best job in the world.

A Wednesday

I find it hard to know what to do with myself. I feel like I should be doing something, but I can't get myself going. I've been thinking about making some bread, but I need to go to the store to get yeast and more flour. It seems like such a long drive, too much effort. Even writing right now, I don't know what to say. I've been watching movies, TV, just doing nothing. I don't feel like eating. I don't sleep well and when I do I have strange dreams, but I can't remember what they're about when I wake up.

The highlight of my day today was when Krista came and snuggled with me on the couch. I was lying down and she smushed me with her paws and turned every which way to smush me all over. She would lie down only to get up again and smush some more. This is a rare treat because she's not a snuggly type of cat. Occasionally it builds up in her and it's like she has to get the snuggles out. You just have to be in the right place to receive them. Today I was.

I worry about where my life is heading right now. How long I will feel this way, what I will do with myself. Where I go from here.

It's raining out.

It's been a while

I started taking Zoloft on Thursday. I feel sort of numb inside. Last Wednesday was probably the hardest day I've had since Isabella and Sean died. I needed help and I got it. In the form of a phone call, in a therapy session, in a pill bottle. It helps to just be at home. Just rest when I need to, and think about everything that has been going on. De-stress. I wish I could have done this in April, I feel like it all built up inside and finally it all came out. Will it ever all come out?

A long night....

It's after 4am and I'm still up. I just got off the phone with an online buddy of mine who (whom?) I met through his blog in a post on yucky pizza. It's a very long story, but he sent me an email around 1am saying he was heading to bed. I happened to be sitting here posting my entry on things I'm grateful for so I figured, what the hell, I'll call him. 3 hours later....

I'm really glad that I called because we talked about a lot of my crappy stuff, a lot of fun and silly stuff and pretty much joked around and said silly things. Some of that was due to the very late hour (or early depending on how you look at it). So while I'm very very tired being up this late(early), I'm definitely in better spirits. It doesn't take all the crap away but it was nice to have a break from it. Thank you, Pizza Buddy.

What am I grateful for?

After being thoroughly depressing in so many posts, I have been tasked with finding the good things in my life. Here is what I've come up with:

My husband - it's amazing that he puts up with me. He's my rock in a way because he's there for me to lean on, he's pretty consistent and I know what I'll get with him.

My cats - Katie specifically. She sleeps next to me at night, seemingly watching the door as if she were a guard cat. She wakes me up in the morning purring and meowing and wanting to snuggle under the covers. She gives me lots of kisses on my hands in an attempt to get scratches. Sometimes she nips me. That makes me laugh. There's nothing like waking up to tickly whiskers and a sniffing nose in your face.

My house - I really like my house, there are parts that I would change, but mostly it's a good house. I like that the basement is finished so it's nice and cool down there to watch some TV and escape the heat above ground. I like my bedroom with my beautiful 4 post bed and having our own bathroom right there when I roll out of bed. I like all the counter space in the kitchen, plenty of room to spread out when cooking. I love that in a corner of the living room I have a wonderful cat tower for my cats to play on, that I built myself.
I also love the kitty window seat I built for them in our bedroom.
I love that we're up on a hill, even though the driveway is a pain in the winter, but it's tons of fun to sled down the front yard into the thick snow on the street before the plow comes. I like that I helped to paint every square inch of the walls, ceilings and trim in the living room, dining room and hallway/stairs. I love all the critters that pass by our house, turkeys, deer, fox, bear, it's like Discovery Channel when I look out the window. The fireflies at night are like miniature fireworks displays.That's all I have for now. Maybe my outlook will improve.

Feeling sorry for myself...

So I didn't take a nap when I got home. I really should have. Instead I watched some episodes of a TV show I have on DVD and did some laundry. I pretty much sat on the couch from 2:30 until 7. I finally worked up some initiative and went for a walk/run around the neighborhood up the road. I didn't really feel better after, but my body was sore and tired.

