A Philosophy I Should Adopt:

http://happydays.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/06/02/reprieve/?8ty&emc=ty

8x8

8 THINGS I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO:

1. Giving birth to a healthy baby
2. Breastfeeding that baby
3. Summer
4. "No Doubt" concert on the 20th
5. The weekend
6. Doing more yoga
7. Our anniversary on the 26th
8. The vegetables we're growing in the garden this year

8 THINGS I DID YESTERDAY:

1. Worked
2. Therapy
3. Watered the garden
4. Went for a walk with my husband
5. Grilled buffalo burgers
6. Watched some TV
7. Shaved my legs
8. My husband ;)

8 THINGS I WISH I COULD DO:

1. Stay pregnant
2. Play the piano better (I suppose if I practiced and had a piano that was in tune...)
3. Relax
4. Speak a few foreign languages
5. A back flip
6. Travel
7. Have the time and money for my hobbies
8. A job that I enjoy

8 SHOWS I WATCH:

1. Big Bang Theory
2. Heroes
3. NCIS
4. Survivor
5. Brothers and Sisters
6. American Idol
7. New Yankee Workshop
8. How I Met Your Mother

8 FAVORITE FRUITS:

1. Strawberries
2. Kiwi
3. Pineapple
4. Bananas
5. Raspberries
6. Cherries
7. Apples
8. Watermelon

8 PLACES I'D LIKE TO TRAVEL:

1. Shannon, Ireland :)
2. Paris, France
3. London, England
4. Athens, Greece
5. Napa Valley, CA
6. San Francisco, CA
7. Toronto, ON
8. Vancouver, BC

8 PLACES I'VE LIVED:

1. Cape Elizabeth, ME
2. South Portland, ME
3. Troy, NY
4. Current Town, MA
That's it. So exciting.

8 PEOPLE I AM TAGGING:
I stole this off Michelle's blog, if you want to do it, get to it!

"Every day that passes is closer to that day when you will have a baby and when what you are experiencing right now will be just a bad memory."

http://miscarriage.about.com/od/recurrentmiscarriages/a/recurrentmisc.htm

Each Day

Each day I live
The life of some other
Two years ago
The road before me split
From how it should have been
Into this

Each day I live
My heart shred to pieces
There's no way to go back
No way to change the road
No way to recapture
All that I have lost

Each day I die a little more.

The Little Things

Hallmark finally recognizes:



Even though he doesn't seem that supportive all the time, and he didn't want to come to the walk yesterday but did anyway, it's these little things that mean the most.

Mother's Day Walk

Isabella

Thinking of Isabella today. The sun is shining, just as I remember it two years ago.

It mocks me.

Options

Today was a crazy day. Very busy at work. Plans to go on two more business trips, one to Georgia this month and back to Seattle next month. My husband suggested as an anniversary present we go to the No Doubt concert in Boston next month so we bought our tickets for that. Things are shaping up to be pretty busy in the near future.

I had my first appointment with my therapist today in a long time. I feel like we barely skimmed the surface of everything that has been going on. I should make a list...

I'm crazy hormonal and my husband and I have been fighting a lot. Tiny little things are annoying the crap out of each of us and then blowing up into shouting matches. It just reaffirms for me that having a baby won't take away these last 2 years, won't erase all the pain, won't make things happily ever after.

My cycle is still all messed up. Sunday was my last day of taking the prometrium, so on cue I had bleeding yesterday and again today, not a lot and not bright red, but it's just more mess to the conundrum that is this cycle. I have no idea what day it is. I got a refill of clomid, but I don't know when to use it. My doctor is on vacation until Monday so I can't possibly get any answers or even educated guesses until then. There's nothing like trying to ask the "on-call doctor" what to do when they have barely looked at your chart and get impatient when you try to explain to them what's going on in your own body because obviously the 5 seconds they've spent on the phone with you makes them an expert on your case. Whatever.

But do I even want to try anymore? With all the fighting, all the disappointment, all the shouting, is it worth it?

My husband listed our 3 options during the hour long drive to the cat heart specialist on Tuesday:
1. Keep trying to have a baby.
2. Start the adoption process to have a baby.
3. Not have children at all.

