Wonderings

I know, it's shocking to hear from me after only one week! :)

The first week of school was great, so far I'm enjoying my classes. I just need to keep on top of things and I'll be ok. I have a few new instructors this semester and so far they're pretty cool. I do miss my bio 2 instructor from last semester, she was super cool. I'll have to make a point of stopping by her office once in a while to catch up and say hi.
It's weird to feel so happy about school, but I'm also slightly overwhelmed with the undertaking and I feel bad about my husband's stress for being the sole provider, but also sad about our prospects for a family. I feel like the ship has sailed on that part of our lives.

I like to read the comic "Zits", for those of you who don't read it, it's about a teenage boy and his parents. Today's Sunday comic was really cute and actually made me tear up a bit. It's sad to me because I feel like I'll never have that. The adorable little boy or the surly teenager.

(I had to insert the actual comic because the link no longer works....)


I think a big part of why I haven't posted at all in the last few months it that thinking about these things makes me sad. It's hard to be sad and happy at the same time. I feel guilty when I'm happy and then disappointed in the course of my life when I'm sad. (But then also grateful that I'm not still stuck in a job I hate.) I don't want to forget about my babies but I don't want them to be an iron weight I must constantly bear.

I wondered the other day when the day will come that people stop asking us when we're going to have kids. Has it already come?

I'm wondering now if writing a blog about sad things really is so cathartic after a certain point. Is there an end to the tears that could be shed over these losses?

Wait and See

Wow, so it's been more than a few days for this update. Sorry about that.

I thought that after school got done and after Christmas I would have some time to write a big update but then I got busy working and doing everything else that I've been too busy during school to deal with.

So here I am now, the day before classes start again.

First off, I got a 4.0 for the fall semester! I'm very happy about that. I only took 3 classes, so hopefully taking 4 this semester won't cause my GPA to suffer.

I took a training course at the library to get certified to tutor people in English. I've always been something of a grammar freak so it's lots of fun in that respect. I've been tutoring a woman from El Salvador, she's lived here for a long time so she speaks pretty well so we're working on reading. If you have any children's books to recommend, let me know. We started on "The Trumpet of the Swan" by E.B.White, one of my childhood favorites, and she's doing pretty well reading that.

Back in November I started working at my doctor's office. Since he was the one to really give me the big push to start a new career I was happy to have an "in" with him at the office because I need to get "patient contact hours" to even apply to a PA program. It might seem strange for me to work there when I've had such bad experiences at the hands of that office (and particularly from one employee) but it's really not that weird at all. I don't mind random people who are pregnant. I don't have to see them everyday and listen to their pregnancy stories and feel like they're rubbing it in my face like some people I do know who are or have been pregnant since this whole mess started 3 years ago. (I found out on January 16, 2007 that I was pregnant for the first time.)

I have been enjoying school a lot and when people ask me if I miss my old job I can't help having a big smile on my face when I say "Not one bit!" I do miss the folks I use to work with and we occasionally get together for lunch. My husband still works there so I went to the annual holiday party with him and got to catch up with old friends.

I feel like a lot has happened since September, but it's probably just the craziness of school and work and holidays.

Interestingly enough I haven't been pregnant since September. We haven't really been trying that hard and I feel like we've pretty much given up and I've put away all my pregnancy charting stuff. I don't do ovulation tests or have pregnancy tests on hand anymore. I don't mark a calendar about mucus or cramps or twinges. It's weird to think now about getting pregnant and what that might mean if it actually worked out. I'm not really sure anymore.

I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

A Quick Note

It's been a really long time, but I thought I would post a quick note to say that yes, I'm still alive.

School is going really well, I'm almost done for this semester. Just one more final to take.

I'll be sure to post a better update in the coming days.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Not Meant To Be

It's only been 2 weeks but it seems like an eternity.

I was pregnant.

Again.

Now, I'm not.

I don't even know what to say anymore. It's so easy to pretend to be happy on Facebook. But here I can be completely honest. I don't have to hide. I don't have to pretend.

I didn't even cry. I feel dead inside.

I guess some things just aren't meant to be.

Waiting out the hours

Tomorrow is my last day at work. This week has been dragging because I have nothing to do. I would say I should just go home and be done with it, but at least I'm getting paid to do nothing so I might as well take the money while I can. My desk is all cleaned out, I just need to wait out the hours.

Today is day 27. I'm guessing that since I didn't get the LH surge until day 18 that it's still too early to test. I think I'll wait until Sunday. I hope I'm pregnant, but I hope even more that if I am that it will stick. I can't very well stand on my head so I'll just keep my fingers (and legs!) crossed.

Spirits are UP!

