And that makes 9.

A Little Bit Pregnant

I just got done with my anatomy and physiology class for today. The teacher said something that really irked me and I debated sticking around after class to talk to her about it. A lot of other people stayed to ask her questions so I just left. I feel like I chickened out.

I can't even remember what point she was trying to emphasize but she tried to by saying, "It's like being pregnant, you either are or you aren't, you're not 'a little bit pregnant'."

I beg to differ. I've been 'a little bit pregnant' more times than I care to count. I wanted to explain to her that it's when you've had multiple miscarriages and you get pregnant again and you know it's not a sure bet so you're only a little bit pregnant. Or you've had yet another miscarriage, you were a little bit pregnant. At this point my philosophy is: being pregnant means reaching the end goal: a live, breathing on its own, screaming/crying baby. Up until that goal is reached I'll have only experienced a little bit pregnant.

Unexpected

My husband and I watched the movie "Up" last night. A cute Disney film about a cranky old man who makes his house float with about a million helium balloons.

Spoiler Alert: Little did I know that in the first 12 minutes we'd find out how he became a cranky old man by seeing his life from wedding day to the death of his wife which included a miscarriage. I really wasn't expecting that and I bawled my eyes out. Thanks a lot Disney. It's really a bummer how much these so called children's movies are so real life. What happened to happily ever after?

Whoever animated the wife, drew her or cgi'd her, they got her expression exactly right. I don't think an Academy Award winning actress could have acted it any better.

Good Luck

A friend of mine's wife announced on Facebook last night that she is pregnant. It made me feel miserable. I am happy for them on some level, but it just makes me so sad for myself. I suppose it's selfish of me to think that people (friends?) who know what I've been through should somehow apply some restraint to their announcements of such news. When I hear that someone is pregnant, I don't think, "congratuations", I think, "good luck". But as I read somewhere else, I've taken the statistical bullet for everyone I know IRL. So I'm sure that everything will be perfectly fine for her. Why shouldn't it be?

I hate myself for feeling this way.

Final Essay

Sorry to keep beating this to death, but I had to write an even beefier essay for the other school I applied to so I fluffed up the previous one. I'm pretty pumped about it. Here's my essay for the final time:

I spent the past eight years working as a systems engineer with a degree in electrical engineering. In the last few years of my engineering career I no longer found my work enjoyable and realized I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life in a career I found unfulfilling. That time in my life was also marked by personal disappointment. My husband and I had hoped to start a family, an exciting new chapter in our lives. Unfortunately I found that every pregnancy doesn’t have a happy outcome. During this difficult time I formed a strong mentoring relationship with my obstetrician/gynecologist. My passion for having a family was transformed into a passion for finding out why I had suffered multiple losses. My doctor, who understood my dissatisfaction with my engineering career, gave me the nudge I needed to consider a career change to the medical field. After a short time of careful consideration I put all my effort toward taking the necessary steps to reach my goal.

I knew that any significant change in career direction would mean further education. Five years ago I would never have considered obtaining a masters degree. I had already struggled with the coursework for my electrical engineering degree. In choosing this new career direction I found that I needed to take several courses before applying to a program. As I complete these prerequisites, I’m enjoying my studies more than I ever thought possible. It’s so refreshing to wake up in the morning and be excited about the day ahead.

As part of my patient contact hours I have been working as an assistant to the nurse practitioner in the office of my obstetrician/gynecologist. I’ve also been able to witness first hand how to sensitively care for patients who are in physical and emotional pain. Compassion is a vital element of quality care. My own experiences will influence my approach to providing compassionate and quality care to patients. I want to be the kind of provider my doctor was to me. Although my work in this office setting is very valuable, it is also specialized. Therefore I am currently enrolled in basic EMT training. Once completed, I plan to finish my patient contact hours as an EMT. I feel that this will broaden my experience and better prepare me for the variety of challenges that your PA program will provide.

I have also spent time shadowing a physician assistant in an ear, nose and throat office. I was able to witness her execute her daily duties and realize the intricacies in the area of ear, nose and throat. From my time with her I was able to learn more about her own journey to becoming a physician assistant and feel even more confident in my own decision to pursue this exciting new direction in my life.

Along with my current full course load, patient contact hours and EMT training, I’m also involved in a work-study position to inventory my college’s anatomy and physiology lab as well as a volunteer position at the Pittsfield Public Library tutoring English. I enjoy my volunteering activities because of the opportunity it provides me to give back to the community, and I feel that this further prepares me to work in the community after graduation.

I'm excited about the coursework for the PA program but even more enthusiastic about the rotations and the opportunity to interact with patients. The process of completing my patient contact hours has been especially exhilarating for me because it is such a change from my engineering career where I spent most of my time in a cubicle. I really enjoy interacting with people and the chance to help them makes it even more gratifying. I attended an information session at Albany Medical College and was impressed by the faculty, the students and the proximity to Albany Medical Center. Albany Medical College is my choice for graduate school because of the small class size and the personal relationships it allows between student and instructor.