I can't imagine #3, I'm not ready to even think about #2, and I don't know how much more I can take of #1. To think that I use to look forward to sex, that it was fun, exciting, spontaneous. Now it's just a scheduled chore. I'm disgusted with myself and what my relationship with my husband has become.

Is there an option 4?

---

Oh, and tomorrow is 2 years for Isabella.
731 days.
17,544 hours.
1,052,640 minutes.
63,158,400 seconds.
I can only go forward, but to what? What can the future possibly hold?

Healing

I just sent out an email to 55 people asking for donations for the walk on Saturday. I can't believe I finally got the courage to do something, anything. I nearly had a heart attack clicking the send button.

Here is the email I sent:

*************************************************

Subject: A New Fundraising Walk

As you may know, for the last seven years (2002-2008) I was an active participant and fundraiser for the American Diabetes Association’s Walk for Diabetes. I have decided to take a break from supporting the ADA so as to focus my efforts toward something closer to home. Don’t worry, I still look forward to a cure for diabetes as it affects my husband's and my life every day.

This Saturday I will be participating in a fundraising walk to raise money for support, resources and information packets for women and couples enduring the tragedy of pregnancy and early infant loss.

I am walking to remember my daughter Isabella, who died 2 years ago this week and for my son Sean, who died last year in April. Even though these two souls never took a breath or felt the sun on their faces, they are missed every day.

If you would like to contribute by cash or check made out to “Empty Arms Support Group”, it can be collected by the end of the day Friday, May 8th. Donations after this week are welcome too. Please let me know if you need my address to send a donation.

Thank you for your support,
Shannon

P.S. If you know someone in Berkshire county who needs support after the death of their baby, no matter how long it’s been, they can contact me for a support group meeting, or just to talk. 841-8063 or berkshire.empty.arms@gmail.com

*************************************************

I feel like I have completely come out of the deadbabycloset now. No more living a double life, no more pretending or hiding.

Maybe this is the healing I really need.

When it Rains, It Pours

This is the worst week. It might not be so bad if it were only for one thing or another, but a few more are piled on each year. I took my cat to the vet today, Krista has a heart problem and now the outlook is getting worse for her. She has maybe a year, or two if she's lucky, to live. At least she is blissfully unaware of the misery to come. Which is better? Knowing that when she's only 3 years and 2 months old she will die sometime soon, or having a beautiful calico named Sasha and one morning when she's 3 years and 8 months old she drops dead on the kitchen floor. Neither are better, the question should be: Which is worse.

It’s Mother’s Day this weekend. Just 2 days after the 2 year anniversary of Isabella’s death. Not to mention that when I was still happily pregnant with her I was told by my f-i-l that I would not be allowed to celebrate Mother’s Day since I was not yet a mother. I had a baby growing inside me, but it didn’t matter. Every time I think of what he said my blood boils, what a slap in the face, it’s almost like he knew she would soon be dead and I would be torn to shreds. And he didn’t give a shit.

I’m going to Carol’s Mother’s Day walk on Saturday, it’s the only bright point of the whole week. As sad as it is to gather and remember our precious babies, it seems like the only way I can “celebrate” being a mother. I'm actually going to try to raise some money for it too, I have a donation promised already.

I went for my blood test yesterday. It was negative. My doctor is on vacation until the 11th, so I stopped taking the injections and prometrium. I could talk to the “on-call” doctor but any other time I’ve had to deal with someone other than my doctor it’s a lesson in futility and frustration. My own doctor is the only one who knows anything at all when it comes to my treatment, and he’s the only one who treats me nicely or respectfully.

I feel completely lost now. I don’t really know where I am in my cycle but it doesn’t matter, I’m in no mood to try. I don’t even know if I still want to have a baby. This is my Everest. I want to keep going because that’s all I’ve known for almost 3 years now, even if it kills me or tears apart my marriage. I feel so beaten down.

I got home early from my business trip, I’m glad that’s over. But getting home just brought all the getting pregnant issues back to the foreground. I just have bad luck, I’ve been pregnant 5 maybe 6 times, but these last few were the worst. I should never have gotten my hopes up, I should know better.

Or should I just give up?