An old friend of mine called me when I got back. We don't really talk that often and generally whenever she calls me she's on her way somewhere or otherwise multitasking which I find very rude. I know that when I call someone to catch up I designate the time and focus to do it. If they're busy and can't talk that's fine with me, but it just doesn't make sense to call people when you're the one who's busy. Actually the reason why she was calling was because a few days earlier she called, while she was on her way somewhere and only had a few minutes, so I asked her to call me when she had more time, without saying everything I've just written. So this was a scheduled call. We talked for a while, me crying, about everything that is a mess in my life. I complained about some things that my husband's dad did over the past weekend visit and I could feel the mood of the conversation change. Just for back story, last year after my husband's family treated me so horribly regarding Isabella's death, I complained to this friend and another over a camping trip in September. This has become an annual event for the 3 of us. This friend proceeded to take up the other side, play devil's advocate and generally make me feel like a whiny bitch for complaining about how I perceived their treatment of me. This after she had just finished complaining about her mom calling everyday concerned about her health as she was going through some sort of respiratory infection. I broke down in tears at the picnic table at the campsite asking her why she couldn't just let me vent about this. I don't know if she's just unfeeling, or can't relate because she's not babylost or what, but it really hurt. I felt like our friendship was on thin ice. It hasn't recovered.

So last night I said to her that I could tell that things had gotten tense and how it made me feel last year when we went camping. She got really offended that I was bringing up the past. I never understand why people get so worked up about the past. When someone wrongs me I have a hard time expressing myself in that moment, so time might pass and I'll bring it up later when I've had time to think about whatever it was. But then it's like I'm ambushing whoever wronged me and I'm now the one doing the wronging (if that's a word). She said that I only call her when something bad has happened, that she likes to surround herself with happy things. I asked if I was too much of a bummer to be her friend anymore. I can't pretend to be happy when I'm not. I can't put on a happy face just to please other people. I wanted to tell her how she only calls me to kill time as she goes from work to home. I wanted to tell her how much her comments when we were camping hurt me and still do. I wanted to tell her how hurt I was that she didn't ask me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding last year when she was my maid of honor. I wanted to tell her how used I felt when she thought a consolation prize for not being a bridesmaid would be for me to spend the day of her wedding setting up the reception hall (don't people who work there do this???). I wish I had said no, I felt so used. Oh, Shannon's organized and has attention to detail, I'll ask her, it's not like she'll be at the spa with me and the bridesmaids all day.

I feel like I don't have any friends. I don't have anyone to call, I don't have anyone to turn to. There are people in my life who hardly ever call me unless they want something. Like to invite themselves to visit supposedly to celebrate my 30th birthday and go to a spa nearby and spend all day there. I felt like they only came because they could stay at my house for free. I mean, who goes to the spa all day and only gets one treatment?

Uggh, all I do is complain. I really can't think of anything good that is going on in my life right now. It's no wonder that no one wants to hear from me, no one wants to talk to me, no one wants to be dragged down by me. I feel like I'm in a downward spiral, I think I've hit the bottom but then the bottom falls out on me. Maybe I need medication, or to be committed to a mental institute. Maybe all I need is a swift kick in the butt. I doubt it.

I feel dumb saying this, but I think the only thing that could possibly make me happy is if I got pregnant again. I would have something to look forward to, something to hope for, something to hang on to. It's hard to have hope. It's hard to think about trying again when I'm still so sad. Maybe I shouldn't bother.

Walk

My husband and I work at the same place. Every day at lunchtime we go for a walk around the building. We usually catch up on a lot of things, make plans for dinner that night, or plans for the weekend or upcoming visits to friends or family.

Today we barely talked at all. I was up late last night crying, so I'm exhausted today. I can't get through to him how I feel. I can't make him have empathy.

He's leaving at 2pm today to go to Virginia for work. I drove us to work so his car wouldn't be left in the parking lot. I think I'll go home after he gets his luggage from my trunk.

I need a nap.