I have often been told that things happen for a reason. When I reflect on the pivotal moments in my life I believe each choice led me down a better path. While a career in engineering isn’t for me, it was through this work that I met my husband. Likewise, my misfortunes in trying to start a family have led me to a new crossroads. By becoming a physician assistant I believe I will find life work that will allow me to give myself to others in a way that will be both satisfying and rewarding. As part of this journey I look forward to attending Albany Medical College and becoming part of the Albany Medical College family.

Essay - Reworked

I've spent a lot of time on my essay this week, I think it's ready. Check it out:

---

I spent the last eight years working as a systems engineer with a degree in electrical engineering. In the last few years of my engineering career I no longer found my work enjoyable and realized I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life in a career I found unfulfilling. That time in my life was also marked by personal disappointment. My husband and I had hoped to start a family; unfortunately I found that every pregnancy doesn’t have a happy outcome. My passion for having a family was translated into a passion for finding out why I had suffered multiple losses. My doctor, who understood my dissatisfaction with my engineering career, gave me the nudge I needed to consider a career change to the medical field. After a short time of careful consideration I put all my effort toward taking the necessary steps to reach my goal.

I knew that a significant change in career direction would mean further education. Five years ago I would never have considered getting a masters degree. I struggled with the coursework for my electrical engineering degree. In choosing this new career direction I found that I needed to take several courses before applying to a program. As I complete these prerequisites, I’m enjoying my studies more than I ever thought possible.

As part of my patient contact hours I’ve been working as an assistant to the nurse practitioner in the office of my ob/gyn. I’ve also been able to witness first hand how to sensitively care for patients who are in physical and emotional pain. Compassion is a vital element of quality care. My own experiences will influence my approach to providing compassionate care to patients. Although my work in this office setting is very valuable, it is also specialized. Therefore I am in the process of enrolling in basic EMT training. Once completed, I plan to finish my patient contact hours as an EMT. I feel that this broaden my experience and better prepare me for the variety of challenges that your PA program will provide.

Along with my current full course load, patient contact hours and upcoming EMT training, I’m also involved in a workstudy position to inventory my college’s anatomy and physiology lab and a volunteer position at the library tutoring English. I enjoy my volunteering activities because of the opportunity it provides me to give back to the community and I feel that this further prepares me to work in the community after graduation.

I have often been told that things happen for a reason. When I reflect on the pivotal moments in my life I believe each choice led me down a better path. While a career in engineering isn’t for me, it was through this work that I met my husband. Likewise, my misfortunes in trying to start a family have led me to a new crossroads. By becoming a PA I believe I will find life work that will allow me to give myself to others in a way that will be both satisfying and rewarding.

Tests, Snow Days and Grad School Applications, Oh My!

If it weren't for another snow day cancellation today I probably wouldn't be posting. I'm actually pretty bummed out because 2 weeks ago we had a snow day on Wednesday and ended up not having any snow and we got behind in our chemistry lab schedule compared to the Tuesday lab folks. So here we are again, no lab and behind even more.

School is going well, it's a lot busier this semester with 4 classes. I had a test in each last week, so I was pretty frazzled but I thought I did pretty well. I must admit that I'm disappointed with my grades that I have gotten back. Microbiology - 89, and Anatomy and Physiology - 87 with likely extra credit added I might end up with a 93. Statistics was easy - 95. I'm still waiting to get back my chemistry test.

After a hectic week of tests and studying I decided I should look into getting my grad school applications going. It's lucky I did! The school I really want to go to has a long applications window, but they do a rolling admissions. So the earlier you apply the better. It basically means that if someone applies now and gets accepted and then someone else applies in September that's better, they might not get a spot because they're taken up already. The other issue is that they use an online form that has cycle of April to March, so each April they purge all their previous year's data and start fresh. Most colleges' application cycles correspond with this but the school I want overlaps this, so they say get your stuff in my March 1st so it has 4 weeks to process it before the purge or you have to wait until May to apply. So that leaves me a week to get it done! Holy crap!

I was pretty stressed out Sunday night wondering how I was going to pull it off, but it's actually coming together pretty well. I'm waiting for a couple letters of reference, one from my doctor who I've emailed and left a note on his desk but I haven't heard from him. If it wasn't for all this snow I would drive over there and make sure he got my message. I just hope he can get his submitted by Friday evening. I want to hit my submit button by Saturday night if at all possible. Amazingly the NP at the office has already submitted hers, she's the best! She's not that great with computers so I'm really surprised she got hers done first.

I'm still working on my "personal narrative". It's not as long as they allow you for space, but sometimes less is more and all that. I'm not one to add fluff to an essay just to get a certain word count.

So I don't know what to do with myself today. It feels like a waste sort of, but I'm glad I was able to catch up on some sleep. Needless to say I haven't been sleeping well with everything that's on my mind. Once I get the application submitted I hope sleep will follow.

---

Here's my personal narrative if you're interested: (any comments or suggestions would be welcomed as well!)