Monday I was all emotional and weepy after talking to my manager. I'm thinking now that it was weird hormones. We're still trying to get pregnant so as part of that regiment I've been doing the ovulation predictor kits and I got my LH surge yesterday. This just further confirms my luteal phase defect (LPD) issue. If I get the LH surge on the 18th day of my cycle that just means I'm about to ovulate in the next couple days, so say I don't ovulate until the 20th day, and then I have a pretty regular cycle 28-30 days. That's only 8-10 days for the embryo to haul cells down the tube and grab on. Actually less than that because the natural progesterone levels drop a couple days before menstruation beings. That totally spells out LPD!

Way back in the day (late summer/fall 2006) when we first started trying I did all the charting of basal body temperatures and suspected then that I had LPD. My doctor brushed it off. I somehow managed to get pregnant with Isabella anyway. Same thing with Sean, I guess it's a hit or miss situation. Although with Sean I took clomid so maybe that helped.

That's the thing with miscarriages. There are so many variables and even when it does work out and you stay pregnant you don't know if it's because of something you did to help it along or if it would have worked out anyway if you did nothing. It's so frustrating!

So anyway... LH surge yesterday, going to start taking progesterone on Friday (day 21). I had been taking the prometrium, but my RE in Boston said to go back to the suppositories - yuck. I can get on board with that though, because looking back it seemed like the prometrium didn't seem to be as effective/strong as taking the suppositories because bleeding wouldn't begin until 3 days after I stopped taking the suppositories, but it didn't matter for the prometrium.

And then I'll test around day 30. If I get a positive I'll start taking the blood thinner injections to head off the crappy APS. Who knows about PAI 1, but the blood thinners are suppose to take care of that too.

Sounds like all the bases are covered, right? Sounds like a slam dunk, right?

I bet I will get pregnant this month. I just won't bet money that it will stick.

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As for school etc, I'm getting really excited. My schedule is all set, I'm down for 3 classes. We're also going on a mini vacation to Martha's Vineyard before classes start, I can't wait! We had so much fun there last year! My spirits are already up just knowing that I'll be done working soon, on the ferry to MV and then classes shortly after. Hurray!

Two Week Notice

I gave my two week notice this past Friday. My manager was on vacation, due back today so I didn't tell anyone until I talked to her.

It's weird because I should be really happy, but I guess I'm just scared for what the future holds.

All I know is that I can't be here anymore.

School

I registered for a couple classes yesterday. Biology 1 and Chemistry 1. I'm waiting to find out if I need to take classes like English composition or statistics so I might be registering for those as well. If I can work it right all my classes will be on Tuesdays and Thursdays, not that I could really laze around on Monday, Wednesday and Friday, I'd have to do some serious studying.

Either way I'm going to quit my job pretty soon. That will be amazing! If I don't take those other classes then I will look into getting some work or volunteering in a patient care setting to get some of the hours in that I need to apply to a physician assistant program.

By the way... I decided not to go for the full monty and go to medical school. Physician assistants are almost doctors and it takes a lot less time to get there.

In my head I'm thinking that if I do get pregnant sometime in the next school year (before I apply to a PA program) that I will still do the stay-at-home-mom thing. The local community college is pretty cheap for state residents so even after taking 2 semesters of classes it's not really that much money. Then if I had a baby I could do that for a bit and then apply the next year or reconsider the whole thing. I'm not going to count on any babies coming along though. It hasn't worked so far so there's no point in continuing to think baby plans will come through.

I'm excited and nervous about starting this new phase of my life. It will be strange to be at school and not working. I will miss some of the people I've worked with in the past and the familiarity of this place (after all I've been here for 8 years!) but it will be so good to wake up in the morning and not dread the coming day.

What would that even feel like?

It's Time

The full moon shines from behind the mountain
It rises over the trees
It marks the end of a month
It marks the beginning of a month

The wind is cool on my face
A change is coming
It marks the end of a journey
It marks the beginning of a journey

I stand at the crossroads
A new path before me
Can I take that first step?
How can I not

I say goodbye to the past
It's time.

Insanity

I had a fun weekend. My husband and I went to a BBQ/party on the other side of the state where he played beer pong for the first time in his life. I don't know how he got through college not playing it. I think it might be because he was more into shots of whiskey than drinking beer and also figured what's the point of drinking games when he was just going to drink whatever it was anyway.

I played horseshoes for the first time in years. My husband's buddy was on my team and we played against two of the buddy's friends. I scored all 21 points to their 5 points. It was pretty cool.

I fully realize that I'm not in college anymore and I'm in fact now 31 years old. But we stayed up until 2am and I really should have gotten in a nap yesterday. Good thing there's caffeine.

My period started on Saturday. I never use to be so regular, but like clockwork 28 days post latest miscarriage.

My local OBGYN is has me in a communications blackout but my RE in Boston emailed me about PAI 1, apparently it doesn't matter if I have it or not because I would take the lovenox anyway because of APS. So we have nothing new to go by for this month. Just do the same thing I did last month even though that didn't work out.

Einstein states: "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."