A Place for Us

I had my support group meeting last night and one of the people there mentioned about a place for grieving parents to go that they read about in a Share Newsletter. I had posted the link to back issues on our FB page and he had spent some time reading through them.

The Share Newsletter, on page 9.

Faith's Lodge

I'm now a certified EMT-B. :D

Something to Read

This article gives me a little hope.

Send it to Pathology

Last night when I posted that I also emailed my doctor. Since he was in the process of writing back to my previous email he responded to both. He told me if I wanted I could bring the tissue into the office to be sent to pathology. I did that this morning. I'm also looking into possibly having a hysteroscopy.

He also told me he was sorry for what the other doctor told me back in August regarding sending stuff to pathology. She said "meat doesn't keep well at 98.6°" and that he said that he wished he "could be available all the time to handle things as they come in to the office to avoid problems like this". I'm glad I have him for my doctor. So the nurse said I should have results in 3 to 5 days, but I think she's being overly optimistic. I'll keep you posted when I hear anything.

I just think it's so weird that it's been over 2 months since the miscarriage and I'm still physically dealing with it. Maybe I should have done the D&C and just been done with it. Then I wouldn't have had to hear crappy comments from the on call doctor about meat.

When I stopped in to say thank you to the office and bring the cookies last week I got to talk to my doctor for a few minutes and he mentioned an article in the New England Journal of Medicine about recurrent miscarriage. It didn't really tell me anything new but it was interesting. Hmmm, I think I added it as a google doc so you should be able to access it with this link.

Miscarriage - The Gift that Keeps on Giving

My period started last Monday, but today I had some pretty severe cramps and then just now I wiped and found a large chunk of tissue, approx 1" by 1/2". It was pretty solid and had some texture to it. I don't know if it's byproduct of my last miscarriage, but I would guess so. Awesome.

I think it was placenta.

Eat, Drink and Be Merry

Yet another whirlwind month has pasted. It's good and bad. Here are the updates:

School:

I'm only taking two classes this semester so it's pretty easy after a summer of organic chemistry - pure misery. I'm taking biochemistry at a nearby 4 year college and anatomy & physiology 2 at the community college in my town where I've taken most of my other classes. I've had two tests so far in A&P2 and I've gotten a 96 and a 98, so I'd say I'm doing pretty well. It's harder to say about biochemistry since we only had our first test this past week and I haven't gotten my grade yet. I've found with taking classes at multiple college settings that it varies greatly in how they test or prepare you for those tests. I studied my butt off on the amino acid structures and abbreviations but not as much on other things so there were a few questions that I had absolutely no clue on. Bummer. We'll find out on Tuesday how I did.

Patient Contact Hours:

I have been working at my local OBGYN office because my own doctor got me in after suggesting I go back to school to be a doctor. I decided on taking the PA route and he helped get me in at his office to rack up some hours required for PA programs. I went in yesterday to hand out some thank-you notes and a couple dozen fresh baked cookies to thank them for their time and allowing me to work there. I got to chat with my doctor a bit as well. It's been a while since I've been in the office. I haven't worked since the beginning of September. Right after Labor day I came down with a bit of a cold and school had started and then the following week the NP I worked with went on vacation for 3 weeks. So I didn't go in so I could focus on school and have some time for myself to decompress after ochem. Then the week she was back my hubby and I went on vacation. While she was away I decided that I've learned all I can from the office and should find a new situation since OBGYN is such a narrow part of the medical field. So....

EMT status:

I passed my practical exam in August but only found out a month later. I've heard that other people in my class have already passed the written exam, the final step between me and an EMT certification. Yet again I dragged my feet a bit and then with our vacation I put it off some more. I have scheduled my exam for November 6th. Wish me luck.