I have a degree in electrical engineering and worked as a systems engineer for eight years before I came to the realization that I didn’t have to spend the rest of my working years feeling unfulfilled. I knew that no worthwhile job would be posted in the classifieds and any that was worthwhile would require going back to school. Coinciding with the last few years of my engineering career were attempts at starting a family, an exciting new chapter in my life. Unfortunately I found that every pregnancy doesn’t have a happy outcome. With these tragedies I formed a solid relationship with my ob/gyn in trying to solve my medical problems. My passion for having a family was translated into a passion for finding out why I couldn’t. My doctor, knowing my dissatisfaction with my work gave me the nudge I needed to consider a career change to the medical field. After a short time of careful consideration I put all my effort toward taking the steps necessary to reach my goal.

If you asked me five years ago if I was interested in getting my masters, I would have given you a resounding no. I didn’t enjoy my courses in getting my electrical engineering degree. Now I’m enjoying school more than I thought possible as I complete my prerequisites. It’s so refreshing to wake up in the morning and be excited for the day ahead.

In the time I’ve spent working in my doctor’s office I’ve been able to witness first hand how to be a health provider, when the news is good and when it’s not. I want to be the kind of provider my doctor was to me. I know how much compassion comes into receiving quality care. I’ve also learned how not to be because of those I’ve encountered who lacked that compassion.

People always say things happen for a reason and I like to think about different crossroads in my life and how things could be so different if I hadn't made the choices I've made. So while a career in engineering isn’t for me, I might not have met my husband otherwise. And if I could help people as a PA then maybe that will be the good that will come of my own misfortune.

Wonderings

I know, it's shocking to hear from me after only one week! :)

The first week of school was great, so far I'm enjoying my classes. I just need to keep on top of things and I'll be ok. I have a few new instructors this semester and so far they're pretty cool. I do miss my bio 2 instructor from last semester, she was super cool. I'll have to make a point of stopping by her office once in a while to catch up and say hi.
It's weird to feel so happy about school, but I'm also slightly overwhelmed with the undertaking and I feel bad about my husband's stress for being the sole provider, but also sad about our prospects for a family. I feel like the ship has sailed on that part of our lives.

I like to read the comic "Zits", for those of you who don't read it, it's about a teenage boy and his parents. Today's Sunday comic was really cute and actually made me tear up a bit. It's sad to me because I feel like I'll never have that. The adorable little boy or the surly teenager.

(I had to insert the actual comic because the link no longer works....)


I think a big part of why I haven't posted at all in the last few months it that thinking about these things makes me sad. It's hard to be sad and happy at the same time. I feel guilty when I'm happy and then disappointed in the course of my life when I'm sad. (But then also grateful that I'm not still stuck in a job I hate.) I don't want to forget about my babies but I don't want them to be an iron weight I must constantly bear.

I wondered the other day when the day will come that people stop asking us when we're going to have kids. Has it already come?

I'm wondering now if writing a blog about sad things really is so cathartic after a certain point. Is there an end to the tears that could be shed over these losses?

Wait and See

Wow, so it's been more than a few days for this update. Sorry about that.

I thought that after school got done and after Christmas I would have some time to write a big update but then I got busy working and doing everything else that I've been too busy during school to deal with.

So here I am now, the day before classes start again.

First off, I got a 4.0 for the fall semester! I'm very happy about that. I only took 3 classes, so hopefully taking 4 this semester won't cause my GPA to suffer.

I took a training course at the library to get certified to tutor people in English. I've always been something of a grammar freak so it's lots of fun in that respect. I've been tutoring a woman from El Salvador, she's lived here for a long time so she speaks pretty well so we're working on reading. If you have any children's books to recommend, let me know. We started on "The Trumpet of the Swan" by E.B.White, one of my childhood favorites, and she's doing pretty well reading that.

Back in November I started working at my doctor's office. Since he was the one to really give me the big push to start a new career I was happy to have an "in" with him at the office because I need to get "patient contact hours" to even apply to a PA program. It might seem strange for me to work there when I've had such bad experiences at the hands of that office (and particularly from one employee) but it's really not that weird at all. I don't mind random people who are pregnant. I don't have to see them everyday and listen to their pregnancy stories and feel like they're rubbing it in my face like some people I do know who are or have been pregnant since this whole mess started 3 years ago. (I found out on January 16, 2007 that I was pregnant for the first time.)

I have been enjoying school a lot and when people ask me if I miss my old job I can't help having a big smile on my face when I say "Not one bit!" I do miss the folks I use to work with and we occasionally get together for lunch. My husband still works there so I went to the annual holiday party with him and got to catch up with old friends.

I feel like a lot has happened since September, but it's probably just the craziness of school and work and holidays.

Interestingly enough I haven't been pregnant since September. We haven't really been trying that hard and I feel like we've pretty much given up and I've put away all my pregnancy charting stuff. I don't do ovulation tests or have pregnancy tests on hand anymore. I don't mark a calendar about mucus or cramps or twinges. It's weird to think now about getting pregnant and what that might mean if it actually worked out. I'm not really sure anymore.

I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

A Quick Note

It's been a really long time, but I thought I would post a quick note to say that yes, I'm still alive.

School is going really well, I'm almost done for this semester. Just one more final to take.

I'll be sure to post a better update in the coming days.

Merry Christmas, everyone!