Call and Ask

Upon further review (and lack of cramping/bleeding) it's been decided that complete miscarriage won't occur for at least a few more days. 

Since the baby only recently died, the natural hormone levels need to drop before my dumb uterus will get with the picture. It makes me think taking progesterone is a big messy waste of time.  And it obviously doesn't keep babies alive. It just keeps the dead ones in there. 

Sean died a while before he came out. I have no way of knowing when that was so I remember him the day he left my body.  I was just lucky to find out by ultrasound the day before it happened.  I remember thinking 2 years ago it was sort of a good thing, the knowing. Imagine my shock and misery to not know what was in store.

So I wonder what I should do. A D&C is not fun but would get the job done and fast. Get it over. And my doctor would have the "stuff" in hand to send to pathology.  I wouldn't have to carry a baggy of dead baby to the office like I did with Sean. 

This Friday I have no classes because my A&P teacher is going on a trip. Monday is a holiday in MA so no school that day either. Maybe I should get a D&C on Friday. 

The only thing is it will ruin my hubby's weekend. He has a guys' weekend planned with his best friends from college. Drinking, video games, maybe a casino. Who wants to cancel that to drive your wife home from a D&C and take care of her all weekend. I'd rather go to the casino.

And of course if I make plans I will surely miscarry naturally before Friday and not need the D&C. That wouldn't be bad either I guess. 

Maybe someone else can drive me home from the D&C. Afterall, hubby will only be an hour and a half away. It's not like I would need him to hold my hand all weekend. I would probably just sleep a lot anyway.

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I just talked to him about it. He's against it because he doesn't like going to the doctor or having procedures.  He thinks I'm too impatient and that I just want to know the sex so I can name it and be all "weird". Really I think he's selfish and doesn't want his weekend with the guys ruined worrying about me recovering at home.

I want to know about the chromosomes. If they're normal then we should just give up. Then it's the oven that's obviously broken and we shouldn't waste our time or subject ourselves to this anguish anymore.

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And thinking about it more there's a chance my doctor won't be able to do it Friday. He might be off that day. I guess there's one way to find out. Call and ask.

Back to Our Regularly Scheduled Programming

Oddly enough, I'm feeling a lot better. That might change when the horrible cramps come as I know they will, but until then my mental outlook isn't so bad.

For those of you reading who are friends with me on Facebook please let me know if you think I went a little too crazy with some of the stuff I posted. I'm interested in knowing. I don't regret it but I'm curious to know what folks think who are in this babylost boat as opposed to my other Facebook friends who haven't been there.

My hubby and I had a lazy day yesterday. He forced me to go for a walk with him in the late afternoon and then we had monster cheeseburgers and pasta salad for dinner. And beer because, hey, I'm not pregnant, right?

He's out raking the lawn, that's what he does. Keep busy.

Thursday night I had to go to my EMT class because you have to go to each class or pay $50 to make it up. I stayed through the lecture portion but couldn't face back-board practice where I would have to interact with people. I hadn't been able to hold back the tears as it was. I took my instructor aside at break and told her what happened and she of course told me to go home. My hubby asked if I snuck out at break, I said no, she told me to go home. I told him someone would have to be an a-hole to say "suck it up, it's time to do some back-boarding!" She told me she had also had a miscarriage before having her kids. I have yet to hear someone tell me, "oh yeah, I had 10 miscarriages before I had my kids." I'll keep you posted if that ever changes.

Back to school tomorrow. I don't know if the bleeding will be today or not, I forecast it will based on stopping the progesterone, but I know how my body likes to trick me. My doctor wants me to bring in the "tissue" for pathology. I hope I don't have to collect it in a bathroom stall.

So aside from the inevitable it's back to our regularly scheduled programming.

Thanks for the Love

Wifey is awesome: semi-fertile....

And thank you to everyone else who has posted a comment or sent an email. I appreciate it.

And Facebook can suck it. I'm done sugar-coating my life, I'm throwing it in everyone's face. I don't care anymore.

Baby #9

I hope everyone understands why I didn't post that I was pregnant. I was tired of saying it just to take it back. Not that this is any easier. 

This is what happened:

I started my period on January 20th, no different than any other month. Didn't chart, didn't test for ovulation. Didn't really try. The last time my husband and I had sex was Valentine's Day. I had no expectations. I was busy with school.  I completed and submitted my grad school applications in the last week of February.  My EMT course started in the beginning of March.

I hadn't had my period yet so my doctor sent me for a blood test on March 5th. I was literally shocked to see a positive result and not only that but a whopping number: 628

Of course they like to see a trend so I returned on March 8th and got the results: 2635

I know better than to get my hopes up but this seemed promising. But I was already upset. I felt like this one would work out and all my school plans would get messed up. (I guess I don't have to worry about that now.)

I was scheduled for an ultrasound on March 19th. The day before my birthday. The measurements were off but I know I ovulate late. But we saw a fetal pole and heart beat: 120bpm. I was dated at 5w6d, due date 11/13/10. 

My doctor suggested another ultrasound to see my progress. I went at 3:30 on April 8th. Two years to the day when I had the ultrasound that showed Sean had no heart beat. It was the same thing all over again. At least this time the tech didn't suck so there was no pretending. I got the story straight.

The growth was good, measured 8w3d for it being 8w5d. Its tiny heart had only recently stopped. 

I went home broken hearted and defeated again by my own body. 

I didn't take my lovenox shot on Thursday or my progesterone suppositories. So it's just a matter of time. I could have a D&C but would rather not. And my doctor said if I don't start bleeding and pass tissue soon then he'll give me misoprostol. I doubt it will come to that. 