Vacation:

My hubby and I went to Martha's Vineyard for an amazing vacation 2 years ago and met a wonderful mother and daughter traveling together. We've kept in touch with Christmas cards and Facebook and we were invited to the daughter's wedding on October 16th in Santa Barbara, CA. We waffled on whether or not to go for a while but decided it was the best excuse to go to California and when else might we see these wonderful people we spent so much time with on a long weekend 2 years ago. It was amazing. We decided to fly out a week early to have our own vacation, then hit the wedding and fly home the next day. We drove from LAX up the coast over 2 days then spent 4 nights in Napa. Ahhh.... it was heaven. Every day we tasted wine, every day we had beautiful weather, every day was amazing. Then on Thursday we drove to Yosemite, it was crazy beautiful! We only spent the day so we could get up early on Friday and drive to Santa Barbara. I assume since we were coming from such a distance that was the reason why we were invited to the rehearsal dinner on Friday. It was so great to see our old friends and since the daughter getting married is of the personality that just draws you in, all her friends and family were equally welcoming and friendly. After that night it was like we were all friends for years. The wedding was so elegant to the point of being extravagant. Absolutely beautiful. We couldn't have wished for a better vacation. It was almost sad to head home.

At a vineyard in Sonoma

At Yosemite

Catching up with old friends at the rehearsal dinner:

And now back to reality, Reproductive status:

Back on August 13th I took misoprostol to induce miscarriage. Everything passed by the next morning, I had a day or two of bleeding and then nothing for a couple days and then it started up again for about 2 weeks. A week or so went by and I started bleeding again - for 3 weeks. I was glad it at least stopped for our vacation. The week before last I was feeling crampy again and finally this past Monday I started bleeding again, but unlike the light bleeding I had before this was a torrent. It seemed almost more than a regular period, but better than the trickle I had before. I can't imagine this could keep up for 3 weeks. I briefly spoke to my doctor about next steps. He mentioned an article in this week's New England Journal of Medicine about recurrent miscarriage and how he thought about me while reading it. He mentioned an hysteroscopy. I asked about the hot flashes I've had all week. I didn't get to talk to him for long so I later sent him an email asking about my next steps. My buddy Margaret suggested that I do everything at once. Clomid, progesterone, lovenox, baby aspirin. Even though I've tested negative twice this year for antiphospholipid antibody syndrome, it's possible that my levels went up after they tested me at the end of July when I first found out the last time I was pregnant. I asked my doctor about all this and mentioned how my last RE seems to have exhausted all his options with me. I've mentioned before - my local OBGYN is notoriously slow responding to email. I'd rather that medium over a voicemail and phone call back any day though. Regardless, I don't want to actively try this month. My hubby and I have decided to go to his family's for Thanksgiving this year and after two losses this year I feel especially negative toward them even though they have no clue I was even pregnant. It's completely irrational but with every loss it just brings back the hurt they inflicted after I lost Isabella, even though they apologized and haven't said anything hurtful since it lingers. I can't forget. I don't think I can forgive. So in my short conversation with my OBGYN I mentioned that I will be drinking heavily over Thanksgiving just to get through being around his family. :P So I'm waiting to hear what he has to say. Maybe we'll try next month. I don't know. The odds look worse and worse for me. And this article about recurrent miscarriage doesn't instill me with any hope. From the little I could read online without subscribing, the woman in the study had had a live birth before she had multiple miscarriages. That's not my case at all. I want to hear about someone who had 15 miscarriages at varying gestations and then went on to have a live birth. That would give me some hope. Does anyone have a story like that? Please let me know. I don't want to be the woman who never was able. Who kept futilely trying. I want to know when will it be my turn, not if.

Until then I will eat and drink and try to be merry. At least my hubby cooks me good food.

Hello...

It's been a while. I'm due for an update but I'll have to get back to you. It's time for bed.

Tears fall like rain
Dampening my pillowcase
A deep ocean of pain
Swallows me whole

Nothing

No matter what I do, no matter how much I accomplish, I will always know I failed. Nothing will ever replace them. Nothing will ever bring them back. 

One Month Later

This past month has gone by sort of fast. I guess that's not really a bad thing. When time drags it really sucks. It's a month today since I heard the news. My baby is dead.

I spent the following week crying and feeling sorry for myself. Then tried to pull it all together for my EMT practical exam the following Saturday. We left the next day for Maine to visit my mom and spend a few days there. Not completely unexpected, my mom didn't talk to me about my latest loss and I didn't bother to bring it up. We got home in time for the last weekend in August and my husband to spend the weekend with friends playing craps at a casino. I got together with a friend and did fun things like sailing, drinking beer, eating wings, another day we went to a river to go biking and swim and another day after that we went kayaking and swimming at a nearby lake. I had fun in spite of the miserableness.

