Maggie's Urn

My boyfriend and I picked up Maggie's urn and ashes today.

A Good Night Gone Bad

I'm feeling really sad today and can't seem to shake it.  Last night my boyfriend and I went out to our usual watering hole where everyone knows us and the (female) bartender knows about Maggie.  Everything was fine until around when we got the bill and she made a comment about going home and "having fun" since we both seemed to be in good spirits and sort of smoochy faced.  She proceeded to say how we don't have kids so it will be great not having a kid wandering in asking what you're doing.  And that's when it all went to shit.  I said, "Really?"  And then she had to be reminded of our loss and it got even worse as she fell all over herself apologizing and not only swallowing her foot as well as her calf and knee as she dug herself deeper and deeper and the tears started to fall.  It amazes me how quickly people forget.  How callous people can be with their comments.

I just want to curl in a ball and cry.

Urn

We picked out Maggie's urn today.  Her ashes should be ready soon so they'll be in her urn when we take her home.  It was surreal, like picking out a toaster.  I'm not really sure how to feel about it and the more I think about it the more I want to cry.  It's not something I thought I would be doing, not now, not ever...

Go Forward

I made it through the week.  I didn't go to school on Monday because Sunday night I was feeling very woozy and probably had some general anxiety on top of it.  During the day on Monday I called my adviser just to touch base and she asked if maybe I should consider postponing school for a year.  NO WAY!  I told her there was no option of me doing that.  Tuesday as I drove to school I felt like I had gotten a kick in the ass, and in a good way.  I worked too hard and had waited long enough to get into a PA program.  I also haven't cried since Monday night which is very strange for me as I usually cry a lot.  Not sitting around mulling it over all day probably has helped.

Physically I've been feeling ok.  My boyfriend and I went for a nice walk this afternoon before he had to leave for work.  The ice on the lake was solid after several very cold days and nights recently so we walked all over the lake.  There were tons of people ice fishing or snowmobiling so we weren't alone.  The sun was shining so it actually felt pretty warm.

I'm waiting to hear from the funeral home as far as when they'll get Maggie's remains when the hospital is done with her and the placenta, and then getting her ashes.  It's going to be 4-6 weeks before I hear about the results of pathology/autopsy.  I wonder if we'll learn anything new.  When the placenta was delivered it was half dead, the obvious cause of her being so small and never standing a chance.  Would blood thinners have saved her if I started them not long after getting pregnant?  Who knows.  My sweet boyfriend has suggested harvesting eggs, I'm not sure if he thinks we should try a surrogate or just the fact that I'm closing in on 35 and nearing my egg expiration date.

So life moves on, whether you want it to or not.  You can't go back, you can only go forward.

I whispered to her but she was already gone...
Leaving footprints on my heart,
Taking with her a piece of my soul...

My Maggie, My Longed-for Child

Maggie was stillborn on Friday, January 11th at 11:08, 21 weeks.  She weighed 4.1 oz and was 6.5" long.

Margaret Aibhlinn

Ultrasound Results

It wasn't good news.

I got a call from my OBGYN on Wednesday morning about my quad screen results and already it seemed like the pregnancy was doomed.

At the ultrasound on Thursday the baby was curled up in a ball so they couldn't really see much other than the fact that it was too small.  Measuring 15 weeks when I should have been 18w6d.

The doctor's outlook wasn't good.  I basically got the impression that the damage was done and nothing I could do would fix it.

I had an amnio done anyway, and it was a hundred times more painful than when I had it done when I was pregnant with Isabella.

Now I wait.

I have an appointment with my OBGYN on Wednesday.

I'm terrified of dealing with this and school starting on the 7th.  I wish it would all go away.

Waiting

I'm feeling mopey and sad.  I'm getting nervous about the level 2 ultrasound and worried that it will be bad news.  I wish it was Thursday already so it would be over.

Huge Update!

So my divorce is official now, I'm just waiting to get the paper work so I can legally change my last name back.  It was a long time coming and quite frustrating it got dragged out as long as it did seeing as we've been apart since the beginning of May 2011.