So here I am again. It's hard because this is the longest I've been pregnant in 2 years. 

I didn't think I had gotten my hopes up but apparently I can lie effectively to myself now. 

Today I remember Sean Eoghan on his two year anniversary.

And also this latest loss.

And that makes 9.

A Little Bit Pregnant

I just got done with my anatomy and physiology class for today. The teacher said something that really irked me and I debated sticking around after class to talk to her about it. A lot of other people stayed to ask her questions so I just left. I feel like I chickened out.

I can't even remember what point she was trying to emphasize but she tried to by saying, "It's like being pregnant, you either are or you aren't, you're not 'a little bit pregnant'."

I beg to differ. I've been 'a little bit pregnant' more times than I care to count. I wanted to explain to her that it's when you've had multiple miscarriages and you get pregnant again and you know it's not a sure bet so you're only a little bit pregnant. Or you've had yet another miscarriage, you were a little bit pregnant. At this point my philosophy is: being pregnant means reaching the end goal: a live, breathing on its own, screaming/crying baby. Up until that goal is reached I'll have only experienced a little bit pregnant.

Unexpected

My husband and I watched the movie "Up" last night. A cute Disney film about a cranky old man who makes his house float with about a million helium balloons.

Spoiler Alert: Little did I know that in the first 12 minutes we'd find out how he became a cranky old man by seeing his life from wedding day to the death of his wife which included a miscarriage. I really wasn't expecting that and I bawled my eyes out. Thanks a lot Disney. It's really a bummer how much these so called children's movies are so real life. What happened to happily ever after?

Whoever animated the wife, drew her or cgi'd her, they got her expression exactly right. I don't think an Academy Award winning actress could have acted it any better.

Good Luck

A friend of mine's wife announced on Facebook last night that she is pregnant. It made me feel miserable. I am happy for them on some level, but it just makes me so sad for myself. I suppose it's selfish of me to think that people (friends?) who know what I've been through should somehow apply some restraint to their announcements of such news. When I hear that someone is pregnant, I don't think, "congratuations", I think, "good luck". But as I read somewhere else, I've taken the statistical bullet for everyone I know IRL. So I'm sure that everything will be perfectly fine for her. Why shouldn't it be?

I hate myself for feeling this way.

Final Essay

Sorry to keep beating this to death, but I had to write an even beefier essay for the other school I applied to so I fluffed up the previous one. I'm pretty pumped about it. Here's my essay for the final time:

I spent the past eight years working as a systems engineer with a degree in electrical engineering. In the last few years of my engineering career I no longer found my work enjoyable and realized I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life in a career I found unfulfilling. That time in my life was also marked by personal disappointment. My husband and I had hoped to start a family, an exciting new chapter in our lives. Unfortunately I found that every pregnancy doesn’t have a happy outcome. During this difficult time I formed a strong mentoring relationship with my obstetrician/gynecologist. My passion for having a family was transformed into a passion for finding out why I had suffered multiple losses. My doctor, who understood my dissatisfaction with my engineering career, gave me the nudge I needed to consider a career change to the medical field. After a short time of careful consideration I put all my effort toward taking the necessary steps to reach my goal.

I knew that any significant change in career direction would mean further education. Five years ago I would never have considered obtaining a masters degree. I had already struggled with the coursework for my electrical engineering degree. In choosing this new career direction I found that I needed to take several courses before applying to a program. As I complete these prerequisites, I’m enjoying my studies more than I ever thought possible. It’s so refreshing to wake up in the morning and be excited about the day ahead.

As part of my patient contact hours I have been working as an assistant to the nurse practitioner in the office of my obstetrician/gynecologist. I’ve also been able to witness first hand how to sensitively care for patients who are in physical and emotional pain. Compassion is a vital element of quality care. My own experiences will influence my approach to providing compassionate and quality care to patients. I want to be the kind of provider my doctor was to me. Although my work in this office setting is very valuable, it is also specialized. Therefore I am currently enrolled in basic EMT training. Once completed, I plan to finish my patient contact hours as an EMT. I feel that this will broaden my experience and better prepare me for the variety of challenges that your PA program will provide.

I have also spent time shadowing a physician assistant in an ear, nose and throat office. I was able to witness her execute her daily duties and realize the intricacies in the area of ear, nose and throat. From my time with her I was able to learn more about her own journey to becoming a physician assistant and feel even more confident in my own decision to pursue this exciting new direction in my life.

Along with my current full course load, patient contact hours and EMT training, I’m also involved in a work-study position to inventory my college’s anatomy and physiology lab as well as a volunteer position at the Pittsfield Public Library tutoring English. I enjoy my volunteering activities because of the opportunity it provides me to give back to the community, and I feel that this further prepares me to work in the community after graduation.

I'm excited about the coursework for the PA program but even more enthusiastic about the rotations and the opportunity to interact with patients. The process of completing my patient contact hours has been especially exhilarating for me because it is such a change from my engineering career where I spent most of my time in a cubicle. I really enjoy interacting with people and the chance to help them makes it even more gratifying. I attended an information session at Albany Medical College and was impressed by the faculty, the students and the proximity to Albany Medical Center. Albany Medical College is my choice for graduate school because of the small class size and the personal relationships it allows between student and instructor.

I have often been told that things happen for a reason. When I reflect on the pivotal moments in my life I believe each choice led me down a better path. While a career in engineering isn’t for me, it was through this work that I met my husband. Likewise, my misfortunes in trying to start a family have led me to a new crossroads. By becoming a physician assistant I believe I will find life work that will allow me to give myself to others in a way that will be both satisfying and rewarding. As part of this journey I look forward to attending Albany Medical College and becoming part of the Albany Medical College family.