Labor Day weekend was low key. Hubby was sick so we didn't get together with anyone but we did have some yummy food. I went running twice (then promptly caught a cold). Then the Tuesday after Labor Day school started. I'm taking biochemistry and anatomy & physiology 2. I'm glad to have a light load this semester after a summer of organic chemistry (BTW, I got a B in ochem 2 same as ochem 1) and after taking 4 classes in the spring with EMT class on top of it.

I still feel adrift about what to do next. If there is a next to this journey. I know that we can't afford to adopt and I think the next person to suggest it to me should have to pony up the dough. I wonder if we just need a long break from it. I wonder if there's any merit to letting my body not deal with weird hormones for a while. I wish there was some explanation for why this keeps happening and if there's "nothing wrong with me" then what happened with Isabella that started this whole thing off in the first place?

I don't normally talk about this but since it's all wrapped together I might as well. I have no sex life. I'm sure as with others who are baby-lost and trying again and grieving a loss that sex has taken on a completely different meaning. I had my cold and before that my hubby was sick (Labor Day weekend) so what little physical contact we had, an occasional smooch or hug, has dwindled to nothing at all. It's sort of weird how little physical contact I've had recently since I don't get many hugs elsewhere. Good thing the cats don't care if I have a cold. They still snuggle me. So as far as the sex thing, it's become non-existent. We all know what happens when I have sex. I get pregnant and then I have a miscarriage. So sex is no longer the fun thing it use to be. It's tainted by what it brings about. My husband is weird about religion and crap so I'm not sure he would go for the condom route but at this point I don't want to really deal with them either. Maybe I need some other form of birth control that isn't hormonal but isn't used on one-night stands either. Suggestions welcome. I think baby-making needs to hit the back burner or be taken off the stove completely.

Speaking of religion... I don't think I've talked about it much on here but that has changed a lot for me recently. I grew up pretty non-religious. My mom took us to Congregational churches when we went which wasn't a lot. Later when I met my husband, a lifelong Catholic, I converted. I did the whole RCIA thing, I bought into it all and was a "good Catholic" for several years even though my liberal upbringing liked to jump out occasionally but for the most part there wasn't too much conflict. Then there was Samantha and I think she was the straw that broke the camel's back. We had just visited my husband's family for Easter and returned home to an ultrasound with no heartbeat. I didn't go to Mass that weekend because needless to say I was upset. I called the priest at our church to talk about what had happened and get his take on it. Of course he didn't have any answers for why God kept doing this to me. I haven't been to Mass since. I'm actually a little surprised/disappointed that he hasn't called in these 5 months to find out why we haven't been coming to Mass. I just can't get on board with it anymore. I know for a lot of people when your baby dies it's like a test of your faith and you become stronger in your faith or something which I obviously don't understand because it hasn't happened to me or like in my case, you turn away from it all. Ironically a lot of my turning away has to do with my husband's mother who is a total nutcase for the Catholic church so much so that she only goes to Mass at a traditional Latin Mass church and has basically said all other Catholic Masses aren't the true Mass, blah blah blah. I think she's crazy. Plus she's better than everyone else because she goes to the fancy Mass you can't understand. I know this because she has told my husband's friend who he's known since middle school that she can't attend his wedding because he and his fiancee have been living together and she can't support that. So much for the friendship your son has had with this guy for nearly 20 years. Just flush it down the toilet. So the whole Catholic thing isn't too appealing to me if that's the way it goes it the "true church". My husband went to visit his family alone this weekend (because I was too sick to go, bummer, I know!) and he went to Mass alone at the local non-crazy parish because, and I quote: "I didn't want my mom to ask questions." Whatever. I don't care if he goes or doesn't. I'm just not going to go anymore. I wonder what kind of craziness would have ensued if I had been with him and outright refused to go to Mass with him. Ha! The shit would have hit the fan, I'm sure. But as "we're a team" he hasn't been going to Mass since Easter, minus this past weekend's exception, so he thinks that "we should start going again". Umm, no.

I didn't intend on offending anyone and if I have, well, those are the blogging-breaks. But please don't post comments about what a horrible person I am for turning away from God/Jesus. I still have the comment moderation in effect so I just won't approve them. I probably won't even read the whole thing before I delete them so don't waste your time. This is probably why I don't post about religion on here often. I don't feel the need to defend my beliefs or lack there of to other people.

So that's it. I think that's enough for now.