I had quite the crazy year aside from the divorce stuff.  I had been seeing someone last year during the summer and we even lived together but when things fell apart I moved out.  I found an apartment and a roommate through a volunteer ambulance service I was on and that seemed like it would be a decent situation but that rapidly unraveled.  The kid (a 22 year old boy) turned out to be somewhat crazy and got a restraining order against me because I was fed up with him eating my food without asking or replacing it and I called him out on it.  He got threatening so I called the cops on him and they suggested he stay somewhere else that night.  That was a Friday.  Monday morning he got the restraining order against me just to get me back, so after working a 24 hour shift and getting home Tuesday late morning from some errands to take a nap I was escorted from the apartment by a police officer and told to go to the court house to take care of it.  Unfortunately it wasn't that simple and I luckily got the follow up court date for that Friday instead of a week from Tuesday to get it resolved.  In the meantime I had to find somewhere else to live!!  After calling around and even calling my ex-husband, my new boyfriend of only about 6 weeks was kind enough to take me in.  There were a few reasons why I didn't ask him first, living with the previous boyfriend didn't pan out well, we'd only been seeing each other 6 weeks, and he has 2 cats.  Don't get me wrong, I love cats, but I sure wasn't going to leave my cats at the apartment with the psycho while the restraining order crap got sorted out.  For that matter I wasn't going to go back to living there even if it did get sorted out!  So with police escort I went back to the apartment, gathered up some necessities and clothes and of course my cats and their stuff and hauled it all back to my boyfriend's house.  I literally had the clothes on my back when I left the apartment that morning.  Side story: I was so stressed out about the whole thing I came down with terrible tummy issues and had pretty much non-stop diarrhea from that afternoon into the night.  Unfortunately I had an accident and had to use the public bathroom in the library across from the court house to clean myself up and wash out my underwear.  So not only did I only have the clothes on my back I was now going commando!  Friday rolled around and the restraining order was vacated, but the whole ordeal was just terrible.  I ended up staying living with my boyfriend and paying rent of course and it works out pretty well because he works a lot and I do too so we don't see each other a ton so we don't get on each other's nerves.  He works overnight shifts at his job as a paramedic so 4 nights of the week he's not even home and it's funny because the nights when he is home we don't even sleep in the same bed.  He snores like a chainsaw and I apparently flail around a lot so it's just better for everyone to get a good night's sleep if we sleep separately.  One of his cats is very cuddly and she has adopted my bed as her preferred sleeping spot so every night I'm sandwiched between her and my Katie with purring in stereo!

Last winter I applied again to several PA schools and even branched out to places far away since it didn't really matter if I stuck around this area anymore.  I applied to UNE in Portland, ME and UC Davis in California (not far from Napa which would be dangerous!!).  I also applied to Albany Med again and surprisingly got an interview.  A few weeks later on March 1st I got my acceptance letter!  Albany was always my first choice so I was beyond thrilled!!!  School starts in 3 weeks!!  I'm so excited but also getting really nervous.

Things are going really well with my boyfriend, we have a lot in common and laugh a lot.  I brought him up to Maine a couple times to visit my mom and since it was his first time to Maine he had a blast.  I took him to all my favorite places and we went to the beach and got knocked around by the waves and had a ton of fun.

And now for the really big news:  On September 19th I found out I was pregnant.  It wasn't exactly planned and the timing is pretty horrible with school starting but after all I've been through not for one second did I consider anything but a wait and see attitude.  I'm now 17 weeks and 3 days along.  I'm due for a level 2 ultrasound on the 27th so I'll know how things are really going then.  I'll probably find out the sex too.  I've been pretty ambivalent about it because of all my losses, like maybe if I let myself get excited and get my hopes up then they'll get dashed again.  Also, my boyfriend isn't exactly excited about it.  I know it sounds a little crappy but he knows how rigorous PA school can be and is worried for me and getting through school. I can understand that.  He also had pretty much figured at 36 he'd never have kids so this is a huge deal.

I'm nervous about being pregnant and school and how I'll manage but I'm just taking it a day at a time.  I can't really make plans when I still don't feel 100% that it will work out.  Maybe after the level 2 ultrasound when I know more.

So after my pregnancy with Isabella, this is the longest I've been pregnant.  I'm starting to get a little bit of a belly and switched to wearing maternity pants so I'll be more comfortable.  I also got a Doppler so I can listen to the heart beat when ever I want and it's been steady around 160 bpm from what I can count.  It was around 180 when I had my first ultrasound on October 24th.

So what will be will be.  I'll try not to be such a stranger and keep things updated from here on out.

Long time, no posts...

It's been a long time. A lot has happened. Just wondering if anyone is out there and interested in hearing about it.