I Don't Think I Will

We didn't do much this weekend except eat. I think my husband thinks eating yummy food will cheer me up. I just feel bloated now.

I was friends with someone on FB and now I'm not, they "unfriended" me. They started going on about how I should just adopt like it's so easy and money grows on trees and it will solve all my problems.

I thought it was rude of them to tell me what I should do next like I shouldn't bother to grieve this loss first. I don't want to think about adoption now. My husband and I discussed it briefly and it's not likely to happen while I'm not working since we don't have the money for it. So that's about 4 years away. I'll be 36. I might as well forget about having kids.

If we tried again I'm sure we'd have the same outcome. At some point enough is enough. Is 10 enough?

I haven't gotten out of bed yet. I don't think I will.

The Little One We Lost

My husband dragged me out to the farmers' market and store to get food today. When we got home I collapsed and took a nap but I'm feeling a lot better now. I haven't had much bleeding at all since this morning.

We're going to open a bottle of red and toast to the little one we lost.

The Worst is Over

I woke up a bit ago and went to the bathroom. A huge clot came out. It was about 2.5" in diameter. I nearly passed out on the toilet but I managed to get back to bed to lie down. I feel miserable. My husband is making me some toast.

I think the worst is over. I can't imagine there's much left to come out.

No Heartbeat

So that's it. Ultrasound sucked. Went to OBGYN's office, got Rx for misoprostol. I don't want to do another D&C.

I think 10 is enough. Maybe I should have a hysterectomy.

Another Week Down

More blood work this morning, level is now 17,979. While that's not as high as I calculated it should be (23,456) I'm guessing that when the numbers are that high a few thousand off shouldn't be a big deal. I was stressing about it most of the day and had the unfortunate experience of getting the lame phlebotomist who likes to blame people for his own incompetencies. No I am not dehydrated. You suck.

The RE's office called with the results and told me to call my local OBGYN to schedule the U/S and get an office appointment. I don't know what I need an appointment for but I called the nurse at the office and let her know what the RE wanted me to do. I'm in the office tomorrow for work so I'll just talk to her about it then. Seriously, I could just chat with my doctor in between patients but then he probably couldn't charge me a copay.

So keep the fingers crossed. I don't plan on having the U/S until at least next Friday because I don't want to deal with bad news and an ochem final. Ochem will be just a bad memory this time next week!

Still Good

I went for the blood work on Thursday, 2930, so still on the rise. I've been busy with school so I was lazy and didn't post. Sorry to keep anyone in suspense.

MORE blood work on Thursday again and then maybe scheduling an ultrasound. :)

Good News

I had another blood test this morning. I seriously have track marks worse than a junkie! Level went up as it should, 810, so it's good news. All I can think is at least this isn't another chemical pregnancy. I hope I make it past the dreaded 9 week mark though.

More blood work on Thursday. When will my veins close up?

Keep Those Fingers Crossed!

Second blood draw today, only one vial and no passing out! I really love my RE. Not even 2 hours later they called me with the results. THEY CALLED ME! Whoo hoo! It was 235 up from 56 so that is really great. Another blood draw on Monday.

Keep those fingers crossed!

One Day at a Time

A lot has happened this week.

I haven't mentioned yet on my blog, but I've managed to finally pull together something resembling a support group in my area. We've had 2 meetings and I'm feeling pretty excited about it after trying for so long to get it going. I really hope that it keeps going. I had a long conversation with my buddy Carol about how to facilitate a group because she's so awesome at it. If I can do half as well as her then I'll be on my way.

I found out yesterday about my blood work that was sent to California. All the results were negative, so I won't need to take intralipid. That is sort of disconcerting because it means that the only treatment planned during pregnancy would be progesterone and tons of folic acid. I don't see how that will miraculously make anything come out differently than it has in the past.

The interesting part is that I'll find out sooner than later. I did a test on Tuesday morning and got a faint line. I went for more blood work yesterday (which was a story in itself) and had a 56 for the hCG. I'm due to repeat the test again tomorrow to see which way the number is going. So all in all, I'm currently pregnant. I'll know tomorrow if I can dare to hope a little bit and hopefully when I call the office about my results I'll find out more about the lack of intralipid treatment and what that might mean for this pregnancy. I feel like I need to be doing something. Maybe stand on my head?

