Go Forward

I made it through the week.  I didn't go to school on Monday because Sunday night I was feeling very woozy and probably had some general anxiety on top of it.  During the day on Monday I called my adviser just to touch base and she asked if maybe I should consider postponing school for a year.  NO WAY!  I told her there was no option of me doing that.  Tuesday as I drove to school I felt like I had gotten a kick in the ass, and in a good way.  I worked too hard and had waited long enough to get into a PA program.  I also haven't cried since Monday night which is very strange for me as I usually cry a lot.  Not sitting around mulling it over all day probably has helped.

Physically I've been feeling ok.  My boyfriend and I went for a nice walk this afternoon before he had to leave for work.  The ice on the lake was solid after several very cold days and nights recently so we walked all over the lake.  There were tons of people ice fishing or snowmobiling so we weren't alone.  The sun was shining so it actually felt pretty warm.

I'm waiting to hear from the funeral home as far as when they'll get Maggie's remains when the hospital is done with her and the placenta, and then getting her ashes.  It's going to be 4-6 weeks before I hear about the results of pathology/autopsy.  I wonder if we'll learn anything new.  When the placenta was delivered it was half dead, the obvious cause of her being so small and never standing a chance.  Would blood thinners have saved her if I started them not long after getting pregnant?  Who knows.  My sweet boyfriend has suggested harvesting eggs, I'm not sure if he thinks we should try a surrogate or just the fact that I'm closing in on 35 and nearing my egg expiration date.

So life moves on, whether you want it to or not.  You can't go back, you can only go forward.