I think I've said this before, but please please don't congratulate me for getting pregnant. I know that it's a difficulty for a lot of us in this boat and I don't want to diminish that, and I definitely don't think it's easy getting pregnant, but this is my 10th time. TENTH. There is nothing left to congratulate about any of this until someone hands me a screaming baby.

For all I know the hCG level could be down tomorrow and I'll be back at square one. Even if it has gone up there's making it past the 9 week mark and then past the 19th week mark which seems like such a long time. But I can't get ahead of myself. I have to just think about the here and now.

Some good news is that I've been working with the RE out by Boston for all of the lab work and getting me on progesterone treatment and they are so on top of things unlike my local OBGYN's office. I emailed both doctors Tuesday morning and immediately heard back from the RE. I only just heard back from my OBGYN last night. He said he saw my labs and then later checked his email. I mean seriously? He hasn't checked his email from 9am Tuesday to 11pm Wednesday? He also asked if I was going to call the RE to let him know. Did he think I snuck into the office and forged a lab slip to get the blood work done? I emailed him back that the RE was the one who ordered the labs and is sending one for a repeat on Friday. Umm, duh. Dr. OBGYN isn't instilling me with much confidence.... I'm not sure what the next steps will be as far as who manages my care, but like I said a bit ago: one day at a time.

As for the blood work story, I let a student attempt to draw my blood which consisted of about 7 vials because I was also getting the recheck my hematologist wanted done for the APS. He managed to get the first vial fine, but the second snapped in and nothing happened. So the trainer tried to help by fishing around. Then it all went down hill. I passed out. Get out the ice packs and the smelling salts. I finally woke up to them calling my name and I was all sweaty but at least I didn't wet myself! Something to be proud of. They hadn't finished drawing my blood so after I was ok to walk they moved me to a side room with a recliner chair and she finished me up. They made me sit around for a bit and drink water then finally let me get on my way. What a mess! I guess I won't be having students learn to draw blood on me again.

One last thing. For general blog maintenance I've been moderating comments because I've been getting a lot of comments in Chinese. I don't know Chinese and while I can put it in a translator and get something back 99% of the time the comments make no sense or are completely unrelated to my post. I'm not sure who these people are who are leaving comments in Chinese or if it's some weird automated thing but please stop. If you want to leave a comment, please do it in English and have it relate to my post. I'm going to call that blog etiquette.

Just in Time

Busy busy again. What's new? I've been going back and forth a lot with doctors about my latest blood work results and what they mean for a future pregnancy. The RE I saw out by Boston wants me to do intralipid if I get pregnant again and after some prodding from me to find out more about it he decided to actually test me for NK cells. So after a lot of hoopla with the lab they use I finally got them to just email me the lab slip to take with me to the local lab and the shipping label to send the blood where it needs to go. You'd think that would be easy, right?

Here's the super ironic part. I came across a place out in California that does reproductive immunology stuff. They send you a kit, you get all kinds of blood drawn and they test it and let you know what's wrong with you and why you're having miscarriage after miscarriage. Well, they are "out of network" so rather than spent thousands of dollars to get blood work done I called my insurance company and asked who was in-network so I could go there and possibly find out what my problem is. So I go to the place out by Boston, in-network, and didn't really get any new information but was told to go on intralipid. Then the blood work from my hematologist came back and I don't even have antiphospholipid antibody syndrome. But still do the intralipid. So let's actually test to see if I need it before paying an arm and a leg for that treatment because I'm pretty sure insurance won't cover that. Soooo, where do they want to send the blood to have it tested? The place in California! Not only that but they said they will bill my insurance and whatever the insurance doesn't pay is covered because the lab who's ordering the blood work has an agreement with the RE's office by Boston. So who cares that the place in California is out of network, I might actually get of scot free for this blood work. That would be nice.

So hopefully all will go smoothly tomorrow at the local lab, they'll draw the blood, send the stuff FedEx and in 6 calendar days after they receive it, I'll know something worth knowing.

It might be just in time for me to find out if I'm pregnant or not. Keep your fingers crossed for me.